Reviewer: immortal_evil
Date: 01/10/06 23:12
Chapter: The Lowestoft Lovely

Not bad for your first time! Actually, it was amazing.

“Warm snow fell lightly from the dark blue sky…” Um, snow isn’t warm. It’s cold, and if you decide to sleep in it overnight, you’ll die. But, if you intended on using “warm” to match the merry and inviting festivity occurring, you might want to consider changing it to “soft,” “glistening,” “delicate,” or another word unrelated to heat.

“His greasy black hair melted into the murkiness behind him, and his hook-shaped nose reflected the light shining from outside.” Can I even begin to tell you how I love this description? I admire how you used “melted” as the verb instead of the commonly used verb “faded.”

“For three years he had waited but it didn’t seem to want to turn up; it didn’t seem to want to come to him. He didn’t even know what it was supposed to be. All he knew was that it was there, waiting to come to him.” These sentences contradict themselves. You start off saying the present doesn’t want to come to him, but then you say it wants to.

“…wondered who lived in the big scary house.” Those are the exact words a seven year old would use! Instead of using grown-up words a small child wouldn’t even dream of using, you slipped into the child’s mind and used her very own words. There should be a comma between big and scary.

“She knew there was someone, and that they were a ‘he’….” I am against using the word “they” since you explained that the child knew that there was only one person in the house. Would replacing “they” with “that someone?”

“Everyone else in the town ignored Mr Dark House…” There should be a period after “Mr.” It’s an abbreviation.

“‘What is it pumpkin?’” There should be a comma between it and pumpkin, since we’re addressing someone.

“Maddy soared with glee through the air, barely fifteen feet above the ground, grinning at her father flying below her.” Barely fifteen feet above the ground??? Holy cow! Someone get that child down! I’ve seen fifteen feet. I’ve jumped off of fifteen feet. I would be horrified to go that high on a toy broomstick. I suggest changing it to fifteen inches before you give me a heart attack.

I found myself singing “Silent Night” along with Maddy. “Along with Maddy?” Yes, you made it seem so realistic that I just had to let it out. I even wished I were there, next to Maddy, singing up to Snape’s window.

Any final words from me? I loved it. Simply adored it. You had me thinking that Snape was going to kill the poor girl! But, he didn’t. You made him show kindness while he contained his silent, morbid state.

Wow.

Sincerely,

I_e



Author's Response: .......... You make me speechless with the best review I've received for a very long time. 1) Thanks for pointing out the 'mistakes' - as a fifteen-year-old, I don't tend to notice these things. 2) The snow IS warm, because the town is magical - get my drift? =) 3) If Maddy wasn't fifteen feet above the ground, her father would end up with his feet knocking on her head. 4) THANK YOU - this is by far the longest and best review I've had for a LONG time (as I so clearly pointed out earlier). You've made me so happy! Again, thank you for the review! Thanks (again!), swift

Author's Response: I noticed a mistake in that response - on 2), I meant 'her father would end up with his head knocking on her feet'. I really am quite dumb sometimes... anyway, thanks again for the wonderful review!

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
Out of the Blue by Secret Marauder 90 1st-2nd Years
This story weaves the tale of James and Lily from the day they met right up...
Have You No Idea That You're In Deep by littlebird Professors
"The problem, as Harry sees it, is he simply wasn't prepared."
Argus Filch by BrokenPromise 1st-2nd Years
Written for the Anniversary Challenge v3 over on the boards - a double dactyl...
FEATURED
Come Home by WrenWinterSong 1st-2nd Years
Three year old Teddy Lupin ponders the photographs on the living room side table.
But You Haven't Lost Me Yet by Dawnie 6th-7th Years
The war with Voldemort comes and goes, and James and Lily find themselves struggling...
broken brights by Padfoot11333 1st-2nd Years
Harry's breath catches when he thinks of Ginny. I am not JK Rowling and...
CATEGORIES