MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: HermioneDancr (Signed) · Date: 07/22/06 13:42 · For: One-Shot Daily Prophet Challenge
In the spirit of being silly… or maybe that should be the spirit of being SPEW? Since this story is written as a newspaper article, I’m going to critique it as such. Journalistic writing is somewhat different than writing fiction, so it should be interesting. We’ll see how I manage. :-P

“Normally this place would simply be a deserted moor, yet for the past few weeks, Wizards all over the world have camped out at this site to cheer for their favourite team and countrymen.” I like the content of this sentence, because it gets the main point of the story out there, which is a must in a news article. However, it’s vague. It’s the opening sentence, and therefore ought to carry a big punch. I think the main reason this sentence bothers me is that you have too many pronouns and indefinite nouns, such as “this place,” “this site,” etc. I’d like the moor to have a name, because it adds colour and depth and would allow you to be more precise. On the topic of being precise, the Wizards are from all over the world, not all over the world –– they’re all at the campsite. One suggestion for how you could revise the opening: “Normally [insert name here] is simply a deserted moor, but for the past few weeks it has been a campsite for Wizards from all over the world who are here to cheer for their countrymen and favourite teams.” The only real difference is that it’s more precise, which makes it clearer.

You also need to identify Rosie Brown. I’m guessing she’s Lavender’s mother (and I know that fact doesn’t belong in the article, either way, so I’m not faulting you on that), but the reader has no idea who she is. I think you should identify her in some way. Maybe replace “Rosie Brown stood” with “said Rosie Brown, a 43-year-old Witch from Durham, standing” or something like that. As it is, the reader doesn’t really know why she’s being interviewed for the story. I did notice, however, that you were very good about identifying all your official sources.

One other small nitpick, really just a point of personal taste. I think it might be nice if you ended the last sentence of the story with an exclamation point.

Now on to what I liked about the story. Or at least some of what I liked, since there’s a lot to like about it and this review would be endless if I tried to cover all of it. I have no idea what the challenge was or how much specificity it contained, but I really like the idea of writing a news article about the Qudditch world cup from this time frame. There’s a lovely inherent irony, since your readers all know what will actually happen. You did a really good job playing on that by choosing to talk about all the precautions and preparations that are being taken.

It also reads like a news article. You use a mix of sources –– a fan, an official, a coach, and a player –– which feels very realistic to anyone familiar with pre-championship game sports articles. It also fits the basic inverted triangle format of a news article, with the most important information at the beginning and the details and backstory further in.

Something else which may sound odd but I think is very important… this story was just plain fun to read. It has a fun, excited tone and the act of reading it made me happy, beyond the simple pleasure of reading a good story. Great job, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

Author's Response: Lian! Thanks for that suggestion. You're right about being more specific. I'll adjust that. Miss you and all the SPEWers.

Name: Khrys (Signed) · Date: 07/18/06 22:11 · For: One-Shot Daily Prophet Challenge
I chose to read this story because of an insane interest in Quidditch. I was not disappointed. The nutty imp has created a realistic article for the Daily Prophet. By using some imagination and being well versed in canon, the nutty imp describes Quidditch to a ‘T’.

Written as a news article, the story alternates between quotes from many members of the wizarding community, Quidditch players, and fans. A narrative by the reporter, Honey Jones, separates each quote. This style of writing really accentuates the canon aspects of the story and breaks up the monologue nicely.

The descriptions in the story are elaborate and well thought out. I love how the story delves into the back-story and history of how the 422nd Quidditch World Cup came to be. The decisions about the location and the spells are described fantastically.

The nutty imp has managed to detail multiple aspects about the Quidditch World Cup in the new article without making it seem cluttered or boring.

Quidditch fans everywhere seem to have caught the ‘Krum Fever’ as well. Souvenir merchants can’t seem to keep up with the demand for ‘Victor Krum’ merchandise.

This quote made me laugh, as I was thinking about Ron and how he was torn between his intense desire to get Krum’s autograph and his annoyance with the wizard who flirted (and danced) with his love interest. Each different section of the article made me think of different parts of the HP books.

Cheers to the nutty imp for creating such a wonderfully realistic news article on the 422nd Quidditch World Cup.

Author's Response: Wow thanks. Didn't thought anyone would be interested about some news article about a Quidditch cup of whose results we already know. Thanks for that indepth review.

Name: cmwinters (Signed) · Date: 06/24/06 9:33 · For: One-Shot Daily Prophet Challenge
Wow. This sounds completely like a news article.

I love the lantern lit path. I want one, in fact!

I also like how you give details of the stadium construction. I like, too, how you have the thoughts of the "home team" fans. That's a nice touch. And I love Burowski's prideful voice. *heart* Of course, I have a special place in my heart for Bulgarians. *wink*

Very well done!

Author's Response: Can't take credit on the lantern lit path ... it's actually canon :) Thanks for the review :)

Name: hogwartsduchess (Anonymous) · Date: 06/09/06 13:33 · For: One-Shot Daily Prophet Challenge
Well done, nutty!

As all the Gryffindors know, I'm a bit in love with Viktor, so I loved the little bit in there about him - *sigh*.

I like the way you put the different quotes into the story to make it sound like a reporter interviewing people as she wrote instead writing it down later - very nice.

I do want to say that you could probably do without the quotes since your spoken words are in italics.

Keep it up!

Author's Response: *lol* we have that in common. I love Viktor as well - Of course I like Sirius Black and the Weasley Twins too, but Viktor is so different from them - it's hard to truly discern why I do like him. Thanks for the tip. I'll go correct those :)

Name: wishiwereaweasley (Signed) · Date: 05/05/06 14:48 · For: One-Shot Daily Prophet Challenge
Very nice job here, Miel. I can see why you won the challenge! This reads exactly like an article in the Sports section. Yes, I've been known to read that section upon occasion. :) You incorporated the interviews very nicely, the transitions are seamless.

A few little suggestions, which are quite picky indeed and you can feel free to ignore if you so choose:

A new Quidditch World Cup S'tadium had been built, specifically for this purpose. I think this should be 'has.'

After the Welsh's crushing 50 to 200 points defeat to Uganda This is a little confusing to someone who didn't already know that Wales went down to Uganda. It almost seems as though the Welsh defeated Uganda. To that end, I'd change 'defeat' to 'loss.'

This game is about team work and strategy, and not superstars. Our team had been working together for almost four years. I think 'teamwork' is one word. And again, I believe it should be 'has.' Unless this is an Americanism I'm unaware of...

So. Everything else is fabulous. You've captured the spirit of the event and given us a perfect amount of background. I'd have to say that Helmut Burowski is henceforth one of my favorite names! Very nice job.

Author's Response: Thanks Lys! I'll go make those corrections now.

Name: Blackfoot (Signed) · Date: 04/25/06 0:45 · For: One-Shot Daily Prophet Challenge
Interesting I haven’t ever seen a fic done up like a news article. It is certainly a nice break from the norm. I am taking a guess here but this a news article about the Quidditch World Cup that is in Goblet of Fire right? If so you might want to change a few small details at the beginning. Molly Weasley didn’t go to the game, she stayed at the Burrow and went shopping in Diagon Alley for everyone’s school supplies. Also the tickets were given to Mr. Weasley because he helped someone out of a tight jam, the characters name has escaped me at the moment. Perhaps you should substitute in a different family instead of having to changing the entire second paragraph.

The bit about the coach contacting Krum was excellent, I liked the background you gave him. Adding a few statistics on the two teams wouldn’t be a bad idea. How many games they won/lost and the scores for notable games.

You might want to add in a small piece on the Irish Seeker to sort of make things even… you don’t want it to look like the article that Rita Skeeter wrote about the Triwizard champions when she didn’t mention Cedric. I do however see the point you are getting at, at being prepared with Krum’s background. It’s also kind of humorous knowing that they prepared security but it still didn’t stop the attacks that happened that night.

It was a nice break from the normal fics that I read and it took me awhile to find something new that I wanted to read and review. You have done a fair job so far and I think with a few changes whether you follow my suggestions or not would make this a top notch piece of work.

Author's Response: Thank you. I guess I wasn't that thorough with my reserch. I'll do that. ^_^. This was actually written for the Daily Prophet Article Challenge ... good thing the judges didn't catch that canon error of mine.

Thanks for the review and appreciate those suggestions of yours.

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