Reviews For Amortentia
Reviewer: malko050987
Date: 08/28/06 6:00
Chapter: Chapter Three

You know, I didn't think AT ALL about Voldemort. So yeah, I'm surprised. :)

Very nice development this chapter. Still, why isn't the potion-free Tom acting more like the Muggle he was? I'd think that he'd act more harsh towards Mereope.

Another well-written chapter, and I can't wait to see what will happen now. :) How will Tom react?

Chris

Author's Response: Heh, I sort of think of him as someone who isn't a morning person and doesn't really realize what's going on until after he drinks the potion. Does that make sense? Thanks for the review, Chris.

Reviewer: malko050987
Date: 08/28/06 5:51
Chapter: Chapter Two

Ooh, things are getting interesting. I like your description of the holiday, sounds like the real thing :D It's not exactly a celebration of love, but more of a coming-of-spring thing.

The small amulets, as you call them, are given to girls, but not just to a romantic interest. You'd give one to a sister, a friend, a relative, etc. :)

I have this essay abut it, but it would be useless to dig for it now :)

Great chapter. The jealousy was well-written, and it tells us a lot about her. Wouldn't the potion make sure that Tom was faithful to her? Silly girl :D

Tom's actions are great, too. Very well-written.

Chris

Author's Response: Yeah, the research I did for that said it could be given to anyone, but I just thought it would work better with the plot just for it to be romantic. Thanks, though. I wish you had been here when I was writing this so I could ask *you* questions.

Reviewer: malko050987
Date: 08/28/06 5:34
Chapter: Chapter One

Hahaha :D I WAS in the Ciucas Mountains, like a month ago. Great mountains :)

One correction: “A face pe plac la a păstra al tău chipeş şi picioare interior art.hot. film tren la tot timp.” should look like: "Vă rugăm să păstraţi mâinile şi picioarele în interiorul trenului în timpul mersului."

art.hot is a grammar note, and really has no bussiness being in a story :D

Anyway, I like the way you build the history, using her memory, and the short scene with the dresses. Gives power to the character. I wonder what that thing with the potion means?

Of course, we know that she'll stop feeding him the potion, so I'm waiting to see what happens :)

Great work, keep it up :)

Chris

Author's Response: *worries* Wow, I really had never imagined someone from Romania actually reading this! I hope it didn't stink too badly...and I shall change that translation when I go through this next time. Thanks, Chris!

Reviewer: cmwinters
Date: 08/28/06 5:24
Chapter: Chapter Two

Among these were busy roads, street venders,

VendOrs

She removed herself from Tom’s embraced

I think you can drop that D at the end. ;)

Tom could find the time when Merope wasn’t looking to buy the supplies he needed.

"couldn't", maybe?

On is way back he stopped by a flower vender

"On his way back he stopped by a flower vendor.

“You look out of breath.” Merope observed

"You look out of breath *comma* (not period)", Merope observed...

There's some law written somewhere about not being able to spot your own mistakes, I swear.

Wow - Merope's rellly jealous and insecure. Not that I blame her, under the circumstances - she certainly has reason to be, after all. Plus, I know how this part of the story ends. ;)

Hm. I'm not sure how well the red and blue flowers would grow in Romania in the winter - is this a magical hotel? I think the snowdrops are winter flowers, to take a guess.

OMG *facepalm* - this is about to get bad, isn't it? Ooof.

Author's Response: Bleh. Someday I'll get around to editing this. You're right; it must me some sort of rule that you can't ever find your own mistakes. And, yeah, it is about ti get pretty bad...*dun dun dunnn* Thanks for the review, cm.

Reviewer: malko050987
Date: 08/28/06 5:22
Chapter: Prologue

Woo!! :) Nice chapter. The way you write Tom is great. His thoughts, especially, showing the change the potion makes.

I'm not certain about Mereope, she didn't give me the impression of being that enterprising. But then again, her father didn't give her a chance to do anything, really.

I can't wait to see what happens next :)

Chris

Author's Response: *huggles my Tom* Thanks, I love him, too. Heh, thanks for the review, Chris!

Reviewer: cmwinters
Date: 08/28/06 5:12
Chapter: Chapter One

Oh dear god. You want to talk about some HIGHLY amusing timing?

I was *just* talking to Malko (and I mean, like, four minutes before I started reading the prologue), about the password in our new CR. So I've got linguistics on the mind. And I see the language, try to figure it out, and see that it's Romania (I didn't get to translate it since I don't speak Romanian), and, of course, IMMEDIATELY think it was him that gave you the translation.

Then you get to the whole landscape thing, which was really amusing given some posts of his a couple weeks back. By this point, i'm CONVINCED it's him, but he told me it wasn't, due to timing.

I dragged him over here anyway. ;)

Ok, having said all that. . . .

Ah yes, the dreaded ellipsis. Canonically, it should be space period space period space period space, unless it's a pause at the end of the sentence in which case it's wordperiod space period space period space NewSentence.

Dividers, canonically, are three asterisks. Centered. Preceeded and superceded by a double-space.

All of which should be in Garamond, which, AFAIK, is not supported on the fic forum.

Don't ask me why I know that. >_>

I *loved* the looks of disbelief of everyone around them. That was classic. ;)

I also really really liked the landscape descriptions. That can really make a fic for me and I have a horrible time remembering to do it myself.

I also really really liked how you have the differences in the potion - wondering if it's him not processing all that was in his system the day before, or if the potion strengthens as it sits, or . . .

It's super poignant that her potion smells like home, and NOT AT ALL like Tom. O_o That's saying a whole lot.

It's so gripping how she left an abusive relationship with her father and brother, and flew right into an abusive relationship with Tom. And the sad thing is, women do exactly that. *sigh*

I want Omnilingua as a spell. *pout* That'll be right on my list after Appration and Scourgify.

Author's Response: You give the best reviews. Seriously, this is the best one I've read so far! And yeah, I doon't follow canon for a lot of that formatting stuff, but whatever. And I didn't talk to Chris (Malco) at all before doing this, but rather *gasp* looked up all the information myself. Annnnnd....I want that spell, too. It's be awesome.

Reviewer: cmwinters
Date: 08/28/06 4:51
Chapter: Prologue

Oh I LOVE Merope fics! I've only ever even SEEN two others, which were, thankfully, well done and thoroughly enjoyable - much like this is shaping up to be.

I don't really understand why more people don't write her. I mean, I'd imagine she'd be difficult to write *properly*, but it can't be the time issue because so many people are putting out post-HBP fics.

It seems for most people she's easy to overlook, which honestly is kind of strange, when you realise that it's *Merope*, and her decision to ensnare Tom Riddle by "any means" that is the REAL starting place for this entire story. Not the fallout between Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin, NOT the Dark Lord being vanquished by Lily's sacrifice - Tom being bewitched by Merope that caused them to elope and the Dark Lord's conception is the start of the entire story, because without the Dark Lord, Harry would have grown up with James and Lily and there would be no real reason for the story.

Heh - your "unbewitched' Tom sounds like "my" Snape. ;)

I really appreciate you painting Merope here as articulate. She doesn't speak in HBP, but that's from sheer terror.

I'm intrigued about the rumours . . .

Author's Response: Heh, cm, that means a lot coming from you. I know. And yes, I agree that Merope needs to be written more. Although I must say that this Tom was written long before I read about your Snape-- *giggle*. Thanks!

Reviewer: FeatherTrader
Date: 08/24/06 17:15
Chapter: Epilogue ~ Birth of a Legend

I thought it was interesting how you switched from past to present through-out the chapter. I think it added extra closure to the situation that was occurring. The memories of the past you selected sort of completed the story; showed us what she did in that nine months without actually taking us through every aspect of her life on the streets.

And now; a few nit picks. ‘The temperature was frigid and the ground just as old.’ I think ‘old’ is supposed to be ‘cold.’ Second, ‘Merope looked into the eyes of her new born and said in reply, “Tom, after his father…” ’ ‘New born’ should actually be ‘newborn.’

Overall, I liked the fanfic as a whole. You defiantly had an interesting way of portraying the couple’s short time together and the creation of ‘a new legend’ as you put it.

Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. Yes, I made a few errors, and maybe someday I'll go and fix them. *sigh* But I'm glad you liked the tense switching; I've always loved doing that. Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: FeatherTrader
Date: 08/24/06 16:55
Chapter: Chapter Five

Wow. I adored the imagery and analogies in this chapter. They were really well written. Poor Merope. Everything seemed to fit in wonderfully to describe Merope’s depression and her emotions.

I think my favourite part was how you described Merope as being isolated from the town. Even though everything and everyone around her was happy and thrilled by the holiday, she knew she couldn’t be a part of that. I’m guessing partly because she couldn’t understand what they were saying, but also because her comfortable life that she had become adjusted to had be snatched away from her. I suppose it serves her right for trying to trick Tom into loving her, but still; it’s sad.

Wonderful chapter! Keep up the fantastic writing.

Author's Response: Double review?

Reviewer: FeatherTrader
Date: 08/24/06 16:55
Chapter: Chapter Five

Wow. I adored the imagery and analogies in this chapter. They were really well written. Poor Merope. Everything seemed to fit in wonderfully to describe Merope’s depression and her emotions.

I think my favourite part was how you described Merope as being isolated from the town. Even though everything and everyone around her was happy and thrilled by the holiday, she knew she couldn’t be a part of that. I’m guessing partly because she couldn’t understand what they were saying, but also because her comfortable life that she had become adjusted to had be snatched away from her. I suppose it serves her right for trying to trick Tom into loving her, but still; it’s sad.

Wonderful chapter! Keep up the fantastic writing.

Author's Response: Thanks. I dunno if it's "fantastic", but I'm glad you like it.Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: FeatherTrader
Date: 08/24/06 16:27
Chapter: Chapter Four

Should I feel sorry for Tom? Or should I feel sorry for Merope? Very confusing stuff. Personally, I like how you’ve represented both of them and made the choice of who to hate so painstakingly hard. I think it’s interesting how you portray Merope as being very passive. She seems to know everything that is going on, and how everything is falling apart...yet she decides to still go up to her room and just wait for him to come back to her. It’s intriguing to say the least.

The only nit-pick I found was, ‘Maybe if you left me alone though, they would be.’ I don’t think I’ve ever head someone refer to their relationship in first person as ‘they.’ Instead, I think, it should be ‘it.’

Overall, I think this is a wonderful -well, angsty- chapter. It’s an interesting thought to consider if Tom had never left Merope and the younger Tom (Voldemort) didn’t grow up in an orphange...

Author's Response: Double review?

Reviewer: FeatherTrader
Date: 08/24/06 16:27
Chapter: Chapter Four

Should I feel sorry for Tom? Or should I feel sorry for Merope? Very confusing stuff. Personally, I like how you’ve represented both of them and made the choice of who to hate so painstakingly hard. I think it’s interesting how you portray Merope as being very passive. She seems to know everything that is going on, and how everything is falling apart...yet she decides to still go up to her room and just wait for him to come back to her. It’s intriguing to say the least.

The only nit-pick I found was, ‘Maybe if you left me alone though, they would be.’ I don’t think I’ve ever head someone refer to their relationship in first person as ‘they.’ Instead, I think, it should be ‘it.’

Overall, I think this is a wonderful -well, angsty- chapter. It’s an interesting thought to consider if Tom had never left Merope and the younger Tom (Voldemort) didn’t grow up in an orphange...

Author's Response: Yes, it's very confusing stuff. I tried to make it that way. And I'm glad you think it's both wonderful and angst, as I was going for both of those. Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: FeatherTrader
Date: 08/23/06 20:56
Chapter: Chapter Three

And the plot thickens. I like the way you have Tom growing what seems to be slightly more immune to the Amortentia right as Merope becomes pregnant. Not even nine months of happiness left for the poor couple. Well, poor Merope at least.

The only nit-pick that caught my eye was towards the introduction. ‘Merope chuckled to herself but knew better than to laugh out loud, “That isn’t orange juice, Tom. It’s a morning drink called ‘coffee.’’ When the dialogue starts, there should be a full stop instead of a comma.

I think you portray Merope’s guilt very subtly but also realistically. I like how you portrayed her as a wife who’s desperate to believe her husband truly does love her, and the potion is only to make it through the rough mornings. Even though, deep down she knows that’s not the true case.

Author's Response: I'm glad that you seem to understand so much about Merope just from what I've written. It makes me happy to hear that. And thanks for the review!

Reviewer: FeatherTrader
Date: 08/23/06 20:43
Chapter: Chapter Two

I think my favourite part in your fanfic so far is the contradictory between Tom under the love potion and Tom not under the love potion. It’s interesting to think about the different effects of loving someone might have on your personality. I think you’ve portrayed Tom’s careless attititude quite well while he’s not underneath the potion’s effects.

Being in the nit/brit-pick mood I’m in, I thought I might mention a few small errors. ‘The color of their flowers had changed many times since the couple had first come to this town.’ Color is the American spelling, however colour is the spelling you’re searching for. Also, generally you write out numbers under a hundred. So, ‘It only took him about 30 seconds to find the nearest craft cart.’ would actually be ‘thirty.’

Keep up the fantastic writing!

Author's Response: Aww, thanks. I'm glad you're liking it. And, yes, I should change te 'colour' thing, but I'm pretty sure it's under twenty that you spell it out, but maybe I'll fix it eventually.

Reviewer: self named harry potter freak
Date: 08/23/06 20:00
Chapter: Epilogue ~ Birth of a Legend

Love the ending. I like how you went back and forth from the past to the day she gave birth, and the transitions were seamless. I didn't think anything of the fact that Sara left on the same day as Tom, and I was shocked that they ended up together. How did they overcome the language barrier? Oh well. I loved it! Fantastic story!

Author's Response: He still had the spell on him that made him think he spoke Romanian. And I'm glad you thought the transistions were "seamless". I worried that it might sound choppy, but I'm glad it didn't. Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: self named harry potter freak
Date: 08/23/06 19:44
Chapter: Chapter Five

I love the water analogy, how it always sticks together and isn't afraid to change. And the leaving of the flowers was very powerful. I love it all!

Author's Response: Thanks. I've always been intrigued by water.

Reviewer: self named harry potter freak
Date: 08/23/06 19:30
Chapter: Chapter Four

Well, I think Merope got what she deserved. She lured him there with a love potion when he didn't love her, and he had every right to leave. But wouldn't things have been different if Voldy had had a father figure to look up to...

Author's Response: Yes, I agree, Voldy might have been different. But I don't think that Merope necissarily deserved that. I feel bad for her.

Reviewer: self named harry potter freak
Date: 08/23/06 19:17
Chapter: Chapter Three

oh man! I only realized it at the very end! Little baby Voldy has started the nine month trip until his big debut. And, oh, the wonders of coffee. You've gotta love it. I love how you made Merope test out a day without the potion. She's trying to make herself believe that hois love is real, but her efforts are futile.

Author's Response: Yeah, it sort of sneaks up on you, but then once you read it again you know why she seems sick. I'm glad it worked. And, yes, obviously her efforts don't turn out the way she hoped. Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: self named harry potter freak
Date: 08/23/06 19:07
Chapter: Chapter Two

Wow. How do you know so much about Romania? I love how Merope was jealous of Sara. She knows all he sees is her under the potion, but sees everyone as a threat all the same.

Author's Response: Heh, a lot of research can pull off. And thanks, I always love Sara.

Reviewer: self named harry potter freak
Date: 08/23/06 18:58
Chapter: Chapter One

Very nice. I was interested to learn that Tom beats on his wife without the potion in the mornings. For some reason I always pictured him as a nice guy. He came across to me as someone who would never do that, but I think I like this version better. Now we know where Voldemort gets it from.

Author's Response: Doublt review?

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
Unexploded Bombs by Oregonian 1st-2nd Years
Dudley Dursley has just experienced the death of his elderly father Vernon from...
Ginny's Big Decision by dg04 1st-2nd Years
After Dumbledore's Funeral, Harry tells Ginny that they can't be together anymore...
Little Lions by SexY_LydZ 6th-7th Years
On a stormy October evening, a letter, a late night trip to the library and...
FEATURED
Going Against Salazar's Grain by hestiajones 1st-2nd Years
"Sometimes," said Dumbledore, "we sort too soon." Originally writtten for...
Whispers in the Night by lucca4 6th-7th Years
"Swear to me, Cissy. Swear you won't tell." It's a secret, and it haunts...
Fear and Loathing in Florida (Mostly Loathing) by minnabird 3rd-5th Years
Scabior and Greyback had to escape the Aurors somehow - they just hadn't expected...
Just Before Healing by WeasleyMom 3rd-5th Years
With Hannah, things always go to yellow.
In Bloom by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 3rd-5th Years
It figures that he ignores the other side of roses. Thorns fit to draw blood...
Magical by Nagini Riddle 1st-2nd Years
Ginny and her brothers sneak down the stairs to look at presents, but instead...
CATEGORIES