ya got 2 love mrs. weasly!!!!!!
I am glad someone is wrighting about Hermione's family, so little is mentioned about them. You did a good job in how Hermione reacted, seemed true to character.
Great story. I actually started to choke up for a second there.
First off, the way you string sentences together is very clear and easy to follow, you guide the reader which is definitely a great talent. I liked the way you described how Hermione's parents thought of their daughter, and how you described Hermione herself. You used a difficult subject (death) which is sometimes hard to write. One of the things that I would recommend is use emotional adjectives only when absolutely needed. For instance if you use "aching" all the time, when someone dies and you use the word "aching" it's not going to have the same affect as when you use it out of the blue. Since this whole story is about death, it is difficult to differentiate between the various levels of grief. You might consider creating more of an incision, more subtlety, more development. Overall: Good job!
Great story; I loved it a lot. Reading the summary, I have to admit that at first I thought you would be writing about Harry and Ron, but I can see how the parents make sense. Using the parents also makes the story even more original than it already is as well. It was such a sad story, but the characterization was completely realistic and believable, which I think is sometimes one of the most difficult aspects for writers to achieve, and you've done so perfectly. Again, great story, and sad, just like it needs to be.
I look forward to reading more of your works, as this one was really good.
I love the way you described the emotion in this. Very realistic, and the little 'speech' at the end that she was saying to her parents ... that's realistic as well. I just have a few things to point out: She found she couldn’t cry no more. It should be 'She found she couldn't cry anymore'. The windy air plus the cold blowing snow didn’t feel nice at all as you stood there. The last bit of that sentence, 'as you stood there', should be 'as she stood there.' Overall, that was a very good piece. Good job! =)
wow . . . wow that was amazing!! it was so short but u got so much in it was just fantastic . . .but still very sad
I liked it. It wasn't too long, and it had an original plot line. 8/10
That story was amazing! I love that it was so short, but yet gave so much detail! I hate reading those fanfics that go on forever and never end and we all have to wait for updates and whatnot... its rather annoying, but yours was great! =)
That was a very well written story. I think you captured the emotion there very well. She bawled her eyes out and then she went numb; personally, that's nearly exactly how I felt after my grandmother passed away. I thought it was a tad rushed, but considering it's a one-shot, I suppose that's alright. Anyways, great writing! It was a touching read.
Author's Response: Thank you. Yes I felt the same way when my grandpa died. I was just bawling my eyes out and after a while, there was like nothing left to cry. And yes it was a tad bit rushed. When I wrote it down at first (on pen & paper) it ws really rushed. I tried to slow it down as slow as I could by adding the journal entry and other parts etc etc, but it only made a slight difference.
3275re765465436664!!!i luv it.
Author's Response: lol, do you like numbers? I'm glad you like it. =)
Very good! Very well written!!
Author's Response: Aww, I'm glad you liked it. Thnx for the review =)
Very well done. Excellent story, very well written and wonderful to read. Keep writing, you're very good at it!
Author's Response: Aww thank you. I'm glad you liked it =)
Oh, my God. I'm, like, bawling my eyes out!!!! That was so beautifully written!!!!!
Author's Response: Aww, lol didn't mean to make you cry. But glad you liked it; thnx for the review =)
Oh this was so sad. Poor Hermione. I thought it was going to be Harry and Ron she would be saying goodbye to. So to learn that it was her parents completely caught me off guard.
You did a fantastic job on this. Bravo.
Author's Response: Aww, glad you liked it. And yeah, you're not the only one who has thought that it was Ron and Harry, lol. But thanks for the review =) You rock!
Well, by the summary I had assumed that Hermione was going to say good-bye to Harry and Ron, not her parents. That said, it was a very touching story and I think that we don’t hear enough about the Grangers. I am glad that you mentioned when Hermione received her letter to Hogwarts, I have often wondered how they would react in that moment but you are right, I think that they would have noticed that Hermione was far from being a normal child.
A few points you may want to consider: When she is writing in her diary, I’m not really sure that it is fitting that she sign her name at the end. I never did when I kept a diary but I guess some people do. Also, when she receives the letter announcing her parent’s deaths it is very rare for them to begin with “dear.” Most formal letters simply state the name of the individual to whom they are addressed. Also, “It is our regret” reads a little strangely, it may be better as “We regret…” or “The Ministry…”
She found she couldn’t cry no more. It seemed like her eyes had leaked all its tears … Hermione just stood there, facing the front, with a face full of emotion. The windy air plus the cold blowing snow didn’t feel nice at all as you stood there. But Hermione could no longer tell if the weather was hot … or cold.
This paragraph is a little, well, odd. First, “she found she couldn’t cry no more” should really be “she found she couldn’t cry any more.” You could join up the first part of the second sentence to the first like this: “She found that she couldn’t cry anymore; it seemed like her eyes had leaked all their (she has two eyes, their sounds better than its) tears.” The second part of the second sentence can really stand on its own. The third and last sentences could be joined together as well like this: “The windy air and the cold blowing snow didn’t feel nice at all as she (sounds better than you, and the reader really isn’t a part of the story) stood there, but Hermione could no longer tell what the weather was like (the ellipses between hot and or cold are a little out of place here, perhaps phrasing it this way works better?)
Taking one last look at the place where her parents now lay, resting in peace, Hermione walked away, already feeling the large hole in her heart, becoming stronger once again.
This last paragraph has the power to evoke a lot of emotion but I think it needs a little help with punctuation. The last part of the sentence also doesn’t make much sense, is the hole in her heart getting stronger or is she? May be something like this would work:
Taking one last look at the place where her parents now lay resting in peace, Hermione turned and walked away. Though she still felt the large hole in her heart, she also felt herself becoming stronger once again.
Overall I think you have a great story with a lot of power behind it. You did a great job at addressing how Hermione would feel if this ever did happen, sometimes in canon I forget that she has parents. I think with some small changes it could be even better. I hope I have helped!
Author's Response: Go figure, lol, I knew there'd be mistakes. I didn't have anyone beta it. So yeah. And after I had written the summary, I was like OKay this sums it up pretty well, but then I thought, what if people think it's Ron and Harry dying? But I just left it how it was. lol. But glad you liked it; and yeah you did help. Thanks for the very long review; made my day =)
awwwwwwww. that made me cry so hard!!! this is so good it hurts. please keep writing, cause i am still bawling and that always means its good
Author's Response: lol aww, really? I didn't mean for it to make you cry. Glad you liked it =)