I swear I’ve almost reviewed this chapter like ten times. Which is why I was so surprised when I found, while browsing through your stories for one I might want to review, there’s no review here with my name on it. Let’s fix that.
There is some good stuff in this chapter: you bring up George/Andrea, and Hermione’s developing feelings for Charlie, and some nice Andrea/Hermione interaction. Not to mention the hints of trouble that are so very muted in this chapter it’s easy to overlook them, just as the characters in the story do.
You write Fred and George rather well. I guess you’ve had a bit of practice with LB, but I still am just so happy when I see well-written twinning, and that is you. I also liked the way Hermione and Charlie are getting more comfortable together, that he can sit down at the table and eat at her place like it’s nothing.
I know we’ve discussed this before, how the whole George/Andrea story is confusing. One of the versions you talked to me about had more explanation, one of them didn’t. After having read this again, I’d have to vote for an explanation of it somewhere. Because it’s sort of...confusing.
Okay. Some things I’m not so sure about.
When Hermione just smiles at the thought of Charlie and thinks that he’s indescribable. Does he have to be? Like, we really don’t know much about him or his interaction with Hermione besides what we see in the short conversation they have. Perhaps she can think of some of the things they’ve done that sort of...help us see how they are together.
“I’d put on the Oliver team. Still doesn’t make sense to me. Did you mean “I’d put Oliver on the team”? I just don’t know. That’s what makes most sense to me.
It was always nice to see the good-natured Hermione Granger. It was good to have her back I just don’t like that both of those sentences start with “It was [insert positive adjective here].” There could be some way to rearrange those sentences, I think.
These are very picky things, and you know it’s because you’re just a good writer. And I really wish I could see what happens next. I mean, I do know most of what happens next, but ... things could’ve changed.
Pleeeeeeeeease update soooooon!!!!!!!1! [/spew-inappropriate review behavior]
It’s always hard for me to remove things from my head, once they’re in there. I wouldn’t call my mind a steel trap, however. It’s more like a mess that information goes into and is never able to find its way out, whether I want it to or not. Typically, that’s my problem when reading fics that disregard one of the books. I just find it very hard to put an entire episode worth of canon out of my mind.
One thing that really made this story interesting for me, at least through the first chapter, is the Charlie/Hermione angle. I don’t really ship anything, to be honest. If I did, though, I can promise it would not be Ron/Hermione. For the most part, my reason for this is reading too many bad fanfics about that pair. Even that aside, however, I just never saw what would attract someone like Hermione to Ron – I just never got it. Oh well, I digress.
I thought your characters had a very real feel to them, while staying in the spirit that JKR intended them. In particular, in Hermione’s case, I like the idea of here lingering on the hurtful past, especially on a special date, like her birthday. I really think Hermione wouldn’t be the same if she lost Harry and Ron, and would be apt to wallow in her loss. So, I thought you characterization was right on for that part.
I like the interaction between Charlie and Hermione overall. It wasn’t too much, it wasn’t too little … it was just right. I also thought the kiss at the end was very believable too, which is more than I can say for a number of fics I have read.
Not much I can say to improve this particular chapter. Technically, you writing seems very sound. Even if it isn’t, I didn’t notice it, so GREAT job!
ahhh! finally!!! a charlie-hermione. im so EXCITED!!
That was not fair. Totally not fair. I didn’t know that you were going to introduce so many people into this chapter! I just have to comment on all of them now, because they’re so vibrant and lovable!
Imogen – I like Imogen. I liked her interaction with Andrew the most, because it was as though by getting to know her a little at Hogwarts, he’s got the motives and the key to getting past her introverted exterior. I like that about Imogen. You’d expect that with perfect grades, and admirable name and gorgeous looks that Imogen would be considered Mary-Sue, but of course you counter that wonderfully with the attitude she takes to strangers. I like it; it’s very fitting of her character.
Siobhan – And finally, I see the first appearance of Siohan! It makes sense that they’re in the inner circle together. I haven’t really gotten to know Siobhan’s character just yet, so I can’t offer much on criticism or comment on her too much as she was just a name, but let me love you briefly for including her in this. And, as I forgot to mention in the other chapter, Tonks’ twin daughter Delaney. I love all the little bits of relevance you include in this story. It makes it special and makes me smile because I know the relevance most of the time.
Andrew Kirke – I was going to save him until later, but I like his attitude. Just with Imogen, a new character being thrust into the series is always scary because as an author you don’t want to make them appear Mary/Gary. Again, you’ve avoided this. He’s not a jock, he’s not brainy. He’s a good balance, because he’s not fantastic (or so we’ve discovered so far) at both of them at the same time. And he certainly sounds handsome! And he has Narnia ties, so he’s just fantastic.
It didn’t matter that Liam, a bit of a womanizer, had been making frequent trips to Sweden; Again, with the relevance. I wonder, if for once that Liam will break free of his love of blondes to run after Imogen? I like her, she’s got an appeal to her that I think Andrew is very smart to take advantage of and get in early. I’d like to see more of Liam, so maybe I’ll get lucky and you’ll tell me what happens? Again, I’m hopeful!
Fabian Fortescue, brother and supplier of famed ice cream maker Florean - I’m happy with this! I love canon details in this, and in some other post-hpgwarts fictions. I still wonder what happened to his brother, though. I wish, as the all knowing author, that you would elaborate. But you’re depriving me. Evil. And now there’s only one chapter left! Onward ever reading I shall go…
Marie! I said I wouldn’t review this, but how could I not when you included my homeland? You’re amazing. I love, love, love the way that you’ve expanded the Universe and expanded the Department of Mysteries. I know that Australia was only mentioned in passing, but the hot spot for magic would have to be Uluru, in the Northern Territory which is the delegated Aboriginal lands. But, the Great Barrier Reef is world renowned, or so I hear, so it’s perfect for sea creatures. You never know what lies at the bottom of the sea, do you? I’d be interested in hearing whether not not she encountered any other magical animals, such as Billywigs, but I think I’m just getting too hopeful. It was only mentioned in passing, but you do know how I love Australia.
You’re far to bony! The one mistake I found in the chapter. I’d change it to ‘too’, but I just thought I’d say that I love Mrs Weasley’s mothering. It’s adorable.
Hermione and Charlie bursst into laughter again. I just went to post the review, and found this little typo. Just down the bottom, at the end of the chapter. It’s comforting, knowing that other people make typos sometimes too :).
“Eet is no wonder,” she clucked, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “Your ‘air looks tres jolie, but your skin is far too dark. You weel ruin your complexion.”
Yay, another reference. And I like your Fleur, too. She’s in character, but she’s not unkindly, she’s just very… authoritarian. She’s right, so of course, she’s right. Hee. And you managed to pull off her accent too! Most people, when doing Hagrid’s or Fleur’s accents just randomly add in a French sounding syllable here or there, but I hardly noticed it at all, meaning that it was very natural.
And now, I promise I won’t disturb my reading with a review until the very end. I can’t keep myself away from this, so please do excuse me while I go read. I really hope you continue with this!
So, now that you’ve established Charlie’s intentions with the first chapter, I think by adding another character you’re going more in depth and developing Charlie’s character by showing what sorts of people he mingles with.
“Of course you wouldn’t. He’s like a stray, Mum, once you feed him, there’s no getting rid of him,” Charlie winked at his mother.
“Oh, really?” Oliver asked, raising a brow.
“Yeah, really,” Charlie replied. O rly? Yah rly :-D. This is a good line. It creates a really cute image of Wood wagging his tail in my mind. And I like the impersonation Charlie has of Oliver. It’s respectful, and not the least bit bitter. I’m looking forward to them actually playing together, because people are always being compared to “Charlie Weasley” and I’d like to see how Charlie takes to the field both skill and attitude wise. Is he behind? Is he disgruintled someone so much younger than him is captain?
“it’s a special night for Hermione, and I expect you two to look presentable.” I’d change the ‘I’ in ‘it’s’ to a capital because it’s like she’s started a new sentence.
“For the love of Dragons, Oliver, I don’t even know if I like her!” I don’t know whether ‘dragons’ should be capitalised here, either. Good expression, though!
Another thing, with the mention of her birthday again, is their ages. I mean, Charlie would be at least five years older than her, wouldn’t he? I suppose that as they get older, the age differences don’t really make all that much of a difference. But, a cute chapter nonetheless! I like the slow development of Oliver and Charlie. Although they’re ‘main’ characters, they haven’t been in the protagonist seat much. I’d love to get to know their mannerisms and such.
The thing I love about this short start to the story is that it could stand by itself, if it wanted to. It’s a chapter of Charlie’s life as he returns home, but it could also be a long drabble or a short into to a Hermione/Charlie fiction. I like the sharing of the memories – that’s what I love. They’re chosen memories, the bits of one another that are missing.
It’s like they’re completing each other, and this is really evident when Charlie talks about wizards. He told her about what it was like to grow up as a child in a wizarding family. He told her what it felt like to play Quidditch, to soar through the air, your adrenaline pumping in a game, and your mind focused on all the aspects of play, strategy and teamwork. And, I think by telling Charlie of her memories of the Burrow she’s making him feel like he’d never left. It’s a sweet start to a story.
The first thing I wanted to comment on was the opening interaction in this chapter between Fred and George. I really enjoyed seeing the conversational give and take that we’re used to seeing from them continue. You’ve done very well with that.
Perhaps I didn’t understand, or perhaps it’s just out of order, but this sentence: I’d put on the Oliver team. made no sense to me. Now, I could just be a twit, but had to read it a few times, and I guessed it was supposed to mean that he’d put Oliver on the national team. Very confusing.
I adored the part where George is asking if Fred minds him getting married. ‘You eat all the jam.’ *gigglesnort*
Your characterisation of Hermione, at the very onset of her scene, is spot-on. Hermione doesn’t even know what the word ‘vacation’ means, let alone how to take one.
Your Charlie is – delicious. I just want to eat him right up with a spoon. I think, however, that you have my bad habit…watching LotR while writing HPFF…Oi, what about second breakfast? That line almost completely ruined my Charlie fantasy right there! All I could think of was Hobbits!
The scene with Hermione and Andrea had me in stitches. Your Hermione is just so heartbreakingly real. She is such a commonly butchered character, particularly in Post-Howgarts era fics, but you’ve managed to keep her simply Hermione all grown up. It’s a rare talent.
But my teacup is empty! *dies*
I will praise your characterisation for days if I don’t shut up now…Sorry it’s so short.
The two people who have reviewed this chapter are amazing reviewers. I, however, am not one of them.
However, I would love to fangirl for a moment over your story. Why? Because, as you well know, I love the Weasleys, and I love your story. :)
Amazing characterizing. All in character; all very real. I love, love, love the little nuances you put in there to draw the reader into the story.
Needless to say, darling, I kind of liked it. A lot. :) Keep up the most excellent work!
~Your not-so-roommate Roommate
First of all, I love the carefree banter between the two brothers about the Quidditch match. I love to listen to two people chatter about a sport to which they’re both closely related and both very knowledgeable. It’s wonderful, and you’ve captured the spirit of it.
I’d put on the Oliver team. Charlie, too Did you mean ‘I’d put Oliver on the team’?
You walk around mooning about some girl all hours of the bleeding day,” Fred laughed, “and you eat all of the jam.” This is so cute. I’ve decided you’re Queen of Cheerful Twin Banter, and I bow to you.
Even though Hermione was happy to be home with family and friends close by, This would flow more clearly if you removed ‘by’.
for old times’ sake It’s actually time’s when you’re saying it that way, because there’s only one old time. Or something like that.
She smiled at that thought. Charlie was indescribable. I love how that’s all you give us. Hermione’s mind rests on Charlie only long enough to deem him impossible to describe, then moves on.
Hermione was getting ready to think about the lack of information when there was a knock at the kitchen door. Gah! Hermione is completely IC here! I adore it! She’s preparing herself to think about it. That’s totally something she would do. Something I would do, too, but that’s beside the point.
She hadn’t been left desolate and completely miserable, but having George back in her life just made things all the better. This way of resolving their relationship makes everything seem much more real. ‘All the better’ would sound better if you changed it to ‘all the more lovely’ or ‘all the more [insert adverb that describes life here]’.
“I’d like that. There was a new book about centaurs and their astronomical studies I wanted to pick up.” Hee. So cute and so Hermione. I love that Andrea knows there would be something like this that Hermione would need.
If Andrea ended up playing all the way into the final match of the Cup, and some people told her that she would, and of course that’s what she wanted, then she would be playing and practicing nearly every week until the end of August the next fall. Oooh, I love long sentences. Since you used ‘and’ twice as your coordinating conjunction twice, though, it would be good to change it around a little. ‘If Andrea ended up playing all the way into the final match of the Cup, as some people told her that she would (and of course that was what she wanted), then she would be playing and practicing nearly every week until the end of August the following autumn.’ See if that makes sense to you… I didn’t change much, really.
She looked to her left at George who was studying the dregs in the bottom of his tea cup. You need a comma after ‘George’ and ‘teacup’ is usually one word.
Anyway, I love the sweet way you ended this chapter, showing us that there’s always a solution to everything in love. It’s uplifting. But there’s to be a storm, isn’t there? I forgot about that until now. That’s worrying. I can’t wait to read about it anyway, though. When will I be able to do that?
I adore your story, Marie dear. Reallyreallyreally.
Once again, I'm reading your stories. Not only do I love the delicious display of delectible characterization, but I love the simple sublteties of the words you use. "Really" has much more meaning in the phrases you put it in. :) *Off to read chapters I haven't previously read...
I haven't started reading yet, but I'm just going to tell you that I'm really, really excited to meet story!Imogen. Squee.
Well, you don't need me to tell you that your characterisation of Imogen is wonderful, nor do you need me to say that it's easy for the reader to understand her character from the beginning due to some resourcefully worded sentences. However, I'll tell you anyway. Because it's true.
Luckily, the fire had been merely that: a fire If it was just a fire, why was she examining blood? It's just a case, I know, but that part was kind of confusing.
She was expected for brunch at the estate of her best friend, Siobhan Yay! Siobhan! I'm totally excited! And.. It may have been a tad fancy for brunch with a friend, but Siobhan’s attractive brother Liam I just can't resist quoting that. It's LIAM. Gah. Oh, and he’s a womaniser, not a womanizer. /fangirling the insertion of Sins-verse OCs
"You could always sit at home and knit." Grandmother smiled impishly. While I like the use of Grandmother as a name here, I think it would make more sense if the story was in first-person. Saying 'her' grandmother, in my opinion, would make more sense in this case. And this character was a good way to introduce 'Immi'. I always have trouble with nicknames.
Imogen seems like the ideal example of a caring family member. I'm curious, though, to see how she's related to the Blacks, and where that comes out in her. She's very interesting.
After tea and scones and quick check ups Check-ups has a hyphen, I believe.
“You gave me a fright!” Imogen replied. Since this isn't really a reply, I think it would be better if you added something like 'unhelpfully' at the end, or changed 'replied' to 'retorted.'
Well, Andrew has been set up as the perfectly believably wonderful character. It makes me suspicious of him. >.> But really, I love the way you established him as who he is-- a match, really, for Imogen. I look forward to more of their interactions!
It didn’t help that a fair few girls had flung themselves at him over the years. Yes, it does. Experience. It's all about experience.
I'm sorry if that was much more fangirly than helpful, but I was so looking forward to the chapter with Imogen that I nearly forget to breathe. I read with beta'd breath, you know. Excellent writing, really. The way you've set up relationships makes the reader eager for their futures.
Yay, a Hermione chapter!
her superiors had given her plenty of freedom in which whispers, leads and interests to pursue, so long as she remain productive. This part of this sentence tried to make sense to me and didn't. It might just be me, but I think it would make more sense if you said 'in which there were..' because I think that's what you meant.
I really enjoy all of the little details you add, like the lawn gnomes, Hermione's boss and the appearance of Crookshanks. They're wonderful.
You’re far to bony! Too.
Aaaaah! You should have seen me yelling my head off in the SPEW chat just then. Remus and Tonks were busy trying to keep an eye on their children, Dillon, who was almost three, and the infant twin girls Daphne and Delaney. Gah. SQUEE.
A few of the people around Hermione tried not to laugh; Andrea rolled her eyes, and urged Hermione to continue. This is just another clever usage of diction and relationships to show what you want to convey. It's the typical reaction to Fleur, and it's coming from a new family member. You don't need the comma after 'eyes,' either.
Hermione smiled, not surprised in the least. Yay, something else she just automatically knows about the family! How lovely. I adore, as I've said, these little wonderful connections.
*sigh* You postponed their connection another chapter, and it's bedtime, which is hopelessly sad. Hermione and Charlie bursst into laughter again. You have an extra 's,' but i totally adore your ending, so it doesn't really matter in the big picture. I love PtS so far, and I shall return as soon as I can. Thank you!
Well, I did promise to review. It was forever ago, but I haven't forgotten, and plan to be very dilligent/devoted. *nods*
I really like the friendship you've created between Charlie and Oliver: it's interesting, believable, and all your own. Their witty remarks about stomachs lighten the mood as the two characters tend to do.
He had no idea that the young Keeper he’d known at school was going to transform into such an enthusiastic, passionate, and obsessive player. You use all the great adjectives to describe 'player,' which I totally love, but you didn't give them anything to contrast themselves besides 'young'. Maybe you could add something to accompany 'young' to make more of a difference between the two Woods.
Let me just say that the way you made the relationships between your characters work together to give an easy, real-life tone to your writing. And writing two men talking about a crush seems like it would be an enormous challenge, but you've made it light-hearted and lovely. Wonderful, and I shall continue. Promptly.
*sigh*...that was so beautiful. I really liked the way you ended it and I especially liked the following line:
He also needed to come home.
Just the simplicity of it was really powerfull when you used it at the end of that paragraph.
Another thing that you did really well was the flow between the two POVs. It was really smooth and not visible untill I tried to think of stuff for the review...
Anyways, a lovely chapter(can't even think of crit), I think I may come back to read the rest later. Meanwhile...*huggles*
Hello Marie! Here I am, reviewing as promised! Although I suspect in advance that this might not be one of my best, and I therefore apologize in advance also.
So for starters, I really like the Quidditch talk in the beginning. It's very natural, like my dad and brother discussing basketball. You slipped a lot of details in there. I suppose my love of the twins doesn't hurt. Hee.
I’d put on the Oliver team. Is this supposed to be 'I'd put Oliver on the team'? Or are my tired eyes missing something?
George rubbed the back of his neck, looking down at the floor. “I want to marry her. Do you think I should?” So I really like this bit. The question is adorable, but I can also really just see him with his hand on his neck, feeling all sheepish. And of course the ensuing conversation is nice, too.
Moving on to Hermione and Charlie! Poor Hermione, already bored. I think that's so completely IC. I know I go crazy if I don't have something to do. Relaxing can only take me so far. It makes sense that she would be the same way.
Charlie was indescribable. *sighs happily*
A field south of Glastonburry had been set aflame, I think, although I am not certain, that Glastonbury has just the one 'r'.
Hermione was getting ready to think about the lack of information when there was a knock at the kitchen door. Another sentence that really hits at Hermione for me. I just knew something like this was coming. Which means I feel I know your Hermione well. Which is good.
How would you like to come and have afternoon tea with me?” He asked. No caps on the 'he'!
Their interaction (and uh oh, I am getting repetitive) it also very natural. They've gotten very comfortable together. And clearly you are also comfortable with writing dialogue.
Andrea and George were talking in two entirely different conversations, but they were still holding hands. Insert another romantic sigh here. Ah, love. Makes me all fuzzy inside! Everything about them is adorable. Especially the ending with the empty teacup!
Sigh. I am almost ashamed to post this, because I feel like I've done a very half-hearted job. Maybe when I am more concentrated, I will review Chapter 4 to make up for it. *hugs Marie* It was a lovely chapter.
I really like Imogen! She's an excellent OC - and what an interesting relationship with Luna. I shall certainly be intrigued to follow her, her family and Andrew later on. Well-written as always, and described very nicely. Excellent!
So this chapter...is in some serious need of reviews. My favorite part about the chapter was the part where Liam kept galloping off to Sweden. For some reason. Can’t think why he would do that. Though the fact that Siobhan is in there at all is amusing unto me.
This chapter is a good exposition of Imogen and also a good exposition of the major plot point for the next bit, which I think I may have guessed. However, the chapter in and of itself is not much besides an exposition. Which means, of course, that strictly following this review you must add a new chapter. Because this chapter doesn’t give us a whole lot but a bunch of new characters. That’s my main criticism.
But you do a good job with the characters you do introduce. Imogen and Andrew are very similar in their shallowness – we haven’t seen much of the bratty side of Imogen yet, but once I knew that it was there I could see glimpses of it in what we’ve got so far. That’s a good sign.
You’d be surprised to find out that I am writing this review without the story right in front of me. I guess I’ve just read it so often I have it memorized. Stupid internet. I’m finally writing the review, and it won’t even let me look at your story. *is sad*
*is finally able to read it* There’s a lot of Imogen that might be skipped over but that may prove important to how the story plays out – how she can’t help but want to be praised and admired, how she avoids awkward people and situations, and stuff like that. Yes, this review is mainly “Boy, can’t wait to see what happens next!” but there’s a reason for that.
Now, have a nice day and no more complaining about having no reviews.
I like Oliver! You gave him a lot of character and a great personality. Next chapter!
Ron, and Harry, and Ginny all died!? That is so mean! But excellant start. I don't think much about Charlie, so reintroducing him to the story is a cool concept. I liked it.