I felt that you an "O" for originality. The prison should have had more personal, and a back-up plan should have been in place. You captured the sense of aloofness and the subsequent sense of hopelessness of the aurors. Like the story so far.
Author's Response: Thanks, arwenevenstar. I'm glad you like the story. This chapter is perhaps my favourite out of all that I've written with this story, and I see the Ministry not really caring much about the prison and such. One sort of gets the feeling that, in the books, they very rarely, if ever, do things just the right way, and have enough sense/people in place, that it would be reasonable for them to think the enchantments and such would be enough to hold the prisoners in. Anyway, I'll quit rambling and just say, once again, thank you for reading, as well as taking the time to review. I really appreciate it. ~Megan
great fan fic!!
Author's Response: Thanks, luvinhp. I'm glad you liked it, and thank you for the review. ~Megan
Wow, this is fantastic. I thought this'd be another of those Harry Potter and the blah blah fics but it's something more than the trio running off to find Horcruxes. I love this... going to read the rest before lunch.
Author's Response: Thanks. I'm glad you like the story thus far, and thank you for taking the time to review.
I can't wait for the fourth chapter!!!
Author's Response: Thanks. Glad you like it and the fourth chapter has been submitted to Mugglenet. It should be posted soon.
I love this fic and can't wait for the next chapter!!!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review and the comment. I'm glad you love the story, and the next chapter has been returned from my beta; I just have to post it. Again, thanks for reviewing.
I told you I’d come after you with reviews. ;)
First off, I love your writing style; the description in this is absolutely wonderful. The flashback with Voldemort was my favorite section because it wasn’t cliché; Voldemort didn’t act like a super villain from a Disney movie. Most of it was in the dialogue. Still, it was the description that really made this scene work. If it hadn’t been there, I’d have had something like “oh, great, another evil Voldemort” going through my head, but I didn’t. Even the wind, seemingly responding to the tense situation, ceased, the sound of the tree’s branches scraping the nearby glass window completely absent. This was one of the many well-phrased sentences. I just wanted to point that one out in particular. Well done.
Something about Dumbledore’s inner dialogue threw me off. I think it was just a little hard to read. At one point, Dumbledore referred to Severus as Snape, and that sort of got to me; we always see Dumbledore thinking of Snape by his first name If Voldemort is beginning to suspect Severus, he would not reveal anything of value to Severus. Severus’ name is used twice in this thought, and it just…doesn’t flow well. Normally I wouldn’t say that much about it, but you’ve got so much great description in this story and everything seems to flow so well, that when you come to this section, it stands out.
In the flashback, we see mention of something unknown in HBP: the little plot with Ginny. The thing is, since this is happening during HBP, it’s going to be harder to make work. I would look for something within the book that you could use in incorporate this into—something about Ginny. Really, all you need is a little something to make it blend with the book well.
I’m glad you mentioned Snape’s loyalties, especially since we don’t know. This way we know from the start what you as the author thinks, and we know what to expect.
I really think this story will turn out great. I can’t wait to read the rest. I didn’t see any grammar mistakes or anything, and the description is wonderful; great job!
Author's Response: Thanks a lot for your comments. I'm really glad you thought the writing style was good; that means a lot to me. The inner dialogue with Dumbledore is a part that I'm not really thrilled with. It worked for me on some level in the beginning, but in terms of the overall flow of everything, it just didn't fit. It was the main part I struggled with through this entire chapter. Also, the plot line with Ginny will work itself out, and even though this scene is happening during HBP, it was not meant to be very clear.
hey I just read the story so far and I have to say it shows a lot of promise. I hope you add a new story soon.
Author's Response: Thanks. I just added a one-shot titled A Single Miscalculation about Halloween 1981, and Chapter Three of this story will be up soon.
Wow, very intriguing opening chapter! I loved the first paragraph, I found it to be very well written, good detail, just lovely description!
It's not often that fan-fics titled 'Harry Potter and...' begin their story with a scene involving Severus Snape, hehe, but this one does, and it gives it an aspect of originality and at the same time, draws the reader in - Snape is a very enigmatic character, and opening a story with him is bound to intrigue your readers ;)
My only criticism would be on your characterization. I've never heard Snape or Dumbledore use terms such as 'Christ!' or 'Dear God'... and I can't really imagine them. Neither of them really seem to be ones for adding uneccesary words to their dialogue too often. That said, I found their manner of speaking a bit off from the canon character, including that minor bit of DD's inner thoughts. I didn't find DD's greeting of Snape right - he usually recognizes when someone has been through an ordeal, and settles them down before asking any questions - which he does in a calm but serious manner. And Snape usually shows more respect towards the Headmaster. When you're writing your characters, really try to think of what words they would choose, and how they would approach saying what you're going to have them say. Consider carefully how they interact with your other characters in the books, and how they might handle certain situations. Don't want to sound harsh, but I'm very adamant about characterization. I think characters are one of the most important (if not *the* most important) aspects of writing, as they are really the ones telling your story.
I know that seemed like a lot of crit, but it's merely because I wanted to elaborate on how I feel this could improve, because every other aspect of this chapter was very well written indeed, and I'd love to see more :) It was intense, but not overdramatic. And it definitely pulls the reader in. Great Job!
Author's Response: Thanks for the criticism, it was appreciated. I will definitely keep your advice in mind for later chapters.
Makes me feel sorry for Snape. OotP showed us there's a lot more to him than we thought. I take my pointy hat off to him.
Author's Response: I like Snape's character, and I wanted to explore a little more about his actions and loyalties.