Nice first chapter! You begin things very nicely here and introduce the personalities of some your characters already.
In your story, I found a few things that I'd like to point out to you. :)
..which was filled with dark grey clouds.
Gray is misspelled.
They smiled said their goodbyes and watched Lily, as...
There should be a comma after 'smiled' and, although it might not be completely necessary, I believe 'goodbyes' should be 'good-byes'.
Lily and Sarah followed.
Here, 'followed' is past tense, but the rest of the phrase is present tense. I would change that to 'following'. :)
She opened her mouth to say something when she noticed something.
Since 'something' is said twice, maybe you could change up your word choice, just to make it flow better.
The only other errors I spotted were formatting errors and run-on sentences. With run-on sentences, you really want to break them up into seperate sentences to make it flow easier. Some examples are:
There was an awkward silence, where only the splashing of rain from outside could be heard, causing James’ cheeks to flush a deep crimson colour, making him look determinedly at his shoes, and Lily to try desperately to find something to say.
This, I would change to:
There was an awkward silence where only the splashing of rain from outside could be heard. This caused James’ cheeks to flush a deep crimson colour, making him look determinedly at his shoes. Lily, too, tried desperately to find something to say.
The only formatting errors I found were where you either forgot an extra spacing code or added another one. Here is an example:
They all shrugged, and got back to copying work from the blackboard.
Lily was unable to concentrate. Images of James were swimming around her mind, she just couldn’t get over how good looking he had become, not to mention the fact that he didn’t seem to be a complete prat anymore.
With all these thoughts mingling in her head, the hour of Charms went surprisingly quickly.
Just dividing it differently will fix this. :)
“Sorry I was miles away. How...Why did… umm…How?” Lily stuttered, turning her cheeks an even darker red. James laughed.
I love how you described their reaction here. In many other stories, you see Lily freak out and throw a fit over James becoming Head Boy. This reaction is much more accurate, as they were surprised, but they didn't make a huge deal of it. Great job!
Carmen’s chocolate brown eyes widened and she had an amazed look etched on her face.
Great description! I can see Carmen's face clearly in my mind from what you have said here. Nice!
“You know, there was no need to be so mean to him, he was only asking a question,” she said crossly.
Carmen looked at her strangely.
“Why do you care?”
“I don’t,” she said quickly.
Carmen dropped it, but continued to look at her strangely.
Awesome foreshadowing here! ;)
You have James characterized well. He's not as full of himself as he was last year and you've already begun to show us that in just this chapter.
All in all, great chapter. I really enjoyed reading this and I can't wait to see what happens next chapter. Awesome job!
Author's Response: Wow I loved your review - thank you so much for showing me where I have gone wrong, that will help me a lot - although I did spell grey correctly (I think it might just be spelled 'gray' in America) Anyway, thanks again, this was such a helpful review!
Can't wait to see what happens with Carman and William, Damn Snape and Peter i wonder what the liquid does to Lily!!
Author's Response: Thank you! You'll have to wait and see! :)
What was that potion. And thank god, now Carmen has her own Prince Charming. But maybe you could have them have a few more conversations. Though I like fluff, maybe there could be a little more talking, like maybe about their home life?
Author's Response: Thanks :D The next few chapters are going to be a little slow on the fluff side, so don't worry - I will take your suggestion into account thank you!
Great story! Please don't take to long to update.
Author's Response: :) I'll try not to. Thanks for your review.
What's going to happen?
Author's Response: lol you will have to wait and see... :P
Um, I know you wanted truthful reviews, so well, hear's mine:
I love the main story plot about James and Lily. They are the cutest couple!
But, I think you're gettingtoo carried away with the other characters (the made up ones). I mean, it's a great concept to create these new friends because it never says in the book who Lily's friends were, just James'. But, I think they would only be good for small things, like diolog.
Sorry, that's my honest opinion. I love everything about James and Lily, though!
Author's Response: Ok that's fine! Thanks a lot for your review, and I will definitely take it into account and work on it, thanks again :)
who is the Gryfindor is he Remus
Just a Guess
can't wait for more
Author's Response: You'll find out soon enough...! I'm glad, the next should be coming really soon now!
Oh my god! whats going to happen to Carmen????!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't trust this Greg guy much. I can't wait for more! hope you update soon!
Author's Response: haha you'll have to wait and see! I shall be posting the next chapter shortly. :D
Wow I like it! Can't wait for more chapters! :)
Author's Response: Yay :D The next one should be coming out v. v. soon now!
Really good righting this in the dark so my parents don't konw. I'd love to read more ~Ginny W.~
Author's Response: lol I do that too! Thanks You should be able to if I ever manage to get it validated :)
Aww, that was cute!
Author's Response: :) Thanks a lot!
Omg, you left it at sort of a cliffie, please hurry up and update because i love the story
Author's Response: hahahahaha! The next chapter is on the way... :)
Nice kiss. lol
Author's Response: :) thanks!
Author's Response: why thank you! teehee
I like dis story! It is currently in my faves :-) You seem to have an entertaining plot and I await the next chapter! (I must be feeling surges of vocabulary today, I am typing (and speaking) quite nicely. lol... x0x0
Author's Response: Thanks a lot!
It was a pretty good chapter, except I don't think that Remus would've told Lily about his furry little problem. Maybe, maybe not. Whatver. Good story!
Author's Response: Thanks:) I needed to give a reason why Lily would fully trust James, so I thought that Remus' problem would sort it out. I think that Remus was more likely to tell her than any of the others, so that's just how it worked out!
I really liked it! Let me know when chapter six is out!!!!! 10/10, so keep it up!
Author's Response: Thanks - I'll try to keep it up!
I like this story because it doesn't seem like the usual lily and her friends hook up with the marauders...I'm not saying that I don't like those fics (I DO!) but this seems different and I like it! I wonder who it is (his name) that Carmen likes...xoxo
Author's Response: Thanks - my main aim for this story was to be original, and not mimic others of it's kind. So your comment has lifted my spirits imensely - cheers!
That was cute! Brother+best friend, that happened to me once, it was really creepy. This is a great fic! So, update asap!
Author's Response: ta for the review!
that was cute, and remus is such a great friend....and carmen isn't being as supportive as she should to sarah's romance with her brother...but on the other hand, i totally understand where carmen is coming from, your best friend and brother...bizarro. anyway, loved it, so update soon!
Author's Response: Cheers for that review - chapter 6 should be finished soon, fingers crossed!