I loved it.
That was really sad. I can;t quite figure out if I liked it or not, but it made me feel something, which I thought was worth noting.
Author's Response: Well, thank you for making your feelings vulnerable and taking note. =D I am much obliged.
That was really good. I hope you write a lot more fics.
Author's Response: Thank yo! Someday, I hope! =)
Awesome fic. Remus is a hard character to write, bur you captured him very well. Very sweet, but kinda sad at the same time... Great job
Author's Response: Thank you so, so much! Remus is my fave and so I'm glad you liked this interpretation... the bittersweetness of Remus is what makes him so much fun to write. =)
Hello! I loved your story, but that’s not the only reason why I’m reviewing- I wanted to make a few comments about your characterization of Lily and Remus.
I loved how you gave Lily back her mischievous side where you were talking about how she threatened to turn Petunia into escargot. So many authors forget about the frogspawn and nose-biting teacups Petunia mentioned in PS/SS. However, I think she lost her personality at the end, where she shied away from Remus after figuring out that he is a werewolf. I think that Lily wouldn’t have done that- she values friendship and is very loyal.
I think, however, that you kept Remus very in character. At the end, when he was talking about how ‘the wolf had no hold on him’… It was all very IC. Good job!
I hope to see more from you soon- and congrats on the QSQ award!
Author's Response: Thank you, Becca! I'm happy you enjoyed it and happier still for the constructive criticism. Let me say how glad I am that you pointed out what you felt to be OOC with Lily. I quite agree that she's a loyal friend, and my only intent was to portray her momentary shock/impulse, not to imply any real wavering. Lily's being "ambushed" with information, if you will, in the situation; it was a rather selfish occurrence in plot to encourage a bit of a reaction from Remus. Lily deserves better than that, though. =) I'll keep your comments in mind if ever I get around to reviewing the second half. This story is almost a year old and I daresay a bit of editing is long overdue. Thanks so much again!
Oh! How sweet. I'm a HUGE Remus fan and I never understood how Lily could ever prefer James to Remus. I mean, that arrogant berk or my sweet, loving, caring, intelligent Remus?
Sorry, getting of topic. Great fic. You are a wonderful writer and should write other things besides fanfics. You have the potential to become a famous author. Not as good as Jo, of course(no one could ever be better than Jo), but great nonetheless.
Author's Response: lol, believe me, if I were in Lily's shoes there'd be no question! At least Lily made James shape up a bit before they got married. And thank you *very* much. If I could have just some of Jo's talent I'd be quite satisfied. When you say that, I feel like Harry in Ollivander's shop! ^^;
Wow! I've read this story at least twice now, maybe thrice, and this read was the best yet!
I love the overall flow--it does seem to have a sort of natural clumsiness...like you intended it to be that way...so it would be more like a scene out of someone's life. One thing I strongly dislike about fanfiction is its triteness--dialogue seems forced, situations are clichéd and contrived--however, your story was definitely not in that category! It seemed incredibly real, like a scene out my own life...the diction you chose worked for the characters, and I like how you included and described all the 'dead space' in the scene, something most writers skip over.
Next, the characterization was excellent...I love how you let us into Remus' and Lily's minds, excellently revealing their characters and letting us see different sides of their personalities. Remus' thoughts were very human--flitting from his condition, his friends, people walking outside, light reflecting off of Lily's bracelet--incredibly real.
After reading this, I feel like I have a whole picture of the Marauder years, a very plausible picture at that...I've mentioned this in possibly every sentence, but your story was real, and that's an incredible feat. =)
Author's Response: Wow, maybe thrice?! Thank you, Ceryle, for such a profuse, meaty review!! Even if it weren't so nice I'd be grateful for the thought that's in it. And that you thought this story could feel like something from Remus or Lily's lives - or your own life - it's so incredibly generous of you!
It's always the aim to get into the characters' heads, and it's great to think that I'm on the same wavelength as some other people (because frankly, I understand concerns about pace and length, etc.)... So thank you for the encouragement; I know you'll understand how it puts a smile on one's face. "Natural clumsiness,"; I love that; you're obviously a wordsmith, too. =)
Good job! Remus is one of my favourite characters and I think you portrayed him well. I like how you did Lily too... sooo....keep it up!
Author's Response: You're a Remus fan!! Thank you so much. And I'll try! I'll try my best! =D
I think that you portrayed Lily and Remus exceptionally well.
Author's Response: Thank you; that means a lot to me. =)
Great story!! I loved the way you portrayed Lily. You made the characters seem alive and human. I really enjoyed reading this.
Author's Response: Thanks KitKat! =) Lily is such a wonderful character to have to incorporate into a story, isn't she? JKR only gives us glimpses of her but she comes across very strongly! I'm glad you didn't think my portrayal was OOC!
Your writing is absolutely amazing! I love both your stories.
Author's Response: Thank you twice as much. =)
There is no possible way that this story could be considered a waste of time! I thought it was beautifully written and and I wanted to laugh and cry simultaneously. Fantastic!
Author's Response: Thank you very much! And I'm so chuffed that you saw the humor in it, I don't fare too well with comedy so it really makes me smile that it almost coaxed one from you. =)
wonderful (and LONG!) one shot! lily and remus were so well portrayed, and the entire thing was just great. good job!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you weren't put off by the length! ^^;
I stumbled upon this story a couple days ago, and I’m glad I did (though by the end of the review, you might not be). It’s thoroughly believable and enjoyable to read. I loved getting in the heads of both Remus and Lily. I’m not sure yet, but I think this review’s going to revolve around something that you said in your story:
”Quality was all in the attention to detail”
Your clever word choice and apt descriptions made me feel as if I were present there in Diagon Alley on a hot, busy day. I especially love “swarm of spenders” in the first paragraph; “burning blast of malodorous exhaust” for the words, not because I like exhaust; “steadfastness and intelligence written in every aspect of his face” is a beautiful and appropriate description; oh goodness, if I tried to go through the whole story and find every word usage I loved, we’d be here all day. Just know that the little, seemingly meaningless words you slip in there contribute greatly to the overall effect of the story. One more example: when Remus is trying to get Lily’s mind off school and stuff, he says, “genially, irresistibly ...” That combination is unusual but very indicative of the tone of Remus’ voice and the closeness he has with Lily – he knows how to persuade her along.
I just realized that I’ll never be able to say everything I wanted to say in this measly little review. But I’ll try and disclose some of my thoughts on your story. May it teach you never to ask for a review again. *joke* Now that I’m finished with it, however, I will warn you that it’s about a page and a half in Word, so get ready for a long haul.
First of all, Remus. Lily’s thoughts provide insight into his character; how he’s warm and concerned, intelligent and steadfast. Also, some of Remus’ own thoughts convey his personality: how he worried about what Lily would think if she knew about his furry little problem, for example. But my favorite characterization you’ve done here is through what he says and does. When he Apparates just to irk Lily, his funny side, his Marauder-side, peeks through. And when he philosophizes about how the home front can check evil before it comes to fruition, it shows his ... well, you know what it shows.
Brief digression to that little spot where Lily wonders what her lot in life is going to be. This little interchange was very touching to me, because some of Lily’s doubts and fears resonate in my own life – what am I going to be? Where will be my field of battle? I loved Remus’ calm and absolutely true response.
I’m going to move on to the perfection that is Lily now. Some of Remus’ observations about her reflect how close they are. But they also reflect what a handle you’ve got on this girl. Her annoyance with James is well done – she rants about it, but she doesn’t hate him, and that shows. Remus could obviously also sense a bit of attraction toward the new Head Boy because he encouraged civility and all. I thought I might spend a paragraph discussing their friendship, but my comments seem to be interspersed throughout anyway. But I’m trying to talk about Lily. There’s this one line ... after she finds out James told Remus about Apparition, where she undergoes “an alarming transformation” – I loved that because I knew that Lily had a temper, and it was just so funny to see her totally go from merry to foreboding.
I just realized how long this review is getting, so I’m going to skip straight to the “werewolf” part. I thought that this was done quite admirably. Lily’s fear, and her determination to hide it but failure to cover it completely, were well shown. Also Remus’ dejection at realizing that the worst has indeed come to pass. But everything was explained away at the end and one could feel better knowing that everything was back to normal with them.
Well, almost. What a bittersweet closing line! My poor little heart didn’t know what to feel!
Okay, on to the not as fun stuff. Reviewer before me found a couple things that I agree with, especially the incomplete sentence. But I found one more that you might want to watch out for in future, if you think it too wasteful to change now. This paragraph: “I’d have thought you’d just get tired of it and stop,” said Lily, fanning herself, for the exhaust had upset her internal thermostat. That was his way, after all. It was a marvel to her that he could stand there so comfortably in a cloak, as though he had flipped a switch and could not feel the heat. Even in her weightless costume she felt hot There’s just something wrong about it. I think most of it lies in “That was his way, after all.” Because it doesn’t seem to fit with either the topic at hand – Remus’ peculiar illnesses – or the next subject, which is how he never seemed hot. Just a couple little discrepancies like that.
Goodness. I did not mean to leave such a long review – your fault, I suppose, for writing such a long story. I didn’t mean for it to be quite as glowing, either, but once I got started I couldn’t stop. Good job. I liked this story a lot. I liked the myriad missing moments like Lily’s birthday party that we can guess without having to be told straight out everything that happened. Agh, so much more I could say about this! I must stop, though, because I have a feeling you are sick of my blather. Have a nice day! *D*
Author's Response: Oh my word, when I signed on last night to see not one but TWO lengthy reviews... I honestly thought there'd been some mistake! Quite the contrary, CA, I'm more appreciative than I can say that you had so much to offer me!
I am *staggered* by your generosity and humbled by the praise. I can't possibly tell you how much it means to me that someone put a page-and-a-half's worth of Word's effort into reviewing this. Thank you doesn't cover it!
Let me just say that I'm overjoyed that you liked it, and deeply relieved to have feedback from a discerning reader who didn't think it all too vague or clumsy, as I feared. If I ever get around to re-writing this monster, I'll remember what you've suggested. That passage in particular was very slapdash and I've excised the incongruity for the time being. I first wrote the end, and then the very beginning, so that entire portion can be likened to hasty patch-up job!
I want to babble on more, (you see I can't EVER keep things concise!), so I'll just leave you with thanks. And I hope you have a nice day yourself, because you've certainly brightened mine! *G*
I enjoyed reading your fic. Your way of writing just drew me into the fic and I read it twice in one sitting (it’s a great achievement for me) Here are a few things I noticed: A flaming red head of hair bobbed its way down the bustling straight of Diagon Alley,...
There’s no need to say red head of hair, just red head would suffice.
“No escaping it, unfortunately,” coughing in the hot and smelly cloud that engulfed them.
The sentence is a bit incomplete. Maybe you could say “No escaping it, unfortunately,” she said, coughing in the...
“I trust Dumbledore’s judgment,” he said in return.
Nice foreshadowing here. Merges well with Remus’ statement in HBP about trusting Dumbledore’s judgement.
I mean—not Sirius, of course!” she added quickly, but Remus walked on unperturbed.
This response doesn’t seem to sink in with Lily’s previous comments on Sirius, why does she suddenly defend Sirius? I understand it’s just not to hurt Remus, but it doesn’t seem like something she would say.
“I prefer to think of it as an excess of parental love,” he said at last.
I loved that line. Shows the difference in opinion of Remus and Lily very nicely. And for her to think that Remus is being spoilt by his parents in rather amusing.
Now why did Remus suddenly speak French? We haven’t heard of him knowing French anywhere in canon, so I would suggest revising that part.
And in the next few paragraphs, I really liked the detailing you’ve gone into. Personally, I’m a big fan of details and that part was nicely done, right from where Remus watches Lily’s trinkets.
And then when their conversation gets a bit serious and angsty, it seemed as though the dialogue moved really fast with them interrupting each other. I would make it really slow and concentrate a bit more on what they’re thinking etc. That would really have had an impact on the reader.
There’s also no need to use two hyphens in places like these: “When I think of poor Amanda Lovejoy--”
Again there’s the foreshadowing on Lily’s responsibility. You wrote it so that she was almost accurate but she did not know about her future. That vague speech of Lily’s made a lot of sense to me. Good job. “Are you afraid of werewolves?” she asked, quite innocently.
Haha, I can exactly imagine how Remus must have felt when she asked this. Little things like this and the foreshadowing make your fic extra special.
If his purpose was to be the instrument in bringing his friends together, he could come to terms with that.
Loved the line. You’ve portrayed Remus as close as he can be to canon. It was great that he thought of himself as an instrument to unite his friends. Nicely done.
Overall, I had really very little to find mistakes, and I definitely enjoyed reading this.
Author's Response: *Twice* in one sitting? Bless you! You couldn't have pried the grin from my face as I read this review. It really means a lot to me. :)
Thanks for catching where I slipped up, and I hope you don't mind if I use your modifications- I certainly don't want to start the story off with avoidable mistakes like those. I'm also very grateful that you shared some specific impressions, because when I'm writing I have a different perspective about how little exchanges come across. An example here is Lily's backtrack regarding Sirius: she meant the jab more for Sirius' rotten cousins, but I see now how the dialogue wasn't clear at all! I'll certainly try to revise these little things when I can get around to it.
What you said about my Remus being close to the canon is overwhelming and precious to me, and I want to thank you for that in particular. I never thought I'd hear that, and I am humbly flattered that you thought it was so. It's gratifying to have something so constructive to work with. I hope to always get better, and this sort of feedback is what helps most; so thank you, and have a wonderful weekend! =D
I really enjoyed your story and am particularly impressed that this is your first fanfiction. I thought you did a really good job of capturing the true characters of Remus and Lily. It was interesting to see them come to know each other in a different light. I also enjoyed the foreshadowing of Lily’s future. Your vocabulary is impressive too Though the story seemed slow at times I think as a character study it worked really well. It is interesting to see how Lily relates to James’ friends and I like how Remus’ feelings about Lily are subtle and almost ambiguous. All in all very impressive I was sad to see it end.
Author's Response: Were you really?! That's so precious! Thank you very much! I'm so relieved and pleased that somebody picked up on all those little things, and happy that Lily and Remus (Remus' feelings, especially) didn't seem too out-of-character. I appreciate the constructive commentary, too. I'm trying to pick up the pace of my narratives, because I do believe that points can be lost in a swamp of words! :)
This has really brightened my day! :D
I really like the conversation between Remus and Lily! It's very realistic and it makes them seem like really close friends. But, it's really sad to hear of Remus's broken heart! Although I like James and Lily together, I've always thought that Remus had also loved her! I think you did a good job of capturing that!~MALD
Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing, Mald! I love James and Lily, too, but hope there's always room to wonder about Remus! :) Especially since JKR's comment about Lupin being fond of Lily. I'm glad you liked it. :)
A well written story. It was quite good but there were some points which i didn't like. There is always room for improvement right? what i liked was your general story, your interpretation of the characters, the plotline, they were all wonderful But what you need to improve on is your writing style. The story became a bit of a drag and i found myself daydreaming pretty soon . Work on this. You have potential and you show promise!
Author's Response: Thanks, wendelin! I do have trouble mincing words and agree that improvement in that field is a priority for me. I never realized how much I was influenced by the Victorian novels I enjoyed as a kid until I started writing oneshots and had trouble keeping the wordcount down. ;)
I really appreciate constructive criticism, and this is probably the most constructive review I've had so far. So thank you so much for your input!
That was really amazing.... I'm currently trying to read all the Remus fics right now, and i really really liked it. The way you portrayed remus is exactly the way i've always imagined him to be...he's my favourite marauder!!!!
Author's Response: Thanks SO much kanksha! It's so gratifying to hear that he came across the way you imagined!! And you're a fan, too! This is the best sort of feedback and I really, really appreciate it.
And it's cool that our Lupins match up to some extent! It's only happened to me a handful of times! :)
Wow, I thought that was great! You have a great vocabulary. I'm a big Remus fan and my sister is even more so (her nickname is Lupinslover) and it was refreshing to see him captured by such a talented author! You have great skill and will probably become very prominant in the fanfiction world one day. Great job for a first fic! Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Wow, those are some of the most encouraging words I've ever been told! I'm glad you thought I captured Remus well; sometimes I get intimdated at the thought of trying, because I don't want to mess with him! ^^; Thank you so much, Lilypudding (love the name!)! I'm hoping in future I can be worthy of everyone's kind words!
Tell your sister "Hi" from a fellow Lupin fan!