Great poem. I think one of the things you did well was the flow. Even though some lines needed a bit of thinking before I really understood what you were getting at(like the part where Draco and Narcissa suddenly appear, which isn't bad by the way, it just threw me off a bit for some reason) it still flowed so well, I had this rhythm in my head while reading.
I also loved the way you integrated the speech within the poem. It really worked. As for criticism I have nothing to add to what nutty and CA said. Great poem.
That was very good! I really enjoyed reading that and I like the way you rhymed it. You didn't have any of those silly rhymes that some poets have. I have no constructive criticism for this piece :D I hope you write more!
Ooh, I like this one. I agree with much of what nutty said, but I'd have to disagree with "purity's a fame." I think it's fine the way it is.My only other complaint with this poem is a little bit of the scanning. I know it's hard to get it exactly right, though, and goodness knows I don't have any bright ideas on how to make it work better. *is stupid*
I have to reiterate one thing that nutty said: the contrast of purity of blood and purity of soul. That was just such a great connection, I have to mention it again.
Just because I am the Arithmancy expert, I will arithmanticate your title. Toujours Pur - On Being a Black = 2. Now, er, make of that what you will, if you want to put any stock in it at all. ^_^Have a nice day! *D*
I am the silly rhymer,
One of the Jury member.
This is a unique style and concept I like how you justapose the Black's idea of purity to the purity on one's soul.
Onwards to the suggestions and criticisms ... Don't worry it's not much :)
“I’ve heard it’s in your house that purity’s fame.” Is a bit confusing... maybe instead use: "“I’ve heard that in your house, purity's a fame.”“That’s right,” I replied, as we walked further still, This seemed a bit forced and the word kill can be interpreted in different ways ... at first I though you figuratively meant the disowning of Sirius... I'd suggest:
“They ignored me, I ran, and then came the kill.”“That’s right,” I replied, as we walked on a bit further,
“They ignored me, I ran, and then I was accused for murder.For he next line, The second line just doesn't seem to fit well with the flow:
“Indeed it is so,” I remarked as I lay, The ‘Toujours Pur’, to keep Mudbloods away. Although it does rhyme, it just doesn't seem to go with the action. The previous lines talks of Sirius's death and this seemed to jump out of nowhere ... I's suggest: And so, from the other realm I passed away. Of course this is only a suggestion. You may choose to ignore it or find other ways for this. :)
In this type of poem the rhyme and message is more important that rhythm and you did this extremely well. You summarized Sirius's life and showed that although he is a Black, he was not like his family. For him, 'Toujours Pur' still applies, but has a different meaning altogether. It was quick for me to discern who's talking and you don't even have to tell who the conversationalists are. I really enjoyed this one.
