i liked the story too, but to add onto the last review while you did most in continuous tense, you wrote things like said and whispered in past tense. if you stick with present tense you need to change them to says and whispers and things like that :P soz just helping out! continue
Author's Response: I didn't mean to write in the continuous tense but I did when I wrote it out on paper and I meant to change it too.
Author's Response: Yeah! I finally changed it! I fixed chapters one and two! Take that my horrible grammer!
I like the story. It's good that you write the Marauders and Lily in character. Especially loved the 'furry little problem' line of Lily's:) A few suggestions:
I noticed you tend to put things in the continuous tense like "He smiles..." "He gives..." That would sound better in the past tense like "He smiled..."
Also, it seems like they chose to make Wormtail their Secret Keeper in a sort of random fashion. Maybe you could add a few dialogues there? Like Lily having second thoughts or something? Anyway, these are just suggestions. I like the way your story's going. Hope you have chapter 2 up soon.
Author's Response: I'm not sure if I'd have the time to do extra dialogue with school and homework (*grr*) as well as trying to decide which of my four other stories I will type up next. The whole continuous tense thing, I apologize. I saw it didn't look right on paper, but I forgot to edit it out.
Wow! this is my fav Dark/Angsty fic. plz hav chapter 2 out soon! :)
Author's Response: Thanks, I put in the queue on the morning of the 13th so I'm still waiting for them to say if they took it or not.