Overall, I like how you incorperated such a happy song and made it so morbid. By the twelve quote, you really sumerized how Draco felt -- in brief, one lines -- during HBP. What made this fic most effective, I think, was the use of irony with the Twelve Days of Christmas Song to create a haunting tone.
For example, I'll point out the part of this fic that began to really build Draco's emotions.
On the fifth day of Christmas, life gave to Draco:
Five golden Galleons,
Four chats with Myrtle,
Three skipped games of Quidditch,
Two cronies in disguise,
And the task of killing Albus Dumbledore.
Snape raises his wand and points it at Dumbledore. “Avada Kedavra!”
“It’s Polyjuice Potion, sir,” Granger answers…
“So I wanted to know how come Malfoy’s up at the castle while everyone else is at the match,” Potter says…
“No one can help me…I can’t do it…I can’t…It won’t work…Unless I do it soon…He’ll kill me…”
“Tell me, how have you been communicating with Rosmerta?” Dumbledore asks. “Enchanted coins…”
To begin with, you started off your 'one' verse with killing Dumbledore. That was very effective. It gives the reader a shock to read that initially. Going for the shock value there was a great choice. Then, for the second and third verse, you have other people talking about Draco, which builds on the perspective about what other people are thinking about Draco, but it also reminds the reader what Draco did during HBP. However, for the 'four' and 'five' verse, you go back to Draco talking about what he did and how he feels. This is effective, also, and it brings the reader back to realizing Draco's emotions and not just what he's doing. The Myrtle part was especiall appropriate, but then, on the 'five' verse, Draco is talking to Dumbledore again, and you bring us back to verse one. Also, you do the same at the end with Dumbledore talking to Draco and telling him that he can help. You bring twelve and one back together by including Dumbledore in both, and the organization was effective to me.
However, one thing that bothered me was how unfinished and disjointed the ending was compared to the rest of the fic. Now, you created this haunted tone, but then, you go and have Draco hit this very high, optomist thought of joining the good side. However, I don't think, after a dream like that, that Draco would just wake up so optomistically. Maybe you could have ended it with his dispair at having to serve the Dark Lord or his feelings that he has no way out of his current situation. I think that would have fit the tone of this story better.
Ooh that was original and clever I'd have never thought of that myself! I really thought it was good especially for a first fanfic!!!
Hmpf...well that's the most interesting take I've ever seen on Malfoy. I have to say...I really liked it! Took me by surprise but you put the quotes in to much affect and the tweleve days were quite clever. I very much enjoyed your first fan fic...keep writing! 10/10
Nice! I liked how you did quotes from the book for the song, it was really creative! I like your writing style, keep at it! - Silver Quill