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Name: linnealovegood (Signed) · Date: 04/18/09 0:59 · For: Part Two
sad and amazingly written.

Name: SomberBallad (Signed) · Date: 11/10/06 18:48 · For: Part Two
Months later, Ashley returns to review the final chapter of the forbidden Severus/ Lily romance. Better late then never, right?

This chapter was a nice conclusion to their story and a good introduction to the story about Severus and Harry that Jo tells us. Many times I caught myself thinking, Oh that is why Severus acts that way. Or that’s why he is so good at Occlumency. Even though we don’t know for sure, your story seems good enough for me. I really liked all the ties you had into canon that made sense, or even some foreshadowing in essence to what will happen to Severus, Lily, and Harry. Which like I said is kind of strange because this isn’t really part of the story, but you made me believe it was.

You took a big risk with Severus in this story, letting him show some emotion that we never get to see from him in canon. So a part of me wants to scream out, “OOC!” however it’s not really true. The way you crafted the story, he becomes the way he is in canon because of the events included in this story so he was a very different person before that happened. Better than that, he was in love! It’s funny how a heart tries to heal. So I can’t really critique your character of Severus too much because we don’t know that much about young!Severus except for his hatred of James which you portrayed quite accurately, especially his feelings towards Harry.

Poor Lily, I really felt for her in the end. I know exactly why she made her decision even though it wasn’t the decision she wanted to make. Her struggle was well portrayed. What she said didn’t really make sense, because she didn’t really have a good reason to tell him “goodbye” but she knew she had to.

I thought the final scene with the poppies was beautiful, I almost cried, I got all teary-eyed. It takes a lot to get me to cry over a fanfiction I would like to add. I think it was very like Lily to give him a poppy and very like Severus to not accept it, but then give in because of his love for her and the hope that her fate wouldn’t be what he predicted. It was a sad ending yes, but we all knew it couldn’t last.

One typo:
If he wants Harry dead, then he will stop ant***nothing.
I think Voldemort will stop “at” nothing, instead.

And one style preference:
“I do, truly I do,” he begged her
Like I said, I can’t really nitpick your younger Severus character but this sentence just sounded so unlike him. I think it is the “truly” you threw in there, it makes him sound like Remus in my opinion.

Another gem, Laura. This story is different from the others of yours I’ve read. Not in a bad way but it just is a different “experience” I suppose. It was nice reading this because my mind was having a little bit of trouble wrapping around “A Light Hits the Gloom”. It’s not everyday I get to read two Laura fics, it was a delightful afternoon!

Name: SomberBallad (Signed) · Date: 08/01/06 15:41 · For: Part One
Oh my, another tragic story involving Severus. I have not picked happy stories this reviewing period. However tragic they are though, they have been brilliant stories.

This story has been an emotional roller coaster, starting out with the tense beginning that turns cute when we discover our characters. Then we have the intensity and horror of the night Severus found on the prophecy and then the tragedy of the difference between Lily and Severus.

The first part was exciting to begin with, the descriptions of the meadow and trying to find out who our players in the story were was exciting. Then finding out it’s Severus and Lily just adds to the anticipations because it’s so scandalous. Then things kind of got boring for me, with their little snogging session and her particularly girly demeanor and their cute banter. But I realized that that was the point, after all, they obviously weren’t meant to be together. It just wasn’t right.

I have to add here that I really adore the fact that the story took place in a meadow. That never happens.

Now I have a feeling some people would say the second part of the story really doesn’t need to be there, but I find it very refreshing. It really actually adds some more complications to the story, because Severus really didn’t tell the Dark Lord anything it was stolen from him. He actually didn’t want to give it up, he was quite frightened. While Lily thinks she was betrayed at the same time she really wasn’t supposed to be, at least that is the distinct impression I get. Yet he doesn’t tell her the full story, or maybe she just dosen’t understand. Not to mention in this part it is nice to see the story’s connection to canon.

My absolute favorite part of the story was the third part because it shows how everything ties together and the relevance of the story. The emotions during this part were so intense. A lot of people have speculated that Severus hates himself in fanon and of course canon would definitely lead us to speculate this. But your description of how he saw what was going on was absolutely heartbreaking. I was really angry at Lily for falling for James, but obviously she couldn’t help it. I really loved the emotion you brought forth in this part of the story it really completed the piece I think. The last line was absolutely fulfilling. I loved it. The third part gives us hope and shows that Lily and Severus could have in another time and place been possible but reality is that they were not meant to be. I think you could really feel that from the beginning of the story, so it was a beautifully planned and orchestrated piece.

Your Snape was different from the way you portrayed him in Warmth. I think I like the way he is in Warmth more, but that might be because I hate seeing him vulnerable. He doesn’t feel “wrong” here but very different I think.

Another success dear, I expect nothing less out of you.

For heaven’s sake! There is another chapter! *dies* I can’t believe I thought this was it. *is so embarrassed* I think I’m going to leave this review as I still mean most of what I wrote, though some of my questions might be addressed in later chapters. *blushes*

In my defense this chapter would have done very well on its own. But perhaps there is hope for Lily and Severus after all?

I shall read and review part two soon. *still blushes*

Name: farmgirlyess (Signed) · Date: 06/10/06 19:44 · For: Part Two
Incredible. Wow. This was poignant and beautiful. Thank you.

Name: LadyAlesha (Signed) · Date: 06/03/06 9:46 · For: Part Two

Now I feel really sorry for Severus! This second half of your story broke my heart. Why does she have to choose James over Severus again? Does she really believe she will be safer with him? Her reasoning sounded a little naive to me, almost desperate.

Even though I prefer happy endings, this ending was perfect for your story. A happy ending wouldn't have fit in with the rest of the story and it would have completely destroyed the effect the story had on me.

If I remember them correctly, all the questions I had at the end of part 1 were answered here. The backstory you included in this chapter included everything important to understand how they got to where they are at the time of the story. The pairing works flawlessly. I especially like the dynamics of their relationship. Their complete love on one side, but the lack of trust between them on the other side make for an explosive relationship, as was shown in your story by their arguments that ended without a resolution, just because they didn't want to fight anymore.

I feel that I should say more, but I can't think of anything worthwhile. I love your writing style, the story flows beautifully and it doesn't take any effort to read it. I especially like that you don't use 'said' or equivalents all over the place but simply put the characters' words without explaining how they say them at times.

She’d assumed though that he wasn’t the marrying type. I feel that there should be a comma after 'though'.

Her smile shined clearly in the sunlight, her golden-brown ringlets fluttering in the wind. It has to be 'her smile shone', the verb isn't regular.

If he wants Harry dead, then he will stop ant nothing. Small typo, it has to be 'at' not 'ant' here.

Name: LadyAlesha (Signed) · Date: 05/17/06 10:25 · For: Part One

Wow! This is awesome, Laura! You truly have a way with words. I love your descriptions, especially the one of the meadow at the beginning that you interweave with descriptions of your characters. Those really show what your characters are feeling through their actions, and the way you add details about the wood and the sky enhances that even more.

I've never read a Severus/Lily fic before and I always doubted it would be possible to pull it off after their Hogwarts days, when Lily is with James, but you dispelled those doubts with just the first part of your story. I like your explanation for why Lily starts to hang out with James. I can see her not wanting to disrupt the comradery in Gryffindor House by fighting with James and thus starting to be nice to him. What I can't figure out is why she agreed to marry him, if she was dating Severus at the time. Or was it because of the fight her and Severus had on their last day of school? I hope you clear that up in Part 2, but other than that the reasoning behind her and James's growing friendship is flawless.

Severus is well done, too. I wonder why he ever became a Deatheater, though, he sounds like he hated it, even before hearing the prophecy. You'll explain that in Part 2, right? I like Severus's self-conciousness and that he thinks he doesn't deserve someone like Lily. It makes him human to know that he is troubled and doesn't always know the right thing to do. I can't help but feel kind of sorry for him, although I doubt he would want that.

A small white hand clutched onto a fistful of mattered black mane, whilst she kissed the coal-black stubble on the man’s cheek. Do you mean 'a fistful of matted black mane'? 'Mattered' sounds wrong to me.

He sat down on the rickety stool, after placing it the other side of a door, which was slightly ajar so that a pool of light spread across the floor. This has to be 'after placing it on the other side of the door'.

Severus picked himself up and opened his mouth to apologise; he didn’t get chance, however. 'He didn't get a chance' would sound a bit better, and I think there has to be an article there anyway.

Eventually she had plucked up to courage to ask him for help. Small typo, you meant 'the courage' instead of 'to courage', right?

Name: mald1983 (Signed) · Date: 02/04/06 19:09 · For: Part Two
How sad! Severus was just trying to protect Lily and Harry from Voldemort! I like how you show a different side to Snape in this story. It also shows why he's a little...erm...mean to Harry. If he was in love with Lily and she with him, then the relationship between Harry and Snape would be strained, not only because he has Lily's eyes but because he also looks like the guy that took her away from Snape. Good Job of capturing such a touching story!~ MALD

Author's Response: *Jumps up and down at the idea of this story getting a review!* Thank you very much! I found writing Snape in his teenage years a lot more difficult to him as an adult. He isn't quite as sophisticated, sarcastic or pessimistic. I just hope I didn't make him too angsty. This story was my way of sorting out Snape's reasons for disliking Harry and for betraying the Potter's whilst still making him love Lily and be a good guy. Twas difficult! Anyway, good luck with the Scavanger Hunts! Laura xxx

Author's Response: *Jumps up and down at the idea of this story getting a review!* Thank you very much! I found writing Snape in his teenage years a lot more difficult to him as an adult. He isn't quite as sophisticated, sarcastic or pessimistic. I just hope I didn't make him too angsty. This story was my way of sorting out Snape's reasons for disliking Harry and for betraying the Potter's whilst still making him love Lily and be a good guy. Twas difficult! Anyway, good luck with the Scavanger Hunts! Laura xxx

Name: xenophiliac (Signed) · Date: 01/27/06 23:05 · For: Part Two
Hmm seems to me that James doesn't actually love his wife...and it makes me doubt his love for Harry. But this story isn't really about that is it. lol I do like it...kinda depressing at this time of night. Lily and Severus.......

Name: Hermione_Rocks (Signed) · Date: 10/06/05 18:21 · For: Part Two
This bit was extremely sad. It's really well done though. Excellent, don't stop!

Name: MorganRay (Signed) · Date: 10/01/05 14:22 · For: Part Two
I felt very sad when I read this last chapter. I loved it because it was so beautiful, yet so incredibly emotional. I don't usually go for a lot of extreme fanon relationships, but you wrote yours very well, I must say, and competition or not, keep it on MNFF. It's tragic, yet I liked how Lily gave the flower at the end. 'Live for yourself,' is a very good description, and it tied the motive I see Snape have in HBP with your romanic story.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for both reviews. I am glad you say the Wuthering Heights quotes work well, because many have said that using quotes is irritating (although, most refer to cheesy song lyrics.) I am glad its had the desired impact. It began as a challenge piece but in the end I put so much of my own heart into it that I no longer cared about the winning or losing element. I love Snape and I felt I had to write this, as my explantion for how he is to Harry and how he has turned as a person. I am really glad you enjoyed it.

Name: MorganRay (Signed) · Date: 10/01/05 14:19 · For: Part One
Your description was very powerful. I liked your banner and read this story. Your quotes from Weathering Heights (I think that's how you spell it) were insightful and extremely helpful in understanding this story. My friend loves that book, and it added something to your story for me to read it with the quotes.

Name: rileyowen (Anonymous) · Date: 09/28/05 10:38 · For: Part One
This is so good! One of my fave fics in fanfiction. V impressed. 10/10.

Name: Hermione_Rocks (Signed) · Date: 09/27/05 21:19 · For: Part One
This is really well written. I love Snape as a character and you've really done him well. The Snape/Lily thing was a bit weird for me, but I know a lot of people do support it and you wrote it pretty believable. Write more in the future!

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