i love this story -glamorgrl111
Hey, nice story. The only thing you could do to make it better, is to use more contractions. When you say things like, "“She has talked very little,” he continued, “And the only times in which she has talked always about you. ‘Harry said this,’ or ‘Harry did this,’ or ‘Harry and I,’ it is getting frustrating. The rest of the time it is just grunts and mumbles.""
Some of it sounds very unnatural in speech. Instead of someone saying 'it is', they would usually just say 'it's', non? But it's good, I'm just very nit-picky.
even though its not very far on, i really like you're story, esp the first chapter. update soon!
Author's Response: Thanks!!! More to come...
I really enjoyed reading this. You have a very strong sense of plot, and I have an idea that you know where you headed with this! Keep it up...wasn't exactly what I expected from something listed under "Romance" fanfic, but very good nonetheless!
Author's Response: There will be more H/G and R/Hr down the road... stay tuned!
You've done an incredible job here. What a way to start Book 7! We have the intriguing history of Godric's Hollow, cameos from both Salizar and Godric himself, and the tale of the fateful Halloween night from a Muggle's eyes. Brilliant. Here you have a very, very strong introduction to your story—one that is reminicient of JKR's own way of opening her tales.
Not only do you have a strong structure, but you have a wonderful way of writing. I see that you are trying to imitate Jo's style, but I also think you have a strong voice of your own. I'm very interested in seeing what you can do for later chapters.
I'm just curious about one thing. Gryffindor and Slytherin lived about 1000 years ago, yet certain things about the way you describe their town hit me as more modern. For instance, pubs were usually “Inns” that doubled as taverns, and I don't believe that medieval towns had mayors... I might be wrong, though :)
I just have a couple nitpicks: He presented a very fierce look upon his face at times, and was rumored to carry a stick in his right hand at times, about eleven inches in length. you say “at times” twice in this sentence. I suggest just deleting the second, or inserting “often” in there.
A weird since on calmness and coldness filled the room, only to be replaced by more screams. I'm guessing you meant, “A weird sense of...”
“Now young Potter. You look extraordinarily like Prongs. Except, you have your mother’s eyes. But, alas, I have no more time for you. AVADA KEDAVRA!!!” For some reason, this doesn't sound like Voldemort to me. I'm just being very picky here, but I think that your story is so wonderful in almost every way, so Voldemort's characterisation here just kind of jarred me. I imagine him saying something a bit more evil and toying... for example: “Now young Potter,” he hissed, “your sneaky little parents are dead, and there's no one here who can save you. See, you existing is a bit of a problem, a problem that I plan on disposing of very soon.”
But truly, even with the nitpicks, you've got a truly wonderful beginning here. I'm definitely adding this to my favorites, and will be looking for more from you in the near future!
Author's Response: Thanks! I'll fix the grammatical problem right now... I was surprised to get any reviews today as this story has been up for weeks, I just submitted chapter 2, and it must be far down on the list! I had a heck of a time getting Voldy to do what I wanted to do... A hard characted to write about. This chapter has everything to do with the rest of the story, and I have written up to chapter 7 already. Once again - thanks!!!
Author's Response: Sorry, typo, character, not characted.
interesting.. sad to think about their lives ending that way, but it had to happen.. awaiting the next chapter! good job :-)
Author's Response: Yeah, I couldn't exactly make them die without any pain. Thanks! More to come.