Hello radcliffegrl4evr :) As a fellow writer of an American OC of Salem, I was curious enough to check out your story. And while you do have much potential, there quite a few things I'd like to point out to help you become even stronger in your writing.
Let's begin with your opening paragraph. It has potential to be strong... but as it stands, I'm overcome with the feeling of reading a terribly cliché description. “Her eyes like dark, melted chocolate” is particularly dangerous. Why don't you describe what's behind her eyes? “Her eyes, the color of chocolate, seemed to hum with intensity. They never left his own, and he felt as if he could read her very soul by looking at them.” Something, anything would help that one...
She told Harry about a wizard exchange program between the schools and the possibility of her signing up to spend a year at Hogwarts, shadowing Harry and learning the ins and outs of Hogwarts life. It was the perfect opportunity.
The perfect opportunity for what? How is this going to help him fight Voldemort? Will learning about the lifestyles of different wizarding societies aid him in understanding the strange society under Voldemort? If so, it is important for you to specify. As it stands, this just seems like you're grappling around, trying to find a thread from canon that you can twist to suit your purposes in forwarding your plot. I'm just not sure it's working...
The only other thing Harry did that summer was write to Angela. Mostly he wrote to her about what Hogwarts was like, what she would need, and went into as much detail as he could about the teachers and classes. He also frequently wrote about himself, his friends, and how eager he was to see her again.
I'm so confused. This just does NOT seem like Harry to me. After all he's been through, I just cannot see him suddenly falling for a girl and pouring his heart (not to mention deepest secrets) out to her on paper. Besides, if this is following canon, I have reason to believe that Harry would have much more important things on his mind—perchance, finding the Horcruxes?--that he would spend all summer doing. Spending every waking moment writing to a girl he has met only once just does not seem to fit into this parameter.
And, what Harry found most amazing about her, she was a Seeker on her school’s Quidditch team. However, to Harry’s great bewilderment, she also frequently pointed out her flaws, such as her tendency to sleep-talk, be obnoxiously loud, self-conscious, and get very angry at people for peculiar reasons, such as sniffling, mumbling inaudibly when they spoke to her, or moving their lips while they read. Harry wondered why she told him all of this but didn’t care, as long as she didn’t mind his tendency to skive off his Divination homework.
There are quite a few things I'd like to point out about this paragraph. For one, American schools tend to play Quadpot rather than Quidditch. For another, I'm not sure I like how you're telling us her flaws. For that's exactly it-- you're telling us. There's nothing here that's “showing” me anything about her... in fact, everything here is pointing directly to Mary Sue. And this is not a place you want to be hovering at all...
“No, Ron, I can’t say it does,” Harry replied hastily, pulling on his trainers and tying them hastily.
You've got two “hastily”s here.
“Why’re you so keen about being on ti… Harry, you great bastard!” A smile spread across Ron’s face as comprehension finally dawned on him.
Eeek... again, we have a bit of OOCness here. In the paragraph before, you have Ron saying “Bloody hell!” and in this one, you have him calling Harry a bastard. I realize they are boys and boys like to swear, but Ron's character is not one to randomly swear with every line he says. I'd check this... you could easily make his dialogue even stronger by not having him swear.
But realize that while I have many constructive criticisms, your ideas do have potential. Just keep at it!
Author's Response: Umm..okay. I think it's great that you took the time to try to help this story, but one of the awrnings on here is Alternate Universe. And Angela is not that Mary Sue, she's normal. You'll see later on why she had to warn Harry of her imperfections. You haven't read the whole story!
Author's Response: Pardon me. 'Warnings' was spelled incorrectly on the second line.
