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Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: PheonixFlamesForever (Signed) · Date: 08/29/08 12:26 · For: The Etiquette of an Entrance
Firstly, I just wanted to say that this was too short! I really feel that you had the oppurtunity to carry on further with this, and turned it into not only a longer one-shot, but maybe even a chaptered fic. Maybe it's just that I haven't found one yet, but I've never seen a fic that explores the Triwizard Tournament from a Beauxbatons students point of view. I think you still have the oppurtunity to do this, and I'd definately read more if I had the chance! I'd like to see how Lucille observes the rest of the school and, of course, the pupils.

At first I thought why isn't Fleur talking in her usual french accent? But obviously, Lucille and Fleur would be talking french!

I'm not sure the Lucille's description of Fleur is totally fair, and is maybe clouded a little by jealously and longing, a little bit, to be like Fleur, to be envied by many and a favourite student of Madame Maxine. Bill seems to be quite a down to earth guy, would he really fall for seemingly super-b**** Fleur? :) But then, I don't know when this story was published and so you mayn't have known about Fleur and Bill. And to be fair, in GoF we did recieve quite a stand-offish presentation of Fleur.

I heard a boy on my right Beauxbatons is an all girls school, as Durmstrang is an all boys school :) Just a tiny nit-pick.

I couldn't help but steal a look at her. I like this line alot. It does helps us see into what Lucille is like and also what she percieves Fleur to be like, notably - above her.

We all know she will get it. I presume you mean the oppurtunity to be in the Triwizard Tournament. But, the students were picked from that little fire thingy (cannot remember correct name). And they'd know that, as only those over the age of I think, seventeen could enter, and all the students from Beaubatons and Durmstrang were shortlisted, if you will, because they were over that age. I hope you get what I'm getting at, it was quite awfully explained.

I'd quite forgotten Madame Maxine, but I know exactly what you mean when you talk about her having favourites. She seems like the sort of teacher who would! I don't like teachers like them...

Over all, I do like this story. The sentances, although quite short and simple at times, do help build a nice effect and help to move the story along, whilst building up a picture of the situation Lucille is in.

Anyway, this was nice! :) It would be great if you continued it!

-elle! (Pheonix Tears - PheonixFlamesForever)

Name: Viveka Brown (Signed) · Date: 06/17/08 14:47 · For: The Etiquette of an Entrance
So Original!!

Name: HPLoverForever (Signed) · Date: 03/24/08 1:40 · For: The Etiquette of an Entrance
This was very creative! I like the idea of the story being from the point of view of an original character rather than from Fleur's younger sister or Madam Maxime. Plus, although this is a one-shot, you do develop the character enough to know the basics about her personality.

A couple things could be changed here to make your story even better. I would change the way you've written the dialogue to seem more like a French girl was speaking, for when you read it, it seems as though a Hogwarts student would be speaking, without the French accent. For example, in the books, whenever Fleur speak of Hogwarts, she pronounces it as ''Ogwarts', leaving the 'H' silent. It would give your story a more foreign feel to it. :)

Another thing is that your story changes from past tense to present tense multiple times. For example:

The carriage moved up and down ungracefully, jerking around all twelve of us. My hat fell off of my head and onto the ground. I quickly Summoned it with my wand. Oh the embarrassment! None of the others' hats fell off. None except mine. I look sillier than the boy who brought a fur scarf! If only I had put it on properly in the morning I wouldn't have to deal with all of the silly giggles.

Throughout this paragraph, it switches from past to present tense. Although it is almost unnoticeable, it's important to keep your story in either past or present, as it tends to get confusing after a while.

If those things are changed, this story could be really good, not that it isn't already. ;) Just a couple things here and there, but other than that, the concept and the idea are very unique. Keep up the good work!

Name: Laurelyn (Signed) · Date: 02/05/08 22:48 · For: The Etiquette of an Entrance
This was rather interesting. It reminded me very much of my random trains of thought, which was perhaps your intention, so good job on that. If I could recommend anything, it would be more imagery and perhaps a longer introduction into the Harry Potter part; that was the only bit that seemed really random and unconnected. But good job; keep writing!

Name: Fleuhr (Signed) · Date: 04/27/06 5:55 · For: The Etiquette of an Entrance
Very nice and peaceful, seeing as Fleur is my favourite character. Well done on picking her:)

Name: choc0tac0 (Signed) · Date: 03/08/06 19:12 · For: The Etiquette of an Entrance
This is very well-written. I love how you took it all through the eyes of a casual observer. It really puts a different perspective on Fleur, Madame Maxime, and Beauxbatons. I adored the last bit about Harry Potter. [i]We all knew what Harry Potter did, how he had saved us. It was because of Harry Potter that most of us were still living.[/i] This is an extremely powerful line. It shows just how far the "domino" effect of it all reaches, and really ties in the fourth book well. Fabulous job. 10/10!

Name: Sophie_McKinsley (Signed) · Date: 02/07/06 15:30 · For: The Etiquette of an Entrance
As I told you before, this is a wonderful, original idea. I love it, it is very well written. Thumbs way, way up.

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