MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Mind Games (Signed) · Date: 04/11/07 1:21 · For: Everything Was Gone

Wow…you just jumped right into Susan’s thoughts and emotions. I was impressed by the way you really seemed to get inside her head and bring out so much from her. I think most of us see her as a very soft and caring person, so I was a little surprised to see her written that way. But it does make sense, and I like the new side you showed of her. It wasn’t necessarily her at her best, but she was real. She seems very possessive of Cedric and I think that shows someone different from the nice and caring Hufflepuff we read about. I like how you added something to her character by showing a bad personality trait.

Even though she does seem possessive of Cedric, I could still feel bad for her. As you move on to the memory, we can see why she would feel the way she does. Cedric is so charming and nice to her, so it’s obvious why she was so fond of him. Any girl would have feelings for a nice guy like that, but someone like Susan would especially be attracted to him. He has a caring personality, which is something a Hufflepuff would admire. I like how you showed a girl who had a crush on Cedric, but you made her feelings honest and genuine. She actually sees him for all he is, and not just his good looks. It’s great to see another side of a female character that has a crush on him.

The snow was even on the ground, unmarked like fresh icing on a cake. The trees were jet black and the night sky was hidden by snow-clouds. The air was sharp in my lungs and stream raced out my mouth, swirling briefly before fading away.

I was lost in your descriptions of winter. It was so beautiful and detailed! Every word you used sounded so poetic and it was such a delight picturing the winter scene you created. You totally captured a lovely winter night in those three sentences. I always admire beautiful description like this. And even when you moved on to describing the winter in a harsher way, I thought every word you used was fantastic. You got every aspect of winter here, and you described it in such a unique way. Really amazing!

I think you wrote the emotions of a young girl with a crush very well. Sometimes the way she thinks and acts is very naïve, such as describing her feelings towards Cedric as ‘love’ and running out on her Yule Ball date. But that is only to be expected in a fourteen-year-old girl, and I like how you really made her seem her age. Many authors struggle writing characters to act their age. I notice a lot of the younger characters acting far too mature a lot of times, so seeing Susan, as well as some of the other characters, acting a little childish made the story so much more realistic. You really grasped the thoughts and emotions of a fourteen-year-old.

One other thing I really liked was showing Susan’s thoughts during Dumbledore’s speech. It was interesting to see how a different character reacted to the death of Cedric. Weaving the speech in with her thoughts and memories was a nice idea. I think it made the story flow well and it was a good scene to write her thoughts and memories in.

One tiny nitpick…

“but I lost my potion’s…”

I could be wrong about this, but the way I read this, I don’t think you would need the apostrophe in ‘potion’s’.

I was really impressed by this story. Susan’s characterization was great, and as I said, I love what you added to her character. You gave her personality a completely new side, and she was very realistic. I really did feel bad for her, especially at the end. From the memories you wrote, I could see how she would be so attached to Cedric. She seems like the type of girl who would like him. The emotions you gave her resembled a fourteen-year-old girl’s perfectly. Every idea you presented in the story worked very well. It was a pleasure to read!

Katty – Knight of the Turnip Table

Author's Response: Wow, thanks for the lovely review! :)

Name: Aelan Greenleaf (Signed) · Date: 10/19/06 21:49 · For: Everything Was Gone
Very well done!

Name: Just Tink (Signed) · Date: 09/04/06 15:36 · For: Everything Was Gone
wow. just... wow. You captured Susan perfectly, and I loved how you incorporated Dumbledore's speech into it. There's more I can say, but I can't because I need to go get a tissue to wipe my eyes. 10/10.

Name: jpkitty (Signed) · Date: 08/05/06 22:49 · For: Everything Was Gone
That was beautiful. You made it so believeable and you exemplified Cedric's decency. Poor Susan, but she was probably a bit judgemental saying that Cho had never loved him as she had. I cried at the end. You made me want to read more Susan fics, which I haven't read before now

Name: bittersweet_lullaby (Signed) · Date: 06/16/06 16:12 · For: Everything Was Gone
This was such a sweet, sad story. I really enjoyed it. I love how you use Susan's flashbacks as a sort of timeline of her relationship with Cedric.

I’d been wandering around the third floor corridor for the past five minutes and I still couldn’t find my Charms lesson. I found this sentence quite intriguing - it means she was remarkably close to discovering Fluffy. Wouldn't she have been a little worried about being lost on the third floor, not knowing if she was in the out of bounds area? Since she's worried about getting in trouble already, that would probably add to it considerably. If I, as an eleven year old, were lost on a floor where I knew there was an area I was expressly forbidden to enter, I would be terrified I was in the wrong place (and of what would happen if I was discovered there). Just a thought.

“We’re meant to write up the history, brewing and uses of the Shrinking Solution,” I explained, “but I lost my potion’s…” This last bit confused me. When I see an apostrophe followed by an 's', I automatically assume you're using the posessive form of the word. If she was referring to her textbook, it would be without an apostrophe. See, it's confusing because it could mean so many things the way it's written.

But this just wasn’t anyone; this was Cedric Diggory. I just loved this bit. We've probably all felt that at least once, where one person seems twice as special as anyone else, where they stand out to you like that. It's so interesting to see it happen to Susan.

Lots of other girls with ask him, said a voice in my head.

But you’re different, replied the other one, you’re special.

What if he says no?

He won’t say no.

But what if he does? You’ll never be able to look him in the face again!
I recognise those kinds of thoughts... I thought almost that exact same thing not too long ago; it's so fun to see her experiencing the same things most of us have gone through at one point or another. It makes her more real, I guess.

Overall, I really loved this fic, and the only things I found wrong with it were merely nit-picks. :) Great job!

Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely long review! I'm glad you liked it. <3 Concrit!

Name: Hermione815 (Signed) · Date: 05/14/06 21:14 · For: Everything Was Gone
Brilliant! I loved how you took a minor character and drew a story out of it! I love how you go through flashbacks and everything...made me shed a tear...or two...or more...;). Hoping to read more stories from you evenutally!

Name: lily_evans34 (Signed) · Date: 04/16/06 11:14 · For: Everything Was Gone
That was great! I love anything with Cedric in it! I was crying when I read it. Great job!

Name: HanilarLion (Signed) · Date: 04/02/06 14:50 · For: Everything Was Gone
Wow. That's what you call powerful. I've added it to my favorite stories list. Hope you don't mind.

Author's Response: I don't mind at all! :-)

Name: FanficWriterNikki (Signed) · Date: 11/06/05 20:01 · For: Everything Was Gone
I was also looking through the contest submissions and your summary caught my attention. Susan isn't a character we know a lot about, so it was interesting to see her envolved with Cedric Diggory. I really liked this story and I think you have definite potential to win.

Name: HermioneDancr (Signed) · Date: 10/23/05 2:08 · For: Everything Was Gone
I decided to go hunting through the contest submissions to see what people had written, and I was oh so lucky as to discover this! I think what you did here was really fascinating and I'm very glad I read it! I am an insane nitpicker, so I'm going to nitpick. Let me say first that I like it very much and I'm commenting on really minor details. The overall polish of the story is excellent.

In the first paragraph, you have No one's laughing, no one's smiling. While it's technically perfectly proper English, the contractions are distracting. You start out with bare, punctuated phrases, like a somber drum beat. The colloquial English takes away from that mood. No one is laughing. No one is smiling. would fit better with the mood. This is of course no more than a suggestion, and you shouldn't feel compelled. But I believe it would heighten the effect.

My speech was submerged by my sadness. This is incredibly nitpicky, but technically her speech should be submerged in her sadness, not by it. And a few paragraphs above that, you have I breathed noisily, trying to quell my tears but with no avail. I think (unless British English takes different prepositions and I'm not aware of it), that it should be to no avail rather than with no avail.

Beyond nitpicking, I really truly loved this story and I should tell you why. The descriptions are wonderful: descriptive in all the right places, but not so many that they are distracting. The balance is excellent, and the imagery sigh worthy. The characterization was also great. I've seen Susan Bones used in many different ways, and I have to admit I was skeptical at reading the summary. However, you wrote it so believably that by the end it seemed only natural that Susan should have loved Cedric.

I also like the storytelling. You cut back and forth between Dumbledore's speech and Susan's memories very effectively. You also left enough of it at both the beginning and the end that I as a reader was able to remember where I was without any difficulty. You really did an excellent job with this story, and I'm glad I found it!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a long review! Also for the constructive criticism. Thanks!

Name: Jenn_Weasley (Signed) · Date: 10/19/05 19:46 · For: Everything Was Gone
Wow! Very powerful. I like having another view of Cedric. Great job! Thanks!

You must login (register) to review.