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Reviews For The Prodigal Son

Name: cute_lil_badger (Signed) · Date: 06/12/06 13:33 · For: Part Two
OMG - words cannot describe...

Name: cute_lil_badger (Signed) · Date: 06/10/06 11:55 · For: Part one
Awesome - Ioved this story. Percy's my favourite character and it pains me to see him act as he does - I can only hope we will have some explanation in book 7! But this was moving and psychologically bizarre but incredible. Definitely one of the best stories I have read on here!

Name: Capricorn (Signed) · Date: 03/25/06 21:51 · For: Part Two
BEAUTIFUL! Perfect, perfect angle of the story, perfect veiw, perfect portrayal of Percy and Fred, perfect portrayal of the family, perfect. Beautifully original, and very inspiring. You know, in your long story, you killed off George too. is there a pattern I see? Well, you are an excellent and very original writer, even if you like the HErmione/Snape ship-which I find rather disturbing. But this was very tragic, and very deep, speaking to the reader through Percy's stubborn eyes. Very very very good! too bad ten is the highest I can give you!

Name: mala (Anonymous) · Date: 02/12/06 22:09 · For: Part Two
And of course I didn't mean to do the entire review in italics...*sigh* Hopefully you get what I meant, despite the huge mix-up. I don't think I'll ever get the hang of tags... :P

Name: mala (Anonymous) · Date: 02/12/06 22:08 · For: Part Two
Oh wow. I began to copy and paste the sections that I liked best, and then I realized that I was copying nearly the entire story, so I had to stop. That was tragic. There's no other word for it. I had to remind myself that I couldn't mourn for the loss of the Burrow and the Weasleys because they're fictional characters. But rest assured, I was fully prepared to do it.

The one thing that surprised me was Fred's reaction. He seems to be in a state of complete shock--but at the same time, he seems a bit non-feeling too. Has he just failed to acknowledge that the entire thing even happened at all? I would love to find out what happens later--when the truth sinks in, how he handles it. (Or, if he ever even finds out the truth. He must end up wondering who the fifth body was, right?)

Your descriptions are vivid, particularly descriptions of the flames. I would have such a hard time describing the chaos and panic in a fire, but you do it flawlessly, while still integrating the dialogue and important plot details.

I have very little to nitpick about (I was a bit preoccupied being worried about what would happen next), but I did notice this in the very last paragraph: Whoever it was who did this, Fred thought, controlling his anger. Is only a puppet in the Dark Lord’s scheme.

The period after the word "anger" should be a comma, and the I in "is" should be lowercase, because the two seperate parts of dialogue aren't two different sentences.

Percy looked in terror, the disappointment that was in his eyes earlier had now turned to uncontrollable anger. In this section, I think in the second part of the sentence, you're referring to Mr. Weasley instead of Percy, so you may want to clarify that by specifying. It may also make sense to change the comma after "terror" to a period or a semi-colon.

Okay, that's enough for (hopefully) constructive crit. I was too wrapped up in the story to pick up on anything else. A very melodramatic and scary chapter, I could picture nearly all of it (not so pleasant to imagine, but very vivid and real). You incorporated so many different emotions, and surprisingly enough, I found it very IC. Mr. Weasley is usually such an affable and jolly bloke that it's hard to imagine him so furious with his own son, but you completely justify the way that he acts. I wanted to sob when Percy clung to Mrs. Weasley's skirt; I pitied him so much just then. This was a great follow up to the first chapter. Although I'm still sad that Percy wasn't forgiven by his family in the end (maybe there's hope that Fred and Ron will somehow honor his memory?), it was a very good story.

Great job!

Author's Response: Arwwwwww, Mala *huggles* Thank you for this lovely, touching review! I am really really glad that you enjoyed this second section because I was worried that you might find it perhaps a little too overbearing. It does get a little angsty in the middle.

Fred was certainly in a state of shock. I thought about how he'd react, whether he'd just not be able to handle it and be uncontrollable, but I realised that with such a great tragedy he would be in a state of disbelief. He'd just not be able to digest it. So, I used him to wrap up the story by allowing him to keep his cool and suspend his mourning until the trust of it all properly sunk in. I hope I did it okay, seeing as its an entirely alien feeling to me.

I wrote this for a challenge, but the idea was already formed in my mind as a 'this is what happened to the Weasleys' backstory for Lacrima. I haven't mentioned it properly in Lacrima, but in that Fred and Ron are the only surviving Weasleys. Fred goes to live in the Muggle world and creates a new, but melancholy, life for himself.

I will certainly do a spring clean (or is it still winter?) on those grammar errors. I am glad all the tension distracted you from the grammar side of it, hehe.

Thank you for the compliment on my imagery. I found that very difficult, and the dialogue was different. Preventing melodrama was the hardest, I think I failed actually, it's very melodramatic!

*Gives Mala another big hug* Don't mourn them... read my Secret Spew when I post it because they are very much alive in that!

Name: hplvr_491 (Signed) · Date: 12/19/05 18:21 · For: Part Two
that was really good! I cried while reading it, too! It was so sad! But very well written. However, if anything like that happens in JKR's version of Book 7, I might have to kill her. Good job and keep writing!

Name: WelcomeToParadise (Signed) · Date: 12/11/05 8:47 · For: Part Two
Wow! I cried. A lot. That was amazing, and soso beautifully sad at the end.

Author's Response: Thank you. This means a lot. I don't cry often when reading fan fics, or any stories, so it means a lot. Although, I do hope it wasn't too sad...

Name: HELENz (Signed) · Date: 12/08/05 20:46 · For: Part Two
This is really good! A very different idea! Percy, a Deatheater? He's strayed far away from his family, but I didn't picture him becoming a Deatheater!! I always thought, that while he was misguided in what he believed, he wouldn't side with the Dark Side! This was, however, very good!!!

Author's Response: Thank you very much. It was a challenge to write him, but I do think there is a stubborness in Percy that I could work away at. I am glad you enjoyed it!

Name: mala (Anonymous) · Date: 12/04/05 18:13 · For: Part one
First of all, I can't tell you enough how much I love your imagery. It's spectacular, the way that you can create such a complete painting. But it's not even so much the setting that you paint, but Percy's feelings themselves. You seem to give them body, color, tangibility, like they're objects, not just thoughts. I loved that.

This chapter left me with a lot to wonder about, especially regarding what Percy's intentions are. I'm still pondering--was his plan to burn himself down with the entire house? Or is he hoping to rescue them? In that case, why did he want to burn the house down first?

But then, that leaves open the possibility that he wanted to set the house on fire and then save them, for the sake of being the one to save them, to play the hero. That's quite a possibility. It's not often that I'm left with so many questions after reading a chapter, but you definetly did. :)

Of course, I've got to go on and be nitpicky, so bear with me for a while. All in all though, your grammer was great. There were lots of long and elaborate sentences that you used that could have very easily been written incorrectly, but your wording was very precise, and really well written.

Forgive me if something's already been mentioned by another reviewer, I didn't read all of them. :)

The most noble of men remembered throughout history were the martyr’s willing to die for their beliefs. This is fairly minor, but there shouldn't be an apostrophe before the s in martyrs, since martyrs is plural, not possessive.

He knew, also, that after doing this tonight his life was over.I feel like you're missing a comma in there, between the word "tonight" and "his," so that the clause "his life was over" is set apart as a seperate phrase.

The power of just the smallest thing; acting as a catalyst; can create the world’s biggest evil. This is such a great sentence, such a great thought, and it's definetly really true. The only thing is, you probably want to change those semicolons to commas, because the sentence reads awkardly with the semicolons. They're not usually used in that way, as far as I know.

...she asked, emulating panic and fear. This is more of a word choice sort of thing, but to "emulate" means to imitate, so perhaps you'd want to say whose panic and fear she's emulating. Percy's?

All in all though, those were the (few) rough patches that I noticed. The rest was really well written, and intriguing all the way through. This is going to sound silly, but it just seemed...true. You were able to so simply capture emotions in a way that just made it sound like you were capturing some great truth.

The stars, the moon and the canopy of black sky pushed down on Percy’s head.

The Burrow stood with multiple tiers, each drooping further over to the right, like a melting wedding cake scorched by the sun.

I loved these two sentences in particular. They were both so simply put, but at the same time, lovely, and they put such a clear image in your head, and set a definite mood. I envy your ability to do that!

Another thing I really liked was the way that you justified Percy's "betrayal." What a great study of a little-studied character, who's definetly got a lot more to him that we know. You did a good job of reasoning out why Percy would become a Death Eater, although that left me a little doubtful, that he would become a follower of Lord Voldemort simply because he had risen to power at the Ministry. I'd hoped that in that situation, even Percy would be able to realize that his loyalties didn't lie with the Ministry, since it wasn't the same Ministry that he once cared for so much. I think there was definetly more than a little fear involved. But I think that you're going to reveal even more of Percy that's going to be surprising, and maybe it'll turn out that Percy's not much of a Death Eater at all, and I'm right...*hopes*

Great job! I'm so glad that you chose to write about this little-explored character. I'm eager to go on to Part 2 now. :)

Author's Response: Wow - thank you Mala for this *extremely* insightful review, it has raised my confidence significantly, especially in regards to my use of language and imagery. I am just so chuffed that you'd spend such a long time looking through it and I will run through the suggestions you have made. The semi-colon ridden sentence made me chuckle, I think at the time I was experimenting on where I should or shouldn't use them, so they turn up quite randomly.
It's very rare that I get a review from someone who connects this well to a story, and I just hope that Part Two doesn't pull it down. It gets a little bit melodramatic. Okay - maybe a lot!
Thank you once again, this is better than any xmas present my friends will be buying me!!!

Name: Foxy Wolf (Signed) · Date: 10/24/05 19:23 · For: Part Two
I really liked it. I simply love angsty stories. I think it's well written and you could really feel how distraught Percy was. There is two things I didn't like. As much as I can see the match being of great value to the story, I just don't think it's likely. I see Percy as a person who would use his wand. Secondly I think they take to much time talking instead of fleeing out of the burning building. Other than that I really enjoyed the story. It's left me in a nice dark mood. Keep up the good work ;-)

Author's Response: Thank you very much! Glad you enjoyed it. The match will haunt me as one of my canon error shames and you are true to say they would spend less time gossiping and more time fleeing. It depends how fast they talk, if they could get the words out really quickly then it would work, and move around a lot whilst they said them. I guess I was just trying to heighten things, and by doing that I create a plot hole! Oopsie Laura!

Name: GringottsVault711 (Signed) · Date: 09/12/05 4:14 · For: Part one
I love Percy as ‘The Prodigal Son’, and I’ll voice my singular disappointment right now and that is that you didn’t convey the meaning of the title as I was expecting. The parable of ‘The Prodigal Son’, as many know, refers to an estranged son who left home and squandered his inheritance, only to return shamefully and ask his father for forgiveness. But the word ‘prodigal’ means ‘wasteful’ and refers to his recklessness with both his father’s money and love – it does not refer to the estrangement. So, I was kind of expecting the title to have more of an influence on the theme, not just as a clue to Percy’s estrangement, but his wastefulness with his parent’s ‘prodigal’ love [here meaning ‘extreme in abundance’, the double meaning being a cause for the parable to often be referred to as being a tale of the prodigal father rather than son]. It’s probably picky of me, but I think when you use something like this for a title, you should consider it’s full meaning. And especially with a story this wonderfully thematic.

The power of just the smallest thing; acting as a catalyst; can create the world’s biggest evil. The match was quickly lost in the eruption it caused. The violent disease spread throughout the local area within a matter of seconds.. Reading this, I was totally wowed (even more so than much of what preceded it). It brings the reader back to Percy’s original departure; it reminds us of the terms he left on and how it turned into so much more. Originally he left because he thought what he was doing was right, that it was noble, that his family was wrong. And it spirals out of control until he becomes something he should have never been: a Death Eater. Flames spread so quickly, and I love this metaphor. Not only in it’s essence, but its subtlety, its natural flow. You didn’t force it, and I just love it :D

Oftentimes I’ve seen people write Percy as a Death Eater, and I can never think for the live of me why, because it’s not done believably. Just because he was against the Order doesn’t mean he’s on the opposite sight of the playing field. But you move him wonderfully from the gray to the, and I quote, ‘black’. It is all done with reason, and it makes perfect sense. It’s not like he just went power mad, that he wanted revenge. He just lit a fire that he couldn’t control.

As for the ‘bad apple’ metaphor, you impress me yet again. You have a gift for extended metaphors – this one was not subtle like the other one, but its clear purposefulness worked in its favour. You really had me going, enjoying the ‘bad apple’ as you elaborated further – and then you named the worm the ‘Death Eater’ and I had another lovely moment of literary pleasure.

Ginny’s Gryffindor courage, the comparison of the Burrow to a ‘melting wedding cake’, ‘I must obey the rules’ – this was filled all sorts of ‘little things’ that made it all the more enjoyable all the way through. And your narrative style is lovely, too. You tell us things we knew, things we didn’t know but needed to, and you move the moments forward all at once, but it’s not confusing, nor is the backstory dull. Your word usage is not redundant nor verbose, but a variety of the concise yet descriptive, and on a few occasions, perfectly fitting.

An overall enjoyable and insightful read. Wonderfully written and a definite ‘wow’ ;)

Author's Response: I am sat in the school ibrary, across from a very strict librarian and I'm giggling and jumping up and down with joy at your review - thank you very much!!! You seem to have connected with the story perfectly, not everyone can get into it and I few call it melodramatic - but I'm glad you liked iot, I really am!

I chose The Proodigal Son as the title after I'd fully completed it and it does draw parallel to the parable in the second half, in some ways. I studied the story in GCSE and it was the thing that most came to mind when reading this. It isn't an exact parallel to the story but in the second half it has underlining meanings. The second half, however, is driving me mad at the moment so it may not be approved for quite a while.

Thank you for your review, I feel quite honoured that you spent to look over it!!!! The metaphor of the apple I sepnt an entire afternoon trying to piece together, whilst I was doing a boring shopping trip around Barnsley. When I came back I wrote it down before I forgot it all. I'm just glad it's made an impact.

Name: Ksenia (Signed) · Date: 09/11/05 16:22 · For: Part one
The moral ambiguity you portray in Percy’s character is well done. I would have preferred a bit more of a sloping hill sort of logic for when he becomes a death eater. Something a bit more gradual. But over all this was very nicely written and the imagery of the apple worked in nicely. I liked the way the fire was used as both a destructive and cleansing force. I felt at times you could a held back by explaining exactly what your images meant. For example the worms were the representation of Death Eaters. I personally prefer my symbols and images not to be overly defined for me, but this is just an artistic difference. Other then that I thought it was nicely done.

Name: Ksenia (Signed) · Date: 09/11/05 15:21 · For: Part one
The moral ambiguity you portray in Percy’s character is well done. I would have preferred a bit more of a sloping hill sort of logic for when he becomes a death eater. Something a bit more gradual. But over all this was very nicely written and the imagery of the apple worked in nicely. I liked the way the fire was used as both a destructive and cleansing force. I felt at times you could a held back by explaining exactly what your images meant. For example the worms were the representation of Death Eaters. I personally prefer my symbols and images not to be overly defined for me, but this is just an artistic difference. Other then that I thought it was nicely done.

Author's Response: "I felt at times you could a held back by explaining exactly what your images meant. For example the worms were the representation of Death Eaters."
Thank you for pointing this out. I think it comes down to my confidence as a writer, I felt like I had to justify my images when really I didn't. You make a valid point and I will bear it in mind for the future.

Name: deanine (Signed) · Date: 09/09/05 18:17 · For: Part one
Wow, a Percy point of view story and I liked it. That is an acomplishment in and of itself.

You have a very distinctive writing style, very thoughtful and introspective with tons of metaphors, but full of vivid tangible descriptions too.

I enjoyed reading this darker look at Percy, at the evil that can come from his brand of personal weakness. I've always felt that Percy was fundamentally weak, never evil per se, and your fic reaffirmed that feeling in me.

If I were going to say anything critical it would be that sometimes your descriptions read a little awkwardly.


"The power of just the smallest thing; acting as a catalyst; can create the world’s biggest evil."

I'm definitely not the grammar police, and semicolons aren't my forte, but this reads somewhat wrong to me. I believe that items connected by a semicolon should be independent clauses, or potential independent clauses. Having the semicolons there takes what really is a sentence with an excellent concept and detracts from your impact.

There was one other grammar blip that I wanted to mention as I've edited for someone with tense jumping issues and it jumped off the page at me.

"He had unleashed this savage animal that is ransacking his home, destroying everything he once held dear to him."

That's a great sentence descriptive and lovely. One word is wrong. The "is" should be "was" so that the sentence remains in past tense as the rest of the fic has been to this point.


"He had unleashed this savage animal that was ransacking his home, destroying everything he once held dear to him."

Overall: This is a powerful character piece. Bravo, Insecurity, you did Ravenclaw proud.


Author's Response: Thank you very much! *my cat pounces on my keyboard to type what he thinks*

I know my biggest weakness is punctuation, especially the use of commas and semi-colons, so thank you for spotting the error out. I believe I am gradually getting better at it, so come christmas I should have mastered the idea of "the semi-colon".

As for the tense error, I have no excuse! I should know how to keep in past tense by now, I lecture enough people about it in their fics.

I'm glad you enjoyed it though, hopefully the second half will be up soon!

Name: lunafish (Signed) · Date: 09/05/05 19:53 · For: Part one
You do a fine job showing how a seemingly good person can go bad (and possibly good again?). And you really seem to capture Percy's character; he and the situation he's landed himself in are entirely plausible. I enjoyed your story very much. Good luck with the contest!

Author's Response: Thank you and well done on the drabble! I'm glad you think its plausible because I've been dreading people telling me it's OOC.

Name: Ravensgryff (Signed) · Date: 09/05/05 8:51 · For: Part one
I thought this was quite well done and I really liked some of your language and imagery. I particularly like the image of fire as a beast. I have to ask, though, why would a wizard use a match to burn down the house & not a spell? Is it because of the magical protections on the house? Wasn't clear on that. Otherwise, nicely done!

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