I feel as if no matter how big or good my review is it cannot match up to the previous reviews. Anyhoo, I really like the start of this story. When I saw you banner in the forums I thought it would be one of them typical year sevwen fiction were they just got to school and then verse Voldemort. This is, bar far, one hundred times better. I really liked how you described the setting and the Therestal (I don't know how to spell it). I can't wait to next the next chapter. ~Seamus124
Author's Response: Oh great!!! I'm so glad to hear that! I hope you continue to enjoy the story.
Haley! It was wonderful! I hadn’t the slightest problem with the imagery here, except a slight dizziness from trying to read while the image of those twisting vines played out in my head. The description was so vivid that I could picture the castle, the vines, and the labyrinth, all dark and mysterious, more strongly that the brightly sunlit room I’m sitting in. And that is writing!
The tapestry was as compelling to the reader as it was to Harry, and the scene so intensely written. I could feel myself craning my neck upward and squinting, looking at the creature contained there. That wizard, who Harry thought was familiar, he was there in my a mind, a shadowy shape that dragged at my attention. Perhaps because I wish it so much, I saw Dumbledore there, though my second guess would be Gryffindor. My guess is that Helga Hufflepuff created that tapestry.
The labyrinth was equally vivid, disorienting walls that stretched off in all directions. The descriptions were wonderful--long before you mentioned the word ‘labyrinth’ it was in my mind, as though written in the walls somewhere. I was extremely surprised when Harry knew about it; where did they learn, and who are these people?
The chamber… I can’t even talk about that right now. I’m compelled to read further and find out, instead of commenting and guessing at the clues you’ve laid.
Author's Response: Well, well, well... it seems like you're not doing too shabby at discerning those clues of mine... *giggles*
1) Gryffindor it is ;)
2) And Hufflepuff did, as well.
I am so proud of you! You have guessed correctly at the two things which have baffled everyone else! I am immensely flattered, because this means that you are involved enough in the story to actually want to figure things out. I am so giddy right now!!!
SO, not only do you get a cookie... but you get the whole entire batch--magicked to become whatever you want them to be when they reach your mouth.
And I can't thank you enough for your praise. It means so much coming from you...
You had me hooked from the title: ‘A Horse and His Boy.’ For all that I know it’s a Narnia thing, being the horse lover that I am I was hoping to see some interaction with one, and I certainly wasn’t disappointed. The strength in this chapter is definitely the description--with your words and the tone of your writing you’ve set the scene completely. The image of Harry as a dark rider on a dark horse, flying through a storm, is set clearly in my mind.
If I had one problem with this chapter, it was with realism. I had trouble with some of the imagery, and wondered about some of the statements. Examples:
The night’s air was fierce and cold, and wrought with a heaviness that forced the Thestral to pump its dark wings with an extra ferocity. I love the first part - ‘fierce and cold,’ like the air is a living enemy. However, I don’t really understand why the Thestral has more difficulty flying. Perhaps I’m missing something, but I don’t understand the science involved there.
“You’re making brilliant time, boy,” he told the horse, though he wasn’t entirely sure of its sex. Since Thestrals have the body of a horse, this shouldn’t be a hard thing to figure out. It’s not at all difficult to tell the gender of a horse, especially if you’ve been around it for long enough to see it urinate. It’s a nitpicky detail, I know.
I’m going to guess that the storm was magically enhanced (the story is named ‘Spirits of the Storm after all…) I’m not a weather expert, but I know that in my area, thunderstorms accompany warm and humid weather, rather than the cold weather described. I almost expected Harry to notice the strangeness there.
My last point of confusion was towards the end. Right after they land, Falcor is prancing ahead, and it sounds as though Harry has dismounted. Later, though, he’s mounted again.
With that out of the way, I really enjoyed this. There were several little gems that were worthy of quoting :
The dark-haired boy felt for his horse, which he had appropriately named Falcor, but he knew also that speed and secrecy were the differences between survival and death. I like the characterization here. It’s possible to see the old Harry (who is concerned about his horse) as well as the Harry who you’ve introduced in the first few paragraphs.
Falcor made it clear he did not need Harry’s instructions, as he had clearly caught the scent. I love it. You’ve given Falcor a personality with a few lines here and there, adding some interest to the story.
I have no doubt that this story will be quite unique. By taking Harry away from the Order, Hogwarts, and the other familiar settings, you’ve given yourself a chance to make this something special, instead of just another fanfiction. I can’t wait to read on.
Hello, Haley dear. No, this is not a review to get me chapters seven and eight, this is a review I want to leave for this, for what’s here now.
You know, I thought I had read chapter six before, but it turned out my memory was tricking me and I had only read the very first bit of it. That is to say, I had not entered the Menagerie before. And what a Menagerie it is! It must be a treat for all your readers, but for someone who loves animals like I do, it’s pure heaven. Your imagination, originality and descriptions, they paint a colourful picture of this place, and with …Harry made his way across their ranks, stroking a flank here, combing a mane with his fingers there. - I can almost feel their coats, feathers and manes, almost smell their horse-like (but still not horse-like) scent. I find their reaction to Falcor very interesting, especially combined with how Harry feels about the Thestral. It’s beautiful, yet sad, how you’ve managed to write a connection between Harry (who we think of as the hero, the man of light) and the dark horse, as opposed to the creatures of light, strength and warm magic. I love this line you’ve written: While the others were beautiful, they seemed to represent a part of Harry that had long ego been erased by pain and loss. And while still in the Menagerie, I must mention the Crumple-Horned Snorkack, not that I thought you could have missed it in a place like this, in this location, but I’m still grateful that you included it. Precious little details like that serve to tie your work to JKR’s, even though this is all refreshingly original.
Speaking of JKR, I also like to see how you’re writing Harry. You’ve managed to keep a good amount of his impatience and youth, why, he’s even his rash old self. Still, I you still communicate someone more mature – yes, I think so, even if he’s under a bit of stress and pressure at the moment. :) Well, what I’d really like to tell you is that I don’t think you need to worry about writing a really good Harry if you keep it going like this!
Another interesting detail, also related to how you work with Harry, is Ginny. At the moment it seems like some fanfiction authors “forget” about her as they send Harry (or even the whole trio) off on adventures to find Horcruxes. Well, even if you’re no H/G shipper, I like to see that you deal with what’s there from canon, that you devote some time to make things more believable by letting Harry think a bit about her. (Even if it took a bit to get him to do so… >.>)
I found only two things to point out. The first one I suspect I’ll be the only one to pick up on, because it was the tricky sürstromming - the umlaut should be over the o, like this: surströmming. ;)
The second thing was in this sentence of dialogue: She's been a coma since . . . but she's safe. - I’m guessing it should be “in a coma”?
Idel is excellently superior, the Storm is intriguing and I’m dying to know what the Council has to say… In other words, I’m really looking forward to the next couple of chapters!
Author's Response: What you say about Harry -- YAY, that is exactly what I'm trying to do. And if you think so... than I know I've succeeded. Thank you so much, Anna :)
*giggles* I know I took my time getting to Ginny's story, and for that I apologise. But, I was really waiting for the right situation to come to me... and now, I have it. I didn't just want to kill her off, because to an extent, I do like her as a character.... But I also didn't want it to be what everyone was expecting. Besides... Lanette ;)
Thanks, Love, for another wonderful review. I really appreciate your devotion to this story.
I’ll try not to repeat my previous reviews, though I’m equally, if not more impressed by your writing skills. Usually, when I decide to drop off a review, I read a story twice. The first time, just reading it like I always would, and a second time with special attention to grammar and phrases, jokes, impressive scenes etc. I’ve read this chapter 4 times thus far… I mean, how do you do it? It’s great, beautiful… well you know what I’m trying to say. I’d especially like the part where Harry and Falcor where trapped into the storm the way you described this relatively short scene brings up so many pictures in my mind… The closest thing Harry could relate this to was the Muggle zoo he had visited with the Dursleys on Dudley's eleventh birthday. But of course, it was about as different from a zoo as a racing broomstick was from Aunt Petunia's mop. – This shows it, this exactly shows it. You really are a great writer. I also like the way you show how special Harry really is, that he instantly commands the respect of the horses. The Ginny (that poor girl) flashback really gives your story even more dept. Strange that you did not have more reviews so far… I could go on like this for a very long time, but well… I feel like I’ve been kissing your townails long enough now, I shouldn’t give too much of a good thing. Ginny (that poor girl) flashback really brigs your story even more dept. Strange that you did not have more reviews so far… A few notes: -not to bicker pointlessly about subjects where I am much more informed. – you have overlooked the “ at the end. (I know it’s nothing… but hey, it all helps) “Crumple-Horned Snorkack,” Idel informed him- *bellowing laughter*
Author's Response: Amangalath, I think I love you ;) Yet again you have spoiled me with a beautiful review. I'm proud to have such a faithful reader. You say it's strange that I don't have many reviews... but the truth is, I would trade 30 meaningless reviews for just one of yours. Also, I think Spirits is the sort of story that only attracts readers that want more than just a Rowling carbon-copy. It's different and eclectic, which means it attracts readers who like the different and electic fictions. There aren't as many of those out there as the ones who just go for fluff etc. But if you want to spread the word, I won't complain ;)
The next chapter is at the Beta's, so it should be up in a couple days. Check back this weekend! And as for the chapter after that, I think you've just inspired me to write it ;)
Unfortunately most of my thoughts on this story have already been said by GringottsVault711 and Fantasium, so I’ll keep this short. I can’t praise you enough for this story; it’s the kind of story that makes me thankful for the existence of fan fiction. I love the characters, enjoy the style and practically worship your story. You really have a talent here and I’m going to check daily for an update. Thank you very, very much.
Author's Response: Worship!?!? Oh goodness! Now, not only do you have me squeeing, but you're having me giggle and jump up and down as well.
"It's the kind of story that makes me thankful for...fanfiction" --> O.o wow! I mean, great! I mean... eeeee!
And yes, those darn SPEWers like to ramble ;) I sometimes have to just not read their reviews before I write mine and just hope I'm not copying everything they say. But a short review doesn't mean that your praise means any less to me... this is a beautiful review that I'll cherish for a long while.
The next chapter should be coming through soon... it's in been in the queue for a day and a half, so I expect it will be up sometime this afternoon. I hope you keep reading, your reviews truly make me smile...
Hello! This is truly a most amazing piece work. I’m almost as exited reading this as I was with the battle at the ministry chapters in Order of the Phoenix! Definitely favorite’s material. I would love to know where you get your inspiration from. This will turn out amazing, I’m sure. I especially liked the sentences “And do keep up; it is wise to always keep moving within these halls.” This suggests so much without giving anything away. Great way to create suspense. Thinking of what lay ahead only ended up aiding his piquing nerves, so Harry put that out of his mind too and instead studied the witch who led him so fiercely. – Brilliant choice of words, amazingly well written. They were a pale cream color and billowed as she walked, reminding him of ship’s sails – again, same comment as above. However, perfection is never achieved, so I have a few small things I would like to point out: There was a pregnant pause, and the witch was clearly trying to decide how much to tell this male stranger. The use of both ‘pregnant’ and ‘male stranger’ might suggest something totally unrelated. I understand what you are trying to say, it just that the choice of words might be considered a bit… Awkward. She raised her wand and murmured an inaudible spell. Why should an inaudible spell be murmured? Other then that, I hugely enjoyed the chapter, now I will speed on and start reading chapter three… Cheers! Amangalath.
Author's Response: Amangalath... wow! Thank you so incredibly much.... you've made me squee and squee and now I think my squeeing center needs to reboot. Okay wow does that sound completely lame or what?
The fact that you think that this was nearly as exciting as JKR's own work well... *giggles* I don't think there could be a higher compliment. While I do try to write with my own style, trying to master Jo's sense of writing action is quite a challenge!
My inspiration? Hard to say really... Before writing this, I was reading reading reading reading. But yet... I could never quite find that story that fit all my wants and needs. Which is when I turned to writing. I was like.... Hell, I think I'm a decent writer, so I'll just have a go and see what comes of it. So I guess I must lend my inspiration to my favorite fanfic authors, who step outside the box and create their own worlds within worlds. I also must say that reading all that fabulous fantasy out there has lended me some good ideas... for instance, you may see many references to Narnia, Eragon, the Tortall books, Lord of the Rings, and the His Dark Material books (only to name a few).
And while I'm proud to say most of the elements I've added into the story are completely of my imagination, there are still many more that have been "borrowed" and manipulated to fit my needs.
Thanks again for reviewing! It's this kind of review that makes me want to keep writing...
Haley, my love. I miss Lanette but I love this new chapter about Harry. I know I shouldn't be so hypocritical, but I'm gonna give you some little tidbits I picked up. Like, sometimes you repeat words too often and in the same sentence. I do it too and then I go back and read what I wrote thinking, "But it sounded so good!" Harry seemed to be playing up his "tragic little hero" bit a little too much, but I simply adored the way you described him. Though somehow I think it would be a little more difficult for him to see himself being that way. I feel so inconsequential for giving you such a short review, but you know I love your story almost as much as I love you. I don't know when you put this up, but Narnia was sure inspiring, wasn't it? ;-) Talk to you soon Haley dearest.
First and foremost, I want to do naughty things to [as well as with, on top of and underneath] your Harry.
“I would save the world.” Wow. Just wow – and such a Harry thing to say, too. Right up there with ‘Dumbledore’s man, through and through.’ You’ve captured his courageous spirit, his unfailing fortitude. But he is also ragged and worn – there is a part of Harry Potter that is dying, or perhaps has already passed along with the souls of his Parents, of Sirius, and of Dumbledore. There is the part that resents Voldemort, and Snape. You make references to this, and you incorporate it into his descriptions and feelings. He has the determined air of someone who has lost a great deal, and is fighting – yes to avenge, and yes to save the world – but also because there is still so much at risk
Such as Ron and Hermione. I feel content knowing where they are and what they are doing – I’m also very glad you’ve given Ron great recognition alongside Hermione. And there is the bond between Harry and both of them, a longing to be reunited, but an acceptance that it is not possible at the present time. I can’t wait to visit Ron and Hermione, and I’m also awaiting the reunion of the Trio, and hoping that Harry’s mission does not detain him too long. Of course, I’m also brought to the question of Ginny. Now, I know you have some plans for Harry/Lanette – and trust me, I will not complain if Ginny is simply shoved from Harry’s mind [or perhaps off a cliff?] – but where is she? What about Harry’s feelings concerning her? Are you planning on addressing this, or mentioning her sometime in the near future? *is ever so curious*
Your descriptions have moved from wonderful to breathtaking. Your subtle air of mystery has a lovely balance; your pace is smooth, and the story is unfolding with lovely time. Making the Reader crave more, yet giving a lovely dose of satisfaction with each installment.
So, we have the hero. We have his warrior-friends. You’ve taken Jo’s characters and shown who they are really meant to be, developed them accordingly, and have set the Reader on the path of an epic war in the making. In the background, we have the secret-advocate, Lanette – and we await her arrival in the foreground. And of course, there is the Council – fearsome, powerful, beautiful – and I can’t even imagine the help that they may [or may not] grant Harry. My questions abound: What will bring Lanette to the foreground? Do the Horcruxes still play a role in this story –when do we get to hear about them? How did Harry discover the existence of the mystical Council, learn how to find them, and will this be explained? What are Hermione and Ron doing back at Hogwarts [and how are you planning on developing their relationship]? My head is spinning, and bathtub!Harry has quickened my pulse… so I hope you’re getting a move-on with Chapter 6!
Author's Response: Ohhh Jenna you spoil me with these beautiful reviews! They are honestly the best of the best. You comment on everything I hope readers will think about. Of course I don't expect every reader to pick up on the little details I slide in there, but I'm SO glad you do. You manage to really capture truly good stuff in your observations. I mentioned once before, and I will say again, that you seem to almost understand what I'm writing better than I do. For me... it just sort of flows out that way, so I'm glad it works.
Now, with all that babbling out of my system I can address a few of your questions. When I saw you had a list I was immediately frightened. I thought... 'Oh dear, she's asking things I don't even have answers to!' But after reading them, with a sigh of relief, I realised that indeed I do have answers. Not all which I will answer right now, of course, but I'll give you a few hints because I love you.
Before our story began, a great something-or-other happened. It was because of this event that the trio realised they had to pick up the pace on their search for the horcruxes. It was also because of this event that Ginny is now lying in a coma in the old Hospital Wing. Before you ask, no, this isn't just a way to put her out of Harry's mind, because there is much more to this coma then her friends realise. *insert evil laugh here* You'll actually be seeing some of this in Chapter Six...
Okay, before I give my entire plot away, I will quickly say that I cannot thank you ENOUGH for reviewing like this. It really gives writing fanfiction a whole new meaning for me. And now... you've inspired me to work on Chapter 6.
Well hello, I imagine that you are suprised to see my review on your page. Just here to tell you a few things about this prologue here... looks like it's in near-mint condition, I suppose. You have a general fic, but with the descriptions (which were wonderful, by the way), it sounded like a darkfic. All doom and gloom. Which made me very, very happy. I could name a thousand descriptions that were representive of this, but alas, I would have to copy and paste the prologue onto the review. You conveyed the gloominess and danger quite well, and it was in a very orderly fashion, as it seemed to have a rhythmic pattern to it.
From the very first sentence of your first paragraph, "The night’s air was fierce and cold, and wrought with a heaviness that forced the Thestral to pump its dark wings with an extra ferocity.", I felt as if I were connected to your fic somehow. It just got me excited for the rest of your writing. Not to mention your second sentence, third, seventeenth- aw, you get the idea. Just some more examples: "The boy’s hair and robes were as dark as his Thestral’s mane; his skin, so drained from lack of sleep and prolonged exposure to the cold, was as pale as death." The exact same thing you would expect to find in a darkfic. Whoo! "The dark-haired boy felt for his horse, which he had appropriately named Falcor, but he knew also that speed and secrecy were the differences between survival and death." This gives some interesting insight, and helps us understand "the horse and his boy".
I also loved your regular use of imagery, as it is so poetic and powerful. My favorite being: "Another flash of lightning split the heavens, much closer this time.". I also just cannot get over the fact that there was the four-point spell in your fic- it made me very excited to see something we've only seen once used again. This really helps out the connection to the series you are establishing.
Speaking of establishing it into the series, there was only the a mention of the Harry Potter series until you said the following: "But this was not just any boy. He was quite famous among the witches and wizards of his time. This was the Boy-who-lived. This was the Chosen One – the one who was destined to either save the wizarding world from the wickedness that was Lord Voldemort, or die trying." I loved it! It got me from what seemed like a real book I was reading back into my favorite fandom, and you did it gently. Nice job!
Only one little nitpick. When it states, "“OK boy,” he yelled against a wave of rain, “land wherever you think is best. We’ll go on foot from here.”", don't you mean 'there' instead of 'here'? I do like "wave of rain" to describe the downpour though. Wait- I can't even give some concrit without some compliment!
Hal, I must tell you, I enjoyed every minute reading this. You can tell a story with excellent, powerful imagery and give excitement even with a thunderstorm or the swish of a Thestral's wings. I applaud you for the job you did here.
Author's Response: Wow, Pat... this was truly a wonderful review. Everything about it just made me squee with delight. *sighs happily* I <3 you.
To begin with, what I like best about this chapter are the descriptions. Therefore, you will have to bear with me when I make a really long quotation:
‘Harry Potter was encased in a circular room with a domed roof of midnight blue. The walls were paneled in silver and marble encrusted with gems of extraordinary value. They created interweaving designs that gave the impression of raging winds and crashing waves. The dancing light that reflected off their smooth surfaces came from windows in the cupola, which were cut in the shapes of stars and crescent moons.’
- I simply love this, it’s absolutely beautiful and I can see the room before my eyes. I know that some readers might thing the descriptions are too much, but to me they are perfect. I wouldn’t say “the more, the better”, but if it’s quality descriptions like these – then yes please! :)
“Don’t stand around, use it!” the mirror told him. “All that patchy hair on your face makes you look like a turnip.” - *giggles* Excellent! This would of course be very funny even if a reader was not aware of the whole turnip business, but having an idea of what it (at least partly) refers to makes it all the better. I like how you included the talking mirror, it appears here and there in fanfiction, but only so often that it feels familiar and right, not cliché.
The Harry of this chapter simply gives me spaghetti knees, you’re a master at playing on my not-so-secret Mr Potter-crush. I feel sorry for him feeling a bit lonely and missing his friends, but I admire him all the more for his determination and independence. My first example of the adorable-Harry-ness:
‘ In his place was a man, hardly recognisable as the child who had graced so many front-page stories in the past seven years.’ - Is it terribly wrong of me to be thinking that Harry was actually born in 1980 and really want him, even if he might be a bit young in this particular fic? >.> I really enjoyed his moment before the mirror (also apart from the humorous part), because isn’t that something we all do at times, examine ourselves in the reflecting glass? It’s got nothing to do with vanity, and Harry deciding he likes how he looks doesn’t mean he thinks he’s good-looking. Letting him look into the mirror doesn’t just say something about his appearance, but also about his set of mind. Lovely.
And, *trying to keep a straight face*, I must give him respect for this: ‘He was going to prove himself in whatever way he could—even if it meant suffering this kind of torture.’ - I think I’m one of the few people on this site who can actually appreciate how much he really suffers here. Anyone who has been closer than two metres to one of those cans is a hero to me (or a fool if they didn’t have to do it), never mind actually eating it! Also, it’s well worth knowing that Harry and I have the same opinion on surströmming. Just in case, you know.
Lastly: ‘ He discarded his worn robes and slipped on the blue ones, suddenly feeling very fine.’ - Hee, looking very fine too! At this point, where you have had his character undressing (twice!), bathing and shaving before us, I must admit I wouldn’t be able to put up much of a resistance. Good thing he’s out to save the world and not to mix with the locals… (No worries, not assuming anything about the location, just hoping.)
I’ll bug you about a few things:
- “Athera!,” his guide – Idel – shouted. - There shouldn’t be a comma after the exclamation mark.
- “We will send for you when we have decided your”—he found his eyes encompassed in hers’ again—“fate.” - I think it should be just hers, not hers’.
- ‘After all, it was an incredibly valuable object, amoung other things.’ - spell checker tells me it should be among.
Also, I have a thought concerning: ‘Most of the room was taken up by a four-poster which must have been twice the size of his bed at 4 Privet Drive.’ - ‘must have been’ indicates that it’s not clearly twice the size, and I always imagined his bed at the Dursleys’ wasn’t a very big or comfortable one at all, and that his bed in the Hogwarts dormitory was probably twice its size. You might not have intended the bed in this room to be huge, but by putting that sentence there in the first place made me feel it was at least something he noticed. So, what am I trying to say? Well, not that it’s a big deal, but if you want it to seem like a big and comfortable bed, perhaps it should be even bigger than twice the size of the Privet Drive one? Maybe three times the size? ;)
And, looking at the bigger picture, I really like where the story is moving in this chapter. There might not be extreme plot developments, but very interesting things are going on and I find I can’t wait to read next chapter. Now I just need to start thinking about how I could get it from you as soon as possible… ;) Great work, Haley!
Author's Response: Anna you are way to good to me. This review is far more than I deserve, but 349580250 thank you!s all the same. And NO, it is NOT wrong at all to want Harry... I've developed a wittle crush on him as well. I've decided to give up my decision to wait to take him until he grew up a little bit.... but I'm giving this Harry a couple months before I fall completely in love with him. I can say this as I'm not really writing him, he writes himself. And he strips twice in this chapter?? OH you're so so right... he does... now I wasn't doing that on purpose. Of course not. <.<
You're right about the whole Bed thing as well. Damn I knew that whole bit sounded wrong. But alas, I was too lazy to work with it. Will get back to that and the nitpicks very soon. In the meanwhile though, I'll be working hard on Chapter Six as to keep up with your good opinions of me (not to mention Harry).
*won't.. fail... anna.. *
Oh and... I deeply apologise, and Harry does as well, but the Council is just not letting him out and about any time soon to mix with the locals. He would truly like to though. He's heard stories about this pretty girl named Anna with long blonde hair and a delightful temper...
Ah! I love it. First of all: answers! yay!
The Ravenclaw backstory: I love it. I love that you didn’t write RR as… some perfect, smart, witty boring woman. I love this Rowena, and I think it’s perfectly fitting, too. And… the Salazar/Rowena -- *love*. That, coupled with the curse on the men that the Little women become involved with – it’s weaved as beautifully as Helga’s tapestry.
You might realise that this is going to be a squee-ful review, sorry ;) Next on my list: the Heirs of the Founders. I love that so much. If Jo doesn’t reveal Harry do be Godric’s Heir, I’ll be disappointed [though I’m rather set on believing that Zacharias and Luna are the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw Heirs, respectively]. The Heir idea is becoming a cliché of sorts, but one of those that I don’t think we should condemn: it makes sense. Considering the war really began when the Salazar left the other Founders. Perhaps not the story, but the conflict, is not about Voldemort versus Harry. It’s the mindset that begun with Salazar and the trouble he has caused; it is about unity as opposed to division. I’m so glad I’ve found a well-written Fated-Founder-Heirs type fic :D
Sorry this one’s so short, but – again, aside from what I’ve said in my previous reviews, what really let me enjoy this chapter was the history, the characterisation of the founders, and the introduction of the Fated Heirs idea – I love it all. I have no doubts that this story is going to be fan-bloody-tastic.
Though – I’m missing my stubble-faced man!Harry *hopes to see him again, soon*
You did it again? First you leave
MEthe Reader hanging on the Harry PoV, and then you leave us hanging with Lanette, too? GAH. You are evil. *suddenly regrets every cliffhanger chapter of Year 6*
Okay, the first thing that springs to mind is the setting. The American wizarding world – Okay, I’ve heard about these stories, maybe peeked at a couple… but, wow. This is just *perfect*. Now, I’ll admit I’d choose the British wizarding society over the American, any day – but this just how I imagined it. You have captured a wonderful periodic feeling for the magical society to thrive in, and it’s so nicely balanced with the old-fashioned and modern [Vera’s hair-colour potions *giggle*]. Yes, so I really like what you’ve done with the American wizarding society, it’s… it’s just incredibly believable and, though I have no frame of reference, incredibly accurate.
Now, to Lanette. I feel like we’ve only gotten a taste of her. I feel like I know more about her life and who she is on paper then her actual mindset. [This isn’t a criticism, hehe, an observation.] With Siobhan, I feel like I’ve done the opposite. From Sins, it’s really hard to know anything about Siobhan’s past, or her family, her experiences, her ‘friends’, her grades… but the Reader is more accustomed to her manner of thinking. With Lanette, I feel like I have the bases covered, and now we’re more ready to delve more into her manner of thinking and how she deals with people and situations; from what I’ve read so far, it should be fun! I love the reclusive OC [but I’m beginning to fear the likes of Lanette, Siobhan and McKee are becoming clichéd… *oh no!* Hehe. Who cares!?] – I always feel like they know more, or have a special brand of wisdom that the social butterflies can’t have. And, truthfully, they are more suited to their own PoV.
Speaking of PoV – I do have one minute criticism: But if had Lanette had looked back, she would have seen something almost frightening in those oceanic eyes. I have my reservations with this kind of revelation within a narration. It’s just me being nitpicky, I think, but when I have a third-person limited PoV, I like it to be truly limited. For instance, you might see in a story ‘They didn’t realise that it was the last chance they had to say goodbye…’, or ‘In a matter of hours, they’re lives would be changed forever…’ [bad examples, I know]. But, it’s hinting to the reader, or telling them something that the PoV Character does not know, does not see/hear/notice… while within the PoV? It doesn’t sit well with me, and I think in the instance you want to hint to the reader that something’s coming, it has to... be somewhat noticeable in the character’s mind, even if they don’t consider what it might mean. It’s really a personal preference. Unless I officially step out of the PoV – every observation must be something in my character’s mind… even if it’s more obvious to the reader than to the character, themselves.
Something else I noticed: I love how you open chapters. Very clean, straight into it, but comfortable at the same time. I hate starting chapters. I would steal this ability from you, if I could and were it not mean.
I love/hate Vera. She reminds me of Mrs. Bennett from P&P. *heehee*. And Lanette’s grandmother… I feel like I should be shipping her with Dumbledore! :) Again, while on the subject of new characters – your description is wonderful. You’re not just describing the physical, but doing it with words that radiates their personality, as well. I also thought this was wonderful: The no-running policy in the dormitories was strictly enforced with a string of potent spells. They were quite annoying, but there was no getting around them. Hehe. A nice, humorous and creative addition to the narration, and so wizardly! :)
Now, now – onto Miss Ravenclaw, and how Lanette is going to become connected with Harry!
Your descriptions are brilliant. Not only are they detailed and filled with wonderful imagery – but they fit the tone so well; the words you use fall in with the rest of the chapter. ‘A twisting of the doorknob’ – already [having read this chapter a few times before], I see that at the beginning, and I’m already thinking of the tapestry, and of this intricate yet subtle setting you have designed for the Reader. ‘The witch’, too, feels like a representation of this chapter, perhaps because she fits so well with the world around her. Mysterious, graceful, flowing, yet strong and impressive. My best explanation of my impression of her would be a cross between Fleur and McGonagall. Who’d have thought we’d see something like that? But both of those ladies have a sense of power and ancient magic about them, too, and it’s a very fitting comparison in my own mind.
I like that your chapters [thusfar] aren’t incredibly long. I think you have found a lovely balance of saying what needs to be said – admittedly, I would have liked you to go on here. Selfishness on my part? Hmmm, maybe. Perhaps Harry knows why he’s there, and perhaps this Council even knows what he’s arrived in search of – but I don’t! While I liked that the length wasn’t hard on my attention span, and while I don’t know if you need to hold the next bit of information back, I feel like you maybe should have continued. I think that the prologue has already set is in this direction, and that the first chapter needed to – explain something. Perhaps you didn’t need to continue with that last scene and tell us where he was going, but perhaps tell us where he’s been. I’m really just annoyed that you’re biding time instead of telling Me what’s going on. *hmph*
The tapestry. I hate that I don’t know who ‘the sorceress’ is – and I want you to tell me. But, I love the tapestry. I have a feeling it will be important, somehow. *Thirty points to Jenna for guessing the obvious*. Well, I can’t wait to learn more about it, and what Harry saw within it. Or what was so interesting about the way the room presented itself to Harry? How dare you spin plot so soon! I have an addictive personality, you know… *cries*
The entire thing is so mystic… I love it. It has a great tone, that I hope continues through the story. It reminds me of CoS in a way – it has that dark, ancient, mysterious feel to it. I’m not so much wondering what’s going to happen, yet, as I am wondering – who are these witches? How did Harry know to find them? Oh, but – yes, I’m curious about other things, too. Such as Ron and Hermione… *peers into other chapters*
You’re doing a great job – the problem I see with most stories is that they start off ordinary and you have to give them a chance to be creative and original. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But with this, we already know it’s different and it’s going to be worth the read. That, as far as introductory chapters can go, is the best thing to write for, and you’ve achieved it! :)
Freaking BEEZY! I joined this thing JUST so I could leave you a review. Sheesh. Took me days to figure it out, lol. And this review so far is prolly outta context to all your spew friends will think I'm retarded. ANYWAYS. I love Lanette. I'm just dying to find out what happens next. Reading your writing makes me want to write, lol. You're my inspiration! Yay! Keep it up and I'll keep reading. Remember, on the east coast the ocean is to the EAST! Heheheh
Good Chapter! We didn't learn much from Ron or Hermione. But still learned alot. Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Soon, Rover, soon! Infact, you get a hint of them in the next chapter - so go check it out! And thank you, as always, for leaving such kind reviews.
And the plot thickens. You have a lovely OC and a tight plotline. The cursed line thing with Linnette reminds me of the cursed witches in Practical Magic. (I love that movie by the way)
I can't wait to see where this goes. You had better poke me the next time you update.
Author's Response: You know I'll poke you, my darling Spew-Sista. Hee...
I love that you love Lanette. I love your quirky little reviews. I love you.
Wow, you introduce an intriguing OC here, with a nice twist at the end. I'm intrigued by how this is going to fit in with what you have going with Harry. And Chapter 4 is even up now, so I can go read. :)
Yes, I never leave you SPEWy reviews. *hangs head in shame*
Author's Response: It will fit, I promise! And in more ways than one...
*runs off giggling*
woah. you really put a new twist in this part of the story, and i loved it =) i really liked how your writing from the point of view of a brand new character, and a character thats none other then the descendant of Rowena Ravenclaw! very good, i give you a 10, update soon!
Author's Response: That's right! Ooo another 10, you spoil me ;) I'm glad you liked the twist at the end. Read on and you'll earn a few more suprises! Thank you for being such a constant reviewer, I really appreciate it.
Great Chapter! I like Lanette, she remindes me of my self. I really like were this story is going! I think I see were this story is going. Well I'm glad some quistions will be anserwerd becuese I'm starting to get anxios were it's going! More up soon please!!!!!
Author's Response: I wish I were more like her! She's kinda my alter-ego... if I were a Ravenclaw, that is. *pats Hufflepuff badge* Alas, I don't have the indifference she has to the opinion of others, as much as I hate to admit it.
I just updated the next chapter, so check it out for a couple answers!