Wow, this was quite sad, made me feel really down until the end. I really like the message in there and the ending was perfect.
Yay!! That was excellent.
(I'm so sorry; the review below was defective. I've continued where I left off in the previous review. Please forgive the faux pas.)
“...like she was asking a question.” I think, perhaps, that a period would do better at the end of this sentence than a comma, because this phrase describes the manner in which she spoke the previous sentence and needs, therefore, an end to the thought—a period, in short.
Even within spoken dialog, when you introduce another's speech, you should capitalize the beginning of his or her sentence. Also, because you're usually introducing another thought, you ought to use a comma as well. For instance: “...he was all[,] '[W]ell, I can't really put...”
“...one," for...” Again, you're ending a thought, so you might want to have a period instead of a comma after “one.” It just solidifies things for the reader and makes the idea more concrete.
I like Remus's behavior throughout this story; I really do. He has a serious, dignified presence about him, yet he is inescapably human. Very nice, dear.
Oh! Quick thought. “I loose myself in the past.” should be “I [lose] myself in the past.” as Remus is LOSING himself and not letting himself go (LOOSING) himself in his memories.
“...firewhiskey in his head...” I believe this should be “hand” instead of “head,” unless you mean to imply that Sirius has already drunk the firewhiskey. =)
I've noticed, going through your story, that some sentences incongruously have commas at the end of them instead of periods. I think that this may be a mis-keying, though, because the comma and period keys are so close together. You might want to search for a beta to spot things like that. After all, you've had the creative idea and with a little collaboration with a word mechanic as I like to think of betas, you could eliminate little errors like that that could make the difference between a truly stellar response ... or a slightly mediocre one.
Always the humour: “my ... much younger sister.” Again, the Remus character that you've created is so real. Great job.
Ha! I knew I liked that girl. She was really a stellar spot in Remus's dismal life. And the ending: brilliant. It was so very well done.
Really, besides the odd punctuation mistake, there is a lot of substance in this short story. You've got talent; all you need is a beta to help you hone that talent. There are many who are looking for a great alpha and writer like you. If I were you, I would certainly try to find a beta—it's worth it, believe me. =)
Again, great job, and I'm so glad I found this. Thank you.
All the best on this fine evening. First, let me tell you that I have enjoyed reading your story and hope that my review will have something in it that you can use. =)
I really admire your use of descriptive language. I feel that, as a writer, the very best thing that one can do to ... bring your reader into the story is to describe absolutely everything. That, as you know, means anything that can be appreciated by one of the five (or, perhaps even six) senses. You've done a lovely job of that in this story. Particularly the smoke ... I can smell it and it's disgusting, which is wonderful. =)
As I am a bit of a nitpicker, however, I hope you will not find it amiss if I critique a few elements in your story. Not much, of course, and not major errors, but the odd one here and there that may help you improve your writing. That is what I hope, anyway.
In the first paragraph, Remus mentions his self control: “...myself control...” However, in context, Remus his not referring to himself, but rather to his self control, which is a single entity. Thus, it would read better as: “my self control.”
Also, as a general rule, whenever one asks a question, such as this, “Strange isn't it?,” one ought to have a comma after the ... well, the statement that one is questioning. Thus: “Strange[,] isn't it?”
In HP, too, “Muggle” is always capitalized, just like Healer, Quidditch, and Lumos.
Your reasoning behind Remus's beer-drowning depression was very well thought out. The reader—or, me, in this case—truly feels his pain, his embarrassment, his fear, his emotions in short.
A quick thought, though, before I lose it: You might want to work a little on your point of view. First, you have it in the first person narrative: “...a voice asks me.” But then you switch to 3rd person: “She brought a cigarette...” instead of “She [brings] a cigarette,” which fits the whole motif of Remus's thoughts/Remus's story a little better.
I like, though, the description of that smoke-blowing bimbo. *giggles* She's quite a character. I like her, although at the same time, I positively detest her forward manner. One thing to watch out for, however, is consistency in her speech. If she drops one 't', she has to drop every other one after that. Otherwise ... her character falls apart, and she's too good of one to have that happen.
*giggles* “...as straight as the wand they cast spells with.” Very nice. Sounds like a Remus!answer to me. Wry, yet morosely humorous. Very nice.
“...like she was asking a question,”
good fic! :). i dopnt know whetehr to smile or . . . what do u call these :( ? be sad. :?
Oh... poor Remus. Love the fic. Sorry, I'm dead tired and can't write a prpoer review.
*gasp* I like!
Most excellent. I really enjoy how Remus seems very real and down to earth rather than overplayed like some fanfictions tend to do. I applaud your writing skills! :) Nice Job!
That was very well written the summary caught my attention. Im usually not a fan of sirius and lunpin (spell?) but you convinced me! very nice.
I hav 2 admit- I thot it wuz gonna be a rape begginning.... but it dont sound like it.... KEEP GOING, PLZE!!!!!
Sehr gut. Bless Remus!
That was excellent.
That story was so real. I didnt really like the idea of lupin and sirius. Did lupin just love sirius and sirius not know? or were they together? I had a conversation with 2 complete strangers the other day at a bus stop. Its amazing how strangers can give you a whole new perspective of your situation. I look forward to reading more of your stories.
i wonder, did sirius know that remus loved him? great writing, keep it up.
This made me think
*Sniffles* Jusr re-read your story. I am soo joining the tear fest. It was so sad poor Remus.
That was amazing! It was so bittersweet, I think I'm joining the tear-fest. *tear* I love your style of writing. Great Story
I second that, it's very sad. *wipes tears from eyes* It takes a really good story sad or happy to make me cry. It's also very well written and heartfelt. Queen Sarah can only do one thing under the circumstances... bow to you. *Gives 10* (Just to let you know it's worth more than a 10) ~Love ToujoursPur~ AKA Queen Sarah ~RIP SIRIUS BLACK~
oh man this was so sad, i was almost in tears aaahhhh. but so sweet.