Oooo! More, please! :)
Oooo! More, please! :)
Dun Dun Dun.....isn't that just ironic!
Kind of short, but meh, well written and I am quite glad you did update!
Keep On Writing;)
Oh, you are so cruel, Mask! How you have set this up to confuse poor little Remus into thinking his mum has sent the real monster to help him is just heartless, and very well done. You have just set that up, right? She isn’t really abandoning him? Please…because I absolutely couldn’t bear that. Remus’ confusion and fear is so realistic; he is a little boy and I really get a sense of that. And I loathe that healer! Almost as much as Greyback…his manipulation is just evil. I desperately want Mrs. Lupin to come back in, have the beast arrested, and take dear sweet Remus home and love him forever. *sighs* I love/hate the Remus AU! It is perfect torture you know. Please update soon. lol *starts poking right away*
I heart this fic!
It truely is quite amazing!
Keep On Writing;)
Am i right in thinking Remus has just been bitten by the werewolf, and he's remebering it from a flashback?
Rats, Mask. I've messed up your reviews by leaving out a stupid formatting tag. So let me add another thing I love about this chapter to make up for it. Well done on the werewolf. I love that description of its eyes, and that you didn't make it look like some Hollywood monster. *cheers.*
Author's Response: *uses super-powers to edit the html tag* MOONY, that review was completely SPEW-worthy. Just so you know.
I knew I'd missed some stuff in those parts. I'll go back and edit. I'm very glad you liked young Remus. As for the candles... I was hoping they didn't go out while I was writing. Did you know it's hard to write and hold your breath at the same time?
At last! The AU Remus has returned. And I love him. Five-year-old Remus is simply wonderful! You show his curiosity, joy in life (which he must have had by the truck loads to still be able to smile after all he has been through), sweetness, and that wonderful mix of care (the care he takes with his coloring project) and boyish recklessness (falling out of trees) that foreshadows Remus the Marauder. I thoroughly enjoyed the way you worked in his interest in creatures, and chocolate. LOL (isolating the chocolate chips. :) ) He is absolutely darling!
And that is what makes this chapter so excruciating. I don’t know what I was thinking as I read along, obliviously happy at his joy. For a while, I forgot what I knew was to come. *slaps self* You distracted me (cruelly) with the beauty of his world. The bright swirling colors, his sheer glee…his loving parents…*cries* But you brought me back with a jolt here: and the moon that hung, heavy and huge, above the trees. And then his birthday wish…*groans* I kept wishing the candles wouldn’t go out, even though I knew what had to happen. *sobs*
*grabs tissue and offers criticism so she can stop thinking about how sad this is, for a moment* There were a few typo’s that I feel responsible for, as I was the one strong-arming you into posting right now! ;) : slightly sticky finer pointed. Remus’ finger is missing its G.
waved a scolding finger his dad is missing the at
To be really nit-picky, I have this thing about clear separation between the body of the story and author’s notes. *blushes* I don’t know why, but I’m strange that way. Just a personal preference thing. Especially considering the dedication. ;*) *beams*
or whether he’d better not make a wish he didn’t want to come true. I may be wrong, and I’ve read this a number of times and still can’t really say, but I think it would be more accurate to say ‘better not make a wish he DID want to come true.”
And finally, Velcro…again I could be wrong, but I don’t know if they used Velcro on shoes yet in 1965. I remember it being a big deal in the eighties. Of course, you young whippersnappers wouldn’t relate to a time when there wasn’t Velcro…lol It had definitely been invented before then, so it isn’t impossible, but it does strike me as a little more recent than sixties. So, now that I feel really old, back to the gushing…:)
I love how you make everything feel truly magical. The description of the fairies is brilliant. LOVE the Welsh Green in Remus’ magic coloring book! That cake…glorious. Your love of magical things is glaringly evident. Well done!
Finally, the tragedy…It comes so quickly and happens in such a whirl of frantic activity, just as it should. He was dizzy again, falling downwards, and the fairies swirled and swirled, and his father shouted, and his mother screamed, and a tail disappeared into the woods. In any other context, I would say that was a lot of ands…but it is brilliant here. I felt the tension and confusion so clearly that I realized I was holding my breath. I love/hate that line. Poor Remus…Poor Mr. Lupin…POOR REMUS’ MUM! and the world went dark. Gah! Simply prophetic. I’m almost afraid to say it, (that whole be-careful-what-you-wish-for thing…*sobs more*) but don’t keep us waiting too long for more.
This sounds absolutely intriguing. You are great with description, and I love your characterisation of Remus.
By the way, my one little piece of criticism, Dissapparation should be Disapparition. : )
::continues to next chapter::
Author's Response: You, the Queen of all things Remus, like my version? *glows* *rolls eyes at self* And yes, I know that... and yet, I always make that mistake. *hugs Kay*
*speculates* So if Remus became a full-time werewolf... Gracious, I've just looked at the reviews and decided that Laura is absolutely insane. As if we all didn't know that already.
So back to the point. I love how you began with A wolf is always a wolf. It makes it so that any sort of reasoning for writing this type of story is entirely unnecessary. I've discovered that reasoning is of the essence in writing, most particularly in fanfiction, because people will always be puzzled. Well, you've explained it in a word. A wolf is always a wolf. Just as anything else we are is what we always are, if it exists. And that makes NO sense at all, but it's true all the same.
The sharp scent of human fear... This is really an essential part of being something other than human, something else. Smelling emotion? What an image! The things Remus notices about the man's scent show similarities between the Remus we know and the one in your story. He would search for the scent of humanity first, I think.
Then you go on to introduce the rest of the senses, going full circle with it. Werewolf training.. interesting mention of the Pup's second lesson I suppose we'll be learning the first, right? Just one thing about that bit--why would the stars matter? I thought we were smelling and tasting...
Anyway, I really found the attack interesting from Remus's point of view. It shows a certain contempt for the kind of person he would have been. A human, defending his friends. Why, though, were they wearing masks? I guess we'll find out.
He growled again, the sound instinctive and feral, and advanced slowly. I love the insertion of the 'instinctive' growl, showing that this way of life is natural to him and that he doesn't really need his wolf form to make the impression. And the end was amazing, the perplexed, bedraggled victim, still curious. Typical wizard, touching line.
When I first read it, I was mildly perplexed--I guess that's what prologues are supposed to do! The instant transfer to action captured my attention instantly. I can't wait for the rest!
Wow, this is unlike anything I’ve ever read before with Remus, and I must say, I really like the idea. I like how you take your idea away with the first line, A wolf is always a wolf, now I know this story is supposed to be AU and a “what if” sort of thing but I don’t understand why it couldn’t happen, it definitely gives me something to think about anyway.
So few people take on the task of examining Remus in his wolf form, or his wolf state of mind, I figure it has to be different from normal human thinking, and I find your take on it quite interesting. The way you use his wolf instinct not in his wolf form but in his human form is riveting, and there were times when I kept checking to make sure he was actually in human form, because you describe his wolf state of mind so intensely that I believe he was in that state.
There was one part that confused me for some reason:
even his sweat by the alcohol he occasionally drank
I don’t know what you are trying to say here…are you saying that his sweat smelt like alcohol or that he sweat because he drank alcohol. I just wasn’t sure.
I also enjoyed the last line of the prologue, “Who…are you?”. That is what a lot of people are wondering because no one explores Remus like this, and I think it is brilliant! Who is the wolf in Remus, how are they one? All the questions that come up when I read this need answers! I really enjoyed your exploration of Remus, I hope to read more in the future?!
I’ve come to the conclusion that it is enthusiastic, talented authors of our age that write the best Dark/Angsty fics. We are going through a stage in our lives where we can perceive things in a darker light, understand emotional turmoil to some degree, and many of us aren’t afraid to use quite explicit, brutal images to portray what we want to describe. Adults are just too serious for that. But in all sincerity, this story is the epitome of a perfect dark/angsty fan fiction in only 550 words. Reading this has been my favourite half an hour of the day (more so than the time I spent eating a gorgeous chicken mayo sandwich for lunch.) You managed to grab my intention immediately and sustain it until the end, keeping an upbeat pace and increasing the tension. I know that I probably wouldn’t have read it this month if it wasn’t for the fact you won the riddle challenge, but had I read it coincidentally, I’d still be writing a review.
Crouched between the crumpled form of a man and the moonless sky, Remus growled.
I’ve been studying syntax in class recently. Apparently this type of sentence structure, putting the main clause at the end, builds up the tension and creates a mysterious atmosphere whilst the reader waits to find out the conclusion. I love the imagery you use, especially reminding us that it is a moonless sky and so if Remus was in his human-form, he shouldn’t be attacking anybody, but be back to his normal self. Immediately, your reader is aware that you’ve changed Remus’ circumstances and so making the twist on canon clear. AU is often frowned upon because it excuses OOCness, but I think you manage to create a brilliant ‘what-if’ scenario that engages the reader by advocating quite a strong stance of: ‘a leopard can’t change its spots. A werewolf is a werewolf and can never be human.’ Looking at this fan fiction as one point of view and then Remus’ canon character at the other, it certainly makes me think about how people are judged and how evil exists.
It was the Pack way to use all of the senses; even tonight, under the new moon, his training gave him an advantage. The first clause of this sentence confused me slightly. I think your phrasing could be neatened up a little. Perhaps say, “the Pack’s method of fighting was to use all the senses.” I also really want to kill that semi-colon – Bridget’s been killing all of mine recently, so I should share in the discrimination against the poor little punctuation mark. It is correct but I think it clutters up the sentence a little.
He growled again, the sound instinctive and feral, and advanced slowly. His body was tense, his steps slow, his eyes steady. If he’d been in wolf form, his hackles would have been well and truly raised, adding to his size. You have a technique here where you use three clauses, divided by commas, in each sentence. It’s brilliant for providing small snippets of action and information for an action scene, but including more variety is good. I also use this technique of three clauses to a sentence quite a bit, and I’m trying to snap myself out of the habit. I think you could have been braver and linked all your small descriptions together to create one, long complex sentence that would further push the pace and keep the reader on their toes till the end of the battle. I’ve been reading some battle description extracts, and some authors have made one sentence last an entire paragraph. It does exhaust the reader because they’re forced to carry on going, without a break, until the very end. But isn’t that a good thing for a battle scene? Also, simple sentences are good at the beginning and end of action, in the former’s case to create tension and in the latter’s case to drill in a point and make it stick with the reader. *random teacher-like ramble is now over*
Wolf-like, Remus attacked him, punching, clawing, and tearing at the struggling man. I love this sentence – a great piece of action. The string of adjectives increases the brutality of the act and keeps the pace going rapidly. We really get an impression of how animalistic Remus has become and I would even go so far as saying he’s behaving amorally, allowing me to sympathise with him, also.
Two sharp pops announced the Dissapparation of his opponents, and Remus was left staring into a pair of broken glasses. “Who . . . are you?” the prey – the wounded man – asked, his voice thin and weak. I knew there was a twist to this story – I was just waiting for it to arrive. For a while, I’d been wondering who the victim was and whether something would click in Remus’ mind that would show a hint of his humanity. You satisfy both my expectations in these two sentences, whilst being oh so subtle! The allusion to the broken glasses is very clever because it helps retain the mystery and uncertainty right until the very end, also keeping the focus on Remus still by having no other character named. The one, simple question depicts the issue that is running through your readers mind - who is this new Remus? Is he even Remus? It is a very simplistic way of challenging your reader’s perception!
I like how you move from prey to wounded man – showing how even though he may have been brought up as an animal, untamed and conditioned to be as savage as possible, there is still that element of Lupin in him. There is that essence that makes him redeemable, by having him recognise what he’s done. I really want to know whether or not his moral/human self fights through the animalistic side and whether he allows his prey to go free, or whether that is the end of Harry. I don’t like Harry, but I would certainly hope that the former is the case.
I’ve written this review in one sitting (usually they take about three or four) and that proves that a) I get carried away on tangents far too much, b) that the SPEW deadline is fast approaching and I’ve been doing typical procrastination and c) I really enjoyed this prologue, despite being under 1,000 words, making this review longer than the chapter. I can see how you’ve been under the influence of teh Bridget and I believe this story has a hell of a lot of potential. You have a talent for creative writing, that is for sure, and I can see you just improving and improving with the more you write.
*blink* First I was puzzled and about to ask how the hell?!? Then silly me ... I saw the AU tag! This version of Remus, a man who embraced his animal persona. The imagery is amazing that I felt that I'm there. I especially love the battle scene, the way you described Remus's movements and actions showed this feral side so well.
A suggestion though
“Who . . . are you?” the prey – the wounded man – asked, his voice thin and weak.
The breaking off with - the wounded man- just breaks the flow of the story. I mean you've showed amazing imagery all through out except for this part, this technique does give emphasis, but I don't think you would need to emphasize that the man was wounded. You were earlier able to show just exactly what Remus did to him. I would suggest:
“Who . . . are you?” his voice thin and weak, Remus's wounded prey.
or something like that ... just without those breaks.
Great start! On the risk of sounding cliche -- I hope to see the update this ... it's been sitting around for a while ^_^
Author's Response: Thanks for the review :) On that last line... the interuption is Remus adjusting his thinking. It's just occured to Remus that this prey is actually a wounded MAN. I'm a slow updater, but the next chapter is written, so it'll be here soon.
I think I like your premise. It's hard to be completely sure this early on, but this seems a promising beginning. Remus is nothing like the Remus I know and love. What happened to him? How could this be? I hope you have a lot to tell me on that score in the near future.
There is one disappointing bit to your beginning. It's short. You have good imagry and an excellent atmosphere going. I was just getting settled into the universe when the beginning ended.
Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review. Your questions will be answered in future chapters. The Prologue was deliberately short, and isn't exactly a beginning: it's a snapshot from the middle of the story, designed to grab attention.
Wow. That was stunning. I must agree with you regarding deanine’s brilliance. I think she has proved it even more by finding the perfect person to bring her ideas to life. You have done an amazing job taking my favorite character from the gentle lovely man he is and putting him in a role that is so different from the expected. The imagery is beautifully done, the writing superb, and I can not wait to see what comes next! Wonderful!
Author's Response: Thank you! I hope that the story lives up to your expectations.