MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Reviews For Closer Friendships

Name: Binka Fudge (Signed) · Date: 04/20/08 19:29 · For: Jealousy and Tears
This is a really good beginning to what i'm sure would be a brilliant fic, I'm not sure I'll get to read the rest as you've not updated for a very long time, but just thought i'd let you know this was great.

Name: Fairydust123 (Signed) · Date: 07/14/07 14:55 · For: Jealousy and Tears
I like the story quite a lot but could you hurry up and write more chapters??? Dont wanna sound mean!! I wanna see some D/G action!!! lol. Plz hurry!!! :D

Name: Lost Lily (Signed) · Date: 04/27/06 17:30 · For: Jealousy and Tears
hey, um i was just wondering who the Head Boy and Girl are? Wouldnt they be Hermione and someone?

Author's Response: Both Hermione and Ron have moved up to the Head Boy and Girl positions.

Name: Bumblez 24 (Signed) · Date: 04/24/06 20:54 · For: Jealousy and Tears
OMG you HAVE to update! I need some DG action here!!!! lol plz hurry!!!!

Name: QueenHal (Signed) · Date: 04/24/06 4:17 · For: The Meeting
Hello radcliffegrl4evr :) As a fellow writer of an American OC of Salem, I was curious enough to check out your story. And while you do have much potential, there quite a few things I'd like to point out to help you become even stronger in your writing.

Let's begin with your opening paragraph. It has potential to be strong... but as it stands, I'm overcome with the feeling of reading a terribly cliché description. “Her eyes like dark, melted chocolate” is particularly dangerous. Why don't you describe what's behind her eyes? “Her eyes, the color of chocolate, seemed to hum with intensity. They never left his own, and he felt as if he could read her very soul by looking at them.” Something, anything would help that one...

She told Harry about a wizard exchange program between the schools and the possibility of her signing up to spend a year at Hogwarts, shadowing Harry and learning the ins and outs of Hogwarts life. It was the perfect opportunity.

The perfect opportunity for what? How is this going to help him fight Voldemort? Will learning about the lifestyles of different wizarding societies aid him in understanding the strange society under Voldemort? If so, it is important for you to specify. As it stands, this just seems like you're grappling around, trying to find a thread from canon that you can twist to suit your purposes in forwarding your plot. I'm just not sure it's working...

The only other thing Harry did that summer was write to Angela. Mostly he wrote to her about what Hogwarts was like, what she would need, and went into as much detail as he could about the teachers and classes. He also frequently wrote about himself, his friends, and how eager he was to see her again.

I'm so confused. This just does NOT seem like Harry to me. After all he's been through, I just cannot see him suddenly falling for a girl and pouring his heart (not to mention deepest secrets) out to her on paper. Besides, if this is following canon, I have reason to believe that Harry would have much more important things on his mind—perchance, finding the Horcruxes?--that he would spend all summer doing. Spending every waking moment writing to a girl he has met only once just does not seem to fit into this parameter.

And, what Harry found most amazing about her, she was a Seeker on her school’s Quidditch team. However, to Harry’s great bewilderment, she also frequently pointed out her flaws, such as her tendency to sleep-talk, be obnoxiously loud, self-conscious, and get very angry at people for peculiar reasons, such as sniffling, mumbling inaudibly when they spoke to her, or moving their lips while they read. Harry wondered why she told him all of this but didn’t care, as long as she didn’t mind his tendency to skive off his Divination homework.

There are quite a few things I'd like to point out about this paragraph. For one, American schools tend to play Quadpot rather than Quidditch. For another, I'm not sure I like how you're telling us her flaws. For that's exactly it-- you're telling us. There's nothing here that's “showing” me anything about her... in fact, everything here is pointing directly to Mary Sue. And this is not a place you want to be hovering at all...

“No, Ron, I can’t say it does,” Harry replied hastily, pulling on his trainers and tying them hastily.

You've got two “hastily”s here.

“Why’re you so keen about being on ti… Harry, you great bastard!” A smile spread across Ron’s face as comprehension finally dawned on him.

Eeek... again, we have a bit of OOCness here. In the paragraph before, you have Ron saying “Bloody hell!” and in this one, you have him calling Harry a bastard. I realize they are boys and boys like to swear, but Ron's character is not one to randomly swear with every line he says. I'd check this... you could easily make his dialogue even stronger by not having him swear.

But realize that while I have many constructive criticisms, your ideas do have potential. Just keep at it!

Author's Response: Umm..okay. I think it's great that you took the time to try to help this story, but one of the awrnings on here is Alternate Universe. And Angela is not that Mary Sue, she's normal. You'll see later on why she had to warn Harry of her imperfections. You haven't read the whole story!

Author's Response: Pardon me. 'Warnings' was spelled incorrectly on the second line.

Name: HarryPotterLover77 (Signed) · Date: 04/15/06 20:19 · For: The Kiss
I love it...though i wish things would get hotter!

Author's Response: oh, don't worry. there will be plenty of that later on, i'm thinking!

Name: dan_rocks_our_socks (Signed) · Date: 04/14/06 11:05 · For: The Kiss
i can't wait till you update, it's really moving along smoothly!!!

Name: dan_rocks_our_socks (Signed) · Date: 04/14/06 11:00 · For: The New Girl
This is really good! It's not moving to fast and it's not taking forever either. i'm going to read the next chapter and i can't wait!!!

Name: Princess Of HP FanFiction (Signed) · Date: 03/16/06 12:22 · For: The New Girl
Another chapter well done! A sense of jealousy in Ginny I suppose, eh? That would be obvious. I like the story line very much! Can't wait `till chapter three!

Name: Princess Of HP FanFiction (Signed) · Date: 03/16/06 12:19 · For: The Meeting
I like the whole "aura" of your story. It well written and well presented. Good job! *CLAP* *CLAP*

Name: hpfannaticalltheway (Signed) · Date: 03/15/06 2:01 · For: The Meeting
hey, i like the idea and all, and I don't mean to be picky, but they really sound very young. They are in their 7th year now, which means they are are 17, but the things they say and their actions still makes them seem... I don't know, a few years younger, like they are still in third year. Other than that, I have nothing bad to say and im going to go read the next chapter lol.

Author's Response: be that as it may, they will naturally mature as the story goes on. there just needs to be a certain sense of 'immaturity', so to speak, at the beginning.

Name: Nargles_rock (Signed) · Date: 02/27/06 19:42 · For: The New Girl
one of my fave stories! I hope u keep writing!

Name: Nargles_rock (Signed) · Date: 02/27/06 19:36 · For: The New Girl
one of my fave stories! I hope u keep writing!

You must login (register) to review.