Reviewer: MithrilQuill
Date: 01/23/06 13:26
Chapter: Heaven is 'Always Pure'

Great poem. I think one of the things you did well was the flow. Even though some lines needed a bit of thinking before I really understood what you were getting at(like the part where Draco and Narcissa suddenly appear, which isn't bad by the way, it just threw me off a bit for some reason) it still flowed so well, I had this rhythm in my head while reading.

I also loved the way you integrated the speech within the poem. It really worked. As for criticism I have nothing to add to what nutty and CA said. Great poem.

Reviewer: Zubz2004
Date: 01/16/06 12:10
Chapter: Heaven is 'Always Pure'

That was very good! I really enjoyed reading that and I like the way you rhymed it. You didn't have any of those silly rhymes that some poets have. I have no constructive criticism for this piece :D I hope you write more!

Reviewer: Cinderella Angelina
Date: 01/08/06 19:52
Chapter: Heaven is 'Always Pure'

Ooh, I like this one. I agree with much of what nutty said, but I'd have to disagree with "purity's a fame." I think it's fine the way it is.

My only other complaint with this poem is a little bit of the scanning. I know it's hard to get it exactly right, though, and goodness knows I don't have any bright ideas on how to make it work better. *is stupid*

I have to reiterate one thing that nutty said: the contrast of purity of blood and purity of soul. That was just such a great connection, I have to mention it again.

Just because I am the Arithmancy expert, I will arithmanticate your title. Toujours Pur - On Being a Black = 2. Now, er, make of that what you will, if you want to put any stock in it at all. ^_^

Have a nice day! *D*

Reviewer: the nutty imp
Date: 11/20/05 5:38
Chapter: Heaven is 'Always Pure'

I am the silly rhymer,
One of the Jury member.

This is a unique style and concept I like how you justapose the Black's idea of purity to the purity on one's soul.

Onwards to the suggestions and criticisms ... Don't worry it's not much :)

“I’ve heard it’s in your house that purity’s fame.”
Is a bit confusing... maybe instead use: "“I’ve heard that in your house, purity's a fame.”

“That’s right,” I replied, as we walked further still,
“They ignored me, I ran, and then came the kill.”
This seemed a bit forced and the word kill can be interpreted in different ways ... at first I though you figuratively meant the disowning of Sirius... I'd suggest:

“That’s right,” I replied, as we walked on a bit further,
“They ignored me, I ran, and then I was accused for murder.

For he next line, The second line just doesn't seem to fit well with the flow:

“Indeed it is so,” I remarked as I lay, The ‘Toujours Pur’, to keep Mudbloods away.

Although it does rhyme, it just doesn't seem to go with the action. The previous lines talks of Sirius's death and this seemed to jump out of nowhere ... I's suggest: And so, from the other realm I passed away. Of course this is only a suggestion. You may choose to ignore it or find other ways for this. :)

In this type of poem the rhyme and message is more important that rhythm and you did this extremely well. You summarized Sirius's life and showed that although he is a Black, he was not like his family. For him, 'Toujours Pur' still applies, but has a different meaning altogether. It was quick for me to discern who's talking and you don't even have to tell who the conversationalists are. I really enjoyed this one.

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
The Apothecary and the Bane by Icarus Unbound 1st-2nd Years
The apothecary receives a visitor in the wizarding slums of London.
M.I.T.: Entente Cordiale by Northumbrian 6th-7th Years
A strange and seemingly inexplicable death in London's West End brings an unlikely...
Epithalamium by Squibstress Professors
Minerva McGonagall is a bright, talented witch with dreams of becoming the first...
FEATURED
Twilit Confessions by ahattab33 3rd-5th Years
After returning from Australia with the Grangers, Ron realises the moment to...
Soul Sister by hestiajones 1st-2nd Years
Ted and Andromeda have just eloped. So, they dance. A songfic featuring...
Time and Tide by minnabird 6th-7th Years
Filius has seen her all his life: the Woman. She has been drifting through time...
Footprints in the Sand by Equinox Chick 6th-7th Years
It was a summer like any other for Danny. He worked at his parents' Bed and...
Consolation by Gmariam 3rd-5th Years
For years, Remus Lupin found comfort in the arms of Rosmerta Richardson...until...
Dangerous Liaisons by eternalangel 6th-7th Years
It was a dangerous game she was playing; Dorcas Meadowes knew it, but the exhilaration...
CATEGORIES