MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: harrypotterfan12345 (Signed) · Date: 06/06/09 13:22 · For: Assessing the Damage
I love it! keep going please!

Name: ginnylils (Signed) · Date: 02/16/08 6:37 · For: Assessing the Damage
I love your writinig,its just...there is too much crying and tears, especially from the male side. I mean I like men showing emotions and all that,I have no problem with them crying, sometimes its nice,but not that much. If it coul be a bit less it would be great! And could you write another about what it was like before they married? Thanks

Name: HermioneG_GinnyW (Signed) · Date: 02/15/08 10:53 · For: Assessing the Damage
Hello! OMG I love this story and it was the first fanfic I ever read! When are you going to update it though? It's been like 6 months or somthing!

Name: book babe (Signed) · Date: 12/09/07 17:44 · For: Assessing the Damage
i absoutly love this story
i really do!
keep writing

Name: pandafan81 (Signed) · Date: 12/08/07 19:24 · For: Assessing the Damage
And yet one more review for the day!

First of all, the description of all the gifts, tokens and bribes that Ginny has had to endure over the last week is hysterical. If not overwhelming to Ginny herself.

Thank you for saving the world. I am very happy that you did not die and that
you killed Lord Voldemort. Someday I hope to be just like you. Or my dad. But mostly like you.

This letter is so sweet. And very in character for a young kid who would draw with crayons. My only crit is that a small boy probably wouldn't say Voldemort, if he's growing up in a magical family (as he obviously is) he would more than likely call him You-Know-Who as he picked it up from his parents. Unless the family is an Order supporter... but even then, most still called him You-Know-Who.

I know I’ve told this a million times, but you saved the world…literally.
Should read: I know I've told you a million times...

Ginny lifted herself up out of her chair and stepped onto Harry’s lap.
Ouch, poor Harry! You should probably say: ...and settled into Harry's lap...

The letter from Dietrich Markindorv is completely heartwarming. This is some of your best writing! He conveys his hope and peace with freedom. Without being overly mushy or cliched. It comes right from the heart, and even with these short lines you have developed a character with depth. Excellent work!

Coming back to life was an exhausting business.
The perfect ending and synopsis of this chapter. A point that you've made very well in so few words.

I am, of course, sad to see the story coming to an end. But again, happy that you've brought Harry back from the dead. Given him back his family and his life, while exercising his past. I am, as always, a fan of your work and can't wait to see how you bring this lovely little story to fruition!

Name: pandafan81 (Signed) · Date: 12/08/07 18:49 · For: Telling Stories and Teaching
I love the start of this story. Harry informally talking about his experiences with his students. I believe Harry would take the approach to teaching, like he did with the DA. Talk plainly and admit that fear is not something to be ashamed of. Of course Harry would be afraid it would be silly to claim otherwise. Although, I think the last sentence: I was afraid that I would never get to see James or Ginny again. is a bit too informal for teaching. He would more likely say: My wife and son, or my family.

...the cause of evil and the pursuit of power had enveloped their souls deeper than anticipated...
Very powerful image, both beautiful and horrifying.

Now let’s get back to the Burrow so you can give Ginny a great, big, passionate...high five.”

“Ginny Weasley, eh, Potter?” She called in a dark, scratchy voice. “And a child? How could we have missed that? Thanks for the tip!”
Okay, so I like the idea of Ginny and James being hidden from the Death Eaters, and them finding out by an unguarded comment. But Bellatrix's response here sounds too much like a cartoon villian. I understand that she's excited to have new informaion and location, but I don't think she would blasse. Especially after losing Voldemort. I think her response would be more of revenge: "You have taken what is precious from me, Potter, and now you will pay." Or something to that effect.

"Dammit!” Harry screamed, shooting a furious glare towards the ignorant wizard that had given away the location of all the Order members that had stayed behind.
Actually, Fred announced that they were headed back to the Burrow.

He tried to shout a countercurse, but the blazing green light smashed her straight in her side, right into her lungs and she launched backwards to the ground.
Green lights are associated with the killing curse.

The battle scene definately makes me sense the chaos and fear that Harry is experiencing. But it is hard to follow where everyone is.. The continuity doesn't really flow. Harry is upstairs, at the window, but then sees Ginny in another window? Then he runs downstairs, and sees Arthur.. but is he inside or out. And then everyone runs back inside with Ginny. The energy of the scene is perfect, but I need some more details to follow the character's movements.

...drove their enemies away from the Burrow and ran back towards the inside of the house.
"towards the inside is another odd phrasing. I would say: ran back into the house.

The timing seems off when Harry is trying to revive Ginny. If it took her 4 whole minutes to recover enough to speak, I think Harry would have noticed the bleeding beforehand. Instead, I would say it seemed like an eternity for her to answer.

It’s madness like this because they’re like a bunch of chickens that have just had their heads whacked.
Excellent image, but you used this in the last chapter. Something I normally wouldn't pick up on, but having just read the last one, it seems too repetitive.

He nodded his head and approached his unconscious sibling, swept her in his arms and disapparated as Harry headed out.
If the anti-apparation spell had been taken down, then you need to state so. Otherwise, no one should be able to apparate in or out within 2 miles, as you stated before.

...and write one page about the one defense spell you want to learn most...
You should use "inches" or "scroll" for essays that Harry assigns.

Ahh... I liked the conversation between Harry and McGonagall at the end. And yes, I think Harry should probably teach a little more and tell a few less personal stories ;)

Another fantastic chapter, and I eagerly go on to the next!

Name: pandafan81 (Signed) · Date: 12/08/07 16:42 · For: Please Welcome, Professor Potter
I'm so happy when I check in with my favorite serial stories and find I have a few chapters to catch up on. You, like always, paint a vivid story. The characters are believable and dialouge flows naturally. I have a few things to point out, and then I'll get back to my gushing...

She could feel her hands beginning to shake, but she had committed to herself not to let on that she was just as scared as he was.
Although I like this image, of Ginny being so committed to this cause, but I don't think the phrase "committed to" really fits here. The sentence would flow clearer if it read: ...she had promised herself...

No sense in them both running about like chickens.
I like this sentence as a follow up, but the saying goes: running around like chickens with their heads cut off
Although a gruesome image it is jarring not to finish the full saying.

Inasmuch as we’ve adored Professor Lupin and enjoyed his time with us here at Hogwarts, a time comes for every person that directs towards a new adventure.
This is a confusing phrase. I understand what Hermione is trying to say, but it doesn't flow naturally. Perhaps trying: "a time comes for every person to embark on a new adventure."

Hermione bobbled eloquently
I think you were going for the word: babbled. But even babbled doesn't seem to fit here. Hermione always has a purpose when she speaks formally. I would say: "Hermione stated eloquently".

“As we say good-bye to such an esteemed educator, I ask that we remember the glorious moments, the laughter, the tears, the times we failed, the times we succeeded…and the way that Professor Lupin was with us through it all,”
YES! This is so Hermione!

It is with great pride that I offer one last word from Remus before we celebrate his many years with us and this new life he’s taking forward.
Hermione is talking to the student body, so she would address him as Professor Lupin

He could see their smiles, watch them opening presents beneath a large, green tree, laughter ringing through the building and he inhaled the sweet scent of victory.
You have an amazing picture here. His enthusiam to be with Ginny, James and their new baby, for holidays and big events like meetin their children at the train sation. But "building" should be replaced with home. It would give the image a much more... homey feeling to it.

The magical world is an exquisite place, full of curiosity and imagination, with infinite new spells, charms bobbles waiting to be discovered.
There's that word "bobbles" again, and it doesn't really fit cut the word completely.

The tension was thicker than a pool of twisting black tar…Harry writhed in his robes.
AMAZING imagery here! Excellent use of showing us what is happening and how Harry feels, rather than telling us.

Every eye was fixed, every jaw was either rolling on the floor or sealed tightly shut.
Again, excellent imagery. But I don't know about jaws rolling on the floor. I think I would say something like: every jaw had either hit the floor or...

I love Hermione and James' responses to Harry showing up to Hogwarts. But I find the timing a little ill. I think it's rather cruel that Lupin, Ginny, and McGonagall all know that Harry is coming to teach, but they don't bother to tell the rest of the staff? Hermione deserved to know beforehand, instead of the spectacle in the Great Hall. I think her reaction was perfect, but perhaps should have taken place in the Headmistress' office before the feast. And I understand surprising the student body, They definately would not be expecting this, but James also should have been informed beforehand.

Students whistled and teachers clapped like they had twelve sets of hands.
Yes! I love it! I can hear the uproar and exhaultation! I love the image that each student clapped like they had twelve sets of hands!

...McGonagall stood to her feet from her place at the Teacher’s Table, calling the room back to order.
"stood to her feet" is an odd phrase. It would make more sense if she simply "stood".

He was set between Remus and Hermione...
Replace "was set" with "sat": He sat between Remus and Hermione...

You really have a grasp on showing us the images you have created, rather than telling us. Students cheer with 12 sets of hands, the tension was as thick as tar... all amazing ideas. This is really your stregnth. I would work on cutting out "to be" words like: was, that and had to stregnthen your verbs. And watch out for run-on sentences. But otherwise your story is as enjoyable as ever!

Name: imlikeginny (Signed) · Date: 11/14/07 22:22 · For: Assessing the Damage
wow, this is a very interesting story. i hope it has many more chapters! thank you... when i get stressed i get online and read and this has kept me at bay... well, until i have to face the world again anyway!thank you again. continue on the good work tho, please.

Name: imlikeginny (Signed) · Date: 11/14/07 20:32 · For: Assessing the Damage
wow, this is a very interesting story. i hope it has many more chapters! thank you... when i get stressed i get online and read and this has kept me at bay... well, until i have to face the world again anyway!thank you again. continue on the good work tho, please.

Name: ragge (Signed) · Date: 11/01/07 14:54 · For: Assessing the Damage
good job, missed you!!! ttyl!

Name: water_engel (Signed) · Date: 10/14/07 17:55 · For: Assessing the Damage
I love this fanfiction!!! keep adding more chapters...update soon!!

Name: ardam (Signed) · Date: 10/11/07 15:59 · For: Assessing the Damage
unbelivablely brilliant,great story and well written,is there a sequel?

Name: moody s friend (Signed) · Date: 10/03/07 13:03 · For: Assessing the Damage
Great story,you are a good writer.Your version of the aftermath of the great battle is very good.Keep writing and update soon.

Name: moody s friend (Signed) · Date: 10/03/07 13:03 · For: Assessing the Damage
Great story,you are a good writer.Your version of the aftermath of the great battle is very good.Keep writing and update soon.

Name: liveonluna (Signed) · Date: 09/27/07 17:45 · For: Assessing the Damage
Wow. I can't beleive its almost over. But great story. I loved the letters that you wrote.. one happy and one darker. But both were good! I can't wait for the last chapter!! =D

Name: DobbyElf (Signed) · Date: 09/27/07 11:55 · For: Assessing the Damage
This is an awesome story. I started reading it the other day, and have found myself thinking about it constantly. So I am anxiously awaiting the end...

Name: lowveldgirl (Signed) · Date: 09/26/07 2:16 · For: Assessing the Damage
very good. I love your writing style!!! Update soon!!! :)

Name: luv4harryginny (Signed) · Date: 09/25/07 21:02 · For: Assessing the Damage
I was thrilled to see and read your update...waiting anxiously for you last chapter.

Name: Pottergirl (Signed) · Date: 09/25/07 20:44 · For: That Secrets Would Be Revealed
He's BAAAAACK!!!! LOL!!! 10/10

Name: BeeBlack (Signed) · Date: 09/25/07 19:47 · For: Assessing the Damage
Cool!!! I was soooooooooo anxious waiting for an update!!! Thanks!!! hehe

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