A-ha, you've done it again. Everyone already said everything that could be said about your poem. In my opinion, it was a very good, shivery poem about a killing curse. I like to write poetry on occasion, but I have to say that you leave me in the dust. Very well done. (sorry if that doesn't do it good enough) I should be saying excellent.
Author's Response: Yay! I'm glad that you think I'm good enough to go and read so many of my poems. Thankyou, and if you ever post some of your poetry hear, give me a yell and I'll read it straight away.
Vader really enjoyed this little poem of yours, Diamond Quill. It gives the reader a very good sense of the killing curse using very few words, one of the great things about well written poetry. The rhyme schemes you have used here, for the most part, are excellent. Examples include words and blurred, eyes and lies, and death and breath. The only one that didn’t really work great (for Vader) was short and thought. It is perfectly fine for a rhyme scheme to be based on the final consonant, but here it stands out because it is the only lines in the poem that rhyme this way. The rest of the lines in the poem rhyme in a more tradition sense, where the sounds are the same or very close.
The rhythm in the poem is also good. However, if anything thing could possibly done to improve the poem, it might be in this area. Though each lines flows very well, a couple could be changed slightly to flow even better. For example, in the line that goes Broken victim draws their last breath, if you were to drop the word their it would make the syllable count in the line the same as the line above it making it flow even better (in Vader’s humble opinion). Vader would make a similar suggestion for the line the goes Silent listeners, their vision blurred. The word their just doesn’t seem to accomplish much other than get in the way of the flow. But hey, that is just an opinion from someone who is certainly no expert.
Finally, the way you have Avada Kedavra at the end of the poem is really cool too. It serves as a very effective ending and ties the whole work together nicely. In all, this is a very good poem, one of the better ones on MNFF in fact. Well done, and keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Well firstly, thankyou very much for the long and constructive review, I like having good feedback. About the short and thought rhymes. I have to say I didnt really notice, untill you pointed it out that they had different rhymes from the rest. When I write poetry I normally just write what comes into my head. I shall have a think to see if I can come up with anything else to replace that. I agree with the 'their' comments. When I was writing the poem, I did pick up on that, but overlooked it. Readign it back, I agree that missing the word out would probably be the best thing to do. Thankyou for your praise of the poem, it is very well appreciated and encouraging. Thanks for reading!
That was really good Claire! I can't rhyme for peanuts so I do admire your work even more. And as someone before me said, the rhymes work really well. The way you put 'Avada Kedavra' at the end made it sound like a letter to someone (which i do like, i'm not sure why, but i do) Anyway. 10/10 from me and butterbeers all around. :)
Author's Response: Aww, thankyou very much. I decided I had been inactive on this site for too long and it was time to post something new, so I came up with this little poem. i am quite pleased with it. *takes butterbeer* Cheers!
Hah, very nice. That was good. There is little room for improvement
Author's Response: Thanks! And btw, I love your Username, its very original. :)
Liked it very much. It flowed so well and the lines just matched so evenly. I hope you continue to write poetry so I may read more.
Author's Response: Thankyou very much. If your interested, I've already written several other poems, see them on my User Page.
that was a good one, really! :)
Author's Response: Thankyou.