aww, that story was gorgeous! I am such a fan of the fluff, and i absoulutly love all the little touches like the galleon with the stain! Angelina is so lucky!
(i know it is fanfic, but sometimes i like to think these things really happened!) well done, and i really hope you continue writing more, one shots espeshialy as i cant seem to read anything longer than 2 chapters!
Nice, really nice. I like seeing Fred as an individual and also investigating Angelina's character more, as she seems overlooked in the books. Great work.
i'm typing under a friend's name but i'd like to say this is a beautiful story!, EXCELLENT what a great idea, the fact that things like fred and george leaving it would affect other characters is a nice idea, just practice your grammer as another review suggests and it will be PERFECT!
Okay, sadly, I suck at grammar, so I can't be nit-picky and help you, but I can give support! I loved this story, I thought it was beautifully well-written and I don't want to say cute (that makes it sound like a cliche)... but there was something about it that made it like... cute. Sorry. You should totally add more to this!!! I'll be wondering about what happens until you do!!! 12/10 from SiriuslyInLuvWithSirius
That's adorable. I love the way you reused the Galleon idea for the snitch. There’s a couple of minor mistakes and a few small things to help smooth some lines out that you might try.Angelina Johnson was lounging on her bed, a photo album opened in her lap, tears falling down onto the paper.
Some nitpicking here: “Lounging” seems to suggest relaxation or laziness. Just “sitting” works a bit better. Also, you can say “open” instead of “opened,” it works the same way but sounds slightly easier. The other thing is that photo albums don’t usually have actual paper, so “pages” might be a better substitute. (Told you I was being nitpicky.)
Angelina was wearing along white and silver robes , her hair loose on her shoulders.
“Long” instead of “along” goes here.
She started to cry again, this time she was sobbing.
That’s a bit awkward. You might try something like: “She started to cry again, sobbing this time” or “She started to cry again, harder.” (The first one is more like what you started with, the second flows better.)
That picture had been taken in his dormitory, in his bed, the day they lost their virginities to each other.
“Virginities” is just an awkward word. Try: “That picture had been taken in his bed, the day they had first slept with each other. The first time either of them had slept with anyone.” It gets rid of “virginities” and also helps emphasize the fact that they were in fact virgins.
The last thing is the very last line, I knew he couldn’t have left like that You forgot the period at the end.
I like your approach to a novel storyline. Write more, it’s good!
Author's Response: Thanks a lot for your review, I really need people to be as nitpicky as you were coz I'm not mothertongue and need to know what I can improve Thanks
