This was pretty good. It was an enjoyable read and really presented some great ideas. I did feel, however, that it was a little AU. Peter seemed a little OOC in some parts. For example, in the beginning, this line stood out at me: It was true, he had never been as good as they were, but Oh my God, why Lily? Why James? And Harry only a baby! Peter seemed, to me, too regretful. I didn't understand why he was saying 'why' because he knew why. It was his fault. I understand that you wanted to show the better side of Peter, but I felt that a little more background and support was needed. His regret seemed too sudden me.
I really liked the flashback. It fit quite nicely with the rest of the fic. However, I think you could have made it more clear if you put the flashback in italics. It's not confusing when it starts, but later, I was a bit confused when it had ended. I had to re-read a couple paragraphs to determine where the end of the flashback was.
This was already pointed out, but you have 'McKinnon' spelled two different ways in this. The first time was incorrect and the second time was correct. I definitely suggest fixing that, as it makes for inconsistency. I was also a little confused as to what Andrew's role in this was. Did he know Peter was there, in the closet? I think a little more backstory on Andrew would have been good. This isn't a long fic, and I think you could have added more to it. Sometimes brevity is good, but in this case I think you needed some more explanation.
There were some capitalization issues. Words such as 'Legilimens' and 'Fidilius Charm' need to be captitalized. And I think 'mud blood' is one word, but I'm not completely positive. That might be capitalized as well, now that I think about it.
The night walk was great. You use adjectives and descriptive language very well in this and the night walk exemplified that beautifully. The end is great too. I love the redemption theme there. But I do think you could have built it up more in the rest of the fic. Maybe include another flashback where he has his doubts or narrate some more of his thoughts? I felt that this was almost AU because there wasn't a lot of explanation as to why Peter is feeling this way. Then again, that could just be me. I've always been one for extensive character study type pieces...=)
Overall, very nice. Some wonderful thoughts and ideas. Save for a few grammar and canon errors here and there, well written. Good job!
Author's Response: I'm sorry about the spelling mistakes, and I'm glad you liked the night walk. It was my favourite part. And, as for the 'why' part, well, he just was. YOu know, wondering why it all had to happen that way, why he had done what he had, and well, yeah. As for the AU part, well, I know the stuff about him in the books makes this a bit unlikely, but nothing actually contradicts it, you know? I know he is a bit too regretful, but still. I'm glad you told me what you think, because it's much more useful then just "Great story, that's absolutely right" because even if it's very nice, it's about as useful as "Do you like netball". So, yeah.
Author's Response: PS I'd put it in itallics if I had any earthly idea on how I'm supposed to do that
I liked this story. It showed the “good side” of Peter very well and the reason he turned traitor is very well explained. But, some places, the beginning, for example, was a bit vague. I couldn’t follow what was happening, and if you had given some background information on who McKinnon was, it would have been better.
After all, no-one knew he was here, not even his fellow Marauders.
No one need not be hyphenated. :)
However, Andrew Mickinnon stayed stubbornly silent.
McKinnon is wrongly spelt here, but in another place it’s right. Like I already said, it would be better if you explained who McKinnon was and why he was protecting Peter. The beginning is ambiguous, but once the flashback is done, it picks up speed.
Peter’s blood ran cold.
Personal preference, but ‘ran cold’ seems kind of odd to me. Maybe you could say ‘turned cold’ or something similar. Or maybe ‘blood pounded in his veins’ although that would indicate more of anger than fear. You could simply say ‘Peter froze,’ if you wanted to show him being afraid.
“Dumbledore will undoubtedly perform the fidilius charm upon them, but I will get them eventually. I am determined.”
It’s Fidelius Charm.
He had never been as rational as is friends, he’d tended to rely on gut instincts rather than thoughts, and now his anger burned his fear like tissue paper.
That’s a well-written line, but it seems to me that it was contradictory to what we know about Peter in canon. He seemed to me as the most reserved of the Marauders and more of an opportunist, from what we saw in PoA. So it does seem a bit weird that he would rely on gut instincts. Sirius seems to be the sort of person who would rely on gut instincts rather than Peter. Maybe he changed after what happened to the Potters, but even if Snape’s Worst Memory chapter, he did seem as someone who would not rely on gut instincts.
For even a tiny seed, when given food and water, can grow to the sky.
Loved this line. It signifies the amount of difference even a small thing can make. Good job.
The pain was so great that he wished he would die, yet whenever a chance came he clung to life with all his might.
Wow. This is Peter in a nutshell. The sentence is very well articulated and I liked how you described him in just one line.
I especially liked the way you described his walk in the night. It was very realistic and I could feel walking with Peter at that time. It was very well written. But, then again, Peter doesn’t seem to me as the kind of guy who would change his mind after just thinking about Lily and James. This is the guy who threw his best friend to the Dark Lord and another to the Dementors just to save his own skin. So if you wanted Peter to change his mind, then you need a stronger reason for it.
Overall, I liked the ideas presented, and spare a few canon errors, it was an enjoyable read.
Author's Response: I know some of this isn't very likely, but to be honest, I don't really care. I just wanted to make it seem possible, you know? I don't like it much when characters are all bad. And as for Peter relying on gut instincts, I ment that he doesn't think much. He doesn't stop and think "Is this a good idea or not?" if his first impulse is to run, then he generally will, you know what I mean? And as for the night walk, well, I like poetry, and - I think, it was written in a poetic way. You know, all the overdone descriptions? Yeah. Glad you liked the "For even a tiny seed, when given food and water, can grow to the sky" line, and that you thought "The pain was so great that he wished he would die, yet whenever a chance came he clung to life with all his might" characterized him so well. Anyway, I loved this review, because it's so useful. Some of the other reviews don't really tell me that much. It's nice to know people like it, but... See ya
i think that u showed a view of peter that is more realistic than most. he pretty much just fends for himself, doesn't he? i agree w/ u... i'd like to think that in the end, he'll realize that he owes harry his life for taking away harry's shot at a life w/ his parents and godfather... and cedric... *sigh!* poor harry! :'( good story! i enjoyed it!
Author's Response: Thanks, that's what I think, too.
Yeah, this is certianly a good one shot. Its so cool! XallymadX
Author's Response: Thanks again.
Now, i need to read it again to be able to take it all in, but yeah, that was a good one-shot. I think that is really cool the way you took a baddies point of view and made him, good in a way!!! ;) 9/10 cool!! XallymadX
Author's Response: Thanks, this is my first fiction, and I'm glad you like it. I never really liked the whole thing about Wormtail, so I kind of invented this story. You know, make it so maybe he isn't that bad, really. Give him a chance. Not that I think it would actually be like this. But I do reckon his debt to Harry will come into the seventh book, so yeah. See ya!