Lovely! Very "catchy" beginning...I thought this was about a girl named Ariel at first, :). I was pleasantly surprised, however, when I discovered that Ariel was actually a boy. This made much more sense when he was comparing his (relatively identical) body to his mother's.
Author's Response: Well, in the summary it says that he's a boy and the story is under same-sex pairing so.... Thanks for the review!
Is Christian tryinng to make Ariel jealous
Author's Response: No I don't think so....
Another A-Mazing chapter by Purplemage!
I loved the interaction between Nessa and Jacqueline. Maybe Jacqueline and Ivy will start hanging out!
Opposite of Ariel, however, I'm dying to meet Mr. Wimund-- because it means the next chapter! Please update soon.
Author's Response: Jacqueline and Ivy together? That's very unlikely. You'll meet Mr. Wimund, but not in the next chapter. Thanks for the review! The next chapter is with the beta.
Hi! I'm back again, and, just like the last time I stopped by, I'm leaving a review. Once again, we zoom by and keep the plot going foward, which is really nice, like I've said before. I also like the new character, John Green, since I know people exactly like him. But don't we all? It's almost exactly like the person I know too. That's a little bit scary, in some sort of... weird way. *cough* Don't ask. My brain's apparently fried from the heat.
I think, after reading two chapters, that your biggest strength is characters and plot. The characters seem real, they seem like people you'd expect to be walking down the street, living down the road or at school/work. They're dialogue is also very good. For instance, this bit of dialogue was pretty funny: "“Don’t you think that is a bit mad?” I said carefully, not wanting to insult her. “After all, they’re just rumors.” Ornella looked a bit offended by my comment. “Yes,” Nessa answered, fixing her black wavy hair into a ponytail. “Madly brilliant!” She had a huge smile on her face." Way to tunr that dialogue around, that Nessa. I think I'm beginning to like her. And poor Ariel... he can't seem to win, can he? He tries to not offend Nessa, but ends up offending Ornella. Brilliant.
I noticed a few things that caught my eye that needs to be fixed. Otherwise known as the nitpicks of nitpick land, featuring the rollercoaster called the Mighty Nit-Pickerer. Yes. I'm babbling and being stupid. Why? I haven't exactly figured that out yet. Where was I? Oh, yes. First up: "“Eternal Glory,” Nessa whispered." "glory" doesn't need to be capitalised. "Ornella looked a bit disappointed, she obviously thought we would be thrilled with the news." I would add an "as" before "she". "Actually Nessa did most of the talking about some gorgeous Puerto Rican guy she met in Miami." You should take out "actually" since it is not needed. I was also very wary of reading that Nessa was in Miami, but you quickly made sense out of it, so my alarms were silenced. ;)
"We changed into our robes when we were getting close to Hogsmeade station, all of us in the same compartment, since I’m gay the girls don’t mind me while they’re changing." I stumbled really bad when reading this, and it took a few rereads to understand where you were coming from. I'd put a period behind station, capitalise all, put a were behind us, and after the comma, and a comma after gay. Got that? Good! Let's move on. "John didn’t have many friends, in fact I think we were the only ones who talked to him regularly, so he ended up sticking to us every once in a while." Take out the "in fact", put a period behind friends, and we're good on that sentence. :)
Now that my nitpicks of doom are over and done with, I may finally get back to adoring some of your well-chosen lines. One of them happens to be: "After all, she was a bit naïve and believed almost anything you told her. I once convinced her that Muggles still burned witches." This line is hysterical. Shows so much about her character, and is very funny at the same time. *heehee* I also ship Ariel/Christian now, even though Christian is setting off my "possible Gary-Stu" alarms. Oh well, we'll see how he shapes up in the future. :) I'm sure he's not one of those... dreaded... things. Good job!
Author's Response: I really enjoyed reading your review, their fantastic! I'm trying to give insightful reviews as well because I want to join SPEW. Hopefully someday they'll be as good as yours. It's funny you know someone like John Green because I based his personality on a guy I went to school with. The are lots of Johns in this world O.o. Creating characters is the part I enjoy the most about the writing process and writing dialogue as well. I'm very happy that you think I'm good at it. I know it's not very canon to have a character go to Miami, but believe me concidering Nessa's backdround and family it only makes sense that she goes there. Believe me Christian is not a Gary-Stu, I want you to believe he is one, but he isn't. Good to see a Ariel/Christian shipper ;) Thank you so much for your review!
ohh.... wow! you know, i have never ever been a big fan of slash, but this story.... wow! it's going on my favorites!
Author's Response: Yay!!!! Welcome to the dark side of slash fics Wuahahahah. No, I'm totally kidding. Thank you for adding me to your favorites and for the review XD!!!!
Sorry If I insulted you. I just say what I think at the time. This story is good and again sorry if I insulted you. I never menat for that to happen.
Author's Response: Well, your comment came rather harsh and it did hurt my feelings, but I accept your apologies. And I'm glad you enjoy my fic.
Aw..Ariel's mom calls him "sweetie". i dont know why, but i found that, well...sweet.
anyways. nice chapter. short, but still awsome! If it were me, i'd punch that Mr. Wimund in the face. Talking in third person only shows that you cant let any conversation get far away from you, if that makes sense. he must be conceded, which is a trait that I personaly can't stand. good job...keep updating!
Author's Response: Ariel's mum is very sweet, hehe. "Talking in third person only shows that you cant let any conversation get far away from you, if that makes sense" I hadn't thought about that, but I guess it makes sense. He's quite a character. Thanks for the review! and sorry the chapter was short.
Great chapter! Jacqueline absolutely fascinates me; she's very interesting. I loved the comment about Taylor's dad (Mr Wimund wants to know, lol). The letter was hilarious, and the detail about the front page of the magazine made me laugh out loud. I have a few friends who are obsessed with Gothic Lolita fashion, and that skinny Asian girl made me think of their hidious magazines (though there are some really nice dresses in there).
My mother was the Fashion Editor of ‘Glitter’, the most famous fashion magazine for witches.
Is there any wonder Ariel is gay? Lol, just kidding, but that did get me thinking. =P
As much humour as you manage to incorporate here, it confuses me that your humour fic was rejected... I'm looking forward to readinf it and sincerely hope I can help.
Author's Response: Jacqueline is a very interesting character! There's a lot more to her than meets the eye. Gothic Lolita Fashion? I think I know what you're talking about, but I'm not a 100% sure. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the idea of the magazine. Well, the humor I use in Ariel is diferent from the one I used in the other fic. This is more subtle and tasteful, the other one is more in your face kind of humor. Thanks for the review!
oh! Jaqceline is a Bitch!!!!. A new Ivy to add to the list huh?
Author's Response: She's not as bad as Ivy, trust me. Thanks for the review!
oh...cat fight! *sits and waits for the next one* No mystery guy? *is sad*
I like this one. From his mums letter I can see that Ariel's parents are interesting and funny.
I can't wait to read more!
Author's Response: I like cat fights too! lol, Don't worry, Bahir will come back the next chapter. ;) I'll try and update as soon as posible! Thanks for the review!
You know, I'm really itching to know who Ariel's mother is. You haven't said before, have you? Is it anyone we know? I liked her letter a lot - it seemed very real, asking him to write more, and the PS's between her and Ariel's father really made me giggle!
I also really enjoyed the part where Nessa was putting Jacqueline down, it was really natural (as a girl!), I'm guessing she did it as she was nervous about her opposition - and because that's what girls do! But it seemed so natural and funny! In fact, I really liked Nessa in all of this - her brazenness then her getting aggravated at John even though she was more in the wrong seemed so true to what we already know of her.
Gosh, I can't wait to see what happens in the first task now that there's even more rivalry between Nerssa and Jacqueline! "At that moment I made a mental note to myself to be more careful when we were making nasty comments about someone in particular. " That made me laugh! Not to stop saying mean comments about other people full stop - just not when they're around!
The example about Mr. Wimmund talking in third person made me laugh too - poor Ariel! The only concrit I can give isn't really concrit at all - just eagerness and a thought! As I thought that it ended quite abruptly. Honestly, I just didn't want it to end - what happens next?! Great chapter, keep it up!
Author's Response: *does the kiara just wrote me a review dance* No, that's true, I haven't said who Ariel's mother is, but she's not canon, she's an OC. There are other characters who have canon parents, but I'm not going to say who they are, wuahahaha. I enjoyed writing that letter a lot, hehe. I haven't thought about it, but girls do put down other girls quite a lot. Nessa reacts pretty much like that to everybody, I mean she just doesn't trust strangers. There are still a couple of things that are going to happen before the first task, so you'll have to wait a little, but don't worry it's coming soon. Mr. Wimund is a freak!!! he doesn't have a big role, he's just the reporter. As always, thanks for your magnificent review!
Okay, I had a sugar rush before reading this and now it's fastly deteriating. So now because fo my sugar rush I'm going to leave you a short pitiful review. Great chapter and update soon! Okay that was really pathetic.
Author's Response: It may have been pityful, but it was also original and it made me laugh. Thanks for the review!
can't wait for more!
Author's Response: Me neither!!! Thanks!
i am in love with your story...but seeing that 8th chapter there, and not being able to read it is just torture. good job though!
Author's Response: Thank you! Chapter 8 is taking forever to get validated, I don't know why! Thanks for the review!
Wow, this is a really good story! I also like all the small character quirks you put in, it makes your characters very believable. Also, the humor is great but not overdone or corney.
It's weird, though, because I know a guy named Ariel who's gay, but he's much different than your character, so that's good. I thought I would get confused between the two of them. I'm suprised you used the name Ariel, because to use that as a guy's name is a very Israeli thing to do. Actually, the guy I know goes by Ari because of that.
Very good! Waiting for more...
Author's Response: One of the parts I enjoy the most about writing is characterization. I really like puting quirks here and there, so I'm happy it shows. It's nice to know there's another Ariel in the world, I'm not that far off from reality hehe. You're the second person that tells me that you're surprised because I used that name, I don't know why, I know it's uncommon, but I've always thought it was beautiful, especially for a guy. Thanks for the review!
Black birds flew across the dark desert.
This, I believe, is one of the single best starting lines that I have seen in my many moons of reading fanfiction. At first, it doesn't seem significant; however, after rereading over it, the audience realizes what a stark difference that is from what the actual chapter is about -- Ariel. It also sets off a nice dream sequence, which no fic can simply not have. ;) It was mysterious and intriguing. Since this is the first time I've read this fic, I have no idea whether this dream shows up again or not. Which I hope it does, since it's so good.
The premise of the story is very promising. How often does one get to read about a gay wizard living through the Triwizard Cup 23 years after the previous one? Not very often, I can say, so originality is a huge plus for this fic. I also am in love with the pacing. Quick, to the point, and off we go! Since most fics I read have a pretty slow pace, this was a breath of fresh air. The only thing that I felt was too rushed was when Ornella came in and told Nessa and Ariel about the Triwizard Cup being held at Hogwarts that year. I felt like there should have been a bit more story before they found out, but that's just my personal opinion.
No review can be a proper review without its fair share of nitpicks, right? It's mmy least favourite part about the whole reviewing thing, but otherwise it wouldn't seem like a true review to me. So, onwards!
"I could see a tree far a way, a dead tree, which the birds started flying around." "a way" should be "away". Unless that's my Americanisms talking. "This was the first time he talked to me; he had a hypnotizing voice, but at the same time charming." The first part is fine, but the second part needs a little adjustment. I'd suggest: "...he had a voice that hypnotized as well as charmed." "I also remember every detail of my first day, the first time I rode the Hogwarts express, the first time I ate in the Great Hall, how I got sorted into Gryffindor…" I like this sentence, as it tells that he's in Gryffindor [and maybe a tad nostalgic at times?], but it needs a bit of rearranging as well. I'd put a period after "first day", and make the rest of the sentence, well, a seperate sentence.
That was a lengthy paragraph, so I'm going to seperate my nitpicks into two. :) "“Don’t you think that’s too much cholesterol?” said my father as he walked into the kitchen holding a newspaper. He was a tall man with grey hair, who kept himself fit jogging every morning. My father is a heart surgeon, which is why he jogs and is so worried about cholesterol." Although I didn't show it in the review, this little bit has a formatting error. I don't know whether you want to make that into a seperate line or use it as a part of the paragraph, so I won't take a guess. "“Sweetheart.” My mum kissed him. “He’s just seventeen,” she said with a smile." Instead of a period after "sweetheart", have a comma, and make the "He's" in the second bit of dialogue "he's". "“Hi Dad.” I smiled and he patted my head" That sentence needs a period. :)
Wonderfully creative storyline, and very intriguing. I'll be reading the rest of your fic until it's finished. Good job!
Author's Response: Wow, I think this is the first review I receive from a Mod. *Bows* I'm very happy that you liked the dream, I had to rewrite it many times until I was happy with it. The dream as such won't repeat itself, but they'll be a lot of talk about it and there will be other dreams like it *spoiler*. I really don't concider the story to be fast paced, I mean, I'm still introducing characters on chapter eight! It's a rather large introduction hehe. When I started writing it, I thought there would be a lot of other people writing about the Triwizard Tournament, but then I found out there weren't so many out there. I think it is important for Ariel to be a bit nostalgic, there are so many seventh year fics out there, but not many seem to care that it is the last year. Hogwarts is a second home to its students, the thing that makes the most sense to me is for them to be nostalgic on their last year. Thank you so much for your fantastic review! I hope you enjoy the story!
Ohh! new chappie! and with more info about this Beuxbaton's student... and more of Ariel!!! yay! I absolutely love him! haha
Author's Response: Yay! It got validated!!! Ariel loves you too! xoxo Thanks for the review!
Wow! I like how the announcing of the champions was like a suprise! I didn't see those ones coming. Oooh I wonder whether or not Bahir is gay...and whether Ariel will turn Christian gay. Threesome? Haha, probably not...
Author's Response: Threesome?? That's an interesting proposal, haha. Was it really a surprise? I thought it was rather obvious, oh well. Thanks for the review!
OMG, this is brilliant! I love Nessa, she's awesome! And Bahir sounds delectable... I'm hungry now, lol.
I think it's aboslutely perfect.
Also, what does duchamps have to do with anything?
Author's Response: Delectable, that's a good way to describe Bahir. Yes, Nessa is pretty awesome. You'll have to wait for the next chapter to find out if Duchamps has to do with anything. Thanks for the review!
Yay!!! I was so nervous when they announced it - at first I was like, "No! Who's Vanessa! It should be Nessa!" But then I realised it was Nessa! Yay! Well done for Nessa! I did feel bad for Ariel though - I hope he doesn't lose her - literally or figuratively.
Wow! Ariel got to meet Dream Boy - and he has a name! And - ooh, he recognised Ariel! Did he have that dream too? Wouldn't that be spooky! Ha ha - I liked the fact that Ivy wouldn't let anyone else enter! It's another one of those small character traits of your that I love, much like when you say, "Nessa never finished her plate because the food was making her sick. It was from the nerves, though she would never admit it. "
You know, I'd like to see more of Borislav - I know you said we wouldn't find out who his mother is, but is it anyone we know? Or just some random Bulgarian witch?! But he seems like an interesting character - more so than his father, any way!
Hmm, why is Jacqueline's name familiar? It made me laugh when Ariel was preparing his 'bad luck' speech for Nessa! Aw, that last line was so sweet - bless Ariel! I really hope it doesn't come true! (Update soon so we can find out whether it does or not!)
Author's Response: I have been waiting for your review! Lol, that was funny the Vanessa/Nessa confusion. Yes, Ariel met Bahir finally! I can stop typing Dream-boy! Did he have the dream too? We'll just wait and see... I love to write those little traits here and there, I'm very happy to see somone apretiates it. Don't worry that we'll figure out who Borislav, it's a big compliment when you say that he's more interesting than Viktor, thanks. You'll find out why Jacqueline's name was familiar in the next chapter. ;) Thank you!