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Reviews For Moons of Deceit

Name: Puss_in_Boots (Signed) · Date: 02/21/06 17:27 · For: Defying the Moon's Demand
Hehe, sorry about the time frame mix up. I entered your story in my "favorites" the first time I read it and have sense only been accessing it through there. Consequently, I failed to notice that the category is "Marauders Era." That would explain why we keep seeing Remus in his teens. ~Blushes~

Author's Response: I'm flattered! I haven't really explored the "favourites" options here - maybe I should look? Anyway, there are nine chapters up now. GhV

Name: Puss_in_Boots (Signed) · Date: 02/18/06 15:18 · For: Defying the Moon's Demand
You are so good at capturing the character's personality! When I'm reading your story I can see each person perfectly. One question I did have was: When are we going come back to the present? Although I love all of the background chapters, I'm beginning to wonder what is going on in the present with Remus. Thank you so much for the quick update! It's so much fun to read a story that doesn't start to mildew in the back of the fridge.

Author's Response: Dear Puss in Boots, Thanks for taking the trouble to review. I think the secret of good characterisation is simply having each character very clear in your own mind, and never losing sight of exactly who each one is. We don't return to the "present" until chapter 17. The apparent flashback is actually the main story. But because it's two stories - Remus's and Ariadne's - it wouldn't have worked very well to tell them in strict chronological order, so I began with their first meeting. The story is finished, so I will try to submit a chapter every three days. But it will depend on my gamma-reader. I never forget that beta-readers do what they do free of charge or complaint, so it's never good manners to hurry them. Happy reading, GhV

Name: Puss_in_Boots (Signed) · Date: 02/14/06 13:29 · For: Eschewing Deceit
Wow! I really love your writing style. I can't wait for the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing. I shall probably post something within the next 24 hours. Have fun! GhV

Name: NoxSomnium (Signed) · Date: 02/12/06 20:23 · For: Barricaded against the Moon
Excellent final line you have there. I scare myself sometimes. I sat here and when Owen was in the hospital wing with Remus I thought "Oh, I wonder how she'll get rid of him." Didn't take your time did you? :) I don't dislike the background information really, but there is a part of me that is left hanging about Remus' transformation in the future. Oh and I am always happy when people make up their own spells for these stories. There's so much scope for the imagination there that sticking to the ones Rowling made up seems so restrictive.

Author's Response: You're right, that fifth bed had to be emptied, didn't it? There couldn't be a fifth Marauder, or a fifth dorm-mate whom the Marauders excluded, so of course Owen had to disappear early in the piece, before all the adventures happened. He was just a Lamb to the slaughter... My beta reader helped me with the spells; she is very good at Latin. I can't stick only to the canon spells because they don't always do what I need them to do! Anyway, there will be more about Remus's future transformations in chapter 10. In fact, chapter 10 will be a fairly blow-by-blow account of well-known canon events - you are warned! Thanks for continuing to review, GhV

Name: NoxSomnium (Signed) · Date: 02/07/06 17:31 · For: Deceit at the Wedding
Well, all the first bit was rather depressing. Interesting how you keep slipping in these "Ariadne knew" something without being told. Things that weren't necessarily obvious. We shall see. The shocking list was very entertaining and I was pleased that you managed to bring things up since the first part was so down. One wants to feel sorry for Snape but he makes it so difficult. I find it interesting the way you've delved into the pureblood family lines and histories however they are a bit complicated and I can't seem to remember them much. The last chapter (which I really ought to review but I'm tired so I may or may not) was rather sad most of the time as well. Also it's harder to draw it into the future in which (I assume) the main story is set. I understand that you wanted the background for whatever reason of your own, however right now it seems slightly (not much) out of place. But you may have it all bound in later so.... I just thought I'd mention it.

Author's Response: Dear Nox, Thanks for keeping up the reviews. Yes, this is a rather dark story, because these characters are coming of age in a time of war. I'm glad you found the atmosphere lighter once we reached Hogwarts. The difference is that Dumbledore is interested in reality (unlike the MacDougals) so evil is exposed for what it is, and the good is recognised amidst it all. You don't really find out how "Ariadne knew" until chapter 11, but hold on to the thought that she's more perceptive than her parents. I wrote the first version of this story pre-HBP, so I'm sticking to the Snape-is-on-Dumbledore's-side theory at least until Book VII is published. It would be nice to sympathise with a man who is willing to make such great sacrifices in order to do right, but he doesn't do much to invite empathy, does he? I think JKR's description of him was "deeply horrible". The pure-blood inter-relationships are complicated. It may help if I tell you that the Macmillans and Malfoys don't add very much to the plot. They are just there to provide a kind of Greek chorus of good family/bad family. However, the Macnairs (including Snape) will be important. It doesn't matter if you can't remember exactly who each member of the family is, or how they are related, but Walden Macnair is Mrs MacDougal's uncle, hence his granddaughters, Dragomira and Regelinda, are Ariadne's second cousins, and Snape is her mother's grand-nephew (although older than she is). But about the timelines ... oh dear, perhaps this story won't suit you after all. We don't rejoin the 1982 timeline until chapter 17. The bulk of the story is about Ariadne (odd numbers) and Remus (even numbers) before there was any indication that their two stories would ever converge. But I had to begin with the point of convergence, because it would have looked really odd to tell two separate stories about two people who had never met. Chapter 7 is about Ariadne's first year at Hogwarts, while Chapter 8 gives a panorama of Remus's middle years at school. Thanks for your support, GhV

Name: NoxSomnium (Signed) · Date: 02/01/06 11:41 · For: Ineffable Deceit
How ver fascinating. I can't entirely put into words why however, it is. So many very telling remarks. The statement that only Cousin Lucius can say what he is doing has such an enormous amount of thought behind it all bound up in it. However most of the previous thought would not actually admit that that is what it really comes down to. But of course you know that. I love children. They are always so much smarter then we think they are, although I get the suspicion that Ariadne has certain capabilites that most children don't. I love "Lord Mort". It's so perfectly childlike and delightful, that and not understanding why she can't say it anymore. It makes me think of Voldemort as Mortimer which he really really wouldn't like. The curdling milk incident was very funny. In all things a very character building chapter. Excellent work.

Author's Response: Dear Nox, I am so pleased to have fascinated you! The MacDougal parents have trouble knowing the extent of their own business, just as most of us have trouble knowing its limits. But Ariadne certainly knows all her cousins, and it's only a matter of time before she also has the measure of her parents. Voldy would HATE to think we were laughing at him, so let's laugh away! Thanks for keeping up the reviews, GhV

Name: Magical Maeve (Signed) · Date: 02/01/06 5:47 · For: Hiding from Hunter's Moon
Oh, the plot thickens! *Rubs hands in anticipation*

Got her accent now! Maybe you're not intending her to have a Scottish accent but this line... “Mr Lupin, are you not wanting to go indoors?"...came across with a delightful Scottish lilt to it. And I think my concerns about her method of speech in the last chapter were unfounded. Nothing sounded wrong here. Ten out of ten for a superbly IC Snape, I like a good cameo from our favourite greasy git, and I'm hoping to see more of him. The assemblage of Pure-Bloods was quite fascinating. the MacDougals seem to be of the milder, not too fussed about the Pureblood status sort. But they seem to enjoy socialising with their relatives and putting on a good show.

Speaking of which...Holy cooking smells batman! I thought I'd stepped into a Joanne Harris novel. the food and drink was so well handled. I felt I was standing in that kitchen surrounded by it all. Nice to see Cullen Skink appear! One little nitpick -- and the fool that moderated this should have mentioned it ;-) -- is that you need more capitalisation on things like Firewhisky. Some food and drinks are also capitalised, especially if they are trade names like Atholl Brose.

William is fast becoming one of my new favourite OCs. He's a truly delightful character and I love the way he interects with Remus and the way Remus understands him. The image of the children and him at the party was a lovely one.

And why indeed was the young lady kept at home for this party? I have a feeling we will find out. *Gives Remus a huge hug* Poor man. You have highlighted beautifully the problems he must have had getting employment and keeping it. When you look at it, this is a good job for him to have with the open space and the possibility of removing himself from the public... But those poor sheep! *worries about the sheep*

Really enjoying this story. It's intelligently written and full of touches of humour and pathos. Great job so far.

Author's Response: Dear MM, It's flattering to think that the beta readers become so absorbed that they don't notice my spelling mistakes, but of course you are right about the capitalisation. Never mind, the average non-British reader hasn't even heard of half the food and drinks that I served at this party. Yes, those poor sheep indeed. Would you set a wolf right in the centre of your flocks? The MacDougals wouldn't if they knew what they were doing! William is just a lamb in human clothing, but Remus is a far more complex persoin than that. The relationship between Ariadne and her parents will be developed in later chapters. However, I must warn you not to expect their behaviour to be always logical. Real humans rarely are. The MacDougals are not consciously prejudiced people (they would never want to hurt Muggles) but they do have difficulty in understanding anyone outside their own narrow sector of society. It has more to do with culture than direct racism ... although the two are so easily confused! Of course Ariadne has a Scottish accent. She is right on the banks of Loch Ness, remember? I'm afraid I find it shamefully easy to write Snape. I just appeal to my own inner Severus. Thank you for continuing to say such nice things about my story, GhV

Name: Magical Maeve (Signed) · Date: 02/01/06 5:19 · For: Truth under a Waxing Moon
Fascinating start. You managed to squeeze quite a lot into a concise opening. The first thing that struck me was the characterisation of the three people we meet in this chapter. We see a Remus Lupin that has stepped straight out of canon, a young girl who seems unremarkable, yet very real, and with her dedication to her family we already see a side of her that, I am sure, you will develop nicely. And then her mother, who you said so much about when you said that was as close as she came to giving an order. It's this sort of economical characterisation that I love in a fiction.

I also like the choice of location, away from the usual home counties and your depiction of the house and its Transfuguration problem was intriguing. A magical twist on a common problem when having a large party! So you have sucessfully set up characters, location and have nudged us in the direction of a future plot with the mention of the party and the fact that Remus has washed up on a farm. Nice bit of sympathy aroused with the mention of him wishing to be a teacher... And we all know he was an excellent teacher. *worries for poor Remus*

My only nitpick, which isn't huge, is the manner of speech that the characters use. They all seem to speak exactly the same. Now, I would expect a young girl at Hogwarts to be slightly less formal. It's not a huge problem for me, but I do like to see some differences in speech patterns. But we have seen so little of her that it's hard to pass judgement at this early stage.

Your writing is excellent. No errors to be found, but then having two PI betas would ensure that! So...on to the next chapter!

Author's Response: Dear MM, Thank you for putting so much effort into such a long and thoughtful review. I am sorry it took me so long to reply to you, but the respond button is eratic on this thread and isn't available every time I log on. It is so nice of you to find so many positives in such a short chapter! There could be no higher praise than "stepped straight out of canon". Who wants to be original when it's fanfiction? You are right, characterisation is a huge part of the point of this story. A great deal hangs on the character of Ariadne, who is not (I hope) completely unremarkable, but is definitely understated. You could forget her after one meeting. Her mother represents one of the "conflict" elements in the plot. Of course the MacDougals don't live in the home counties. The Highland purebloods are a sub-culture in their own right, and their isolation is one of Ariadne's formative influences. It also explains her speech: think grammar-book-with-a-Highland-accent, and you'll hear her and her mother. Remus, of course, is an Englishman. Don't expect me to be too kind to Remus in this story. We know that the years 1981-1993 included many hardships, so the farm will be no rest hotel for him. He survives there simply because the MacDougals are so insensitive to his real needs. Thanks for all your input, GhV

Name: NoxSomnium (Signed) · Date: 01/31/06 11:58 · For: Hiding from Hunter's Moon
Dum, de dum dum. There were a lot of words related to food which, well, I have no idea what they mean. Was that partially intentional, so as to be more wizardlike, or do I just need to become a chef? Perhaps they are common in the U.K. just not in America, or in rural America. Remus now speaks normally to me but Ariadne sounds like a house elf periodically. It was kind of cute.

Author's Response: Dear Nox, The dishes mentioned are all traditional Scottish recipes! And house-elves are a Scottish fantasy, so it's not surprising that they speak in traditionally Scottish constructions. It took me a while to tune in to Ariadne's speech, but eventually I realised that her use of the continuous tenses is more logical than mine. Thanks for reviewing, GhV

Name: NoxSomnium (Signed) · Date: 01/30/06 21:32 · For: Truth under a Waxing Moon
I am intriuged. How old would Remus be in this? I don't remember and I don't want to look it up :). It is a very interesting beginning. The conversations seem a little odd in speech. Slightly stuffy or overly proper. Maybe that's just because I'm in rural America but especially if the young lady is only seventeen, I don't know many seventeen year olds who speak that properly. Of course you may have done that on purpose for some reason as of yet unbeknownst to me. A year after the fall of Voldemort, a very interesting place to start. First chapters are so difficult are they not? It's so hard to have something happen yet let people know what's going on without actually telling them what's going on and introduce people etc.... Quite good is yours. Please continue, or I'll pout, and you wouldn't want that.

Author's Response: Dear Nox, I don't mind admitting that I did find it difficult to write this chapter, because I had few words and fewer events with which to draw the reader in. I am glad you intend to keep reading. Remus is 23. It's exactly a year since he lost everything. Ariadne does tend to sound like a grammar book (with a Highland accent). That is because she reads more often than she has the opportunity to interact with people outside her family. I must say that when I was her age (sixteen) I spoke quite correctly too. Regards, GhV

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