*dies* PERFECTION. ABSOLUTE PERFECTION AND EXCELLENCE. YAY! Ooo, I loved the kiss. Wonderful. Beautiful. *fangirl sqeal*
Author's Response: *SQUEEEE* Thank you! Thank you!!!
You are correct, in the books the girls wear robes, however, the movie has the girls in regular muggle attire.
Plus, I loved the dresses you described too! It would of been a shame not to include them!
And this is a wonderful story! I should be working, instead I read your story. I could not stop reading it. Wonderful job! I look forward to more chapters!
Author's Response: I found out about the robe thing after I had written the chapter, that's why I left it as it is. I would've been sad to see all of the pretty dresses go. Thanks for the review!
So, I’ve been an awful reviewer. You’ll have to excuse me for enjoying the story so much. I thought it was quite mean that you ended it like that… but of course, there I the next chapter and the awkward aftermath to look forward to! Other than my own personal rooting for Ariel situation, I thought the way you ended it with the thoughts was especially good! For once I’m reviewing at the end of the chapter, so I can have a look at everything as it comes to me in my mind.
First off, your characterization is just getting better and better! I’m really enjoying Nessa’s character. She’s so.. argh. And real. I love your characters because they deal with so many things that real life people deal with. Like, the situation of being gay. I love how you just make it seem so normal. And by including the teasing you’ve made Hogwarts real. It’s not a place where people are immune from teasing and prejudice. People are knocked about their parentage day in day out there, why should your sexuality be treated any differently?
That dammed pimple! It was causing me so much stress I was about to give it a name. I just thought I’d tell you that I giggled madly with this. Like, insane, knowing giggles. And then bloody Ivy’s comment. I was growling, but saved this quote to giggle at it again. The worst part is, when you know that they’re there.. you just keep touching them unconsciously.
I was impressed at the long sentence I put together in my nervous state. I rather was, too! The incoherency of lust/love is really starting to get boring, so I loved how Ariel was able to blurt out something intelligent sounding! Girls dribbling all over themselves with lots of hyphens and cut of words that make them sound like a failed actor are seen so often, this is a refreshing change.
As our tongues played with each other, our lips massaged, and I let my hand brush his silky hair. Um. Harald. GUH.
I find it hard to comment on this chapter individually, because by reading the story all in one sitting, I’ve gotten to know the characters all at once, and it’s fantastic. I love the development of your writing too; I was talking to Lys and really, it has grown so much better. The imagery, the description and the mannerisms of the characters are all just so believable and unique to each character. It really is amazing to see what a few little things can add to something. Sort of… like Golpalott's third law, where the antidote to the problem makes the story seem fuller and it seems to burst with life.
Author's Response: What are you talking about?? You're not an awful reviwer ar all!!!! In fact you're amazing!! You've reviwed three times already! (I'll stop using exclamations points now). You have no idea of how happy you make me when you say that my characterization is improving. SQUEEEE It is my absoloutley favorite part of writing, so I'm really glad it shows. hehe I felt the need to include the pimple. I mean, who hasn't been there? God knows I had my awful face with pimples. "Girls dribbling all over themselves with lots of hyphens and cut of words that make them sound like a failed actor are seen so often" I laughed so much when I read this, and you're right. Thank you so much for the beautiful review! Really, you've made my day.
can't get enough!!
Author's Response: I'm glad :D
lol oops sry for the double post, i thought the first one didn't go through. damn my stoneage computer!
Author's Response: LOL, don't worry.
Bam. In comes the first sentence and I’ve already headed off to the word document to tell you how gripping it is. That’s really very unprofessional of me, but I thought you’d like to know what an impression - It was very cold; I couldn’t feel my fingers or my face and my toes were buried in the black sand. I didn’t know how I got there, but strangely I didn’t care. - made on me. It’s eerie, and I really like the present tense, it’s very fresh.
A small word of caution – number are generally spelled out manually. So, 9 am would become nine o’clock or nine in the morning. And it’s the same for further down where you mention time, this time in digital format.
I like the withholding of the gender of Ariel. The first time I heard of the story, I was like, ‘As in the mermaid from Disney?’ I like the way you twist people’s perceptions. It sounds like it’s going to be a simple crush on Christian, a hetero one, and then BAM again, Ariel is gay! Fantastic – he’s human right from the start. I particularly like the grumbling morning dialogue, which is very believable considering the early start.
We had the same hair, but hers was long to the shoulders, she was skinny and had very delicate features. This sentence is a little run-on, like you’ve just attached the little detail of her feature onto the end. I’d suggest ending the sentence after ‘shoulders’ but that would make the latter half seem a little choppy. Perhaps you could work something out and elaborate on her facial features, which betray emotions quite well.
Vanessa is a small girl but what she lacked in height she made up with her mouth I change this to ‘lacks’ to keep with the tense. But other than this and those mentioned above, I really didn’t find any errors, just the hunger to read a new story before I totally flop onto my bed in complete tiredness. I can’t wait to read the rest of this, because that line of dialogue at the bottom makes me shiver with anticipation. It gives you a time frame for the story, and also the giddy expectation - The Tournament at Hogwarts!
Author's Response: WOOOOT! I can't believe Steph is reviewing Ariel!! I'm very happy right now. I like the word "Bam". I like how you relate it to the story, and I like that's what it made you feel. It's a good word, I think. I'm going to start using it. I now know the thing with the numbers. You have to keep in mind that this chapter was written a looooong time ago and my writing has improved greatly since then. Thanks for pointing out the mistakes. You're a very careful reader. You've noticed mistakes that nobody else has. Thanks so much for the review, Honey!!!
btw you are an amazing author, this story is the best!!!!
Author's Response: *SQUEEEE* Thank you!
YAY!!! i have been waiting too long for that to happen. i'm so glad they finally kissed!!!
Author's Response: YAY!!! Yes, I know it was a long wait. Thanks for the review.
wow that was one long-ass-Yuletastic-Bahir-kissin slice of a story! this story is amazing, i love it. i love how realistic your characters are! they're so multi-dimensional, you really have the inner workings of human intentions down my friend. and the DRESSES! you have a gift, even the evil physco hoe bitch was dressed well, and Bahir sounded muy guapo tambien.
let me just say, you've outdone yourself. ;D
Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
wow that was one long-ass-Yuletastic-Bahir-kissin slice of a story! this story is amazing, i love it. i love how realistic your characters are! they're so multi-dimensional!1!!! and the DRESSES! you have a gift, even the evil physco hoe bitch was dressed well, and Bahir sounded muy guapo tambien.
let me just say, you've outdone yourself haha.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the kind words!!! You make me blush. Yay!! I've outdone myself!! WOOOT. Thanks for the review!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMAZING!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!! You were so not kidding when you said it was good and long. I emphasize the word good. I was on the computer at 5:30 this morning. I saw that Ariel was updated, and I ran through my house to get at the printer. I was worried I wouldn't finish reading before I had to leave for school, so I printed first. Have I mentioned that it's AMAZING? I think I've mentioned that about a bagillion times each chapter (it's a rough estimate) Now, shall we start moving through the chapter and commenting on absolutely everything I feel the need to? Yesh, I think I should.
the morning of the Yule Ball I woke up with a huge pimple on my forehead. Haven't you heard?? Pimples are a new fashion statement. All the rage. Only the coolest of the cool get them. I have more to say, but I'll wait 'till later.
they all declined, even the ugly ones. Awwwww.... Johnny boy, I'll go with you!!! I just love John. He's awesome.
“Why the long face?” *pictures John standing in front of a fun house mirror with a long face* actually, I didn't picture that until the second time i read the story...
When John told Ariel that he was his mate, my very first though was soul mate and I was like, NOOOOOO!!!! Ariel is meant for Bahir! I though John was straight! but then I read the next line and it all made sense again.
*takes deep breath* I have... a nitpick!!! dun dun dun... “I’m not asking you out!” I clarified, losing my patience. it seems like Ariel loses his patience rather quickly, especially since Johnny boy is his friend. i think that it would sound better if he lost his patience when he 'spat' at John that time... you know the one... yah...
Oh, I'd like to offer Ariel some of my coverup *or pancake as my dad calls it *eyerolls** that coverup works better than long hair AND magic.
Awwwwwwww. Poor Ariel... Christian and Nessa is a sad thought for Ariel. I think he needs a hug. *hugs* Better? Not so much...
I was really looking forward to seeing him in dress robes. I was sure he would look very handsome. Oh! I agree 100%. Most definately. Bahir in dress robes it tres schmexy. *sexy with extra letters for effect*
Oh! another small mistake... fight back my gagging, reflexes Nessa the comma needs to be moved over one word to the right.
What could have happened in the last four hours that made it impossible for him to come?” I have a theory. It's a really good one... okay, are you ready? So he didn't really get injured during Quidditch. He's actually sitting up in his room with all the lights off and he's depressed to the max.He's realized that he can't live without Ariel, but he knows that Bahir is absolutely head over heels in love with Ariel too... and Christian is worried because he knows that if he had a WWF Smackdown with Bahir, he'd get his pretty butt kicked and he just simply couldn't bear to see Ariel and not be able to shag him right then. SO the only reason he was going with Nessa was to get to Ariel, but since he realized his inability to be with him, he stayed in his dorm all depressed-like. I now I'm right. No need to argue. :)
Good job, Nessa... you know Ivy was walking away scared... the comment on Ariel's pimple was just made out of fear.
Hahaha... I can totally picture Nessa and Ariel getting whooped by the Whomping Willow.
She looked like she didn’t know what to do with the red cape, to wear it or hide it. She was already wearing the cape. it says so.
Clemence is a bum. Puhleeze... too cold out for you?? Get a life. go get your own little miss perfect.
I felt the smile spreading across my face when Bahir came close. He was smiling too. It's love at sixty-bagillionth sight, I swear. My evidence? : Bahir turned around and said, “Please, don’t take long.” AWWWWWWWW Ariel/Bahir is LOVE!
I cursed the person who had come up with the spell to make rooms bigger. hahhahaha... perfect. I love it.
The irony of the whole situation didn’t escape me while I was in there - gay boy in the closet. This is another one. a perfect line.
hehehe... i think that Jaqueline is adorable with all of her stuff. though admittedly, I would be muy frustratedto be stuck picking out dresses for miss perfection.Though i can totally understand her perfume collection. There's loads of it in my room. LOADS.
*facepalm* break a stiletto???!?!?! Crimity. get a life, much??
Ariel!!! Dance with him, you fool!!!!! He's danced with a frickin' curtain for goodness sakes, I think it's safe to say you're not worse than a peice of cloth.
OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE!!!! Ariel/Bahir are kissing!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!! I squeaked out loud when I read it and my dog started barking at me like crazy.I told him to shut up because he was so ruining the moment. Bahir is so creative. So tecknically, You're majorly amazingly creative.but you already knew that. I can't believe that they're actually kissing!!! Now the only thing I have to worry about is the fact that it's too... perfect? I was talking to G and we decided that if Bahir ever hurts my Ariel, she and I are going to kick his little tree-burning ass all the way to wazoo and back.
Harald, though I saw that you don't like it when you're told you've out-done yourself, there's no other way to say it. When you write a chapter where my dream ship floats, then I'm going to be forced to say it. You've outdone yourself. You have the ability to make your characters so real. The fact that even Ariel Sachs can get a pimple is perfect. the fact that e can't fix it is even better... the fact that Bahir doesn't care is amazing.
I have been finding people in my school that are the characters from AatTC and I found the perfect Bahir today. I feel like walking up to him and asking if he's ever felt the need to snog the guy in my physics class that looks like Ariel. Oh, and I've been meaning to tell you... out of all the billions of banners that you have for AatTC, I like the first one the best... the one with Sean as Christian.
Speaking of Christian... you know how everyone is supposed to see him as a big jerk now *because he is*? Well... I don't I still love him. i just can't hate a guy who I picture Sean Faris each time I see his name. Could you??
I absolutely cannot wait until the next chapter is up. Until then, I guess I'll just have to read this one over and over again. I've practically memorized the last page that printed. That starts right where Bahir whips out the miseltoe. i see that page and I start smiling like mad, you know... all day long, people were asking me why I was smiling. I ignored them and read the page again and again. Brilliant, Harald. Can I say that enough? I don't think so. Fabulousness, Harald, that's what this story is.
~This has been another review by Gabby... even though it wasn't the 200th review.
YAY!!!!! ARIEL/BAHIR DREAMY MAN OF MYSTERY WHO LACKS A LAST NAME
Author's Response: OMG!!!! Can I just say that I love your reviews? Yes, I can. I love your reviews! I'm sorry I made you run through your house at 5:30 am in look for a printer. lol I can image the siuation in my head. Are pimples the new fashion statement? Really? I had no idea. I better go and get one right now. I hadn't related the word "mate" with "soulmate". I hadn't realized they both use the same word. *ponders* That's a really interesting theory you got going for Christian there, but I won't make any comments. I don't want to accidentally spill the beans. I also have a collection of perfumes, they're not too many, but it's my little collection, that's where I took the idea for Jacqueline. I knew you were going to be happy with the kiss. :D You think it's too perfect? hmmmm, maybe. I won't say anything. Wuahahahaha. You like the first banner the best? I guess that's a special banner, but I like the one I have now better. Don't worry I will change it soon enough. Ariel banners never last too long. It was my master plan to make everyone think that Christian was a jerk. Obviously you didn't fall for it. Thanks so fraking much for the uber fantastic review!!!!
Finally! Please update soon! I'm totally in love this story!
Author's Response: Thanks!
Finally! Please update soon! I'm totally in love this story!
Author's Response: I'lll try! Thanks for the review!
*GASP* I've been waiting for that to happen since...um...FOREVER! I love them together. They're just so cute! lol
I like how you had Ariel say no when Bahir asked him to dance. Just because Ariel is gay, doesn't mean that he doesn't have his moments. He's still a teenager that has awkward and embarassing moments concerning relationships. You showed that perfectly. I love this story. Definitely one of the best stories on MNFF. Can't wait for the next chapter!
[[ I'll keep reading unitl you stop writing . xx . vicky ]]
PS >> These lines had me laughing for like ten minutes!
" “You want to be my date?” he asked. “Ariel, you’re my mate…and a nice bloke, but I’m not…”
“I’m not asking you out!” I clarified, losing my patience. “I was just trying to tell you that I’m going to make sure that you don’t get bored!”
He shot me another strange look.
“Not in that sense, John!” I spat. "
" “He’s right!” added John. “I wish you could look like this every day.” "
There's really not a specific quote for this, because the scene is too long, but I loved the part in the Beauxbatons carriage with Ariel and Jacqueline. It was fantastic; absolutely hysterical.
Author's Response: I know people have been waiting this chapter forever, and to tell you the truth so have I. My beta had a couple of problems and it took her longer to send me the chapter back, but don't worry I don't think it will happen again. I couldn't have Ariel dancing with Bahir in front of the whole school so early on in the story, he had to say no! I'm glad you liked the scene between Ariel and John, I had fun writing it. Thanks so much for the review!!!
OMG! I loved it! *squee* I loved it! I was tottally awesome! They finally kissed! *squee* I loved it!
Author's Response: *SQUEEE* I love that you loved it! Thanks for the review!!
At the end of this chapter, I pretty much combusted. I was screaming and waving my arms wildly and the works. I like all the little things and details you included. I also think I see a bit of foreshadowing, with things such as Christian and maybe a possible friendship with Jacqueline. I'm a big fan and I can't wait until the next chapter!!
Author's Response: I got scared when I read the word "combusted" but then I understood what was what you were trying to say and I huge smile spread across my face. Let me tell you that you're not completely far off with the foreshadowing things. I'll leave it at that. Thanks so much for the review!
Wow, very eventful chapter! It was very well put together and the detail of the ball and events leading up to it are fantastic. I especially loved the part where you described clowns as lunatics! And then Ariel goes and gets his first kiss from Bahir! I tell you I really wasn't expecting that at all, but what a wonderful turn this story has taken! I did feel sorry for Ornella though, not being able to keep up with the dance and hten breaking her shoe. Poor gal. At least Borislav was able to chee her up though. :)
There were a couple of minor things you might not have noticed while writing (a shortcoming I'm very familiar with myself, lol). Towards the beginning of the story you left out the word the in "I’m going to be [the] laughing stock of Hogwarts!” Also at the end where Bahir is coming to talk to Ariel, you say his "heart is raising" but I think you mean "racing".
Other than that this is a terrific chapter and a credit to your writing abilities! Keep up the good work and I look forward to the next installment.
Author's Response: Yes, I know the chapter was a bit long, but I didn't feel like cutting it into two parts because then it would've ruined the flow (or at least I think so). Thanks for pointing out the mistakes. I'll go and fix them (sometime). Thanks so much for the review. I'll go and review yours one of these days. :D
I love this chapter, this story, this author. You're awsome. Post more as soon as it's good enough.
Author's Response: WEEEEE, thank you. I'll try to update as soon as posible.
Well, firstly I would like me to say that this is not gonna be one of those huge reviews that some people do, but as my first post I thought your story deserve it, so let’s begin. Recently I realized the wonderful world of fanfiction and as the seven and last book of the Harry Potter Series approaches logically, or maybe not, my interest for this stories grows higher, specially the ones about alternate universe and I consider your story as part of this group, because your story doesn’t try to explode the universe of Rowling but expand it in a way that almost any story that I found do. Your story is so well structured that keep everyone who read it wanting for more, so I would like me to say that you keep your excellent work though you should do it quicker cause the readers, or at least me, are avid for more chapters. By the way I hope you understand my poor English. Congratulations for your amazing story from Luis.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review!! I don't mind if the reviews are long or short as long as they say something precise, and yours did. I hope you have a wonderful time in the world of fan fiction, and your English is not that bad. Again, thanks for the review! I'll try to update faster.
Oh god Harald, you've outdone yourself. Not only have you created the entire scene formed in my mind: I can literally see the Hall, the gowns and Bahir's sexy smirk in my head; I can tell you've put your heart into this. If you needed a career, literature and writing would be it. Nice long chapter too =]
“It’s quite ironic, really, that you have troubles finding a dancing partner when your father is a cha cha instructor.” Ivy sneered.
“Leave my father out of this!” snapped Nessa. I hadn’t seen her so furious in a long time. “If McGonagall wasn’t standing so close I’d kick your boney arse so hard you’d be the first bitch to land on the moon!”
Ivy’s green eyes widened for a second.
“It seemed I touched a nerve,” Ivy commented. Her faux compassion was more than enough to want to slap her. “Let’s get going. I don’t want to ruin my evening by chatting with these people.”
Sheesh, you've really got these characters down well. Nessa is this pretty flower with a temper sutied to her vivacious personality. Ivy is a straight out bitch that no one likes, she's the perfect Slytherin. Ariel, my God I love the boy, he's selfless and thoughtful and I'm so proud of him and Bahir. I hope you keep going with this.
Love your work. =p Legend.
Author's Response: Hey GeorgiE!!!!! :D *kidding* It scares me when people tell me that I've outdone myself because it means I have to do better next time and that's a scary thought. *shudders* Thank you so much for the lovely words, really you make me blush. Of course, I'm going to keep writing this story. I think you enjoye the cat fight. hehe. Thanks so much for the wonderful review!!!