??? I seriously didn't expect Siobhan's secret lover to be Lucius Malfoy. Although it may have answered some questions on why Siobhan was always anxious about her past, I still reckon it's kinda weird and not to mention startling.
Anyway, I liked your two main stories and am glad that this minor twist didn't ruin the tale.
This is an amazing story. It shows Lucius just as you would expect him to be, very smooth, and unemotional. I loved it!
Oh my, oh my, oh my. Is there any way to put into words the things I love about this story, not to mention this pairing? Well, I'll give it a shot, anyway.
Firstly, I absolutely love your characterisation of both Siobhan and Lucius. Siobhan is one of, if not the most, realistic and believable OC that I've read in HP fan fiction. There are just enough faults and good qualities/skills that make the mix of her personality perfect -- absolutely believable and in no way phony, if you know what I mean.
Lucius, also, has wonderful portrayal in your writing. You keep that aristocratic and prideful manner about him in everything, while at the same time showing humanity there as well.
I love your character interaction in this story, though. The emotions of Siobhan are vividly portrayed, and it is extremely easy for a reader to connect with her -- feel as she's feeling, etc.
The dialogue is wonderful as well. There's nothing that seems too forced or unnatural, in my opinion, and it all just goes perfect with the two characters; Lucius maintains that level of power and arrogance, while Siobhan's inner confusion is manifested brilliantly. There's wonderful use of internal struggle in this piece as she battles against desire, regret, and a whole multitude of human emotions.
I also felt that your ending was especially poignant. It was simple, yet very emotional at the same time, and I absolutely loved it.
(I did, however, notice a few typos through the story, mostly just where a "the" or an "a" was missing, but since that was basically the only criticism I could up with -- and it's nothing major -- then that's saying something about this story.)
See, I told you it would be hard for me to put into words my feelings on this piece. It's written with utter skill and wonderfulness that all I can do is say "Fantastic Job!" once again.
I truly look forward to reading more of this pairing (which I first discovered in Sins of the Father, actually.)
Oh, oh, OH. *shudders* How horrifyingly lovely! I make no sense. Well, let me begin at the start. It's wonderful that you show her nerves, her anxiety, her insecurity, her vulnerability at the very start. If I recollect correctly during the chaptered story, Siobhan, in the beginning chapters, was very tough. I think that the tough exterior sheltered these vulnerabilities and it was refreshing to see them so openly displayed.
At the same time, Siobhan has lost none of her fire. I loved the interaction between the two in the prison cell - their dynamic has always been so interesting. Reminds me of Draco/Ginny, actually. :)
I think the most lovely part of this, though, was the growth we see in Siobhan. He pulls her close, and she doesn't let her feelings take over. She steps back, not utterly rational but still strong, and stands for what she wants. This, I think, shows her journey from the beginning - and it also shows how well she knows Lucius Malfoy now. That very knowledge keeps her loving him but also keeps her from staying with him. It's quite a tragical paradox.
Finally, the idea of Gringotts becoming the next prison is really clever and quite cool. I really, really liked it!
Wonderful, Jenna. Can we ever expect anything else from you? :P
gross, but good
Wow... I just found this story here, I usually read your stories from fanfiction. I would never have guessed that that was the reason she was there that day. Nice work.
hmm. interesting. So Siobhan has an affair with Lucius? Why? and how'd they meet. THis y i don't like these one shots...they open so many doors, yet u can not know what lies behind the doors. Nice one though!
Just finished reading. And what can I say? It was sad, amazing, beautiful... I think I'm gonna run out of adjectives. And the initial nervousness of Siobhan was kind of disarming. I've never quite seen her so... vulnerable, and I was shocked, I tell you, shocked when she was so tensed up and all.
His pride was broken, but he was no less arrogant than he had been. Excellent characterization of Lucius here. He's one of the people who might go about with their heads high, even if they don't have one square meal per day. It was perfect.
“Not nearly the same amount of pleasure as you have given me on many occasions,” he replied.
“Bastard!” she spat. “I can’t believe I ever — ”
I detest Lucius for being so... insensitive. But, I liked her reaction when he asked if she loved him. The falteration, the heartache. Excellent.
She looked at the letters in her hand, before tuning to see his face for what she knew to be the last time.
Did you mean turning to see his face? Tuning to see his face sounds... odd.
Oh, and when exactly does this take place? Is this her visit to Gringotts in the BD, or does it take place later? I'm sorry if I'm being thick, but it wasn't clear to me. Anyway, loved everything about this one-shot. I can't ask you to update, so I'll just leave.
Wow.. This one shot has left me wondering what is to become of Siobhan. She has so much of a past and even more of a future to look towards. I want to find out what Lucius has written to her. How long was Siobhan and Lucius together? How did it start? Was Lucius's Wife aware or was it only rumored enough that she "knew" about as much as Draco "knew"? Does Draco really know how much his father feels for Siobhan? This has left me with a lot of Hmmms. I really would like to ask you to elaborate more on Siobhan's past and her future especially in conjunction with the blood debt or maybe like a story on it's own just about Siobhan. Perhaps with short references on the other stories you have written like timelines. I don't know maybe I am hoping for wayy to much. Although I can say this is a great addition to enhance the over all story that is going on. I can say with complete honesty Jenna that you are a genius!! Please keep writing.
Blergh, I’ve got to stop revising grammar for a while now, otherwise I’ll go mad. So, it seems like a perfect opportunity to write and post this over-due review. :) I know I’ve commented on this one-shot before, so you’ll have to forgive me if I repeat myself.
This is enjoyable reading already from the beginning, even before we come to the actual meeting. You always seem to get the details right, here I especially like the empty atmosphere of the streets and Gringotts, the cold outside compared to the warm air meeting us inside. The repeated mentions of ‘Gringotts’ and ‘vaults’ connect so clearly to your author names, it might just be something I react on, but it somehow makes it more personal.
I want to quote everything from this: “She closed her eyes against the blurring images as they descended further into the depths of vaults, and tried to steady her breath, organise her thoughts.” to this: “She couldn’t decide if it was one more memory to treasure, or one more nightmare to regret.”, because all of it show us Siobhan’s set of mind so perfectly. When she first arrives to Gringotts it’s impossible to know exactly why she is so nervous, because she the nervousness could be either because of fear or excitement. I like how you write her feelings mixed, it makes me wonder about the details of their past…
As if you hadn’t been building up to this a very long time anyway, I feel how I’m leaning closer to the screen by each step Siobhan takes, how I realise that now, now it’s time, at long last I will be allowed to see them in the same scene…
…and, Jenna, wasn’t it worth the wait! A great big shiver went through my whole body when he spoke her name, and the emotions, the vibes - they’re all in place.
I’m not sure what I had expected, but I’m very pleasantly surprised to see Siobhan’s attitude, her slight anger, towards Lucius. Not that she lets all her thoughts and emotions show though, no, it’s the fact that she’s withholding, how you only hint the true depths of what she feels, that makes it fascinating. And Lucius… His acting towards Siobhan is what I had hoped for, he is the superior and arrogant man we know, but at the same time he is feeling something, perhaps against his will but still. After only a few lines, my mind is buzzing with images of the relationship that might have been, of ideas and guesses of joys and pains they have shared, of what they have discovered together. Your writing is drawing a complex image in my brain, not that relationships are every simple but the difficulties these characters must have lived through in order to spend time together are extraordinary. It wasn’t easy to pick, but I sill decided to quote a few favourite lines here:
‘“The truth of the matter is, rather simply, I had to see you again.”’
‘At this, Lucius dropped his façade, and spoke more softly, “Perhaps not.”’
‘“Is that not the point?” Lucius asked. “That, despite knowing how you feel, I did those things anyway?”’
I love the brief, heated argument that starts with the question of murder, continues with both of them asking for the other’s love, and takes a brief pause from the wonderful ‘“Come here,” he requested, holding his hand to her.’ to the equally touching ‘She had dreamed of being this close to him again, but she could not let herself break. Not when she was coming so close to forgetting him.’ Then, when all I want is for them to hold on and never let go, despite who this man is and despite all the awful things he has done, you don’t give them, or yourself, or me as a reader, that kiss. Instead you, and quite rightly too, write even more strength to Siobhan, you make her demand an answer and the truth. After another few lines exchanged, you present the possibly best line of the entire one-shot, “I would choose you.” These words become so powerful spoken by Lucius Malfoy. Taken out of context it could be a soppy line from any bog standard R/Hr or H/G romance, but here it’s got meaning and strength, although us readers don’t know all if it there is still obvious history behind this answer, and it shows a clear and simple longing in a man I thought were no longer capable of feeling.
And then she walks away. She walks away and my heart swells of pride in its chest (yes, quite a worrying sign of my interest in this character, don’t you think?), because no matter how much I wanted that kiss, and how much I still wish for a future reunion, by walking away she becomes more Siobhan than she has ever been to me before. I feel like I’ve discovered a completely new side of her, that I always knew was there – if that makes any sense?
Of course, I wonder about the letters, and I wonder about the future. I think about the story’s place in the Blood Debt universe, I think of what happens around this time. I find that I want Lucius out of prison, but if that would happen I’m not sure if I want Siobhan to go back to him, or to turn away and find someone better.
And haha, SPEW shall not be able to suspend me, because I did find something to point out as well:
‘She stood in could hardly be called a vault, but a passageway.’ - it looks like there should be a ‘what’ between ‘in’ and ‘could’.
I’d also like to suggest something on this line: ‘“I need the truth,” she said sadly.’ - there is of course nothing wrong with it, I just think that you could do better than the ‘said’ + ‘sadly’, it doesn’t flow quite as well as the rest of the text. I’m not one of those ‘said’ Nazis, I just thought it clashed a little with the ‘sadly’ here. Undoubtedly it would be easy for you to change.
So… am I supposed to be ending this review now? Actually, while writing it I have been able to place the one-shot better, to begin with it was just a piece of wonderfully emotional Siobhan/Lucius. Now it has shown an idea of Siobhan’s secret background from Blood Debt, it has given us an inkling of what she has experienced and what world and set of mind she lives in at the moment. I’d never claim to understand Siobhan, but her character has just become a little bit clearer to me. I’ve stopped wanting to save her, I’ve stopped trying to think up ways in which her life could be turned back on track, because I’ve realised that she’s doing that all on her own. Spectacular, Jenna.
I have only read the first two chapters of its companion but as you said this shot could stand on its own. Over all I found ejoyed the stiff style that the writing had. The descriptions flowed with one another but not in a flowery delicate way. There was a sterile feel about it. I felt trapped in the paragraphs. The writing held itself back, there was a sense that there was more to be said but you controlled it. That helped for me to truely get inside Siobhan emotional state, her guarded reservations about visiting Lucius. The verbal dance between the two is subtil and beautifully written. I could understand the whole nature of their relationship in the few words exchanged between the two. There were only two moment that pulled me out of the story was when Lucius aked if the Dark Lord was going to lose. I didn't feel this fully fit his character or how you had the conversation moving. The other event was the letters that he wrote her. This could be because I didn't read the other story, but I was pulled out slightly. Other then that the story was captivating and I enjoyed watching this moment between the two.