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Reviews For Sins of the Father

Name: Insecurity (Signed) · Date: 08/29/05 14:59 · For: Chapter 2: Something of Interest
This story is certainly my favourite at the moment. I am thoroughly enjoying it and think it is very unique. I'm not someone who goes for the typical pairings so this one attracted me immediatly. I certainly think Siobhan is a Slytherin, she's got the cunning and the aloofness, and it suits her quite well. I liked how she gave the mouse some chocolate; it showed a compassionate side of her that was needed in order for her not to be cold. She's both likeable and dislikeable at the same time, I'm not sure whether I do like her but I certainly want to read about her. I'd be careful though, regarding her studies. What's more annoying than a know-it-all who studies all the time is one that is too lazy to study but still gets everything right. Maybe have her waste her intellectual ability, so at the end of the year her NEWTs are far from what she hoped for. I like your portrayal of Draco, he's certainly dislikeable yet we see a different perspective through Siobhan than we do Harry. His foolish attempts at seduction amused me; I agree with the way you made him react to her. I do think though, that he may notice her disinterest after a while, he isn't as foolish as he looks. I'm looking forward to how the plot evolves, hoping it won't be an easy ride for Siobhan, she's going to have to fight for it! Your ideas are ingenious - keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thank you very much :D (Excellent review, by the way). About Siobhan, I do get a lot of 'mixed' responses about her - nobody is ever sure about Miss Murphy. And I do love that. She keeps everyone guessing. As for school, Siobhan doesn't care much for it because she is aware she could drop out and live the rest of her life without worries, because she's heir to two family fortunes. She isn't really a know-it-all, either, nor is she great in school. She knows History, but she isn't good with practical application like Charms and Transfiguration - which is why she doesn't like to go to said classes - it means she has to try. I'm glad you pointed out the part about her giving the mouse chocolate. It makes me smile. :D Thanks again!

Name: Fantasium (Signed) · Date: 08/29/05 14:10 · For: Chapter 2: Something of Interest

Now, read the following very carefully, because I知 only going to write it once and after that I値l be in deep denial about ever having thought it: You should really stop writing on Blood Debt to get more time for Sins of the Father. There, I知 going to deny that opinion now, and get on with reviewing.

Pardon me for skipping past the wonder that is Siobhan, but I知 going to begin with Draco. *shudder* He痴 so well written it makes me sick. 全he scowled, and he once again misjudged her face, licking his lips in satisfaction. - revolting, thank you very much. Siobhan痴 thought of him, 爽nworthy heir, was just spot on. Still, as he痴 fairly important for the plot, I guess it would be pointless to ask for less of him? At first I felt sorry for her, guessing they were going to serve detention together then I realised that痴 probably one of the least painful things she痴 going to have to share with the slimeball. Still, what I suppose I want to get through here, is that you display great skill in writing such a detestable Draco.

Harry, Harry dear. Nice to see that even Siobhan Superior has a real interest in his person.

And so, the lady in question. *little smile* I don稚 really know what to say. You know I知 besotted with her person, and how I admire you for creating and writing her. She was all and everything I wanted her to be in this chapter, from determination, to conversation, to dreams. It痴 difficult to write this without making it look weird, but I can稚 wait until the day I get to read her dream fulfilled. I somehow don稚 think it値l be exactly like her visions, and what you池e going to do with her emotions in that situation is what I look forward the most. It looks a little feeble to quote the last line, but I will still do it; Lucius sure as hell better be worth all of this. - it was outstanding and yes, he sure had better!
I mentioned Blood Debt, which is looking brilliant at the moment. But still I think that 全ins is doing your talent more justice. Even closer to perfection, I found only one tiny mistake:
Siobhan gave a exasperated groan of boredom- - it needs to be 疎n exasperated groan.

To me, your pennames have always stood for quality. It痴 just that this quality has reached a new level lately. I feel privileged to read your works.

Author's Response: *glowing* Draco, revolting? Ah, yes. My work here is done. I really enjoyed reading this review, because you have such an accurate perception of a lot of what I've written and what I intend to write. But still, Anna - I do have to finish Blood Debt ;) I think the difference is that when I started my Harry stories, I didn't attempt to copy but tried to at least mirror Jo's writing style, whereas this is my own, and I want it to have a more defining tone. This is more 'me', I guess.

And I'm priviledged to have you as a reader.

Name: QueenHal (Signed) · Date: 08/28/05 23:07 · For: Chapter 2: Something of Interest
Oh man, that was awesome. Miss Murphy succeeds at capturing my heart once again. The last scene between her and Malfoy was brilliant and highly entertaining. I'm glad you finally got around to continuing this. It really was worth the wait :)

Author's Response: 'Worth the wait' < aw, thanks. I was afraid people had just given up. Well, Chapter 3 shouldn't be as long a wait. Thanks for reading and reviewing :D

Name: Hogwarts_Hero991 (Anonymous) · Date: 08/22/05 16:14 · For: Chapter 1: Dangerous Attraction
Your description of... well, of everything is just great. I really enjoyed it. A bit confusing at the absolute most, but I'm sure I'll catch on. There WILL be more chapters, right? I can't really tell, I'm pretty sure, though. But I'm still not positive- is Siohban (that IS how you spell it right? Sorry if its not) a nice person, or truly a cold-hearted Slytherin? She seemed nice to Harry & co., but her being attracted to Lucius doesn't seem like something a sweet, light-hearted girl would do. Well anyway, I really liked this!

Author's Response: Thanks very much :D Sorry if it was confusing, though. Is Siobhan a nice person? Well, she's just a person - she has qualities and she has flaws, some people like her and some people don't. I don't expect all my readers to come to the same conclusion of Siobhan. She isn't cold-hearted, I'll tell you that. Thanks for reading and reviewing :D

Name: sweetie_117 (Signed) · Date: 08/19/05 1:11 · For: Chapter 1: Dangerous Attraction
That was really well written. Amazing description. This has made me *love* Siobahn uuurgh I know i spelled that wrong. Update soon! 10/10

Author's Response: Thank you very much :D

Name: Lycanthropist (Signed) · Date: 08/10/05 3:12 · For: Chapter 1: Dangerous Attraction
Well, I thought it was high time I reviewed one of your stories, and this was the first [and shortest] one that came to mind, LOL. Anyway, on with the review.

You have amazing description and characterisation abilities, you know that? The first paragraphs were astoundingly well-done and thought-provoking. Though it may not be for you, but for most, describing Lucius without blatant hatred is a difficult feat, and to go as far as to describe an adolescent's infatuation with him is beyond my own abilities. I commend you! Though, there were two things I was bothered with, but they're not valid criticisms, more of a preference really. Of course, the detail of "ice-blue eyes" annoyed me, but it's more for portrayal of Lucius rather than flowery language. So disregard that one. The other I have is with this particular sentence: A subtle look of intrigue overtook his softly age-lined features, a tiny hint of a confident smile curling the corner of his lip before he turned back to the witch he had been conversing with dully. I found this sentence to be a bit wordy and thought "age-lined" sounded funny, but otherwise, I have no other qualms.

Though she undoubtedly found the man痴 disinterest in his wife entertaining, Siobhan Murphy caught herself sympathizing with his plight. Sometimes the road taken in life calls a person to involve themselves with the least desirable of companions, and Siobhan felt that she would understand the feeling very soon. I loved this paragraph. The language, the characterisation, everything about it sums up Siobhan's character, to me.

She would get what she wanted, no matter who she had to involve herself with. Her Slytherin ambition is tantalizing to my senses. I've always loved a Slytherin not involved with their own housemates, but one that's still just as nastily evil, without all the prejudice and killing.

And here enters ferret boy, er, Malfoy. I've suddenly lost my appetite. He's sly, but he leaves a sickening trail of slime in his wake. Poor Siobhan, having to be hit upon by a ratfink like him, let alone associate with him on a daily basis during school, no doubt. Not only do you write him as a ratfink, but he's horrible at pick-up lines. I doubt he got these bad pick-up skills from his father. Now obviously, I've just complimented you on your ability to write Malfoy in-character.

She didn稚 reply, but merely raised her eyebrow and gave him the same tiny shadow of a smile before turning away and looking out the window. In the reflection of the glass, she saw Draco looked very pleased with himself as he looked her up and down, before turning and leaving with his arrogant swagger. Siobhan rolled her eyes with a tiny laugh at how quickly he had fallen for her ploy. I loved the way she teases Draco, leading him on and letting his ego inflate, but I'm sure he's going to be in for a rude awakening. Though, that may not happen for quite some time.

Lovely description of the trio and friends entering her compartment, and the hesistance of coming into "Slytherin" territory.

Anyway, moving onto Ginny's outburst. Brilliantly done and in-character. I didn't even expect it either. Her abruptness and fiery attitude were well-characterised and Siobhan's response was very telling of the person she is. And to concur with Siobhan, "it was clear that she was suffering from deep emotional wounds." Wonderfully depicted.

What an awesome start and I'm patiently waiting for chapter two. I have no other criticisms for you, just a threatening note waiting if this isn't updated soon... Oh wait, I said I'm patiently waiting, aren't I? Darn! No threatening letter then... ::pouts::

Author's Response: Oh, it means so much for Lurker Kay to review my story :D And such a lovely review, at that. Thank you, and chapter two is up, I hope you enjoy it.

Name: BlackClaude (Signed) · Date: 06/20/05 0:27 · For: Chapter 1: Dangerous Attraction
I love Siobhan! She's an excellent OC. I was afraid she might be too much a typical Slytherin until she spoke "quietly, dropping her indifference out of respect." It's a refreshing change from Slytherins that we normally see; she actually has humanity, despite her aloofness. The way she appreciated their quiet company on the train suggests that she's not just a one-dimensional loner/rebel. And man can that girl fantasize! That was some hot writing right there. I can't wait to see how she uses Draco to get to Lucius. It was great how she controlled him and how she (rightly) considers herself so unequivocally superior to him. Her assessment was hilarious, too: "a whisper that Siobhan was sure he had at least intended to be attractive." Not much concrit, I just have to echo Maeve on "He said a few words dismissively, and the woman nodded begrudgingly and left the platform stiffly." I'm an adverb addict too and it's hard to shake them when they're so nicely descriptive, but three in one sentence is a bit much. Also, "Siobhan spotted the Potter and Granger shift uncomfortably in their seats." Unless she's really objectifying Harry, I think the "the" should be removed. I'm eagerly awaiting more of Siobhan; keep her scandalous! ;)

Author's Response: *glows* There's no words sweeter than those that compliment one's own original character :) Thank you sooo much! I will have to see to that triple adjective sentence... and I didn't even notice 'the Potter' (nor has anyone else, it seems) - thanks for that! Yes - Siobhan is quite talented at fantasizing :) I think I'll keep her daydreams going throughout, as everyone seems to be enjoying them as much as Miss Murphy herself. I definitely promise t okeep her *scandalous*! Thanks again, love!

Name: Magical Maeve (Signed) · Date: 06/15/05 4:58 · For: Chapter 1: Dangerous Attraction
Sorry to spam your reviews but I just have to add that I did put formatting in that review and for some reason MNFF ignored it and made it one big splodgy mess...I'm sorry your poor eyes will have to read it without proper formatting. *Glares angrily at MNFF*

Name: Magical Maeve (Signed) · Date: 06/15/05 4:57 · For: Chapter 1: Dangerous Attraction
Never having met Siobhan before, this was quite a treat and I think I’m glad I’ve met her when she is the main focus of the story. I like her, a lot. I love her quiet confidence and the occasional glimpse of vulnerability, as in the carriage scene where she feels she would like to belong to something. I think that says a lot about Slytherin and her relationship with her house. Characterisation throughout was excellent, especially Ginny. I loved her scenes and the way she matter-of-factly asked Siobhan whether she minded them talking. It was good to have her be the one to cut through the small talk and get them to face up to what has happened. (An interesting little mystery here that you have cunningly introduced, just who has died?) Overall your writing style is very enjoyable to read, it flows well and keeps the reader engaged with both the dialogue and the action. Your scene setting is very good, although I wouldn’t have minded a bit more here and there, and your character descriptions hit the spot every time. (Except for my pet hate of jade green eyes…I think it’s an erroneous description for green eyes and I would lose the jade, green would be fine on its own.)
So, concrit. Well, I beta’d this chapter as a trial for a new way of doing reviews so I’ll pick out the more salient points. In the first sentence I would lose the first ‘him’, it introduces us to the story with a repetition that could easily be solved by replacing that first him with the man. Second paragraph and third has a close repetition of ice (I’m the repetition nazi, just ask MJ). You have faces speeding by in a blur as the train is leaving the station; now I’ve never known a train, diesel or steam, leave a station that quickly. Repetition of Hogwarts with Hogwarts express and Hogwarts, the second one could be just school. He said a few words dismissively, and the woman nodded begrudgingly and left the platform stiffly, This sentence had me wincing, three adjectives! LOL You need to lose at least one, possibly two but you could get rid of all three by doing it like this…” He threw her a few dismissive words and she gave him a begrudging nod before leaving the platform, her figure rigid with frustration.” You also have Siobhan resting her head against the window of her carriage twice, which isn’t that bad a repetition but I noticed it, which generally tells me it could be changed to remove the possibility of anyone else noticing it and interrupting the flow of the reading. she eyed the reflected images of her travelling companions, wondering what could have them so unhappy. You need a made in there and then later, when Siobhan is looking in the mirror I would change ‘inside which’ to ‘in the glass’ Okay, enough of the crit! There were other things that could be changed to made some of the lines flow a little better so if you want to see them I could always send you the edited text.
Now, what did I really, really love? Well this line for starters “A subtle look of intrigue overtook his softly age-lined features” That was a beautiful line, it has everything, characterisation, poetic prose and great character description. “but Siobhan wasn’t the kind of girl to give up on her objectives until she was successful, or at least no longer entertained with them.” I love this, she’s giving herself a great get out clause for giving up on something, if she’s bored she’s out of there! A girl after my own heart! “The only thought that unsettled her was not that he might be too old, but that she might be too young.” This shows terrific self-awareness on Siobhan’s part. She knows damn well that she will take on an older man… but will he take on a younger girl? “ Everywhere else is full, she thought with annoyance. What a lovely way of implying that he’d much rather not join me” Siobhan the cynic, she really looks on the downside here. But, of course, she’s probably right. “Though she still found him, in all other walks of life, utterly useless” this, and the comment about Draco intending to be attractive had me snorting with laughter. You get two for the price of one characterisation here, Draco’s self-inflated ego and Siobhan’s world-weariness.
So, I wasn’t intending getting any reviews done this week what with recovering from the holiday and trying desperately to get HPDL finished. But Siobhan intrigued me and there was just so much meat in this chapter that I couldn’t resist. Looking forward to the next one, great, great introduction!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! You would not believe how wide my smile is right now! You've made my day! Hehe. Well, thanks for the crit.. I'll get to that. Just structure and word use, so it shouldn't be too difficult. Thank you so much for all the praise, too :) :) :). As for Siobhan's 'jade' green eyes... the thing is, when I picture her, her eyes are literally a dull green. Almost gray. I feel it adds to her sometimes indifferent attitude... if that makes sense...

Thanks again!

Name: ShareeLenae90 (Signed) · Date: 06/10/05 22:50 · For: Chapter 1: Dangerous Attraction
Great.. I like how well you portray Siobhan.. Its interesting.. and I really want to know which person lost which family member in the room(forgot what its called) Anyway great story and update soon!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! And you'll find the answer to your question within the next couple of chapters :)

Name: QueenHal (Signed) · Date: 06/09/05 21:38 · For: Chapter 1: Dangerous Attraction
Oh Jenne this is even more exquisitely captivating than I imagined it would be. Siobhan is easily a favorite in BD because of her wit and mystery, but this one... oh this one is fun. From the first line, I was completely drawn in. I love seeing from behind her eyes. Seeing the other characters (not just the group of six, but the Malfoys as well) through different but extremely perceptive eyes was a treat. Your story is darker, more dangerous... I can feel it already. It's got me very very excited. Write on, my dear! (Oh and, I am inspired now. I shall make your Siobhan image, but I think I will now make it for this story rather than BD.)

Author's Response: Siobhan is a favorite in BD? Yay! I love getting to write a story through her eyes instead of Harry's, it's a nice change and a lot of fun. Dark and Dangerous - yes. And thank you SO much for the images, again :)

Name: Fantasium (Signed) · Date: 06/09/05 13:08 · For: Chapter 1: Dangerous Attraction

Believe me, I didn稚 miss that it was here... But I had to read it a couple of times and then allow it some think-time before reviewing. To start with, the tone is remarkably like something I知 reading (on-paper) at the moment, it almost startled me. Also, it surprised me to see it begin in such a familiar environment, for some reason I had pictured something completely different.
You know already what I think of the 登ther Siobhan you have presented, this one is more personal, much more captivating clearly because it痴 from her perspective. Your words feel carefully chosen and weighed, to introduce her exactly right, spot-on. The thoughts, the monologue; her character grows quickly and confidently before my eyes. Her choices and decisions, the way she looks at 吐ellow students, it all paints a colourful and in a way a rather frightening person. I already love her attitude towards Draco, I can稚 wait to see the way he will serve her purposes.

The arrival of Ginny had me jumping slightly and I had to remind myself for a second, what I was doing, what I was reading. Hehe, I would really have liked you to write something Ginny, yours beats most versions I have come along. But never mind, this is not about her.

I find it very interesting to compare this story to your others, since I致e read all that痴 there. My English is starting to falter me now, I don稚 know what to say about the comparison this is deeper, the language is better (no, different, but yes, better)... What can I say? Well done! - I suppose!

Here was I, thinking I had escaped recent years of reading into the fairly innocent world of hp and all of a sudden I知 back in a place I had not realised I missed. (Argh, I need to go to the library again!) It痴 a brilliant opening chapter, but I still feel as teased as when I first read the title long ago Sins of the Father. *more think-time* The hawk eye will be watching for chapter two, be so sure.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! You are definitely one of my favorite readers :) Chapter Two is on it's way. (As for Ginny, I'm thinking of writing a bit of Sirius/Ginny, soon *wink*). I hope you enjoy what's coming :)

Name: caren_the_hpfan (Signed) · Date: 06/07/05 1:38 · For: Chapter 1: Dangerous Attraction

Jenna, I was starting to wonder if your story would ever appear - after seeing your cool banner over and over. And here it is! Yes! I've heard too much about it, so I figured it must be better than great from MJ and Em. And guess what? It is! I haven't read much of your writing except R/Hr one-shots, which obviously wasn't enough. I have a feeling that Harry Potter and the Blood Debt might become a must-read. Okay... review. And that means concrit. :)

First for a few grammar mistakes I caught... I know you have to describe original characters a lot more than a usual writer, because Siobhan doesn't know their names. So, when using terms like "brown haired," I would suggest changing them to "brown-haired." There are a few other instances, such as "bushy haired," "dirty blonde" and "round faced." This would also apply to "green laced" and "thestral drawn." Also, on the subject of Luna's hair - there shouldn't be a comma after "blonde."

On Ginny's outburst, I'm questioning her sudden inability to speak with proper grammar. I don want to discuss what colors the walls are! Does she really mean "don'?" Why does nobody want to talk about it? And why wouldn't she say, "Why doesn't anybody want to talk about it?" She may be emotionally distraught, but it's not my first instinct to speak in her manner. And on "Well, Miss. Murphy - each of us..." Should there be a period after "miss?"

Oh, and by the way - I love Siobhan. (I love her name too - 'tis awesome. And beautiful.) Her personality is addictive, and to get inside her head is more bait than I can handle. ;) She fascinates me, especially the way she views others. I can tell that her vocabulary has been well-chosen - not one of a total intellectual, but one truly unique to her character. I almost smiled when she thought of Harry Potter as only a "boy." There's nothing else I can say about her. You've done a wonderful job of carefully constructing your OC.

And Draco is very much in character; you caught his swagger, scowl and drawl just right. I could see him leaning into her compartment and smiling as he left. Great imagery and nice characterization. And, of course, Lucius. I liked the clever way you introduced his wife - "The woman, with a gold band around her ring finger..." - and, unfortunately, the way he sent her off. Power is so intoxicating. ;) And a wow at how many times you mentioned a reference to cold in the very first paragraph without being repetitive. It certainly describes Lucius!

I thought it odd that she had a cat with her. She seemed too distant on the outside to show that kind of affection - but then, this is the first chapter. Hopefully that cat won't be so much of hanger-on than usual. :D And the part when the yellow walls of the compartment were mentioned, I nearly laughed, then remembered what I was reading. LOL. The bond between the six in the carriage, excluding Siobhan of course, seems a lot stronger, and communicated with what I like to call an economy of language - not too verbose but giving us exactly what we need.

*blink* Have I given you too much concrit? I just thought I'd mention anything that came to mind as I read. Anyway, it's great that this is the first chapter. This story has enormous potential, and I think you are quite up to the challenge. An excellent read that will stay on my favorites for a very, very long time! Awesome to see it (finally) and even better to read it! Here's the usual from me: please update (!), because I'm an annoyingly impatient person, and I need more of Siobhan and the story. Looking forward to chapter two!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Favorite review of all time, I swear!

I went ahead and fixed the errors you pointed out, thank you very much. I'm so glad you like Siobhan's character - that's one of the best compliments a writer can receive. About Mian - Siobhan may *seem* distant, but no matter what way you look at it, she needs a companion, no? Cats are pretty independent, anyway. Besides, Siobhan isn't what she seems.

I'm trying to reach my potential with this story, and with all of my more recent works - so my R/Hr one-shots and Harry's Sixth Year will seem very different in style and quality, to say the least.

Thanks so much, dearest! This has made my day! A lovely early birthday gift, indeed.

Name: MADJH (Signed) · Date: 06/07/05 0:09 · For: Chapter 1: Dangerous Attraction
I love you, you know that right! I promise I will leave a proper review later, but right now I just want to congratulate you on finally getting this posted and beg you for the second chapter! Gimme my Scandalous Liasons!

Author's Response: *Begging noted* :p

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