MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Chris_04 (Signed) · Date: 06/07/08 13:53 · For: Peeves' Prank
I love Quidditch :)
I'm glad James is still being his pompous but sweet self.

Name: Chris_04 (Signed) · Date: 06/07/08 13:08 · For: Night Patrols and Chocolate Frogs
I love how these two are so awkward with each other. They're both so scared to say something stupid. It's pretty much adorable :)

"'Anyway, my only guess is that she thinks I’m abnormal.'
I don’t.'
James almost killed himself. Did he really just say that? He was having an actual conversation with Lily without her shouting at him, when he had to just blurt out that touchy little line." Aaaw. He's so scared to sound dumb... It's so realistic :)

Name: Chris_04 (Signed) · Date: 06/07/08 13:03 · For: Rumors and Remus
I love Juli and Remus!! I like Juli's reactions to him because it reminds me very much of myself.

"Potter… was… acting/being… mature..." Try 'acting... or being...' because it's really informal this way.

"...her kind wandered to Potter’s lily..." You mean her mind? :)

"James wished that he could find out if Julianne liked Moony, but he hadn’t figured out a way to get that information without rousing suspicion." I liked this because it's something I see my guy friends doing. They're really careful when they want to be.

Name: Chris_04 (Signed) · Date: 06/07/08 12:55 · For: Evan's Lily
Another good chapter :) I like how James brought Lily a flower because I love flowers... :)

"On the opposite side was a boy with sallow skin and black hair. None of them were smiling…" With the DH out you'll have to have her awknowledge that Lily knows Snape... it'd actually be pretty easy to fix- just do something like add her saying "Hey, Sev..." then she gets beat up and either she wonders what he was doing, or have her catch him looking troubled by all of this, or omit him from this scene.

"All the recollections came rushing back to Lily like a shotgun." I'd use "like a bullet" since guns don't tend to move much theselves... I like your similies :)

"She’s five, you know…" That made me smile. It helped me understand your character Madame Curtis. I love sweet old ladies :)

Name: Chris_04 (Signed) · Date: 06/07/08 12:44 · For: Dumbledore's Announcement and Stardust
I loved “'Voldemort!' Sirius coughed. The entire hall flinched at the sound of the name, except for James, Remus, and Dumbledore." It showed how Sirius just doesn't care. He's just in his own world.

“'That will be enough, Mr. Black,' Dumbledore warned. Sirius, however, seemed very pleased with himself at being called 'Mr. Black' because he sat up straighter and smiled." I liked this. It showed that Sirius is a guy... Well, you know what I mean. He just wants respect.

"Sirius stuck out his tongue at James and James stuck it back." I'd use "his" not "it" cuz it took me a second to decide if he was shoving Sirius's tongue back into his mouth... I liked that they're sticking out tongues at each other. They're "big kids" but they still goof off and are completly silly.

Name: Chris_04 (Signed) · Date: 06/07/08 12:37 · For: Jamesís Patronus
"eyes as empty as a cookie jar once placed in front of Sirius..." Haha I like this similie. It seemed out-of-place in such a serious situstion, though.

"and he waved to them, arrogantly." Try "pompously." The word "arrogant" is soooo overused with James...

“'Is your girlfriend dead?' a cute, innocent voice asked." Haha. I love little kids. That was pretty cute. Are you going to bring this kid back? The only thing with this is that people write about first years like they're first graders... I dunno if that's something an eleven-year-old would say, but it was pretty cute anyway.

“'It looks more like Remus after full moon.' Sirius began to laugh, but he fell silent instantly, after seeing Remus glaring at him." So Sirius does know when to shut up... It's good that you've shown that Sirius knows how far he can push his friendsbefore they explode.

Name: Chris_04 (Signed) · Date: 06/07/08 12:27 · For: An Old Enemy and a New One
Nice chapter :)

I liked: "James took a sharp intake of breath, teeth gritted together. 'I’m gonna prove to Lily that I’m not an immature, foolish hot-headed kid.'
'Wow… that is going to be pretty hard considering you are one…' Sirius said thoughtfully." It really showed their relationship well. They just push each others buttons over and over and over but never fully push each other over the edge. :)

“'I’m fine, actually. Its just a little scratch.'” This made me smile... Cuz I love Monty Python... The first time I watched it it was about 3 in the afternoon and I had gotten about three hours of sleep the night before and five or so for the last five days before that... Gotta love travel busses.

"He was wearing a Slytherin head boy badge." Do you mean a Slytherin Prefect badge? There's only one Head Boy...

Name: Chris_04 (Signed) · Date: 06/07/08 12:06 · For: James' Fury
I LOVE all of the boys' reactions to each other and the way you've captured Peter. He's one I've always had trouble sorting out. I also loved James's immediate conclusion that since Lily doesn't want him to die, she must be in love with him.
You don't need that comma in the last sentence "James’s blood began to boil, furiously."
I'm really enjoying this fic! :)

Name: Chris_04 (Signed) · Date: 06/07/08 12:02 · For: Maya's Prediction
The chapters setting up Lily's friends are aloways tough because nobody "knows" them and they tend to get really really boring for anyone who doesn't know them as well as the author does. That being said, this chapter was alright.
I thought it was a little weird that James is totally out, his friends take him away (still not conscious) and Lily sits down and reads a book. I would haev thought it more in her character to get someone to help them out, at the very least.

It says "your future it kind of boring" instead of "is".

"He was astonishingly handsome, even though he was a bit arrogant." I didn't like how you used the word "arrogant" because it's so cliche with James. It's one adjective you're bound to find whatever Marauder fic you read. (I know you weren't describing James there, but that was the first place I saw it used.)

And do you pronounce Maya "my-uh" or "may-uh"?

Name: Chris_04 (Signed) · Date: 06/07/08 11:50 · For: The Platform 9 3/4 Fall
You did a really awesome job capturing Sirius's character! He's one of my favorite characters and I love reading about him when it's written well.

I liked when you wrote '“Ha, ha. You.” Sirius then did a crude imitation of James. “‘Oh, Lily, let me carry your bags!’ ‘Oh Lily, you look absolutely stunning today.’ ‘Oh, Lily!’ Just ask her out already, moron!”' That just sounded like a Sirius thing to say.
I also loved how James and Sirius are just hanging out dueling in the middle of the train station and Remus's reaction to this- telling them to stop, but not doing anything about it.
I didn't like the phrase "His lungs were fit to burst" at the end, it felt a bit cliche, but I loved everything else about this fic!!

Name: Gin iz kool (Signed) · Date: 05/07/08 9:03 · For: Betraying Alarm and Alarming Betrayal

Name: LoveHarry_93 (Signed) · Date: 04/30/08 1:46 · For: The Platform 9 3/4 Fall
I'm really loving this story! It's great!!
PLEASE update soon! I noticed the story thing said you hadn't updated it in a few years, and I am sincerely hoping you haven't abandoned this story!!

Name: Dan Fan (Signed) · Date: 03/07/08 12:17 · For: Betraying Alarm and Alarming Betrayal
well i read all 26 chapters. Please post bfast. i found it quite interesting. Anyways i thought why don't you add something about james and lily fighting about 20 death eaters or more. AND THE MOST IMP VOLDEMORT. Might be standing and seeing how they fight and appreciate them and ask them to join their circle. Thats what i thought as you yet didnt start post the 27th chapter. Anyways i will wait for it

Name: Dazed_And_Abused (Signed) · Date: 02/21/08 12:51 · For: Betraying Alarm and Alarming Betrayal
YOU are amazing. i love you! not literally cause that would be ... ew. but, still, you are so good. please continue this story, i dunno what i would do without it. good luck, and keep it up.

Name: clovergirl (Signed) · Date: 02/09/08 19:54 · For: Even with Hexington
wasn't the quote "a lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to put on its shoes" from Winston Churchill? He's hilarious!

Name: clovergirl (Signed) · Date: 02/09/08 19:52 · For: Unspoken Wisdom
the novel is "Ten Little Indians" or "And then there was One" Vera Claythorne is a victim/murderer in the story

Name: WhateverForever26 (Signed) · Date: 01/27/08 8:50 · For: Even with Hexington
Where can you buy the Eldest!!!

(I am a fantasy book person)

Name: WhateverForever26 (Signed) · Date: 01/27/08 8:34 · For: Never forget, never forgive?
Oh no! Cliffhanger! About Lily's Parents in a few paragraphs before the end. Nice one!

Name: WhateverForever26 (Signed) · Date: 01/27/08 8:24 · For: Burning Spells, Dangerous Warnings, and Blazing Fire
Nice story, and I was wondering how James was going to escape. A secret passageway maybe, but your way is WAY cooler.

Name: Lils and Prongs (Signed) · Date: 01/18/08 13:03 · For: Betraying Alarm and Alarming Betrayal
Please Please reply!which story did they play spin - the - bottle?I want to know if I may have read it!

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