Oh! Goodness, one day, I will write a story that puts Lily and Snape together!
Great story! I really enjoyed the raw emotions written. And I loved how you wrote Dumbledore. Cheers!
Oh, I loved your description of Snape in one. Wonderful! :]
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing, MaraudersAffair! :)
Preethi, m'dear! *huggles*
As always, your writing has managed to absorb me completely. Although I have this bad habit of keeping away from stories that have non-canon pairings, I could completely understand and appreciate the logic in this particular narration. It makes so much sensel, it could be canon. :)
It's interesting how you don't make the two meet directly - I've never ever seen that in a romance story, and that fact adds a different sort of flavour to yours and gives you brownie points
This part was a bit confusing, though - “Lily?” sounded a voice. And to her amazement, she recognised it as Rosina’s voice. She was confused, when Rosina opened the door. Instead, you could have Rosina emerge, and then have Lily ask her what more she wanted , and so on, because this directly follows the fake Rosina's exit and might give birth to misconceptions. :) Not to worry, though.
Ah, and the end. I could go on about it. I love unexpected twists and you pulled off a somersault with this one. *grin* Nice work!
Author's Response: Manju! *hugs* Thank you for that great review, especially the part about it could be canon: one of the greatest praise a fanfiction author could get. And I get what you mean about misconceptions, but since "Rosina" vanished so abruptly, I thought it would be kinda weird to make Lily start a fight again when she's so confused. Anyway, thanks for the brilliant review! *hugs*
I LOOOOved this story. That is my complete theory. Snape totally mistook Lily's kindness and friendship for love.
Author's Response: Thanks, glassslippers, and that is my theory as well, but we have to wait till next year at least to find out. *crosses fingers*
I like how you separate the story into two parts - with Severus and Dumbledore, and Lily and her friend.
I think it's a shame that not many writers explore Lily/Severus, but I think you did a wonderful job!
I liked the idea of using Polyjuice Potion, which is very original, and we can relate it to Severus and his Potions....
The last line finishes off the story beautifully, but sadly.
Thank you for a nice read!
Author's Response: Thanks, Dawn dear, for that great review! I love exploring new relationships and Lily is my favourite girl, she just fits in with everyone though we know she ended up with James. Thanks again, for reviewing.
There just aren’t enough Lily/Snape fan fictions out there! So, I was very pleased when I came across yours. I have problems writing challenges because I can never write them within the required limit to be a ‘one-shot’ and so they take all of eternity, and end up becoming full chaptered stories. What is good about this story is that you’ve not tried to bog yourself and the reader down with too much backstory, you’ve managed to cover the requirements of the challenge nicely, and you’ve written some very powerful moments.
I especially liked your characterisation of Dumbledore, accurately portraying him as the humorous, but yet wise old man that he is. You give him some very funny things to say, for example: “But I admit I have a weird habit of turning up at all places I’m unwelcome.”It does appear reasonable that the headmaster would come and visit Severus when he’s wallowing in self-pity because, like Harry, Severus is more than just a student and Dumbledore does place a burden on his shoulders. I only have one quibble about your description of Dumbledore, though, when you say how his “penetrating blue eyes made him [Severus] feel quite uncomfortable” Dumbledore’s eyes have always been described as quite still, calm and reflecting his patience as a person, and it may be justified that this patience can unnerve someone. I wouldn’t say they penetrated, though, that is more like something Snape’s black eyes would do. But that may just be me being a nitpicky idiot.
“I do not wish to discuss this.” He made his statement plain and clear, his voice full of hatred for the man in front of him, and the woman in his heart.
I liked this line. It is the point where I began to understand why Severus was feeling so miserable. He isn’t the type of person to allow his home to become so disorganised without a genuine reason. It’s very true of Snape to want to be alone when he’s upset. The word ‘hate’ is very intensive, though, and it reflects just how much despise he feels for himself more than anybody else. I think when you’ve been upset and let down like he has, it is easy to believe that you hate someone when really you don’t. You conveyed this quite nicely, especially seeing as he is willing to meet Lily but only in a guise. It is as if the experience is too much to endure without hiding behind a mask. Very Snape-like methinks.
“Severus,” she whispered. It took a lot of her self-control to prevent tears from rolling down her cheeks at the sound of his name.
This line was very romantic, even though she only sees him as a friend. You show in a simple way just how painful the situation is for her and how she accepts that she has hurt him because of he choice she made. I believe that Lily is quite a sensitive person, and you portray that well in this story, but she’s someone willing to take sacrifices when she has to, which is where her bravery comes from. I admire her in this story, even though she’s hurt Severus.
“Really, Lily,” Rosina tried hard to keep her anger in control, her face was flushed, always a danger signal. “Severus had no intention of turning up.”
I liked how Severus said this in Rosina’s guise and then later on Rosina says it also, once she returns. It reflects just how many doubts everyone has with Severus, he even doubts himself, whereas Lily has complete faith in him despite what everyone around her believes. It was an effective way of showing that their friendship was under strain, and how the rest of the world would never understand why Lily chose to be in association with Severus. I also like how Rosina in this section is angry, but doing her best to restrain it, because we later find out that she is in fact Severus. On a second read, you interpret it a lot differently. It isn’t a confused and annoyed friend who doesn’t understand why Lily is behaving oddly, but a wound-up admirer who is both angry with Lily for the choice she made and angry with himself for causing her upset. Even within this one-shot, there are a lot of layers of human emotion, showing that you’ve given it a lot of careful thought. One nitpick, though, I think “dangerous signal” may sound better than “danger signal” – but it is up to you.
She was confused, and Rosina opened the door.
I became a little confused at this point. It took me a while to realise that it was Severus beforehand, but once I did things began to slot into place. This sentence doesn’t sit well with me, though. I think it is because of the connection between the two clauses… perhaps have it as “She was confused when Rosina opened the door” because that describes why Lily was confused. I believe a little extra description of what is happening is needed. You could explain Lily’s train of thought up to the point where she realises that she’d just been talking to Severus. It will help clarify things in your reader’s mind.
Why didn’t he come? she asked herself repeatedly.
You need to add your italic tags on this line.
I found two typos:
Rosina roller her eyes.
Rolled not roller.
I’ll never forgive him for pulling of something like this
Off not of
But what Lily did not know was Severus did not have any intention of speaking to her again. Love had cost her a friend, forever. I admire how you can end a story with just one sentence, and within that one sentence you provide all that the reader needs to know for the conclusion of your story. Had it been me, that sentence would have stretched to half a typed page. It is interesting how love has cost her, a twist on the workings of both their love, and how Lily did love him as a friend, but never how it needed to be for him. One thing that did confuse me, however, is how Severus told Lily that she’d always have him – that was his message – but yet here it appears as though he doesn’t want that friendship. Perhaps explain how they weren’t given enough time to remedy the situation before Lily died or explain Severus’ change of heart.
Overall, it is wonderful story. Keep up the good work and you’ll be winning points for your house every season!
Author's Response: Laura, thanks a lot for that amazingly in- depth review. You can’t imagine how much that means to me, I’ll try and make all the suggestions, especially the Dumbledore one you pointed out. I can’t think of anything else to say but thanks.
Author's Response: Regarding how Snape told Lily that he would have him forever, and he didn't want to visit her, what I was trying to get across was that Snape would help her with anything whenever she turned up on his doorstep, but he would never go out of his way to talk to her again. That's a sort of complex he has. He wanted her to come to him, and then they would be at least friends. But Lily never went back to him, so love had cost her a friend. Does that make sense now?