that is really good i want to read more so whine are you going to add more to the story
I love it. Please post soon
I love it. Please post soon
I love it. Please post soon
I really like the idea of having Hermione leave the baby there and that she knows nothing about her background. Please post soon
You’ve got me intrigued! I’m curious to know why Hermione would give up her daughter, who Paige’s father is, and what the message means! You’ve created a nice little mystery here, and I can’t wait to see where all this is going!
Ellen and Paige themselves are interesting characters and have already taken on a life of their own in just three chapters. I do hope to see more of Hermione soon, of course, but I’m impressed that you are able to win over your reader’s sympathy so quickly with non-canon characters.
I did notice a few proofreading errors, but nothing big. For example, in your summary, when you ask, “Whats the significance…,” you should have “What’s” since it’s short for “What is.” I also noticed a sentence that reads kind of strangely: “Always jumpy, she was.” It might read better as simply “She was always jumpy.” Another sentence that reads wrong is “Scaring her she ran into the wood,” which should probably be “Scared, she ran into the wood.” Or “scaring her” could be tacked onto the end of the sentence preceding it. Other than that, you might check over your paragraphing as the spacing seems a little odd toward the end, especially with dialogue. (Maybe you just need to hit “enter” an extra time.)
Anyway, those were just little things and didn’t detract from the fun mystery of your story at all. You make some really interesting rhetorical choices. I particularly love the word play in the following: “She was always very protective over Paige; Paige saw it as over protective.” And you’ve really got me wondering why she feels as she does about “old men” (“she thought all old men were frightening, no matter how many loving tales her friends told her about their grandfathers.”) I’m guessing there must be some importance to that line that might have to do with her father…. I can’t wait to find out!
One last thing: just curious, but what does “bottled out” mean, as in “She nearly bottled out but the determination to reach her goal won over all fears.” I’ve never heard that phrase before. Well, as you’ve probably guessed, I really liked this and look forward to reading more!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, very much appreciated. 'Bottled out' generally means to be to scared to do something, to 'chicken' out. Hope that's helped, i'm not to great at explaining.
I’m sorry it has taken me so long to get back to this story. I promised myself that I would after reading the first chapter, and then I got distracted. You’ve set up a very interesting situation here, and I am truly enjoying your writing. Your sentences flow together nicely, and you have wonderful description. It is wonderful to stumble across a story with those characteristics.
By switching viewpoints within this chapter you’ve given the reader a nice understanding of the situation. It becomes a bit confusing, though, because we can’t really tell who’s head we’re in right away. You might try placing one character in italics, or inserting a mild page break between characters. [I would use three dashes, like this: ---] If that makes the chapter too choppy, then it can be left as it is without too much confusion.
The parts from Paige’s point of view are done very well. It’s easy to tell that the character is a young girl, and the way in which she looks at the world is very realistic for someone of that age. She is so very curious and innocent, and the world clearly revolved only around her and her grandmother.
When you looked at her face you saw a picture of happiness… This sentence, taken from the first paragraph, is a bit of a problem for me. Although it isn’t a hard and fast grammar rule, I’ve been taught that a writer should never use the word ‘you’ in narrative. It is ok if the writing is directed to one person specifically (as in this review, where I am writing to you) but it doesn’t work within stories. Because I have never seen Paige’s face, this sentence doesn’t apply to me. If you decide to change it, the sentence could be worded like this: ‘Her face was a picture of happiness.’
I found that, although Paige was very well written, Ellen seemd a bit off. Her thoughts tended towards a confustion that didn’t fit with the character I believe you’ve tried to create. Perhaps if you made her slightly more cynical, a bit more wise, and perhaps weary with the world it would help. Also, a few old fashioned phrases thrown in here and there couldn’t hurt.
But she couldn’t. Well, she could but she shouldn’t, not really. I mean the girl had a right to know where she came from, didn’t she? Well, she would find out eventually, I’m sure. Although maybe she wouldn’t be too happy with what she found. Ellen herself didn’t really understand the big deal but she wasn’t like ‘that’. Whatever ‘that’ was. You’ve switched from third person (she) to first person (I) and back within this paragraph. By italicizing thoughts (the first person parts) you can set them apart and eliminate the error.
Looking at Paige’s face, Ellen winced. She knew that look, it was her ‘who’s mummy?’ look. It usually followed with endless questions which she did her best to avoid. It was so hard! She didn’t want to lie, it was so hard to avoid the questions and she knew she disappointed with the answers she gave, they were so vague and noncommittal. It broke her heart to see those deep brown eyes fill with a look of disappointment and her little pale face that had been so lit up, all the light just drifted away. Ellen’s heart wept for her. The pronouns within this paragraph become confusing. You know who you are referring to when you say ‘she’ or ‘her,’ but the reader doesn’t. Try to replace some of the pronouns with names.
The little girl knew that her Granny wanted to answer the questions she asked, you could see by her round face looking uncomfortable and she wandered away looking depressed. There’s the ‘you’ again. I would rewrite this sentence like this: “The little girl knew that her Granny wanted to answer the questions she asked. She could tell by the discomfort on her Granny’s round face, and the way the old lady would wander away looking depressed.”
what she looked like etc Again, while technically not incorrect, using ‘etc’ in the narrative of a story isn’t good form.
I enjoyed this chapter greatly, and I can’t wait to read the next one. I hope my suggestions are helpful to you.
I love it you get 10/10
Author's Response: Thanks!
Author's Response: Thanks!
A very intriguing first chapter, and a nice start to a story. The writing is nice; I like the imagery you use. I can just see Hermione hurrying to the destination, the bundle in her arms, stopping to look at the tree.
There are a lot of questions presented, the most obvious is ‘what will happen to the baby?’ You left it on a very ominous note. It makes me wonder what journey you intend to take the reader down.
I had a hard time picturing Hermione ever abandoning her baby. That’s not to say that I don’t think your story can making it convincing; the best stories are based on improbable situations. But you’ll have to explain a truly pressing need. The reasons given in this chapter were fairly superficial—they are reasons why someone might abandon a baby, but not reasons that Hermione might. It’s an important distinction, because it makes the difference between ‘in character’ and ‘out of character.’
I hope that, in future chapters, you will take the reader beyond the simple reasons (like the scandal it might cause) and into deeper reasoning (why couldn’t she take care of it herself? Why can’t Molly help… I’m sure she’d be glad to. What, exactly, is happening in the Wizarding world?)
I have high hopes for the future of this story. I can’t stress enough that, despite my questions (and because of them) I became enthralled in the story immediately. I’ll be checking for updates, hoping to see where you lead us with this story.
Author's Response: Thank you for the long and detailed review, i really appreciate it, its nice you took the time to review my story! Hopefully in later chapters you will understand the reason for the abandonment of the baby. I will consider your questions and the answers when writing future chapters. Thanks!