Hey Miel! I don’t think I’ve read any of your poetry before. This is really great! And I love how you had the contrast between Barty Jr.’s song and Barty Sr.’s song. Just a few little nitpicks…
Snow was falling outside, Barty Crouch Jr. shivered…
Maybe replace that comma with a period?
“Dear, he had it coming. He knew the consequences of his action,” the man by her side tried to soothe her.
I’d suggest actions there instead of action.
His eyes hardened as he watched the youth within the Dark cell. “He’s no longer a son of mine.”
I wouldn’t capitalize dark here.
The couple left Azkaban, Bartemius Crouch Sr. looked up towards one of the cell windows…
Again, I’d replace that comma with a period. Otherwise, really great, Miel, you really captured the essence of Jr.’s twisted mind and how Sr. felt and the amazing contrast between the two.
(And I hope that made sense.)
Wow. Very clever and dark. The ending made me shiver... Well done!
WOW! That is all.
Author's Response: Thank you :)
This is really good. I can't find many good fics regarding Barty Crouch Jr., and this one is really well done.
Author's Response: Thanks although I can't take all the credit... Forum challenges and and twisted mind does produce strange results. :)
Awwww.... 9/10 (some grammar mistakes)
Author's Response: Don't I know it *laugh* I'd make an awful English teacher
very interesting, though of Jr's song i only read day 12, and of Sr's day 4. A very good recreation of the event, though I'd suggest staying in one tense. (He clasp his hand onto hers for he knew he will not be able to do so). Maybe that's a typo, I don't know. But otherwise, that was awesome!!!!!
Author's Response: *wince* I still get plenty of typo errors ... despite reading and checking twice *laugh*
This story was chilling and very well-written. The song parts, most especially the second one, were incredible, in a morbid sort of way. You did a wonderful job portraying the madness of Barty Crouch Jr.
Author's Response: *laugh* what can I say ... people sometimes accuse me of being morbid and insane. Although never thought I could relate to Barty Crouch Jr.
Author's Response: :)
Awww...poor Mrs. Crouch. I wonder what happened to Barty to make him the way he is. This was really well done, by the way. I liked that you used the 12 Days of Christmas song twice.
Author's Response: Wonder on the same thing ... guess some people are just twisted regardless of their upbringing :)
So sad. So very sad. The end is........wow. the beginning is.....wow.
I'll get back to you when I think of some good words.
Author's Response: *lol* thanks ...
Well done! I like your prose a lot better than your poetry, but the poetry was not bad. The second one -- from Barty Sr. to his son -- is the best one. The first one does a good job of showing the demented inside of the boy's head, but the second is better poetry and better emotionally.
"A woman by the shadows listened tears welled —up her eyes." You need another word somewhere. I suggest an "as" between "listened...tears." Also, you don't need a dash in "welled up", just a space.
The ending is the best part. It's so very sweet and sad -- though Barty Jr. is the focus, Mrs. Crouch is the heroine.
Author's Response: Thanks. I shall go correct that. :)
The tragedy of Mrs Crouch - she saved a son not worth saving ... then again she's a mum ...
ROFL i was singing that when i was in the car on the way back fomr Holz, and my family was looking at me like i was crazy... except my Dad. Your story was the first story he read on MN, he hasn't even read mine yet! *grumble* oh ell, shows i have a standard to step up to!
Author's Response: *lol* I'll bet they would. It's a pretty deranged song *L*
Your dad reads FF? That's more than what most dad does.
You ought to give him the guilt trip on not reading yours *lol* No need to worry, your story's got a great plot and characterization. It's more original ^_^ me - I just used an established story and tinker around with it. :) Just need a basic framework to focus on :)
How sad, Miel. I was singing it out loud! LOL I tend to be a bit nutty sometimes ;) I really enjoyed this story, thers not hint of bad grammer here!It's amzing how mnay stories you've chruned out in the last year, really it is, and I would like to this of this as one of the best oens i have ever read! Well done, my friend!
Author's Response: Thanks Steph. I find it hard to believe how much I churned out as well. I guess the forums does bring this out. Those little contests and a little push from my forum housemates. Their competitiveness does push me to want to compete as well ^_^
Wow @_@ you've read everyone of my work. I can't ask for a better Christmas present ^_^ Thank you and Merry Christmas!
What? How is it I read this ages ago, loved it, and didn't review?! Bad Amanda!!! Thank you again for all of your help! You are an amazing writer and a good fanfic friend! Merry Christmas!
Author's Response: No biggie. Am just as bad in procrastinating reviews *lol* Come 21st when I have no beta tasks and finished (hopefully) my shopping ... I'll expect to get on reviewing :)
Very good! I really enjoyed your view of Barty Crouch, Jr. (It was quite realistic.) Also, the way you had Crouch, Sr. continue on with his version of the song was wonderful, and also very unique. It shows the difference between the father and the son, and adds a certain "something" (not quite sure what, though), to the story. Again, good job!
Author's Response: Thanks. Glad to hear you enjoyed this some-what dark Christmas tale. :)
Very, very good, Nutty, well done! You kept the rhythm of the original quite perfectly. I alo liked the way that you carried on the idea with Barty Crouch senior, but that his version only stretched for a few days. This seemed fitting and seemed to underlivne the fact that Mrs Crouch only lived for a short while after she switched with Barty junior. Very good - best of luck with the challenge.
Author's Response: Thanks Alison! You're the first one who noticed and said something about how I cut-offed the second song ^_^ Appreciate the support :)
When I first read opened this ff and I started to read the first line I expected to see a cheerful humorous rendition of the 12 days of Christmas from a Death Eater PoV.
Instead I found a chilling and admittedly frighteneing look into the deranged mind of a boy whose mother was prepared to die for him, despite all he had done wrong.
I can't pretend it wasn't unnerving, especially the way you included the interaction between Crouch Sr. and his wife. It was uncomfortable reading but I was gripped to the last line when Crouch looks up to his son's window...
I think this ff is an excellent example of how quantity of words makes no difference to the quality. The way you managed to make me feel all of the above in such a short space of time proves the talent you obviously have. Very well done, and I think this ought to win, or at least to extremely well in the Holiday Challenge. Undoubtedly a 10
Author's Response: I honestly didn’t think it was that disturbing. (goes to show that I’m slightly deranged as well *lol*) … -- maybe it’s time I do put in a warning for people who expects good fun and Christmassy tale. ^_^
Thanks for that great review. Truly encouraging … and a sign that I really ought to go find a shrink *snicker*
I must say I hadn't expected something as complex in its simplicity for this challenge. I had anticipated humor, and there was some in it, but more then anything I found a touching moment, that was sincere and honestly moving. If ever people think they cannot convey powerful emotions with few words they can look at this as an example/inspiration.
The first song was priceless, I was singing along as I read it, the first few lines made me chuckle at the novelty, but as I continued going down the song, the images were sadder and more distressing. Children wailing was one that particularly upset me. As the days went by, within the song, the body to be buried haunted me, each time it appeared it seemed more sadistic. The echo effect of the song aided the idea of Barty Crouch Jr. going insane. The repetition was maddening, and I could imagine in the empty halls of the Azkaban the crazed voice screaming out.
The conversation between his parents was beautifully written. Again what I enjoyed most about this piece of fiction was the restraint you had, you didn’t saturate the page with descriptions of emotions or mood enhancers, instead you tried to withhold the feelings of your characters. You showed the opposition of two parents, the mother who loves unconditionally, and the father who is disappointed. But both share the ultimate pain of a lost son, not just physically but mentally and spiritually. For me this was where my breath caught and I felt in awe of the simple story.
The circle effect given to the fiction by starting and ending the story with the song worked nicely. It gave a nice a nice feeling of a resolution while still leaving it open ended. I was pleased that it was the father that sang or rather thought the song instead of the mother. The only problem I had with it was a typo and a confused moment. In the last part you have the song going “will gave to you” I think, though I could be terribly wrong, its “will give to you”. That and I didn’t understand why she was giving up two strands of hair. But really these are minor problems to a wonderfully written story.
Lovely entry and you really are showcasing our house. Proud to have you in Gryffindor and SPEW.
Author's Response: Thanks for the correction, Ksenia. I’m obviously pretty sloppy when it comes to betaing my own work *lol* you’re the second person to catch my glaring mistakes on this fic. (That’s 2 major errors for such a short piece *L*)
I know what you meant about repetition. It was driving me crazy while I was typing it as well *L*.
I did initially did intend to write humour… unfortunately I was in a ‘sick’ frame of mind … having nightmares about bugged-eyed creatures (okay no one want to hear of that)…
The strand of hair? I was thinking of the polyjuice potion… I guess I ought to make that clearer ^_^ (will have to figure out the hows on that.
Thanks for the well-thought out review Ksenia. So thorough was it, that I worry that you may have given this more thought that I did (and I’m the writer).
I liked it. I think I'll sing the first song to my brother's friend. Maybe not. Good job!
Author's Response: ^_^ Thanks.
WOW... I loved it. That is all I can say. You deserve to win, no Q's asked! 10/10
Author's Response: Thanks AOD ^_^.