Not bad for your first time! Actually, it was amazing.
“Warm snow fell lightly from the dark blue sky…” Um, snow isn’t warm. It’s cold, and if you decide to sleep in it overnight, you’ll die. But, if you intended on using “warm” to match the merry and inviting festivity occurring, you might want to consider changing it to “soft,” “glistening,” “delicate,” or another word unrelated to heat.
“His greasy black hair melted into the murkiness behind him, and his hook-shaped nose reflected the light shining from outside.” Can I even begin to tell you how I love this description? I admire how you used “melted” as the verb instead of the commonly used verb “faded.”
“For three years he had waited but it didn’t seem to want to turn up; it didn’t seem to want to come to him. He didn’t even know what it was supposed to be. All he knew was that it was there, waiting to come to him.” These sentences contradict themselves. You start off saying the present doesn’t want to come to him, but then you say it wants to.
“…wondered who lived in the big scary house.” Those are the exact words a seven year old would use! Instead of using grown-up words a small child wouldn’t even dream of using, you slipped into the child’s mind and used her very own words. There should be a comma between big and scary.
“She knew there was someone, and that they were a ‘he’….” I am against using the word “they” since you explained that the child knew that there was only one person in the house. Would replacing “they” with “that someone?”
“Everyone else in the town ignored Mr Dark House…” There should be a period after “Mr.” It’s an abbreviation.
“‘What is it pumpkin?’” There should be a comma between it and pumpkin, since we’re addressing someone.
“Maddy soared with glee through the air, barely fifteen feet above the ground, grinning at her father flying below her.” Barely fifteen feet above the ground??? Holy cow! Someone get that child down! I’ve seen fifteen feet. I’ve jumped off of fifteen feet. I would be horrified to go that high on a toy broomstick. I suggest changing it to fifteen inches before you give me a heart attack.
I found myself singing “Silent Night” along with Maddy. “Along with Maddy?” Yes, you made it seem so realistic that I just had to let it out. I even wished I were there, next to Maddy, singing up to Snape’s window.
Any final words from me? I loved it. Simply adored it. You had me thinking that Snape was going to kill the poor girl! But, he didn’t. You made him show kindness while he contained his silent, morbid state.
Author's Response: .......... You make me speechless with the best review I've received for a very long time. 1) Thanks for pointing out the 'mistakes' - as a fifteen-year-old, I don't tend to notice these things. 2) The snow IS warm, because the town is magical - get my drift? =) 3) If Maddy wasn't fifteen feet above the ground, her father would end up with his feet knocking on her head. 4) THANK YOU - this is by far the longest and best review I've had for a LONG time (as I so clearly pointed out earlier). You've made me so happy! Again, thank you for the review! Thanks (again!), swift
Author's Response: I noticed a mistake in that response - on 2), I meant 'her father would end up with his head knocking on her feet'. I really am quite dumb sometimes... anyway, thanks again for the wonderful review!