I enjoyed your story. I love this ship. And thank you for keeping it SHORT, as I have been neglecting my real life lately.
Ooh, I totally forgot to mention before, so I'll be sure not to now by mentioning it first: you had unreqruited (-is it spelled right this way? I'm sorry, english isn't my mother tongue) SS/LE in your fic! Possibly my favourite ship ever, though I do like a take of SS/HG every now and then.
Another thing I forgot to say before -I should have thought better about what I wanted to say instead of wanting to rush off to the next chapter- is that it was such a smart move to have Dumbledore clear Severus' name the way you did. Very well thought out, too, to have it placed only after he died to keep him out of risk.
Snape was very much the Slytherin in this chapter, when he decided to accept Scrimgeour's money instead of throwing it in his face, like any of the 'Golden Trio' would have done. Very calculating of him.
Then, the moment where she had him make his own tea. Such a touching moment, and very clever of her to know exactly what he needed! I really enjoyed that little moment.
Again, in the ending you had the two characters down in the way they perceived things. I kind of like how you, again, hint at things yet to come without saying them explicitly, although I would like to know the rest of their story.
Well, I have really really enjoyed this story. Thank you for writing it, it's going straight into my favourites!
You make me adore your Snape more with every chapter! It's probably a good thing this story isn't longer than four chapters, for had it been, I might actually have gone and asked this virtual Snape of yours to marry me. Hehe. I giggled at so many of his snide remarks, from the "The Healer might be doing better; personally, he still felt like hell." to the “I am confined to bed, and I don’t have a wand. With luck, you might actually succeed in cursing me this time. That would be a novel experience for you, would it not?” part. His sarcasm never ceases to amuse me.
It's funny how Severus is obviously starting to care for Hermione, though at this point I'm sure he'd still rather die than admit that. But it's there right between the lines. I'm curious to how this will end, I'm not sure I'm ready to leave this story yet!
The ending of this chapter was very touching. I like how you showed Hermione in debate, that's very her, always doubting at first whether she should abide to the rules or do the right thing. I was glad to see her choose the latter in this case.
You write very well, although sometimes the story evolves a bit too quick. I would like a little more detail here and there, of only so I can indulge myself in this a little longer. I like how you say things without actually saying them explicitly, but rather with hinting at them. Like in the first chapter, where you didn't immediately reveal Hermione's identity, but laid out little clues to make the reader guess who she is. Very suspenseful!
I love Severus' character because he is so mysterious and so strong, and once again I have to give you kudos for writing him so well. You know, I can barely stand reading Snape when he's all fluffy and ooc, but you had him crying before, and pulled that off, even that.
I tried to leave a review just a while ago, but something went wrong. I'm bummed as it was really long, and I really wanted to continue reading as you've got me hooked! Couldn't do without leaving a review though, so I'll just leave a short one now. I will say just one thing: I really liked the characterisations of Hermione and Severus, both so very OC. Snape -never too weak for snarling at someone, even on the verge of death, trying (and failing) to be the emotionless Potions Master, and Hermione -always the idealist (as Severus very accurately remarks!). I think she would be the right person to see the good in Snape. I won't believe she went from defending him for six years straight to hating him for all she's worth in one day. Things must have been tugging at her mind for longer, she's too smart... Well, I'm off to see how this continues, you've got something great going on!!
This was brilliant, I hope that you´ll write more.
So, who does he think will hire him to make things when they all think he's evil incarnate, or close anyway? I liked this. Hermione is in character while still being a person who has grown and changed with life and experiences. Nice glimpses of Harry. Feel free to write a sequel (if you haven't that is).
Author's Response: Well, business owneres tend to be very pragmatic - if he supplies good product at a good price, they will be willing to take it off his hands (and since none of the customers will know who brewed their Pepper-up, it doesn't matter in the long run!) Glad you liked the story!
An excellent read with the main characters very true to JKR's rendition. Loved it! Especially since you didn't just throw them into each others' arms, but allowed the seeds of a real friendship be planted.
Author's Response: Thank you! Snape is far too damaged and suspicious to fall into anyone's arms at the drop of a hat... it would take time to develop any level of trust. Glad you thought the characters true to form - that means a lot!
I'm a little too tired to give you constructive criticism right now, but I wanted to leave you at least a short review to let you know that I took the time to come back and finish this and that I liked it very much, especially the ending. I love how you tell the future through Hermione's perspective, know that it will happen without it happening. It gives the reader a delicious freedom to fantasize about what happens next while still creating a sense of completion. Excelllent story!
Author's Response: Thank you! I think some things the readers' imaginations can supply a whole lot better than I ever could!
I love it! Not the least because I have a soft spot for unrequited Lily/Snape. It just makes so much sense, down to Dumbledore not wanting to explain Snape's past to Harry. I really wished he had chucked the money at Scrimgeour though. *sigh* Well, I suppose that's the difference between him and Harry. He's all for the logical path. Harry... ;)
Great job, I really enjoyed your take on Snape.
Author's Response: I wish he would have too - but he is too much of a pragmatic for that! He's not one for proudly starving to death if he doesn't have to. I am thrilled you liked my take on Snape -- he is by far my favorite character.
Your story is so good! I could read it over and over!
Author's Response: Thank you! I am thrilled you enjoy it so much!
I stumbled on this story about twenty minutes ago, and after reading what you've posted so far, I'm going to keep reading this one. Personally I don't see Hermione becoming a Healer, though as a career choice for her I think it's much more believable than becoming an Auror. However, you managed to keep Hermione in character, especially with the last paragraph of the chapter. It was just the sort of tart remark I can see her making when exasperated.
I don't write Snape very often myself, but I read a lot of Snape-centric stories on a regular basis, and by now I can say I've read the whole range of Snape characterizations-- from completely callous to completely mushy. Your characterization of him, while slightly towards the acidic end of the spectrum, is very definitely believable. Thank you for writing him well!
I'm something of a nitpicker, so here are my comments upon close reading:
In the second paragraph, you have “Well, well, Mr. Snape,” the oldest one of the Healers said in an over-hearty voice. It's definitely a choice of style/formality, but I think the Healer's voice should be described as "overly hearty" rather than "over-hearty." A small difference of syntax, I know, but "overly hearty" is more grammatically correct, especially for written English.
A few more paragraphs down, you have There was an acid retort already queued up on his tongue when he swallowed it at the last second. While "when" does work grammatically, in context I think "but" would make more sense. Again, just a suggestion.
When Snape first responds to Harry, he says I am confined to bed, and I don’t have a wand. While there may be a natural breath there, technically the comma is incorrect and unnecessary. The sentence also reads more smoothly without it.
I think that's enough nitpicking, even for me. In general, your dialogue is excellent (it feels very alive) and despite my comments above the story is nicely polished. Excellent work, and I look forward to reading more!
Author's Response: I am glad you are enjoying the story so far, and especially gratified that you think Snape in character and the dialogue not too stiff -- thank you so much! Now, as for the "nitpicks" - point one and two are well taken. I already made the changes. Thank you! As for point three - according to all three stylebooks I own, when two independent clauses are joined by a coordinating conjunction, a comma is always correct. In a case like this, when both clauses are short and equally weight, it *may* be omitted (and you are right; at least in US practice it is becoming more common to leave it off.) But it is still correct with or without. And in this case, I do like the comma. As you said, there is a natural breath there, and I like it to read that way. I hope that explains why I am leaving that sentence as is. Thank you so much for taking the time to read that closely (and for taking the time to leave a review) -- I really appreciate it!
You're a very good writer, and this story is really well written. You plant little clues everywhere without blatantly revealing facts; it's very well done. Great work :D
Author's Response: Thank you! This is really quite a short story, so I am trying to balance getting all pertinent information I want in there without making the whole thing seem like the exposition fairy paid an extended visit, LOL. I am glad you like it so far! There are two more chapters to come, the next one is in the queue awaiting validation.
That was brilliant. Very emotional, and I like that Hermione is a healer :D.
Good work, 10/10
Author's Response: Glad you are enjoying it so far!!
This story is really good. I like how you made Hermione trust Snape. Keep the chapters coming. I'll be watching.
Author's Response: She basically got the "Snape 101" crash course -- it would be hard not to trust him after all she sees during the Legilimency session, I think.
Very well done. I like the idea that as a Healer, she just couldn't let him go like that. I really hate the idea though that all these people would just let him die in agony, but you did support the reasoning well with your writing. Good job- I hope he isn't dead!
Author's Response: I couldn't kill the guy of so miserably, so things take a (somewhat) brighter turn after this.
Author's Response: ...off so miserably...I shouldn't try to do this at one in the morning, LOL. Thanks again! Elephas
I came across your fan fiction quite by accident one day, and was very surprised by it. You have a strong beginning here to what will undoubtedly become a very strong story. You’ve a distinct writing style, a strong grasp on grammatical technique and your opening is very different to many of the Hermione/Snape stories I have read before. I can see that you are new to MNff, so I advise that you continue to advertise the story and visit the forums. There are many Snape fans out there that will thoroughly enjoy reading this!
First off, I liked how you didn’t reveal who the Healer was at the beginning. There were many things that hinted at Hermione to the point where I guessed it was her, but the suspense was very effective all the same. It’s a good test to make sure that she is IC, having her unknown for a while, so that your readers can pick up elements of the unknown character to guess who they are. The fact that I was able to pick up on some typical Hermione traits – like her belief in helping all patients because she swore the oath – makes me believe you passed the test. Hermione’s characterisation was accurate to the books throughout, whilst you also showed how she was an adult, not a student, in this fiction.
Dumped on a cot, his insides scrambled like so many eggs, most of the bones in his lower body broken. The Healers blatantly ignored him – no sense in spending money and time to save a patient for later execution. Better to let him die now. Better for everyone concerned.
This small extract pulled me into your fan fiction. I just thought, wow, is this author going to allow Snape to die such an horrific death? You were direct in addressing the POV of the Healers, showing how they each were willing to obey the Ministry’s command in regards to their patient, and not become emotionally involve in their job. It’s quite a stark contrast to Hermione, who does see just how inhumane it all is. It is scary how they’d be unwilling to help because of economic reasons, but I guess it’s a true and realistic scenario. One nitpick, though – the simile “scrambled like so many eggs” doesn’t quite fit the sinister atmosphere of the rest of your description. I’d recommend you be a little bolder and use a more brutal description to describe the state he is in, but I understand that every author has their limit when it comes to such issues.
They hadn’t really wanted him here, either, but since he had been extradited from some god-forsaken hell-hole in New Zealand, and in that part of the world there seemed to be a bit more of a concern for what they termed 'human rights', the Aurory had deemed it best to at least provide some semblance of care. Ooooh, this sentence made me shudder! Yes, the Ministry are good at putting up pretences when it suits them, JKR has shown that in the novels, and it would be perfectly credible of them to do the same in this situation. I particularly liked your phrase: “for what they termed 'human rights'” as if the Ministry were too absorbed in their need for revenge that they’ve forgotten the universal liberties of every human being. I am very eager to see how Hermione faces up to the Ministry on Snape’s behalf, with the Ministry so set on revenge and unyielding in its condemnation of Snape. It will make for an interesting read!
“Still…an idealist, I see.” She recognized the sneer that accompanied those gasping words, even if it was a faint shadow of its former glory. This line is what I would describe as a perfect Hermione/Snape moment. He’s being the grumpy, cantankerous potion’s master that we are all used to, describing Hermione’s attitude towards him in his sarcastically bitter manner, as always, whilst she recognises him for who he really is, despite his terrible predicament. Snape’s dialogue is often the trickiest thing to write, and to keep him IC he has to have some walls built around him. You manage this here with ease!
He asked her, after a few hours.
“Why are you…still here?” How a man in so much pain could still put that much contempt into a few words, she didn’t know. Small nitpick here – I suggest you manoeuvre this around a little, so the part about her asking is in the same paragraph as the actual dialogue. So, for example: “Why are you… still here?” he asked, after a few hours. How a man….”
I did love this piece of dialogue, though. Only Snape could behave so ungratefully whilst being in so much pain… He is far too proud to accept Hermione’s help immediatly.
Someone who deserved every drop of suffering that fate meted out to him. Hmmm…. This was the only moment when I felt Hermione’s character was being a bit inconsistent. She’s willing to throw her arms around him, and then recoils and says that he doesn’t deserve the healing potion and must suffer. Although, we all have at least two personalities at a tug-o-war with one another in our minds, one wanting to do the right thing whilst the other simply wanting to do what is easy. So, I can see why Hermione would suddenly start chastising herself in this way. Perhaps she’d say that he does deserve some suffering, just not what has been inflicted on him. She certainly isn’t a vengeful character; this is something that Harry may wish to inflict upon Snape, but not Hermione.
I liked the way you set out the memories. Writing a type of metaphysical experience such as Legilimency is difficult and the way you set it out, showing only snippets of memories, was effective because I got the impression that each memory was passing through Hermione’s mind quickly, without her having the chance to fully comprehend each one. It also heightens Snape’s trauma somewhat, and creates a big impact on your reader. You were also able to give some backstory in it, involving Fenrir Greyback, which means you won’t have to dwell on such details in later chapters. One thing I would say, though, is that Snape did appear to let Hermione into his mind quite quickly. He was being very defensive to begin with, and I think perhaps it would take him longer than just one evening to trust her. Yes, he is in a great deal of pain but Snape has always been a very private, introverted man and to allow Hermione to see his most painful memories, after only showing him a night’s worth of compassion, may be a little rushed. Although, at the same time I do see your need to push the story forwards, something that I am struggling to do with my own fics at the moment!
Overall, it shows a tremendous amount of potential. Don’t hide this fan fiction away in a corner! You left the chapter on a nice little cliff-hanger, so I will be returning back to see where you’re taking it next. Keep up the good work!
Wow. Powerful. I loved this. I read it while at work and litterally cried out "Nooo!!!!" at the last paragraph.
Author's Response: I managed to make myself cry writing this, which is really pathetic, isn't it? Hope you'll like the rest of it!