I like how you keep the reader in suspense. It is very good. you have a great sturdy foundation.
Author's Response: Thanks again, it means a lot to me that people review every chapter.
very interesting. I like it. It has a good beggining. Very intruiging.
Author's Response: Thanks, it's always nice to get new readers.
...and that's when stupid me remembers this is a series.
Author's Response: I don't know what you people would do if I didn't continue this. It keeps me up some nights.... just joking, sorry, I'm a bit hyper. I've just submitted the next chapter to Into The Light so hopefully it will be up soon.
AAAAHHH WHY DOES IT END LIKE THIS???
Author's Response: Heehee I love when people do that...
ahhh.crazy.i shall go read the sequel.
Author's Response: Good I hope you enjoy as much. Pleaes review and tell me what you think
That was really good! Is there going to be a sequel?
Author's Response: Yep Into the Light is now posted though I don't know what page it's on, I haven't updated in so long *hangs head in shame* don't worry though I'm back again!
haha....malfoy is kinda funni...
Author's Response: Thanks I'm glad you enjoyed it
why does it kinda leave off there at the end? wat happens next?!!! I WANNA NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -it was a great story by the way!
Author's Response: Oh just because I looooove evil cliffhangers! But don't worry; I'm not so mean that I won't post that next story. It's called Into The Light and has been posted already
Hey … back again!
Wow. What a chapter! I remember reading this one! Mmm. It was good the first time … and good the second time!
But reading it again, I was reminded that I had thought Hermione horribly out of character in this chapter. Sorry. I just had a really hard time picturing her breaking out sobbing all of a sudden. It seemed too melodramatic. Hermione, for the most part, seems really in control of her feelings. I DO remember her crying three times in canon. First, when Ron says something mean about her in Philosopher's Stone. The second time, she bursts into tears when Ron and Harry make up in Goblet of Fire. And then, of course, she cries at Dumbledore's funeral in Half-Blood Prince. Those are the only times I remember.
So, when she's one minute calling for Ron, and the next she's collapsing on the ground sobbing … it just seemed a bit much. I don't think anyone would react that quickly. It seemed unrealistic. And then later, when she starts crying when talking to Harry, you did a much better job of leading into her tears. That worked much, much better! But even then, I can't see her suddenly collapsing on the table. And tears don't form huge pools. They just don't – nobody cries enough to from puddles. I'd seriously consider fixing those two places. They detract from the beauty of the rest of the chapter in a major way! Which is a shame, because the rest of your story is fantastic!
Okay. That's over. *phew* I hate being critical, but I had to let you know about those things. Sorry! Now for the nicer stuff!
I love love love the way Hermione talks to Malfoy while he's unconscious. That is a fabulous idea and plot device. She almost uses Malfoy as her diary, doesn't she? I'm looking forward to reading the next few chapters because I remember that she keeps doing it, but I can't remember exactly what she says.
It's interesting that she goes to Malfoy … not for comfort exactly, but she goes to his room when she's hurting. Did you do that on purpose? Again, that's just so smart! It seems to be foreshadowing something. Maybe … she'll turn to him for comfort once he wakes up?
I also liked that Hermione, even in her pain, wants to make sure that Harry is okay. She's always thinking of others first, not even blaming Ron for what happened. That is certainly in character for her! I can also really relate to Hermione in several places. The blaming yourself, the reading when in pain, and the negative self-talk all rings true for me. Those three behaviours are real reactions for people to do, and it's great that you noticed that and added it into your story.
So, while I didn't like Hermione's behaviour in some places, it really resonated with me in others. Not bad! It's hard to get crying, emotional scenes right. You did a fine job here. And now … off to read chapter four!
Author's Response: Thank God, something critical at last. I was beginnig to think the world had gone blind. Only joking, but thank you anyways. Yes, I totally agree with you that the heartbreak scene was completely over the top and way too melodramatic. But I do think all beginner writers are entitled to one scene where their character breaks down and crys in the middle of the road, not really noticing all the stones and gravel and muck around her. :-) anyway I will go back immediately and re write that part. Thanks very much for pointing it out. Can't wait for your next review. Thanks and bye! ;-)
Hi, lunar! Back again …
This is a fabulous second chapter! You kept the pace moving along nicely, and you revealed new information. And you added significantly to the intrigue! What a great idea – to make Hermione tend to an unconscious Draco. That is great on so many levels! Not only is it something that neither would really submit to willingly, but it will humble Hermione especially. And if Draco ever finds out that a Mudblood helped save his life! I can't wait to see his reaction to that! The chapter was a little shorter than chapter one, and while I love longer chapters, I didn't feel like there was anything missing here. Ginny found out about Malfoy, and you've brought Hermione and Draco "together." Very nice.
Some favourite lines:
The walls were still covered with Chudley Cannons wallpaper (though Ron had given up on them months ago) which clashed horribly with the new violently pink curtains.
Wow. Such a great mental image! *shudders* That's a great detail. We don't really need to know that, but it sets up the scene where Draco and Hermione will spend a lot of time. Very nice.
She couldn’t get over seeing Malfoy without a sneer on his face.
*sigh* Lovely! That is almost the key to the whole story, isn't it? That Hermione will start to see Draco differently.
I also loved the opening paragraph. It's very disjointed, and it gives us a brief little glimpse into Draco's head. Nice device! *rhymes*
There were hardly any errors in this chapter, so kudos to you! I did find a couple, though.
“Yes, with us. He’s unconscious at the moment, and he hasn’t shown any signs of life yet, but when he wakes up, I expect you all to behave yourselves,” Mrs Weasley said, looking at them sternly as she waved her wand and the dishes began to dry themselves.
In that line of dialogue, there are three or four places where you need a comma. I've added them in – hopefully you'll notice where! And then there's an extra space in this sentence, between the first quote mark and the first letter of the sentence.
“ Malfoy? As in the Draco Malfoy that went to Hogwarts?”
There's also a large break between two paragraphs near the end of the chapter, but the spacing in this chapter was a great improvement to the first chapter. It didn't hurt my eyes!
Great job on this second chapter, lunar! I'm really getting into the story. Everyone was in character in this chapter. I liked that you had Mrs Weasley with food again – in the first chapter, she made cocoa, and in this one, she's cooking breakfast, and then she makes tea. That's a nice association! And Ginny was great – demanding to know what was going on – good work! I loved reading about Manken in this chapter, as well. Good job on creating an OC! I'm off to read chapter three now!
Author's Response: It is so nice to come to look at my reviews and find you've left another one. Thank you! I will go back to fix those commas now, and of course I can see where they are *chuckles desperately and calls for mooncalf to help* Only joking, though I am hopeless with commas. Thanks once again for pointing out all those mistakes (usually I only get mooncalf telling me, so it is nice to have another voice around here) Thanks again for the review! Bye :-)
Hi! I posted in your Duelling Club thread a while back, and I realised that I had never left you a review for your story! So … here I am.
Let me say again how much I enjoy this fic. You write very well. Before I say anything else, though, I’d like to point out the formatting error in this chapter. There are excessive spaces between each paragraph. I know from experience that this is a tricky thing to avoid whenever you edit the chapter, since it automatically adds in those html tags, but I have a suggestion. Before you start editing, copy and paste the whole chapter into a word processor like MS Word. Do your edits there, and then copy and paste the whole story back onto the site. It’s a pain, but it saves a lot of trouble. Sorry for making such a big deal out of this, but it’s really distracting when reading, and this is so good, I didn’t want to be distracted!
Okay. That’s over!
The first thing I noticed was how similar the beginning of this story is to one that I had begun to write – only for me, it was Ginny, not Hermione. What are the odds? I may have to go back and work on that … Besides, you do it so much better!
I love this line – “their faces shining with fear and sweat.” It’s an unusual pairing of words, but it’s very effective. It sets up the tone of the piece marvellously, and it instantly lets us as the readers know that Harry and Ron have been up to something dangerous.
You’ve captured the characters of everyone beautifully – Mrs Weasley bustling to make cocoa, Hermione nagging and asking questions, Mr Weasley being tired and calm, McGonagall giving sharp looks and acting brisk and brusk. All those little details add to the believability of the story and give the readers images and quirks to work with. Good job! And you’ve also managed to add in an OC! Healer Manken is fabulous. I’m dying to know what his story is, and what makes him act that way. And why they trust him so implicitly! I can’t recall if we find out, so I’ll keep an eye out for that while I re-read this!
Obviously, this is Hermione/Draco, but I am so glad that you didn’t skip over the canonicity of Ron and Hermione’s relationship. Thank you so much for that! You don’t say very much about the problems they’ve faced, but what little you do say speaks volumes. Especially this line – “They kept fighting over really small, unimportant things and usually ended up not speaking to each other for weeks at a time.” That is so true! It happened all the time before they got together. Why should it all of a sudden stop just because they can snog each other? Good job picking that up and bringing it in here. It’s a very believable reason for their relationship to fail.
I was going to mention something about how there are no Americanisms, but then I realised that you live in Ireland. Silly me. And I’m so jealous that you had the wonderful mooncalf to help you out! That must be so nice. I wish I had a sibling to share my HP love like that.
I’m off to read the next chapter! Isn’t it amazing that you can read something once and still come back to it later and find it completely new? Good luck writing the sequel!
Knight of the Turnip Table
Author's Response: Hi Abigail. Wow, I don't think I've ever read such a fantastic review! And so positive; thank you! You know, I haven't actually read over the chapters I've submitted in ages, so I'll go back now and change the formatting. Thanks for pointing it out. :-) Well, I'm glad you liked the story. I must tell you before you get your hopes up too much, that Ian Manken isn't actually a hugely developed character. That's actually interesting though; I never thought of him having a background. Can't you see what a brilliant writer I am? ;-) Anyways thanks again for the review. ps. Yes having a sibling on Mugglenet is wonderful. Good thing mooncalf is so well known! Thanks again!
DAMNIT I really want to know now what happens. are you serious when you say its the end? Please tell me this is a cruel joke.
Author's Response: No, I'm afraid not. But my life is just rather pathetic and boring these days so the only thing that cheers me up is coming to this computer and finding that my hysterical reviewers have left another note telling me how evil, cruel and awful I am. Which is why I felt I had to keep you in suspense and started the sequel; 'INTO THE LIGHT' is now posted. Enjoy! ; )
the end?!?! OMG why?!?! please say there's a sequel!!!!! is it?? please say yes! the story was so great! im kinda a... picky reader but i loved this story so much! great job and keep up with the great work! ^.^
Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review. I'm very gratified that you liked my story and though Out of the Darkness is finished the sequel, Into the Light, is now posted.
is that all?
Author's Response: Yes unfortunately but the Darkness of Light trilogy continues with the sequel INTO THE LIGHT which is now posted.
CLiffe ending?! How awesome! Even though it drives me mad....
Author's Response: Hey Wizardlicious, thanks for reviewing. I'm glad you liked the ending; so did I. The second story is now posted so feel free to read and review to tell me what you thought.
end?!? END! *cries* It can't be the end. Are you going to write more to this? Please tell me you are? Anyways though, this is a fantastic story, not very much of it was OOC and at some points, the things going through Draco's mind was extreamly funny. Nice work.
Author's Response: Thanks cammi. Yes I'm afraid it is the end but the sequel, INTO THE LIGHT, is now posted. Everybody go read it!!!
thats not the end of the story is it?i really like it.please keep on writing more chapters!
Author's Response: No not the end, thank God. The sequel is called Into the Light and it has two chapters up so far. Please go read!
the only thing i don't like is the fact that hermione seems to cry too much.
but anyways, wat happens next?
Author's Response: Hermione is going through an emotional time at the moment so she is crying a lot. Thanks for pointing it out, though, I'll have to watch out for it in the next story. :)
what the--?is there a sequal to this?
Author's Response: Yes Into The Light has begun :)
GAHHHH!!!!!! Cliffy! darn, and I was just about to go to sleep. now, i can't, becasuse NOW I have to read the sequel, or else I'll never be able to sleep! you're evil, you know that? Yep, you're an evil authoress that deserves to die...but not until you finish!
Author's Response: Thanks mudblood_princess, I really em, appreciate, those comments! (except for the last couple of ones!)