MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Hermygirl12 (Signed) · Date: 09/10/10 12:53 · For: Flying Without Wings
OMG i loved it I cried :) please make the next chapter soon

Name: hpgirlbizarre (Signed) · Date: 05/31/07 16:55 · For: Flying Without Wings
i like how u didnt just put a oh this is a wonderful life for us. u put them through nd pain nd put harry's obnoxious persanlity tht he can have into it ndu put tht she needs him as does he people can be so blind nd u explained tht into u story. many poeple wondder bout the problems each character has but dont put into wrting but u did nd did a wonderful job with it keep it going

Name: Harryz Girl_123 (Signed) · Date: 04/13/07 18:31 · For: Flying Without Wings

Name: Fizzing_Wizbee022 (Signed) · Date: 01/13/07 19:29 · For: Flying Without Wings
I just wanted to let you know that I absolutely loved this story! I am a big fan of H/Hr, which I know is not popular around here at all, but I applaud you on a great effort in spite of what others say.

Your story is also one of the few romangstys that I have found and really enjoyed, as I normally dislike huge amounts of angst in one shots. However, you handled the situation and material brilliantly and the emotions your characters were feeling were believeable, and, dare I say, natural considering what they were going through.

All in all a great job! I can't wait to read more of your stuff!

Name: Fizzing_Wizbee022 (Signed) · Date: 01/13/07 17:28 · For: Flying Without Wings
I just wanted to let you know that I absolutely loved this story! I am a big fan of H/Hr, which I know is not popular around here at all, but I applaud you on a great effort in spite of what others say.

Your story is also one of the few romangstys that I have found and really enjoyed, as I normally dislike huge amounts of angst in one shots. However, you handled the situation and material brilliantly and the emotions your characters were feeling were believeable, and, dare I say, natural considering what they were going through.

All in all a great job! I can't wait to read more of your stuff!

Name: Velvet Tears (Signed) · Date: 07/31/06 12:59 · For: Flying Without Wings
Hang on, hang on... RON DIES?!... Well, I suppose it all fits in.

Very sweet, loved it. Keep up the good work, and good luck on anything else you're working on

Name: Accio_Brain (Signed) · Date: 07/05/06 18:15 · For: Flying Without Wings
A great piece of angst. It was very sad that Ron had to die and Harry's anger and depression is totally realistic and expected. Harry and Hermione's relationship also came across as realistic. We often lash out at the people we love most when we are hurt. Very nicely done!

Name: mugglegurl (Signed) · Date: 06/21/06 23:05 · For: Flying Without Wings
I finally came and reviewed one of your stories! Although I'm a H/G shipper, I really enjoyed your story, and when you talked about the death of Ron, it really got me all choked up. I also liked the song you chose to go along with the fic, it fitted perfectly.

Name: lily_evans34 (Signed) · Date: 04/30/06 16:33 · For: Flying Without Wings
That was wonderful! I was actually crying. I really dislike Harry/Hermione, but I think that you've changed my mind. This was beautifully written. I really liked your plot. It was really sweet, sad and dark as it was. I loved the not-so-shippiness of it, while it was still romantic. (And no... I don't tend to make much sense.) I just really liked Harry and Hermione's relationship in this. It's like, they were always there for each other, and just needed to realize it. Their relationship was more based off their feelings that they've always had for each other, and not just some mushy new-found romance. This story was more deep, and very dark. I loved that! GREAT job, overall.

~ lily_evans34 aka mrs_tom_riddle

Name: Natasha Johnson (Signed) · Date: 03/22/06 13:17 · For: Flying Without Wings
Lei, I love your writing style! Their feelings were so real, I could pracitically know what they were thinking. Amazing. You are already in my favorites, but I will put this story there too. Alright, on to the rest of your awesome writing...

Name: Jules_411 (Signed) · Date: 02/20/06 11:30 · For: Flying Without Wings
That was so sweet, Lei! It was very well-written and you did a nice job of capturing the character's personalities. It was very moving and sad in a sweet way! Nice job!

Name: Poultrygeist99 (Signed) · Date: 02/08/06 20:54 · For: Flying Without Wings
Awwwwww! How sweet! *wipes away a tear* I don't think I'm a fan of the interspersed song lyrics. Honestly, I skipped most of them. Maybe it's just because I don't know the song. A lovely story, very believable.

Author's Response: LOL, thanks Mandy. ;)

Name: SomberBallad (Signed) · Date: 01/15/06 23:24 · For: Flying Without Wings
All right, this is a sweet one-shot, it really is very nice, and I love the angst. I’m such a huge fan of angsty!Harry/Hermione stories. Oh the drama, who says Ron/Hermione have to have all the good fights huh?

I really liked the beginning of this story; it made a connection with the first book and really drew me in. It’s a good introduction and hooks the reader well, especially for those of us who can remember back to Sorcerer’s Stone. I like the parallels; it’s a nice lead in to your story. I approve.

To start out with, you had some very good and very real characterization. Harry’s anger and self-loathing, and desperation were all very perfect. His hatred for the world because of what happened is completely realistic for a teenager who just lost his best friends especially what Harry and Ron have been through together and that Ron died in battle for him. That guilt is there, and you played on it well, even though he wanted to toss it off on anyone else to avoid the truth.

Hermione’s characterization was also good; it’s not all surprising to find her coming to see Harry after all this. He is her only remaining best friend and she feels deeply for him (no matter what you ship most people believe this is true), she has an understanding of him. She knows he’s hurting, she knows he doesn’t feel the victory, and she wants to help, and if in return she can be uplifted it works out for her. Her main goal is Harry though, I think Hermione would put her friends’ feelings in front of her own any day and that is the way you displayed it. So congratulations.

Now, I know you had some worries with this one-shot and some harsh criticism from other reviews. Well I hope I can help, and I think I found the problem you might be having. Though your internal characterizations are good, and you understand the emotions, the dialogue and character actions doesn’t always display this like you want to. So I’ll point out a few excerpts to help you along, hopefully.

What they had was lost in the war, and now, Ron was lost as well I really like this line, it relays what Harry’s struggle is with Hermione very well. He thinks that his happiness and hope for life died with Ron. It’s very revealing to Harry’s psyche and though he doesn’t know why he is mad at Hermione, the reader has some understanding. I think this line is very big, and I like it.

She just cried, as she had never cried in her life.
Though I know what you are trying to go for here, this sounds really cliché my dear. You might want try another way to relay the intensity of her emotions.

Sighing, Harry sunk back into his pillows and turned his gaze from her, not wanting to see her crumble before his very eyes.
This is another great characterization of just a teenage boy in general actually. I know this holds true for my friends anyway. My best guy friend would rather be fed to the wolves before having to watch me or another female friend of his cry, so I like really like Harry’s reaction here, it’s very accurate.

“I don’t understand you, Harry! In all the years I’ve known you, you never shut me out, not once! Not once? That seems rather err…not likely. I know he’s shut her out before, maybe not often, and maybe he tells her a lot, but it seems a little extreme to say that he has “never” done that. Again, I know what you want to convey, so maybe say something like “Of all the times to shut me out, you pick now, when we need each other most…” (and that is a little cliché but you could work with that, I’m just trying to get you to see where I am coming from)

“I came here because I need you. Ron’s death caught me completely off guard, but I knew I could find comfort in you, as I always have in the past.” This sentence doesn’t sound like Hermione to me. The first part just doesn’t sound like her, she sounds too composed as to what just happened to say “caught me off guard”. When your best friend scares you, that catches you off guard, but not them dying. (you know what I mean). It sounds too casual. The second part is again on the clichéd side, not as much as before but it seems a little over the top. Just my opinion of course as a suggestion to fix something.

Hermione’s jaw dropped open in shock. “Lies? Harry, whatever I felt for you before and during the war was real!” I like Hermione’s reaction here, because what he just told her was brutal. I can see her flipping out over his accusation, and the emphasis on “lies?” is great, I can hear her saying it in my head. The shock is great again, another hard-hitting line.

All he wanted to do was scream at her, shout at her, dump every shitty *** feeling he had on her.
Maybe it’s just me but “shitty” seems a little lax in your writing style, and I know it’s Harry and I know that is how he feels but maybe you could try another adjective? Okay, okay I’m sorry…the characterization is fine…I just don’t like it. (You: Will you make up your mind) I just don’t know…. maybe wait for a second opinion on this?

“I was right there, Harry,” said Hermione, her voice shaking with hurt and anger. “I was right there, fighting the battle, for you.”
Another line that makes Ashley happy because it is wonderful and beautiful and dramatic, and so Hermione. No other comment, except it rocks.

“Hermione, I was wrong, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have blamed you for Ron’s death. I shouldn’t have shut you out. I should’ve have done a lot of things to you because you don’t deserve them.”
Okay, remember Harry is only an adolescent boy, no matter how sorry he really is, he probably wouldn’t burst out saying all that. Just an opinion of course, and you may have way more experience than me at this but he seems to be spilling his guts, and if he were to do this it would at least be a little more awkward then passionate, or so I think.

Still, she was beautiful.
Though Hermione might be slightly pretty she really isn’t “beautiful”. Now if you were to express that she was beautiful for reasons other than physical appearance, as in her devotion to Harry, her love for him, her awesomeness, then I could see this working. But on it’s own it doesn’t seem quite right.

. Harry gently rubbed her back with the last bit of strength he had left. Okay here I go with the speculating about boys stuff, but I think he would just relish in the fact that he was comfortable with Hermione’s head on his shoulder without rubbing her back. It seems a little awkward to me, again I don’t have that experience but just as another suggestion.

Alright, I know that was a lot of stuff, and I hope I don’t sound too critical because you have an amazing story. If I sound harsh, it’s only because I love your story, and know the unceasing potential it has. Again, your characterizations are wonderful, sometimes you just don’t get them out the way you want to. I really believe in your writing ability and you have done wonders with this pairing, and I don’t think it’s unrealistic at all. I hope you can get it all worked out, and believe me when I say that this is good work! Nicely done. I hope to see more H/Hr from you in the future, it’s really inspiration, I envy your skill with these characters and their interactions.

Name: PhysicalGraffiti (Anonymous) · Date: 01/05/06 15:23 · For: Flying Without Wings

Lei, you've done it again. I loved this one-shot. To start, you set it up from the very beginning to be believable and heartfelt. The first couple paragraphs were so well articulated and crafted, it was as if you were delving into a multi-chaptered fic. Except, you found a way to melt this directly with the 'romangst' so that, instead, it became an enthralling one-shot. Your ability to suck the reader in from the very start like this, yet maintain realism and uphold the canon standard, makes you one of the most efficient writers on MuggleNet.

While champagne bottles were being popped open all around the world, Harry Potter lay defeated in a closed ward in St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. I loved your use of the word 'defeated' here, because prior to it, you had the reader believing that Harry had been anything but defeated; after all, he'd just vanquished the most powerful Dark Wizard of the age. So in choosing this particular word, you sent the message that there is more than one way to be defeated, and that emotional turmoil far out-shadows physical death. This subtle ideal was incorporated flawlessly; once again, the marks of true talent.

Tears streamed freely from Harry’s eyes; he did not make any move to wipe them off. This line resonated in my mind for minutes on end. It set such an emotional visual, and the fact that he didn't care he was crying hit me hard in the chest. I think that was very good characterization and insight on your part.

The angst was... to die for. Pun intended. ;) It wasn't forced on the reader at all, but instead explained and justified through description and emotion. Harry's reactions ("Go away, Hermione.") were so on-target and true to the circumstances. You really tapped into both Harry's and Hermione's characters in this way, and I felt so there, so in the moment with them. Brilliant, simply brilliant.

Just as with the angst, the romance wasn't forced on the reader either, which is especially difficult to accomplish with a one-shot. The romance was just natural, as if it had been there all along (which, to us delusional shippers, it has been -_- ). I particularly liked how, despite such tragedy, Harry briefly remembered their better days and felt warmth and comfort from it. But then, "these were quickly replaced by the familiar misery and despair he previously felt as Ron’s lifeless eyes filled his vision." Wow. What a blow! Poor Harry... and Hermione. Yet, I wouldn't change that reaction at all. It was part of the reason the romance didn't feel artificial and fabricated. There was angst to get past before they could heal, as one, and with Harry's personality combined with the situation, it was a very realistic sentiment for him to have.

I can see why some others would point out the dialogue as something to work on; their conversations were deeply emotional, and in the books, we're not terribly used to seeing that. However, I disagree that it felt "flat" and unbelievable. This isn't the books. You were attempting to analyze the characters and put them in a tragic situation they've never experienced in canon. Not to that extent. On that premise alone, I think the emotion and heartache was called for. But, who am I to say? Who is anyone to say? No one knows how J.K. would handle Ron's death in the series, so it's quite impossible to crucify the entire story on that basis alone.

Furthermore, I agree with your thoughts that this story, especially being a one-shot, wasn't meant to convince anyone. Surely, the entire idea of categorizing romantic pairings is to separate the believers from the nay-sayers. This story was directed towards those already convinced, of their love and their character, so the idea that perhaps you should have struggled to catch the eye of anyone but H/Hr shippers is null and void. A worthy point, certainly, but an inconsequential one.

I'm sure all the H/Hr shippers will love it, especially since you threw in that note at the beginning about the "Proudly Delusional H/Hr Shippers Club." Well, obviously. H/Hr shippers will adore it, because... well, they're H/Hr shippers. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I had thought the purpose of writing romance stories was to help others in agreement see their preferences realized. If it was to convert non-believers, I daresay it would have to fall under another category, and be quite the story indeed. Especially considering that some refuse to even 'believe' or accept Ms. Rowling’s pairings, so... why should MuggleNet authors be striving to convince anyone, if the original author cannot? Furthermore, I found that particular comment rather offensive and rude. I interpreted it as suggesting that, at least part of the reason H/Hr shippers will love the story, is because of your author's note dedicating it to them. If the delusional club cannot be swayed or bribed by Ms. Rowling's work, I highly doubt a brief note on a one-shot would be enough to do the same. Otherwise, Howie's comments were respectful and poignant, and besides, it's always nice to hear constructive criticism. At any rate, he did say the story was "good", and seeing as how he doesn't ship H/Hr, that's enough of a compliment in and of itself.

I really enjoyed reading this, and I can only hope this isn't your first and last venture into the H/Hr world. Tiffany is right: we're not the only ones impressed by your writing. You have talent, my friend, and I pray you never doubt that. This coupled with your ambition is sure to get your name on the cover of a book one day, and when this happens, I'll be right there cheering on the crowd with a wide grin, shouting, "That's my friend you're fangurling!"

Keep writing. If for no other reason than I'll be sorely disappointed if you don't. :)

<3, Elysa

Name: katsters (Signed) · Date: 01/05/06 13:19 · For: Flying Without Wings
I'm not gonna lie, I thought this story was really good, especially for only one chapter! Good job.

Name: KoolGirl (Signed) · Date: 01/04/06 23:01 · For: Flying Without Wings
yes...yes indeed. This is what I need before going to bed. Thank you

Name: TiffanyRuth (Signed) · Date: 01/04/06 21:36 · For: Flying Without Wings
This was absolutely perfect. I love how you just threw us right into the middle of the plot without trying to explain everything. All of my questions were answered by the end. I'm looking foward to lotsa more h/hr from you, missy. And I'm positive its not just Elysa and I who are in love with it. = )

Author's Response: Aww, thanks Tiffy! *huggles* All hail the almighty...er... somethings. ;)

Name: HermioneJPotter (Signed) · Date: 01/04/06 12:58 · For: Flying Without Wings
Wow... Wow.... thats all I can say... I'm speechless.... I don't know what to say... I just love this story.... It's sooo nice and sweet... and the song matched it perfectly...You are such a great writer... Please write more... I just can't wait to read more stories by you... 10++++

Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much! :) I didn't expect to do that well with my first H/Hr story, but I appreciate your compliments all the same. Thank you!

Name: Howie (Signed) · Date: 01/04/06 12:02 · For: Flying Without Wings
Seriously? It was good. Good, not great. I mean, I'm sure all the H/Hr shippers will love it, especially since you threw in that note at the beginning about the "Proudly Delusional H/Hr Shippers Club." But coming from the perspective of someone who doesn't ship H/Hr, I didn't find it convincing. I like your writing, and the way you describe what Harry's thinking, but the conversations between Harry and Hermione fell flat for me. They felt fake. And my advice would be to work on your dialogue. Make me believe it, and I think that you'll become an excellent writer.

Author's Response: Well, thanks, but I wasn't out to convince anyone. I wrote this one-shot purely out of my desire to play with these characters' emotions, and try my luck at balancing romance and angst as well. And I'm sure you, as someone who doesn't ship H/Hr, didn't find it much convincing as I would have if I read fics pertaining to other ships. But anyway, thank you, and I'll make sure to check, re-check, and triple check my dialogue next time.

Name: livingbreathingdream (Signed) · Date: 01/04/06 10:53 · For: Flying Without Wings
*wipes tears from eyes* touching. i'm at a loss for words, so i'll just leave you with that. *blows nose loudly* look forward to seeing more of your work soon.

Author's Response: *blushes* Thanks so much!

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