This was quite good, however, I don't believe that there were cell phones in 1981. Sorry if I'm wrong.
Author's Response: Hee. I had to re-read the whoel thing to realise what you meant. Oh, that's hilarious you noticed it. I'm going to leave it in to see if anyone else does. Oh man... cracking me up!
I think you wrote better as an 11 year old than I do as a 14 year old. Allow me a few moments of jealously.
Very nice murder scene and nice reaction of Sirius'.
Author's Response: OOh, thankee dear! *pats on head* You now, you'd fit in well with the Ravenclaws; our Alan obsessions and all. I'm sure with time (and fanfiction) you'll become a wonderfully prolific author! ♥
Interesting. I like how you portrayed Sirius as getting no trial, it makes sense that everyone would just think it was a waste of tim(and managed not to repeat anything) to show the different emotions of the people. It's overall, very good. I didn't catch any grammatical errors, so good job! (lol) I liked how you ended with the climax, and the scene where Sirius attacks Peter is very believable.
Author's Response: Thankyou! I actually edited the end, from the original (11YO) version. Glad you liked it! ♥
A very good story that depicted not only the Potters' death, but also Sirius' reaction - which was great! I'm impressed that this was mostly written when you were eleven; you're obviously very talented. Well done!
Author's Response: *blushes* Oh, thank you! And thanks for playing tag ;) I'll be sure to stop by your suthor's page! ♥
Well hello! Very nice story! It was touching and heartbreaking all at the same time. You seem to be able to capture emotions and describe them exceptionally well. I didn't notice very many grammatical errors at all, only a few.
While saying Death Eaters in your story, you did not capatilize Death or Eater, and both should be. The only other thing I saw was in the last paragraph of the story. you say "H e would be given no trial, for they were sure he was guilty on three counts of murder." The H e sould be 'he'.
But those were the only two things that I caught. Overall, great story; I love it! Once again, you are able to write about people's emotions with ease, and they seem natural. Most authors write emotions to the most extreme level to where they are no longer believable. There were parts that made me giggle (when you described the bald tail-perhaps you weren't trying to be funny, but I instantly got an image in my mind of an old, bald man with a tail sticking out of his head =D). And yet there were other times when I wanted to cry. I love the broad range of levels of life you take your story to. Great job, and I hope you continue writing!
Oh P.S.--> Your banner for this story is wicked!
Author's Response: *claps hands* Oh, thankyou for the review! Phew! Exams are over, which means more writing! I've finished the next chapters, and that's at my beta. I'm writing the Gauntlet, so you'll see some of that from me soon enough. I'll go and correct that, they were simple typos. *giggles* I know, my impression of Peter was almost smack-dab on what Alfonso portrayed in in PoA, and i giggled too, thinking about a tail "whip" out of sight. I think i find it easier to show emotions non-verbally than through dialogue. The earlier Lily and James were very formal, and as an 11-year-old i wasn't very adept at writing as well as I am now. And credit for the banner should go to the wondeful Fly To Dawn; she's so talented, and deserves evey lovely compliment! Thankyou again for your wondefully long and thoughtful review! ♥
Hey Lurid! Told you I'd get to your stories! I like reading stories about this time period, because there's so much that isn't actually known. It gives the author a chance to stretch their writing legs a bit. I think, considering you wrote this when you were 11, that you did a stand-up job!! I could feel Lily's pain at having just lost James, and trying to protect Harry. :)
Author's Response: Yay, thanks Crafty! I'll get aroudn to your other ones after my Half-Yearlies are over :):) Thankyou for the kind words, lol i notice you didn't mention Peter *bows* and all the work we;ve done on the Round Robins has helped too, m'dear!
It is good, I wasn't at that standard when I was an 11 year old, and I still sometimes make my characters talk stiffly. (That's what you get for reading Oliver Twist and Wuthering Heights at 11 and twelve respectively!) But what really got me was the amount of typos. I know I can't really talk, but there were a lot of typos. But otherwise, 9/10.
I KNOW! I have the worst fingers ever. I don't look at the screen. *is sorry* Will try and fix it up! It helps, all this. Umm... the typos were 14 year old Steph *sheepish* I could type when i was 11, lol. OLIVER TWIST! I <3 that series!
State Multi Results: new PB's in Shot of 9.81m and 2.48.7 for 800m, 8th Overall. Wootness, 8th in State!
I liked it. James and Lily seemed to have a forced conversation. Also, it seems that James and Lily didn't know that Sirius had switched on them with Peter.
Well, originally, the 11-year-old me had L/J talking like scientists. You're reading the updated version.,p>Yes, I've ben gettging that one alot. I don't think i was too concerned about "canon" bakc then. Truthfully, i only foudn out what Canon meant last year! Thankyou for your comments. I'll try and see what i can do to change it t Peter.Although, wasn't it Sirius that tried to persuade Dumbledore? Or ma i geting comfused >.<
Really good start! I loved it! Keep up the good work.....stay in touch.
Hey! I haven't heard from you for ages! How si your story coming along? Did you notice I mentioned you in my profile?
Thankyou very much for keeping in touch yourself :)
hey that was great.good job if u have other fics send them! :P
I have another fic called Malicious Intentions which i think is much better set out.
I would send them to you, but you see.. there's ten chapters. Might be a bit long. Best just to go to my profile and look me up. :)
Lemme start off by saying this story's amazing for an 11 year old. Comparing it with my writing from three years ago would be cruel and unusual punishment. ;).
Besides the grammer issues the other reviewers mentioned, I thought the story flowed well. At times though, it seemed a little rushed. You miht want to try slowing the tempo in some places, so the suspense/action senses have more of a drastic comparison.
Last little irk/question - James and Lily. Are you implying they didn't know about The Swap? Because you made it sound like they were flat-out blaming Sirius. (Just clarify in a responce, please and thank you!)
Other than that, 'twas an
enjoyableintriguing read. Poor Maraurders. :(.
S'alright. Lets all pick on Steph, lol.
Alot of people have been saying it was quite an achievement for an 11-year old. I was about 5 months off tweleve, so whatever. I had been writing fiction since i was 8 and my first multiple page story was about a rug i bought at a garage sale that transported me to treasure Island. I was big on pirates then, and still nig on the hot, Johnny Depp kind too.
I knwo a few things made you tic. And goign back, this is one fo the stories you end up forgetting ahlf the mistakes when it comes ot review becasue there are so many. Evil reviewers wiht good memories.Thanks Nicole. Two days!
Author's Response: Oops. Forgot the Swap. Mini Me obviously didnt think so. *shruggsies* I could come out and say that it was Pre-OoTP, therefore little info. But I'd be busted; it was in PoA. Um.... Error for like, the first time? Usually I come back wiht some other answer that i pull outta my but, but this time i'm stumped. I made a mistake. *watches Ravenclaws record in their books, surprised expressions on their faces*
This is definetly above average considering how old you were when writing it. I just had a problem with the opener when it said "Harry potter", without capitalization. I also felt that the beginning between James and Lily was incredibly forced and awkward. I think using contractions instead of saying will not and cannot, would make them see a lot more like young twenty year olds who loved eachother. Nice work!
Yeah, my Mod said that to me [about Harry potter.] I have caps lock issues. I sometimes hit that then shift, so it ends up like that. I'll go fix that now.
Formatting was a problem. I was mainly submitting wihtout beta-ing to prove to myself that i could, for my beta-ee's sake, anyway.
I had absolutley no idea about OOC-ness at 11, so the L/J convo was a little forced. I'm trying to thinmk back to that though.... i tink it was a case of Stressed!James, Anxious!Lily. But yes, I agree. Colliqual language would help soften the mood. My coach is always telling me to relax. Why not practice a few yoga breathing techniques in the face of death?
Great job. I loved how it moved from one persons point of view to another. It was very suspenseful. There were definitely somethings that needed fixing though. My suggestions: I thought the dialogue between Lily and James was too forced. They sounded like college professors. They need to sound more human-like. Second, there were a lot of paragraphs squished together. After someone speaks, there should be a new paragraph. Also, in certain parts, like about the whispers, I noticed some grammerical errors. Besides that, its a worthy try and I look foward to reading more stories by you in the future. Keep up the wonderful work!
Formatting is a problem. Thank god Lori is a teacher ^-^ Grammer was never really a strong point, but apparently, most teachers in the ceritficate tests seem to by pass that stuff. After joining up wihgt Mugglenet and wrangling in Lori [I make her sound liek a piece of cattle!] has really helped wiht my English skills.
I'm nto quite sure wqhat you mean about the whispers, though. I shall go bakc and read.
I have another fic called "Malicious Intentions" It's currently up to 10 chapters, I'm submitting the 11th as we speak!
oooh goody! Steph rocks! I'd repeat my earlier threat, but then I'd sound cliched, and I hate cliches. but whatever. you really wrote this when you were 11? when i was 11 i only wrote some stuff for english class... and they didn't let us read Harry Potter then... so good! yay 10/10
*inclines head* As do you, Juli. :)
My very first fiction was either a goosebumps one, or the fly carpet/magic carpet one i mentioned in a later response.
One of the advances of being in the top English class and having OoTP come out the same year, conmbined with a HP Obsessee teacher probably had something to do with the fact we used CoS for Film Study. We watched it about 7 times. Each sgement about 4, then a few more justf or "Fun."-Steph
Woweee... I'm the first to review! :D I can't believe you wrote this when you were so young (not that you're old now...). You did a decent job of developing the characters, creating suspense, and portraying emotion. There's a few grammatical errors and phrasing issues that my beta fingers were twitching at, but overall, a job well done. I really liked the parts with James and Lily and Sirius and Peter. As a much older and experienced writer now (hehe), I would have liked to see you expand on those areas a bit more (just because I know you can do it) ;) Good job, Steph! Oh, and I'm off to beta ch11 for ya. Thanks for being patient.
Not that you're that old, either :D I'll let your beta fingers twitch a little longer. Give you some time off, I'f you'd like it. Just lemme[ny] know.
That i can [expand, I mean] i wanted to stay true to the 11-year of me. I want people to see how much I've developed. But the more noticable issues, i will deal with.
Rofl, the original spell was "Explodinatous." IO had not yet discovered JKR's talent for creating spells. Me, i like Latin. Sounds fancy.What woud i do without you, Lori?