Reviews For Barty's Story
Reviewer: cmwinters
Date: 08/30/06 18:38
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

I've wondered about this for some time - Harry seems to be somewhat immune to Imperio, but Crouch Jr. coudln't have been to be under it for so long. But you would think the Death Eaters would be - you'd think they'd have practiced it on each other. Or, at least *I* think so.

Oh dear, I totally missed this. Exactly how does Dobby know Winky? I somehow think it unlikely that Dobby was hanging out at the Crouch's.

Ok, now I'm totally embarrassed. For some reason that I cannot comprehend, I have no idea how Barty Jr. even knew the Dark Lord was on the rise again. Unless . . . his Mark was darkening, but then, presumably it would have done that during the whole Quirrellmort situation as well. Hm - maybe Barty, Sr. was talking about something where Jr. could hear him at some point, but are we ever actually *told* what happens there?

FYI, Harry sat in front of Crouch Jr. At the beginning of the chapter it sounds like he's behind him.

Wonder about these Invisibility Cloaks - we know of 4, AFAIK - James/Harry's, Crouch Jr., Moody's, and a spare. Where are they coming from? You don't exactly see them for sale but they're supposed to be "really rare" - but Moody has TWO?

"No, no, no. I says to Dobby, I says, go find yourself a nice family a ndsettle

Author's Response: Wow. Well, okay. The dialogue came directly from GoF, so if Winkey knew Dobby there then she knew him here. Barty Jr. knew about Voldemort because of something that happened n the first chapter of this, which was taken off the site because I didn't like it. I realize now that Crouch sat inf ront or Harry, but I dunno why I had him behind. And I have no idea wbout the Invisibility Cloaks.

*Phew*

Reviewer: Catrin
Date: 08/30/06 14:23
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

I really loved the bits from Wiky's point of few. I thought you'd characterised her really well - I could just hear her squeaky little voice each time she said or thought something.

One thing I did notice is that I GoF, it doesn't sound as if Voldemort had told the DEs to do what they did, in fact most of them didn't even know he had returned until the Graveyard scene, and you make it sound as if Crouch Jr. was acting on orders. I'm, not really sure though, as Voldemort was obviouly in contact with him.


Overall, I think it was a really wonderful job, and I wish this story had been continued.

Author's Response: Yes, everything conserning Voldemort and the Death Eaters had been talked about in the previous chapter, which has been taken off the site because I didn't like it. But thanks for the review!

Reviewer: Dippy David
Date: 08/30/06 14:13
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

An excellent story - great idea - I really liked the bits from Winkys point of view especially at the end. never thought barty jr could be with the death eaters as in the 4th book voldermort says it was lucius malfoy leading it. overal a fabulous story!

Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.

Reviewer: POTCgirl1337
Date: 08/30/06 13:58
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

Really good! I thought that going from Dobby's PoV to Jr.'s and back again was a really good way to describe what was going on. Making Jr. so evil was simple marvelous also! It shows whats inside of him and quite possible what is inside the mind of all other Death Eaters. One thing that I noticed you could improve upon, is sentence variation.
In alot of place all the sentences are simple: no comma use. To exagerate on a certain point better you would normally have compound/complex or compound-complex sentences, then a short, to the point simple sentence. Really good work!

Author's Response: Bleh, yeah, I wrote this a long time ago before I knew about sentance structure. But thanks for the review!

Reviewer: Undividable410
Date: 08/30/06 13:47
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

I really liked Barty's mindset throughout the entire story. His hatred toward Harry was genuine and perfect.

I had always been under the impression though, that the other Death Eaters were not aware that Barty Junior had been at the match, but it does work in your story.

Also, how did Barty manage to save his Death Eater mask and robes? Surely his father would have disposed of them...

It was great to read this scene from a different viewpoint. Now I feel even more sorry for poor little Winky!

~SarahRose

Author's Response: Thanks. I wanted people to feel for Barty and Winky, and I'm glad you did. Great review!

Reviewer: FeatherTrader
Date: 08/25/06 4:28
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

Wow. I like how you switched the views from Winky to Crouch through-out the fanfic. I also thought that Barty’s thoughts were an interesting addition. It sort of set up for what he was about to do.

The first nit-pick I noticed when reading your fanfic was the word house-elf. In the beginging you constantly used ‘house elf’ but towards the end you seemed to catch your error. You might want to go back and fix that. ‘He thinks just because people are calling him 'The-boy-who-lived' that he has the power to walk around and talk to just anynone's house elf.’ I’m assuming ‘anynone’ is supposed to be ‘anyone.’ And finally, ‘Ah, sir, meaning no disrespect, sir, but I is not sure you did Dobby a favor, sir, when you is setting him free.’ ‘Favor’ should actually be ‘favour.’

I thought this was definantly an interesting one-shot. Keep up the wonderful writing!

Author's Response: I guess 'interesting' is pretty good when I wrote this so long ago. But I'm glad that you did like it. Someday I will go through this and fix all the mistakes. Someday. Thanks for the reivew!

Reviewer: self named harry potter freak
Date: 08/23/06 20:26
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

I love this POV on the Quidditch match! It gives it so much more depth. I had never considered that Barty Crouch could have organized the Death Eaters to do what they did, and I like this version of events with that in it. Also, I hadn't thought that his real task would have been to get Voldy a new body, but i like that aspect too. Gerat work!

Author's Response: Heh, thanks. I rather like how my version plays out as well. Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: blackhairedweasley
Date: 08/22/06 23:02
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

Hey, Shayla! I liked the way you switched from Winky to Barty. That made it play out like I was watching a film, which I think was the intention. I did find a few spelling errors in the 21st and 26th paragraghs, but that's it, really. Great job, hun! - Jacie the Cat

Author's Response: Bleh, I hate spelling. I foten wonder how this ever got validated on MNFF so long ago. But thanks for your words. I, too, liked the switch between characters.

Reviewer: butterflykisses
Date: 08/21/06 22:01
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

You've done it again! You always see the most in events, and you see them from a new perspective. This is one of those time, and you did a brilliant job!

Your characterization with Barty Jr. was great! I never imagined him like that but it clicked.

Spectacular!

Author's Response: Thanks, Mari. I rather like Barty Crouch Jr's character as well, and I wish that he was written more often. Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: Viv
Date: 08/21/06 15:45
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

First of all, great job Shayla!

I think it was a good idea to show us what was going on in the trouble mind of Barty Jr. We all knew he was totally obssessed with Voldemort, but to get an insight of his thoughts is pretty interesting. By the hate he's feeling when he hears Harry talk to Winky, you can see that his loyalty to his master is really strong, even though it's been so much time. I pictured him to be like that in the fourth book, so I was happy to read this!

Also, I have to say that you have a great ability to make us feel the tension in the story. We're sensing that something big is coming and you're leading us there without any problem.

Author's Response: Thanks, Viv. It's nice to see you back.

Thanks for all the wonderful compliments. I've always been told I was good at description.

Reviewer: Sarakime
Date: 08/18/06 23:11
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

This is a really great story, Shayla. Well, all of yours are, but this one in particular, I liked.

I really like how you showed us what Barty was thinking, and how he reacted to Harry and Winky talking. It shows a side of him that we never got to see.
Also, how you showed Winky's thoughts. All really great!

Wonderful work!

Author's Response: Thanks. I've never really liked this story all that much, but I'm glad that someone else did. I do love the thoughts that go through his mind but there are just so many typos and such. Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: blackpaw93
Date: 08/18/06 21:33
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

What a great story! I really enjoyed the bit where he talks about his freedom and being under the Imperius Curse. But I also feel sorry for Winky, having to care for him all the time!

Author's Response: Thanks. I tried to make it believeable. I'm glad you liked it.

Reviewer: StaceyLC
Date: 08/17/06 22:03
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

Okay, trying this for the THIRD time...

Very interesting! I liked how you turned Winky's comments to Harry into cover ups for her reactions to Barty.

One thing, though: Would Barty have recognized Harry imeadiately? I mean, Harry was an infant when Barty was sent to Azkaban. I think it would have been better for Barty to start going off about Harry after Winky had identified him.

Other than that, good one shot!

Author's Response: Thanks, and actually, I'm pretty sure that Voldemort would have described Harry is some way, or Barty would know what he looked like from memories and such. But thanks for the review!

Reviewer: Sly Severus
Date: 08/17/06 21:45
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

This was really entertaining. I think you did a really good job of capturing the personality of both Barty and Winky.


I really enjoyed the part where Barty got so upset because Harry dared to talk to his house-elf. That was very amusing.


And I absolutly loved this line: Winky might have been a lowly house-elf, but she knew that screams were never good when a escaped convict was on the loose. Hehe. Made me laugh.



I did notice a couple of typos. Spacebar mistakes actually:


No, no, no. I says to Dobby, I says, go find yourself a nice family a ndsettle down, Dobby.


and


Her young master could be anywhere by now, andshe had to keep track of him.



Otherwise, this was brilliant. I loved it!


Author's Response: Thanks for the review...and typos. I seem to be missing a lot of those lately.

Reviewer: Khrys
Date: 08/14/06 21:17
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

This is amazing! You caught Barty Crounch Jr's thoughts and feelings so well as he struggled against the Imperius Curse. The angle you took on the conversation between Winky and Harry, and his group, was amazing. I love how you made it all fit so well with the actual dialogue and movements that Winky made. This was a very powerful look at the darker side of an innocent conversation.

Author's Response: Thank you; I tried my best!

Reviewer: kumydabookworm
Date: 08/14/06 11:46
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

I liked the viewpoint of Winky that you shared. I think that your transitions were pretty smooth, and that you described things well.

You characterized Barty with an almost childlike air ("do you in" is not something an adult would say, I think). I think that's very appropriate. He was imprisoned at a very young age, and he hasn't seen many people since.

Beyond that, I have one suggestion. I think this story could be even more powerful if you told it from a first person perspective of Winky. We would really get inside the house-elf's head, and that would be really unique.

Anyway...nice work!

Kumy

Author's Response: This was originally a chapter from a fic written following Barty's POV throught all of GoF, however I gave up on it half-way through and turned my favourite chapter into this one-shot. Hence Barty's POV. Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: hogwartsduchess
Date: 08/14/06 10:42
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

Wow, okay. This was an incredible story. I love the way you've told it from Barty's point of view, but I have a bit of a beef with it. While Barty did steal the wand in the top box, he was bound to Winky up until the Stunners were sent towards them - he says so in his speech at the end of GoF. Winky was dragging him along - that's why Harry and the others saw her looking like she was being held back. The wand was lying on the ground next to her because that was where Barty dropped it. Voldemort didn't contact Barty until after the Cup, when he and his father were alone in the house.

It doesn't coincide with canon, but it is very well-written nonetheless.

Author's Response: Yes, well in order for this story to fit in the way I wanted it to, I had to disobay cannon a bit to get there. But I'm glad you liked it nonetheless.

Reviewer: Blossomlily
Date: 08/14/06 6:39
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

This was a really unique way of telling the story. Obviously, you've done a lot of reference from GoF, and the way each of Barty's lines fits in is perfect. :) I could sense the intense - almost mad devotion in him, and it's pretty scary to think of what would happen if he hadn't been caught. *shivers*

I could see you've put a lot of thought into writing what happens in a crowd. Sometimes, one might get carried away, or spun off the track while doing it, but I liked the intelligent ideas Barty has. For instance: Using his strategy of picking one person and walking directly behind them to avoid bumping into someone, he managed to make his way out of the arena and onto the campsites.

I enjoyed seeing the events from a different angle. What I would suggest is a more detailed description. What you've written is perfectly fine, it's just my hunger for detail, because this provides a perfect opportunity for it - the noise, sweat, excitement, and then the fear and utter panic.

Overall, though, you've done a great job on this. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thanks for the wonderful review. And I'm glad that I made the character realistic enough that it made you shudder thinking of what could happen had he escaped...*giggle*

Reviewer: solemnlyswear_x
Date: 08/13/06 17:01
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

Wow, I’ve never read a story from Barty Crouch Junior’s perspective. I thought it was a unique idea, and I really enjoyed reading this!

You have a few spelling errors here and there, but it doesn’t take away from the story, or anything like that. Here are the few I noticed.

'The-boy-who-lived' that he has the power to walk around and talk to just anynone's house elf.
Anynone’s should be anyone’s.

“He was used to being under the Invisibilty Cloak.”
Invisibilty should be Invisibility

“This was convinient; he now would be able to know what was going on.”
Convinient should be convenient.

But really, they're just minor errors. Anyway, Barty Crouch Junior’s characterization is very good. I especially liked the lines about Harry.

Really! Potter thinks he knows everything there is to know, but I'll show him!

That seems like the sort of thing he would be thinking while under his cloak. It's sinister, and it shows how much control he's regaining- plotting against Harry already.

I personally thought ending it with Winky’s POV was a great ending. It was a good way to tie in what we know happens in GoF- Winky getting Stunned and BCJ sending up Mosmordre.

So, wonderful job!!! =]

Author's Response: Thank you for everything. And, actually, I've found a lot of typoes myself as well as those that people have commented on, but I'm just going to wait until the EoM reviews stop before fixing them all.

Reviewer: Lily_greeneyes
Date: 08/13/06 7:36
Chapter: The Quidditch World Cup

This was a great perspective of Barty Crouch junior. I liked how you inserted all his thoughts and the small breaks where he was battling the Imperius curse, but couldn't yet overcome it.

One thing that I believe you could have improved on, was Winky's perspective. At the point where she realised Barty had gone, to me, it didn't seem like much of a deal to her even after she had stopped her conversation with Harry. I don't know why, but I've always thought that she hadn't realised Barty had left her until the end of the game because she was too preoccupied with her fear of heights...But your idea was also good, though I reckon you could have made it seem more believable.

"Let's see if the foolish boy can even notice if his wand' missing..."
You're missing an 'is' after wand. Yes, that's extremely nitpicky, but I thought I'd just point that out to you...

Another part of this story I liked was the ending. For some reason, I like the abrupt, yet powerful ending. Ending it with her being stunned.

Overall, I like this fic. Well done, Shayla! =)

Author's Response: Well I'm glad someone liekd the ending. Many people have commented that I should remove Winkey's POV there, but I think it just adds to the piece. And I wanted to tie up all the lose ends. I'm glad you like it, though, and thanks for the review!

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
Chocolate Frog by L A Moody 3rd-5th Years
Amid the desolation of Diagon Alley, a tiny ray of hope lay buried. Nothing...
I Suspect Nargles by foolondahill17 3rd-5th Years
“No one’s ever kissed me before…. What is one to do now?” An extensive...
The Life and Times of Linnea Potter by Cantatrix 1st-2nd Years
Linnea Potter has lived under the tyranny of her relatives for the better part...
FEATURED
Glass over the Flame by the opaleye 3rd-5th Years
Harry, Hermione, and the moments in between. He doesn’t say that this...
Tom Riddle and the Chamber of Secrets by CanisMajor 3rd-5th Years
What really happened the last time someone let the Basilisk out? Harry Potter...
Red Squirrel/Sun Rises by hestiajones 1st-2nd Years
+ He wouldn't celebrate his birthday, but his son had other ideas. + This was...
Sybill Trelawney and the Unexpected Gift by Squibstress 3rd-5th Years
Sybill Trelawney learns to live with her Inner Eye, cooking sherry, and Minerva...
Pat-a-Cake by foolondahill17 1st-2nd Years
Molly Weasley II, called Pat, and twenty-one lot and little-known facts. Or...
Wood by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 6th-7th Years
Marcus Flint, the infamous Super Seventh Captain of the Slytherin Quidditch...
CATEGORIES