Jenna! Chapter five! *dies* Lucius and Siobhan and Narcissa and Draco and Harry and . . . Okay, I'll shut up. But seriously, this chapter's got me practically bouncing off of the walls. The chapter title started it, but now that Siobhan is finally at Malfoy Manor, I'm really ecstatic. My reviews aren't all *squee*-you-updated-now-update-some-more (though they seem like it). :DI really had to appreciate how you've portrayed Harry. He's still got some of his old, less mature self in him, but you've clearly shown that he's much more mature now. The opening dialogue was perfect. It's evident they've become a lot closer in the last few months. “And even if I asked, you wouldn't tell me. So there's no point, is there?” That right there was dead on. He's one of Siobhan's best friends, yet he still retains his loathing for Malfoy. I love how you've balanced it; how Harry and Draco both mind very much but still like Siobhan too much to do anything drastic. I like how concerned for Siobhan and the danger she's in while at Malfoy Manor. It really established their bond.
Oh goddess, how I laughed at Ron's attention span. “Sounds like a tough role,” Weasley said with a pitiful sigh. “Good luck with that - wait… where's Hermione?” LOL! That is so true. Luna... mmm. I love it. Well, actually, I love that you made an allusion to Narnia and magical wardrobes. (*<3s Jenna*) I was reading Haley's fic today, and I even reviewed. She made a reference to Narnia too; the Horse and his Boy are a Thestral and its rider, Harry. Strange, isn't it?“Here,” she whispered, removing chocolate frogs from her pocked and holding them out to the elves that had busied themselves with Siobhan and Draco's trunks. “Have some chocolate…” When I first read that part, I was a little confused about who was talking. You just mentioned both Narcissa and Siobhan the sentence before, and while logic told me it was Siobhan who was handing out chocolate, the “Siobhan and Draco's trunks” suggested that Siobhan was not speaking. I would substitute the first “she” with Siobhan and replace “Siobhan and Draco's trunks” with “the heavy trunks.”
Now on to Narcissa. She's so two-dimensional in canon; well, we hardly see anything of her but her moments of weakness at Spinner's End. I found myself nodding along to your descriptions: the fur probably demanding “the lives of a dozen small mammals” (haha) and her cold appraisal, so quickly done that she gives Siobhan a “weak smile” right afterward. Her incessant gossiping and prattling is so irritating; I can understand why Lucius wants to infuriate his wife so much. And why he gives Siobhan special treatment. ;)I held off my paragraph of little things that I suggest you fix. So, without further ado, here it is. :D Siobhan's cat, Mian, was curled in the blonde Ravenclaw's arms That sentence needs a period at the end, and wouldn't Mian be “curled up” in Luna's arms? That would make more sense to me. After retrieving a purring Mian from Luna Siobhan spun around in search of Draco, finally finding him trying to shake Parkinson off his robes. A comma after Luna, please? I got really confused by the five names in that sentence. After what felt like an eternity the Hogwarts Express finally pulled into the platform, causing Siobhan's stomach to twist nervously as she felt the train shudder to a stop. I would do the same thing on this sentence and add a comma after eternity. But other than that, this chapter was error-free and clean.
*contented sigh* That was really good, and fulfilled my occasional craving for Lucius/Siobhan. ;) I simply cannot wait for the next chapter-finally, some action! Or, at least, interaction between Siobhan and Lucius. *cough* I meant as in, they actually talk to each other. Or something. You know what I mean. Anyway, update as soon as you can and you will have one very happy reader. (And reviewer, if she's in a reviewing mood. Or if the deadline for SPEW sneaks up on her. *dies*) And oh! I just noticed I was your first reviewer! That makes me happy too. *grins*
Author's Response: Pollen dear - I put the wardrobe bit in thinking of you, and I didn't even know if you were still reading - but you've read and you caught it! Yay! :)
I'm trying with Narcissa - I have an image of her for this story that has to work. I'm trying to get in who she is, and how Siobhan sees her, how Lucius sees her, how Draco sees her. She's not as important as the other three, but she's reasonably so. I'm glad you picked up on what I've done so far :)
I love the suggestions, and again, I'll be sure to fix them when I get around to it. >.> *cough*
I just want to say, welcome to the 'ship, deanine ;) (Sorry sorry, I know im spamming, but I had to say it!)
Author's Response: SPAMMER! :P
When a chapter makes me go emotionally haywire, flop on the floor, and have a siezure, the author has done their job well.
The anticipation is really building at this point. What will happen when Siohban gets her fantasy?
I did want to make a comment this time about Harry's other friends. I know Siobhan isn't really a part of their inner circle. I know her friendship is with Harry. I just keep expecting to occasionally hear the other's voices in here. Harry caught her kissing Draco, and he was there with his friends. I was waiting to hear Ron's "Bloody Hell." Hermione pushing Harry and the lot toward the exit to make sure they didn't get into a bar room brawl. It's like they others are on mute?
Well, I'm eagerly awaiting Christmas now, and I have decided to support Harry/Siobhan as a romance officially. If you're not going there, I'll survive, but I like the idea!!
Happy Writing :)
Author's Response: Hope you don't mind me responding to everything in this one review :) It's just easier, hehe
Your questions answered: No, Siobhan's name doesn't hold any particular meaning. Sometimes my names do, sometimes they don't. The only real significance is that it's an Irish name, and she's Irish. Siobhan actually started out as a minor character in my seventh year story, before she was a Slytherin, before she had her thing for Lucius. She just reallly grew on me ;)
Though the story is about Siobhan and Lucius - Draco plays a big role in the story, and will continue to do so. In Siobhan's eyes, he'll always be pretty pathetic, though the sense of the word might change. I don't want to spoil anything, but Draco is meant to be pitied, and it seems you've picked up on that very early :) Nice.
Hmm, more than friendship for Harry & Siobhan. Well, there are definitely some H/S shippers out there [see Fantasium and QueenHal if you're looking to join the club!], and they have a connection, but in this world, they'll pretty much stay platonic. ['Pretty much']. There isn't 'nothing' between them, I would very much like to write a H/S romance, but in this world, they have their attachments, and not to each other.
Siobhan is very much blinded when it comes to Lucius. You'll notice that in her thoughts - she makes excuses for him. She doesn't realise everything about his person. She doesn't discover straight away his true nature - it's a gradual thing. There are definitely consequences to her actions.
I've taken into account what you said about Harry's other friends, and you might notice in Chapter 5 that I'm actually taking that into account whilst I'm writing. I guess I didn't write their reactions because I basically saw them sitting there like 'wth?'. Harry was even mostly speechless ;)
Thanks for reviewing, I'm glad you're enjoying it!
There is a lovely, balanced, circular, kharmic beauty to this fic. Siohban doesn't really see the scope of the circle, not yet (I don't think). Draco uses Pansy to get what he wants without any genuine affection. Siohban is doing the same with Draco. Draco is both user and used. Who will complete the circle and use Siohban? I would wager Lucious will hurt her badly before this is over.
You answered a lot of questions for us this chapter. Who Siohban saw die was a big one for me, though I forgot to bring it up earlier.
The slowly burgeoning friendship between her and Harry is very natural and a pleasure to read. Don't know if he will ever be an alternative romance for her, but I'm really warming to the idea, and I'm a Harry/Ginny shipper. :)
I have a constructive comment this time. It took me three chapters but I had to spot something eventually!
"She found the teacher as behind her desk scribbling comments on students’ scrolls."
The as seems out of place there.
Overall, I'm still haveing a blast reading this fic. Unfortunately, I think I'm about to fun out of chapters...
And the plot thickens. Yes, Draco is rather evil most of the time and insufferably bigoted, but I still feel sorry for him in this fic. He is enamoured of a girl who is hopelessly in lust with an image of his father (one that I'm not so sure she will find to be acurate). Her fantasies are nice, but will the man really live up to them? Honestly, I'm a little worried for Siohban. I could see Lucious chewing her up and spitting her out.
The interaction with Harry was intriguing. I wonder, foreshadowing of a friendship to come? Or maybe even more, Harry does like redheads...
What a deliciously cynical, manipulative, mesmerizing original character. She knows what she wants and she's ready to go get it. I wonder if she will still want the same things after she has it?
Putting the trio and company in the compartment for the train ride was masterfully done. They showed up, provided interaction with your OC, helped ground her in this universe, but it wasn't a forced interaction at all. She wasn't an intrusion, but an observer.
As a character, Siobhan is interesting and fun to read. I don't know that I like her, per se, as in I don't think we'd be friends, but definitely fun to read.
Several questions ran through my head as I was reading.
Siobhan? Does it have a meaning as a name or an overarcing significance to the story?
Will I continue to get these strange, poor Draco feelings when viewing him through Siobhan's less than rose tinted glasses?
Will Pansy make an appearance? She is sort of Draco's cannon female protector. I don't think she'd like Siobhan.
Overall, this was a well rounded introduction, with an intriguing OC. :)
I apologize in advanced that this review won't be as long as my previous one, but as a consolation prize, I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. Your writing is so fluent and easy to follow, it makes the read quick but satisfying.
I love Siobhan's scheme to go through Draco to get to Lucius, as revolting as it may be for her. I just love how her mind works. It's complex, but yet simple, if that makes sense. Also, her fantasies are so detailed and tantalizing (there's that word again...), even if they are about Lucius.
I adored every scene of this chapter, especially Siobhan and Harry's short conversation in Transfiguration. I'm looking forward to seeing her and Harry's friendship unfold. The last scene... Once again, I must say, I seriously believe Draco did not inherit those killer moves that Lucius puts on Siobhan in her fantasies. 'Like father, like son,' does not apply.
Anyway, lovely chapter. Hopefully I'll be able to get to chapter three soon, ;).
Author's Response: Thanks, dearest Kay. I'm always very honoured to recieve a review from our resident Lurker, hehe. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter, and I hope you continue to do so. You're feedback means alot to me!
Ooooo.... getting closer and closer. I believe I'm starting to feel the vibrating hum of how close it is.
Each chapter gets more and more delicious. And while we were totally spoiled by the BD action you wrote a few days ago, there's nothing like the buildup to get the heart racing.
You had some wonderful dialogue in this chapter, as in the previous. I believe that's my favorite part of this story as a whole, actually (well besides the obvious). It's terribly clever. Something I love about your writing is how you let the reader feel as if they're sharing this devious little secret, and not so much reading a story.
I agree completely with Fantasium and what she said about the “benefits associated” lines, and it goes back to what I said above. When she makes the exchange with Harry, I just got this giddy feeling inside. It’s quite fun, and very clever.
I love seeing Siobhan’s little thoughts to herself in the middle of dialogue. She’s so deadpan and dry in the way she thinks, yet it’s completely hilarious. I wish you would add more of that.
It’s refreshing, yet strange, to see Harry interact with Siobhan in this story as opposed to BD. Their chemistry seems very different, though no less strong, somehow. I also don’t see Harry as emotionally developed as he has become in BD, so I think he’s learning something from his friendship with Siobhan that’s very critical to his character. Or something. I’m not sure exactly what I’m saying. I will say though, that I like it. And for the sake of the storyline, it’s much harder to ship them in this universe ;)
I’m very curious about Liam. Is he her twin? That’s something I’m not sure on, because you said she was the same age, but always referred to him as her brother rather than her twin brother. Why didn’t Liam go to Hogwarts with Siobhan? Why did her mother separate them? Is the first time she sees him again when he comes to the Weasley’s door in 7th year? Except wait, this is 7th year too, in an AU than BD, right? Oh now I’m confusing myself.
Anyway, well done as usual Miss Jenna, well done.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review as usual - now I get to answer your questions about Liam, and I'll try to keep it as simple as possible, but rest assured that I'll be explaining more in the story, and that in the context it will make much more sense
To start with - BD & Sins are seperate worlds. Just think of it as all the rest of fan-fiction. There will be some obvious paralleles, but many contradictions. It's an AU type thing - what would happen if things happened this way instead of that way
Liam is not Siobhan's twin. He is one month older than her - they share the same father, but have different mothers. That is why Siobhan went to England with her mother, but Liam stayed in Ireland.
Make sense? For now at least? Hehe. Again, muchos gracias for the review :D
*happy sigh* How have we deserved this? Well, we might not have deserved it at all, but I’ve still enjoyed it immensely. :) I know it’s not much in return, but perhaps you’d still like a review? Sure? Well, here goes then:
Liam! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I liked the piece of background story, and the beautiful brother/sister relationship. I found this part particularly emotional and relevant for the story we’re reading: ‘“Of course we will. Even if we have to wait until we’re grown-ups, we’ll see each other.”’ The scene is quite brief, but I still think you manage to capture Siobhan’s emotions well, her sorrow is clear but not exaggerated. Shannon gave me the creeps, I found her truly believable and she reminded me of my awful aunt. (And the general idea also reminded me of someone else, but that’s not for me to speculate on.) I started thinking when reading this part: ‘“Siobhan – come here before I make you!” she snarled, moving towards the two children and grabbing her daughter’s hand.’ - at first I just read it like a lot of mothers would have said it, then I started thinking of how a witch could force her children to do things, by magic. The thought was scary indeed… Lingering on the subject of mothers a little longer, I also only just realised that connection between Harry and Siobhan – neither of them as really had a pleasant mother figure to rely on, have they? Subtle similarity, but clever.
I like how you include this information quite early on in the story, because it is clearly something that has formed Siobhan. We talk story and character development when we discuss fanfiction, or just literature in general, but I think Sins is a good example of how neither could exist without the other. Events change people, and people change events. Who would Siobhan be if she had not been forced away from Ireland and her brother? What would this story be if she had not decided to fulfil her dreams?
Harry, lol! Are we living out our personal anti-fluff feelings through the alter ego? Although, I guess that would be the personal feelings of both of you then, or… Um… never mind! ;) He is adorable of course, but not that bad?
Jokes aside, I think you did some really nice work on Harry’s character in Hogsmeade, his responses to Siobhan were perfect. At first I thought I recognised this as the Harry you have polished up yourself through H6Y and BD, but then it struck me that this version actually had a clear HBP air about him. I can’t point it out though, because he resembles your own too much, it’s just a feeling I got.
I stop help myself from quoting this:
“It’s the day during the year when we give out gifts and decorate pine trees –”
“Siobhan – you know what I… never mind,” Potter said, grinning in spite of himself. “You’re not going to tell me, are you?”’
- Apart from making me laugh out loud, it’s so Siobhan to give that reply, and it’s so Harry to grin at it, especially in spite of himself.
*sighs* Do I have to say something about Draco? Couldn’t we just pretend he’s not there? Aw, I suppose that’s not very nice of me – or perhaps it is, because the reason I feel this way is because you’ve yet again managed to write him completely disgusting. *shudders* The way I see it, there are only two good things about him. Firstly, he serves a purpose, and Siobhan’s mission would be trickier if he didn’t provide a natural link. Secondly, it’s pure enjoyment to see Siobhan manipulate him. Hehe.
If there is something to thank the slimeball for, it’s possibly the fact that he did invite Siobhan to the manor for Christmas. I think it was both nice and necessary for you to include that in this chapter, because it’s a clear point to focus on, something for your readers to look forward to. (By that I mean readers who are not already obsessed with your writing and Siobhan, and who might need such strange things as a plotline… *wink*) That said, I’m still very much looking forward to the time at Malfoy manor. I have no real idea what I expect to happen, I just want to see some interaction – however minor – between the character who means the most to this story, and the person who means the most to her.
Silly review to rush away like that. There was actually something from the beginning that I wanted to highlight:
‘“There are many benefits associated with being his friend, Draco,” she said simply. It was, of course, an untruth.
“There are many benefits associated with doing so, Potter,” she replied simply. Of course, this time, it was the truth.
- CLEVER writing, my dear! I had a little shiver running down my spine when I read the second part of it, simply because I recognised an author in control of her words. It might seem like a simple connection, but in my eyes it’s not. It’s a glowing, impressive sign of someone who is just a little more aware of what is actually coming out of her fingertips, through the keyboard. I’m jealous of the ability, but at the same time I’m so glad you have decided to share your writing.
I only spotted a tiny error: ‘“It’s not usual such a full-time job, but when having a friend has certainly made it more difficult…”’ - I presumed it should be ‘usually’.
*looks above and snickers* All right, promise not to tell any SPEW:ers about this review? It’s not balanced, but what am I to do? It’s hardly my fault you deliver such excellent reading material, and I surely hope I back everything up enough for you to believe me. Because I mean every word of it.
Author's Response: Thanks for this lovely review - lots to respond to!
A lot of what I'm channelling into Sins is that 'What would happen if...' type perspective. Because, this is AU after all. What would happen to Siobhan in Canon [Canon-Canon, not just BD-Canon], is far different than what would happen if Lucius never went to prison. It's an interesting question - what would happen if things were different? Would we be happier? Would things be worse off? In the end, I think Siobhan's life will never be totally sad, nor will it be totally happy ['This ain't no bed of nails, but they're not roses just the same]. But that's how most people live. Had she not moved to England, she never would have known Lucius, but she also wouldn't have known Harry, she wouldn't have been given Lucille - and despite all the heartache he does cause her, I like to think Siobhan's life is incomplete without Lucius. He's a part of her.
Hmm, I didn't think that I was living out anti-fluff feelings, but perhaps I was ;) Mostly, that was in there, because obviously it's going to come back to bite her in the arse... the things we say about what we cannot foresee, how interesting they are.
I'm glad you caugh that repeated sentiment ;) And thanks for the nitpick which, again, I'm sure I'll get around to eventually. I think I've talked to much, now. Hehe. Thank you!
*giggles* I love that last bit. Yes, Malfoy is a git. But one which will lead Siobhan to Lucius. And that makes him useful. Mmm mmmm good. Another supurb chapter. Witty banter is always nice. It's also nice to find out about the background of Siobhan. But that's just it, it was nice. I NEED LUCIUS ACTION. Ahem. *calms myself*
Author's Response: *hugs Haley* Well, well... *eyes a very upcoming chapter*, it seems your needs will be getting met (and plentifully, at that!)
Another chapter… After a bit of pondering, we have now come to review-time.
You are providing a fairly unique view of Pansy Parkinson, through Siobhan’s eyes. There are fics in which she belongs with Draco, and yes, I would be quite quick to guess that there are fics where she stands in the way of another girl who wishes to be with young Mr Malfoy. But here, Siobhan has no interest in Draco apart from him being a tool towards success in her own plan, and so the little notice she takes of Pansy becomes original. Through Siobhan, I also come to pity Pansy in a way. She’s foolish indeed, I see nothing to respect about her, but she is being used and to me she seems like a product straight from the society of Pure-bloods. I liked the sentence in which you wrapped up the situation: ‘His behaviour was disgusting, and Parkinson’s continued devotion was pathetic.’
Trust you to be unpredictable! ;) ‘Siobhan turned from McGonagall to see Potter walking quietly into the office; relief swept over her.’ - relief, of course not because it is Harry, but because it is not Draco. Naturally, I had expected to see a bit of Harry in SotF since I knew he would be friends with Siobhan later on in life. But I thought for sure she would have to live through a detention with Draco long before she would find herself in the much envied company of Harry. (Much envied by me, that is.) I know this is Siobhan’s story, but oh! the Harry you’re writing. He seems more troubled than in any of your other fics, quite understandable too. At the same time he’s the Harry he has always been, hexing Malfoy and being his sweet and simple self with, ‘“Draco Malfoy’s a git, isn’t he?” he offered.’
The deaths! *gasp* Molly – how could you!?! No… if I should try and be sensible. I thought it was a very believable follow-up to the happenings in the Department of Mysteries, with the Death Eaters going after their families. Again, this is perhaps not relevant to the story of Siobhan, but it is to all of us who know the characters. You’re quite right to mention it, and you upset at least me maybe more than intended to, but what I like most is that you don’t go too deep into it. Yes, Harry speaks of Petunia and in a very interesting way, but the chapter is not about these deaths. It’s about Siobhan meeting Harry.
‘His green eyes were stormy as they rested a moment on the stone wall of the room; his discordant emotions were swirling and clashing within him, and she could see he didn’t know what to feel.’ - I feel like a copy-cat quoting the same thing as Insecurity. Like her I enjoy the word-art of it, as do I like the repeated references to Harry’s eyes that are different to what you normally see in fanfiction. But more importantly, I like how it shows Siobhan’s ability to watch people and find out things about them. She does know this about Harry merely by watching him, and her ability to draw accurate conclusions from studying people a lot, and talking to them only very little, is remarkable.
Having read Siobhan’s character survey, I feel like all the pieces of information I’ve got of her are like precious pearls, now coming to their right as they are slowly and carefully put together to a necklace.
I’ll once again repeat a quote: ‘This drew a smile from Siobhan, and the two passed the rest of their tedious evening with a steady dialogue very much at the expense of their mutual blonde-haired nemesis.’ - there was something so warm about these words. Not only has Harry found a way to connect with Siobhan, he made her smile and led her into a ‘steady dialogue’ – something I think they could both do with.
I’ve only got two things I’d like to add something to. Firstly, this line: ‘“I had no doubt you had were a smart girl, Miss Murphy,” McGonagall said with a stern but forgiving smile.’ - I’m not sure that McGonagall would use the word ‘smart’, I think she would be much more likely to say ‘clever’. ‘Smart’ in this sentence looks like American English to me.
And here: ‘To some, their exchange might have seemed brief, the silence a final punctuation to their words.’ - a tiny thing, but I think I would have preferred if it had said ‘To most people’ or ‘To an/any outsider’, or something similar. That would have made the pause even more private to Siobhan and Harry.
Lovely, Jenna. You know my loyalties are hopelessly torn between Sins and Blood Debt, and after the latest chapter of the latter I thought again that the matter was solved. Now, when you deliver this – I’m back to where I started!
Author's Response: Did you really think that Harry was unpredictable? *hee* That's good. I thought that Draco would be too obvious, and that everyone would guess I was doing it on purpose, so as I could sneak in Harry. But this pleases me :) And I'll take your nitpicks into consideration, but as I've told everyone else, as much as I'll consider changing them, I have no idea when, or if, I'll get around to doing it. *blush*. :)
Yay! Another brilliant chapter! The mood has changed, the conversation between Harry and Siobhan highlights the dangerous world they now live in and nicely reminds the reader that it won’t all be fun and games. I like how you’ve shifted the focus away from Draco for a chapter and by having her interact with Harry we are beginning to see more depth. Harry is very true to the book, although I personally may have portrayed him as a little more tense and jumpy at Siobhan’s speculation. I like how you’ve given a small piece of Siobhan’s history, dangled it in front of the reader, and then abruptly taken it away without revealing everything that happened. This chapter isn’t as “exciting” as previous ones, but I can see you are building it up more now, it’s starting to take shape.
In the aftermath of the encounter with Draco, Siobhan had not yet had to deal with him any further.
This opening sentence could be worded better, in my opinion. Possibly: “Siobhan didn’t have to deal with Draco after their encounter in the Common Room.” Possibly include a sentence about how relieved she is about this.
Seeming pleased at having made progress with her, he had reduced his advances to mere flirtations and directed his attention to keeping Pansy Parkinson dangling on a string – after all, he could not afford to lose his faithful lapdog after the years of adequate, but consistent, service she had provided him.
This is quite a tongue twisting sentence that I believe could be broken down a little better. I like her perception of Draco, so brutally honest as she lays bear his crude intentions. I think you could have gone into a little more detail, giving a few examples of how Pansy had been around him lately and whether he reacted different to her after his “seduction” of Siobhan.
He had been using her since he learned how to operate his equipment.
I found this line humorous, a feminist twist on the chauvinistic male, subtly degrading his manhood and showing Siobhan’s criticism of a woman who allows herself to be used by men like Draco.
Siobhan wondered how Hogwarts would get everything done if students starting abiding the rules and teachers no longer had the excuse of detention to delegate menial tasks upon them.
I loved this line because it is very true to the school I am in. I sincerely believe that the teachers love to give a detention just so they know that one tedious task has been taken off their hands. Siobhan’s scepticism and view of adults is intriguing, she can see their faults as easily as she can see her fellow students’ – such an astute observer! One nitpick though – I had to look up the meaning of “menial” and I believe it would be better to use “boring” so as not to confuse some of your readers.
The air was filled with thoughts floating above each of their heads, thoughts that wanted to be shared.
I love this line because it has a minimalist style whilst creating a mystic image in our minds. Your descriptions are not over-powering but they are still very vivid. Here you’ve managed to portray their desire to open up to one another really well.
Their agenda was brought on by a desire for dominance and a mistaken sense of superiority and they quenched their thirst for power with the blood of others.
This description of the Death Eaters is wonderful – not only because of your accurate portrayal but also because it is coming from Siobhan’s POV. How interesting that Siobhan, the girl infatuated by Lucius Malfoy, would hate his vocation so passionately. The idea of “mistaken sense of superiority” is a brilliant way of showing the aloofness of the aristocracy, especially considering the aloofness of Siobhan – she can distinguish between her own superior attitude, stemming form her own confidence, and the attitude of the corrupted Death Eaters.
His green eyes were stormy as they rested a moment on the stone wall of the room; his discordant emotions were swirling and clashing within him.
Lovely piece of imagery! Of all the different ways his eyes are described in various fan fictions – this is one of the most unique and striking. This one sentence sums up Harry’s heartache and uncomfortable situation very well.
Very much at the expense of their mutual blonde-haired nemesis.
I’m glad you ended the same way you began – taking the mess out of that wimpy little thing I am beginning to despise. It adds a light humour at the end of a very serious fan fiction. It helps the reader realise that this fan fiction will have serious elements but isn’t all doom and gloom!
Now I am going to adopt the role of eager fan girl – UPDATE SOON PLEASE! Good luck with everything back home, and keep writing!
Author's Response: Thank you, as always, for the splendid review. I appreciate the suggestions - particularly the first one, and I might just have to steal your wording. That is, of course, if I ever get around to editting it. *cough*. I'm very much appreciative of the positive, too; you provide such wonderful analysis. *giggles*.
Oh, I'm really sorry for it all being a long mess; I had paragraphs, but when I copied it from MW, it all got into one, stpedous mass of a review.
Siobhan, how I love her. It’s one of the best OCs out here; vivid and a revitalizing breath to read. The fact that you’re showing us other sides than her Slytherin qualities is brilliant; she appears much better-rounded then, and a real character. It’s surprised me that I haven’t seen her walk off the screen yet. It’s apparent that you’ve put a lot of work on her – the fact that she actually talks to you is proving this. Her sides are intermingled greatly, and her traits are weaving themselves fittingly together. I like the fact that her good traits can indeed at times be bad, and the opposite around with her bad traits. As we all know, traits are double bladed – a great example here is Harry’s stubbornness and -excuse me-, hero-like act. A line that really showed off her Slytherin qualities was: She would get what she wanted, no matter who she had to involve herself with. It’s an incredibly piquant depiction of her qualities, perfectly Slytherin-ish, and that she’s unwavering and firm in her beliefs. If she wants something, she gets it. Brilliant! Also: though she undoubtedly found the man’s disinterest in his wife entertaining, Siobhan Murphy caught herself sympathizing with his plight. Anna, I love it. This shows of another side of her; may I suggest amusingly dark humour? Her thoughts are similar to Slytherin, and yet an odd contrast to it. She’s got incredibly many layers, and I thank you for making her a so good OC she’s become. I’ve grown to enamour Siobhan (lovely name, by the way), and I feel ashamed that it has taken me half a year to finally review one of your stories. Her confidence and steadfastness is coming along well, and I love the fact that she’s vulnerable to certain things, too. Her characterization is more personal here, more captivating, and it shows in the writing. The writing is altered from HPBD, and I must say it’s to the positive. Your writing, I think, is a nice reflection of her character; the first line, I think, showed her prurient lust towards Lucius, and I gasped positively when reading it. So perfect, oh so perfect; that line manifested your great writing ability. The words, as I said, look like a reflection of her, of her being; the words seems chosen with carefulness, and I must say – they fit spot on. Her confident is growing as the chapter progress, and the fact that you use words like ‘delicate’, etc, express a bit of her character. She’s not afraid to say what she wants, and she has –what can I say – despicable way of depicting Lucius. But I like it! Despite this, she’s a little mystery. I love your unequivocally explicit writing-style; it’s straight at point and a dream to read. No, I’m not a fan easily impressed. The first line - which you without wanted to be captivating - has clung to my mind for weeks. It’s so powerful and you show her licentiousness for Lucius. I know, I told you before. But what really made this line give its accurateness and depth, was the adjectives you picked; that’s what showed her lust. There was something about him that made him irresistible to her. The cold delicacy he laid upon each carefully chosen word when he spoke, There you have it; the sentence that captivated me. Irresistible, cold delicacy and carefully is what made this sentence special. It reflected her personality, her view of him; how she knows how he is, cold, but still can’t resist it. Perfect. A powerful sentence that I have scribbled down as one of my favourite sentences. Great! The writing itself in this instalment sums up her character, gives us a picture of her without you telling us. You’ve got a knack on characterization, dialogue and (needs right words) precise writing-style; it flows well and is easy to keep track on. The characterization is spot on each time, and it’s little to complain about. I loved the portrayal of Ginny; very believable and touching. You’ve managed to set the scenery very well; I imagined how the characters interacted and expressed their contempt or acceptance. I can tell from the way you write that you had a great time writing it; it’s effortless and flowing well. It’s not much nit-picky things to inform you about. However, here and there could get some more scenes. At times you got a bit repetitive, but it’s really nit-picky. In the first paragraph, I think, if it’s possible, that you should loose or change one of the ‘he’. It got a redundant. Feel free to disregard, though, seeing it’s not anything of grave importance, and only my evaluation/estimation. That summer he had filled her waking thoughts, and at night he visited her in her dreams. She longed to put her hands in his sleek blonde hair as it fell around his face and into her own, wanting to listen as he icily whispered her name into her ear. A Great job on showing us her lust - her unquenchable desire for love from a heartless being. The fact that he visited her in her dreams expressed it eloquently. A subtle look of intrigue overtook his softly age-lined features, a tiny hint of a confident smile curling the corner of his lip before he turned back to the witch he had been conversing with dully. Ah, the start of this sentence; I love it. It is marvellously written, containing everything – a hint of poetic, enigmatic, and miscehviousness was what I saw in this writing. However, I’ve different opinions here. The second part got too procrastinative (is that even a word? Well, it’s intended to be an adjective. Lol!) Perhaps you could ditch dully? It isn’t of grave importance, and it would be easier to follow. I think it was a bit too wordy. Or you could try to alter the whole sentence. Personally, when I read this aloud, I think you should merely ditch some of the adjectives that hinder the flow and cohesiveness. Here’s my version: A subtle look of intrigue overtook his softly age-lined features, a hint of a confident smile curling the corner of his lip before he turned to the witch he’d conversing with. I know, not well, but my opinion here is that you should cut some adjectives. It got too much, so I had to re-read the line twice. Perhaps you could leave away age-lined? And instead replace ‘dully’? Whatever you do, an adjective or two ditched would be greatly appreciated. Why I think you could ditch ‘dully’ is because in the next line you’re hinted, again, that the conversation is, well, a bit boring for Lucius. When saying he’s humouring her, I immediately think he think the dialogue apathetic. And the again, in the next paragraph, you tell us that he gets bored. Thus, dully isn’t exactly needed there, don’t you think? She dragged her trunk through the corridor as her orange tabby cat, Mian, pranced alongside her. A lovely little input. It was fun to read a tiny change in the mood. It did not bother her that he was twenty-five years her elder, instead it only heightened her interest. Siobhan felt that men, like wine, were better well-aged. Her character came along well here, too. The fact that she likes old men, and thus scandalous liaisons, is amusingly intriguing to read. She’s got a very snake-ish thought on this matter, and she comes across as a Slytherin perfectly well. It was a scheme that many might deem unlikely to succeed, but Siobhan wasn’t the kind of girl to give up on her objectives until she was successful, or at least no longer entertained with them. She would get what she wanted, no matter who she had to involve herself with. As I’ve said before, this shows her Slytherin side. She’s got so many layers, and you manage to express it explicitly well. You show us her ambitions, her cunning personality, and her stubbornness to get what she wants. But you also give us other traits to her. She stands up for people, and isn’t like a normal Slytherin. Well done! I think I’ve stated enough about her character, so no need to be any more repetitive, is there? The Dialogue is spot on; the arrogance from Malfoy, her cunningness comes out perfectly. We get to see her contempt towards it, and it’s fun to see Malfoy being so blinded not seeing through her that it’s, excuse me, witty to read. “Why do you care, Malfoy?” she replied coolly, but with a flicker of a smile, catching him off guard. He eyed her appraisingly for a moment, before smirking and leaning further into the compartment. “I was just wondering why a lovely lady such as yourself is without company…” he said in a whisper that Siobhan was sure he had at least intended to be attractive. It’s great hat you show us how she’s cool towards him, but that he’s fooled by a mere smile of here. Great description and I pity her for having a parasite like him creeping about her. You manage to have her dialogue perfectly IC for her, and it’s flowing well. Ha, he’s so easy to trick. I bet she’s having a great time fooling him. How pathetic he must be in her eyes; a obsequious sycophant he is. The oily talk of him shines through, and you manage to both make me hate him more and laugh out loud by his stupidity. You’ve managed to write Draco through her eyes, show her loathing towards him, and yet have him OC. He appears as a drooling boy, and a weakling, and it’s a nice change to see him been toying around by a girl. I pity her; to have him salivating around her; it must be terribly annoying for her, and you’ve made me sympathize with her. Well done! The conversations in this chapter are absolutely marvellous; you’ve got a way with making it believable, and I hope you continue to develop your gift. I have a feeling that the characters are speaking to you – if not, I can’t imagine how you manage to write them so well in character. It isn’t struggled, and I think that each of the different persons have a different way to talk, not only act. And this, this is a sign of a great storyteller/writer. Finally, the train started moving and Siobhan watched as the faces of the witches and wizards on the platform sped by her in a blur. Good imagery. I could see the blurred scenery as the train gained speed. You showed us that the train had good speed. Perhaps you could add a bit more, too, even? Like: Finally, the train started moving and Siobhan watched as the faces of the witches and wizards on the platform sped by in a blur. As the trained hurried by, two colours bled into the environment; the virgin green of the greenery and dark blue of the sky. It’s just some suggestion. I didn’t exactly try to write well here. What try to suggest is some inspiration to a way of writing it? Hopefully, it wasn’t merely rubbish. And of course, it must have unnaturally high speed if it should bleed together. If that wouldn’t fit, perhaps you could use ‘two colours, a sharp contrast to the environment, dominated the landscape; the greens and blues/ the green scenery and deep blue sky. What a bloody imbecile, she thought scathingly. Oh my god! So funny; if it would be a time I’d guffawed reading fan fiction, this would be it. And I nearly did. At least, I snorted outright (and I got some weird looks by mum. Well…) That really put the dot over the I on this instalment. She thought exactly what I thought she saw him as – a git, pardon my language. She saw him eye her green and silver tie with doubtful apprehension. Her something must be awry. What do you mean? I think you wanted the sentence to be like this: She saw him in the eye, her green and silver tie with doubtful apprehension. I didn’t find much constructive criticism in this chapter that the others haven’t pointed out, and I didn’t see any reason for me to telly you the same for the sake to be redundant. Everywhere else is full, she thought with annoyance. What a lovely way of implying that he’d much rather not join me… You really have a way with this character. It’s so lovely to see a woman having such confidence and oh so straight at point. I think the way she thinks everyone hate her because she’s Slytherin a very nice touch. I mean, we’ve been proved that they think of the house, assuming those are as bad as the worst, and not thinking that some persons are different. Ron is a prefect example here; Sirius, when I think of it, also have a grudge for that house. Of course, that’s because of his childhood. A nice touch; very observant! They were usually very talkative, managing to make Siobhan feel like even more of an outsider – But this group was solemnly quiet, and for a few hours she actually felt as though she belonged to something. This was one of the better sentences reflecting her character. It tells us so much; that she’s not fond of being in the high-light or the centre of attention, that she’s withdrawn and unsocial, and that she’s lonely. In this extract I figured that she’s quite a loner, and that she is most comfortable with silence, and that she’s very contemplative (at least in my opinion). An highly effective sentence that I wouldn’t replace for any chocolate in the world. (I know, lame example, but I intended to write money, but I thought that wouldn’t fit. Lol…) Her jade green eyes reflected back at her, and she closed them wearily. I think you should ditch ‘jade’. Simply having green is just as good; it would give the same information that jade green would. If you want to show that she’s emerald eyes, like Harry, you could just say that they had a sharp look? Or comparing them to Harry’s? And Lucius, what a nice way to depict him! He seems perfectly In Character, and his arrogance is well shown. I could see him in the places, and he was his usual side, but yet you got a new side of him. Of course, this is because we see him through Siobhan’s eyes. On the term of eyes, he’s got pale blue, not grey. I hope you’ll delve deeper into his character, give us new aspects of his arrogant, hibernal personality. I loved him, and I hope seeing him in the next chapter. His attitude was nicely shown, too. Ginny, ah; she was fierce. As Siobhan contemplated, I think it’s something that has occurred that the Trio and the others have suffered. I’m curious as what it is, and I hope it’s unravelled in the next chapter. I have one thing to say about all the characters: SPOT ON! It’s without doubt what your best writing-skill and you use it well. The interaction between the characters seemed alive and believable; what made it better was the inputs of Siobhan’s thoughts. You’ve successfully made me, not a small fan like I was before, but a big fan. The description is colourful. Even though it’s got a tenebrific and dark feel, it’s got colours. Not warm, but cold. It’s an awesome start. I’d like to give more constructive criticism, but it’s hard when it’s written as well as this. I’m jocundly awaiting chapter three with a new, esprit mind. Congrats on making one of the best chapters on this site! This was a great, great introduction, and I hope the follow up (off to read now, by the way), is as good as this. 10!
Author's Response: I'm incredibly gratified that you put so much enterprise into furnishing me with such marvelous commentary. Your review certainly epitomises the speculative element of feedback, and I'm very much appreciative.
Jenna! I can't believe it's taken this long for me to review. You know I love Soft (and Siobhan) to no end. It's just that my thoughts wouldn't formulate themselves into reviews... argh, stupid little things.Yes, anyway. Your review! Warning: I actually printed out your chapter, so I'm going to be extra nitpicky. (Fun fun!) There were two paragraphs that needed formatting: the ones starting with "Sorry," Siobhan shrugged uncaringly before sitting down. and "What are you all chatting about?" bared McGonagall, who had clearly lost her patience with the class. (For some reason, formatting and McGonagall goes together; don't ask me why. ;)) Just an enter is needed.
Two more nitpicky things before I launch into my SPEWing mode: replace "to" with "at" in: Why the bloody hell is he passing me a note? Siobhan thought to herself, eyeing the parchment with disgust and raising a condescending brow to Goyle. Nearly sounds as if her brow is moving toward him. :P Also: "I take it you're Miss Murphy?" [Harry] asked, a slight amused grin tugging at his lips. Add an "ly" to the end of "slight."In the Transfiguration class, did Mr Thomas, Miss Brown and Miss Patil all make NEWT level? I need to check HBP, but it just struck me as odd that they all excel in Transfiguration. I notice Seamus Finnigan isn't there, but is that it? I thought that either Lavender or Parvati wouldn't make it. Isn't it kind of funny that nearly all the Gryffindors made it that far?
Potter looked at her as though she might be touched in the head, but then nodded in agreement. "Alright then...", and he snapped one of the toes from his frog and put it in front of one of the mice, who sniffed it cautiously.I would suggest taking off the comma on the underlined part, or even better, reforming the sentence into something like, "With an 'Alright then,' he snapped one of the toes from his frog. . . ." (Etc.)
On the paragraph starting with Not bothering to be careful or quiet... remove one set of dashes. It's too repetitive and stands out to the reader. I would suggest substituting commas for the first instance, and including a "which" and commas on the second one. And on Perhaps, Draco, you would like to inform me why you have lured me here tonight... - take out the ellipsis and put in a period or a question mark. It is a question, after all. One more: He moved closr to her, wearing a much mistake look of satisfaction at his skills of seduction Period at the end, m'dear.Siobhan turned to see that the Draco's goblet of poison had been knocked all over Hermione Granger, whose robes were sizzling dangerously. Two things: take out the "the" in front of Draco, and describe Hermione's face. Is she that shocked to simply stand there? Wouldn't she be fuming, snarling, or at least glaring at Draco ferociously? (Hehe.) Hermione usually has a quick reaction, and show it.
Long as this may be, don't be in doubt that I loved it! Omgoodness, how I love the Slytherin in Siobhan, like Siobhan wasn't sure how to respond, so she didn't. Unless Professor McGonagall wanted her to go back in time in order to attain punctuality, there wasn't much that could be done. LOL! *laughs her head off* And Draco as her "pale-faced object of her enmity." Oh my crazy, how hilarious. Oh yes... Then, apparently choosing to use an entire different method, his lips raced towards hers with alarming velocity, and she felt his already open mouth collide with the bottom half of her face. I can picture that perfectly! Hahaha...I thought this was just priceless. You are Siobhan, inside and out. ;) The dialogue was excellent, well done, and so was the interaction. I can't wait for the next chapter! Draco had better cooperate with Siobhan this time, or I might have to come after him. *glares* Ahh! I'm sitting impatiently for the rest, hurry up and post! (Even if I have to go and bother whoever's betaing for you.) :D (Oh, and wow... I put so many tags into this review, I think I might have forgotten to close one. I'm looking it over, but my bad if something goes wrong.)
Author's Response: Thanks for the nitpicks. I'm sure I'll get around to fixing them... eventually. *cough*
Anyway, hehe, thanks for the review, I'm glad you're enjoying it, and I love that you put so much effort on the feedback :)
It’s me! You lucky, lucky girl! So, I’m not as gushy this time around, but it was a good chapter. I keep feeling as if the chapters stop just a bit too soon; it’s as if you forgot a scene or something. Onward!
’"...Mr Thomas, you'll work with Miss Brown; Mr Weasley with Miss Patil; Miss Granger with Mr Malfoy - not a word, Mr Malfoy, you could do with a bit of Miss Granger's assistance- Mr Potter, with Miss Murphy..."’
Yes, I thought all the Misters were lacking in periods. I researched and found that this is simply the British way of writing such titles. This is purely my aesthetic value and upbringing, but I prefer the punctuation.
’"What are you all chatting about?" barked McGonagall, who had clearly lost her patience with the class. "Get to work." And so, the class stopped their interested murmurs and instead began to dully discuss their assignment within their pairs. Siobhan frowned slightly as she decided she would much rather have been doused in acidic poison than endure whatever Draco had in store for her that evening.’
Not sure if those were meant to be in separate paragraphs or in one. You may want to tweak that spacing a bit, either way.
’"Sorry," Siobhan shrugged uncaringly before sitting down. McGonagall stared at her.’
Is there no limit? I felt that her rudeness to McGonagall was a tad bit too far. Is she insolent to all professors? Do they all take it as well as McGonagall did? I feel like there should have been a degree of deference there. I was sensing this great interaction and show of power between teacher and student, but I felt a bit cheated instead. Granted, Siobhan was a bit grumpy for a moment after, but it didn’t quite make up for it. If she showed her true self in her thoughts, and was more respectful to Ms. McGonagall, I think it would have been better.
Not to be rude, of course. I felt that with a pendulum personality like hers, it swung too far to one side; whereas her other thoughts and actions are muted and veiled, this one sent sirens.
”The second week of September proved to be as warm as it was dull, and both to a degree of severe discomfort for Siobhan.”
This . . . came naturally to my ear. I was thinking it before I’d fully read it. Quite a beautiful introduction, I must say. It rolls right through my brain, and reminded me of summer for some odd reason.
’“…married land-owning wizards were given authority to carry out executions of any Muggles in violation of the decree...”’
I had to say, this sounds almost exactly like things I’ve heard in History classes. You’ve certainly got the wording and tone perfect!
’"I think we should give the mice a bit, too," Siobhan suggested, eyeing their pair of trembling rodents. "I have a feeling they've been having a bad day, and it's not going to get much better..."’
So kind toward creatures. I’m beginning to think she sees Harry as one of them. Not in the demeaning way, but as something she feels tender towards due to impending an past misery.
’"I'd rather show you, if it's all the same..." "Words have no place here, Miss Murphy."’
Of course, this is only a small segment of that section, but it was done…(trying to not be repetitive)…as if there was a broad, bright light in the room that would flash upon either Draco or Lucius, showing them separately and in complete contrast. I’ve played the same game Siobhan is here. She’s a bit better than I was. She was able to sustain her fantasy through a nasty kiss. I really liked the feeling the flash-flash scene created.
I’m hoping I lose that feeling that you forgot a scene soon. The story is shaping out quickly, and I’m a bit surprised by the velocity! There are some things that squeak me, but Siobhan, for the most part, is turning out to be a fabulous character. Oh, and props for not dwelling on her looks. You’ve incorporated them grandly!
Author's Response: Hmmm, I totally agree with you on the fact that it feels like something's missing. I might consider adding something to the end of this chapter, maybe to close it off better, and just bring in more development. I often feel like the first 5 chapters are very jumpy, because... so little has to happen in them, but they're necessary. They're heard.
As for the Mr and Mrs - hee! No punctuation for you! *runs*
And, Siobhan's rudeness to McGonagall. Well, Siobhan is actually rather impolite to people in general. In this story, it's harder to see. On the train, her only words are rather respectful, because the situation calls for it. And with Draco, she's toying, because she needs to be in his good graces. But... if you read Year Seven, her rudeness to McG would make more sense. For one, she's always late, so feigning a sincere apology would probably warrant a more annoyed reaction from McG - and she is rather blunt with people in general unless she has a reason not to be. I suppose I should have shown more of that side of her to justify this little bit of dialogue, but in my mind, I was adding that just to show it was there. I'll keep in mind to develop more on that interaction.
Hmm, the bit about the creatures. I never really thought about it, it just felt natural for her. I think she does see them as helpless, rather than humans who can be dependent or stupid even though they should no better. A lot of it comes from her brother, too - who loves animals.
*is talking too much* Thanks for the review, dear. It means ever so much! [And I totally appreciated the non-gushy aspect of it!]
You know I've been attempting to review this for weeks. And it just doesn't work. But somehow I've managed to cobble this together.
First of all, it's a great story. I'm not so into scandalous liaisons, and the thought of Lucius in a romantic sense makes me feel slimy inside. And yet I thoroughly enjoyed both of the first two chapters of this story. It's simply amazing how good writing can get me to suspend disbelief.Between your writing and your betas, I have very little in the way of nitpicking. But… you refer to the figure of a thestral outside as a dark horse. To be very technical, thestrals aren't horses. It would make more sense to me if it were a dark horse-like creature or something like that. I know it's not as smooth, but it makes more sense.
When Siobhan is reacting to Draco's note you have Unfortunately the attraction to her was a necessary malignancy, and so she would have to indulge his delusional fancy. I think this sentence would make more sense if you had his attraction to her instead of the attraction to her. I had to go back and reread this one to figure out what you meant.Enough with nitpicking. Time to move on to gushing. I love your characterizations. Siobhan is, of course, one of the best OCs I have ever seen. She's incredibly complex. She's a real person. Someone I know has conversations with her in her head (though I'll name no names). All of your characterizations were excellent. I rarely see Professor McGonagall done so well. Draco is a slimy git with raging hormones. Your Harry is right on, and Siobhan's reactions to him kept making me snigger as I read.
That said, there are a fair number of people who can do a good job portraying several individual characters, or even all of them. What makes your writing stand out is your portrayal of the relationships between your characters. You show us your characters through interaction, which makes for some very clear mental images for me as a reader. Siobhan thought to herself, eyeing the parchment with disgust and raising a condescending brow to Goyle. I have a very clear image of Siobhan with her eyebrow raised and her nose slightly wrinkled as she stares down (even though he's probably taller) at Goyle's idiot grin. It's extremely well done.I also love how you did the final scene. You put in just enough of Siobhan's fantasy; I as a reader could tell exactly what she was thinking about while at the same time focusing on what was actually happening and what Draco was-er-attempting to do. I'm commenting on that scene because it's the most complex scene and the one where you took the most risks. I can't say it's the best because they're all so good that no one scene stands out as better than the others.
Jenna, this is one of the best-written fan fictions I've ever read. You can be sure that I will keep reading as you go, even if Lucius does give me the hives. Your story is worth it. :: huggles ::
Author's Response: Well, I'm very pleased you finally did get around to reviewing :) All your comments make me glow - I do like to think my characterisation is so-so ;)
Jenna, you’ve shamed me into reviewing, so here I am. ;)
First of all, I have to say that Siobhan is one of the best OC’s I have ever read. What caught me most was the difference between the two sides you’re showing us. There is the Slytherin!Siobhan, an ambitious girl determined to win Lucius at any cost, no matter whom she has to use. She is determined and well crafted and believable, and would be a good character by herself. However what makes her really wonderful is the way you mix in the other Siobhan, a dreamer who is desperately longing for fulfillment. The last scene, in which she imagines Lucius taking Draco’s place, really projected this side of her across. The way you went back and forth between reality and imagination was beautiful…and it really showed Siobhan’s sensitive side. This is the first I’ve read of her, since I haven’t read your other stories, and I’m very intrigued by her character. I want to learn more! She seems so sure that her happiness rests in the success of her plan, so convinced that she can achieve it…I want to see what happens if she fails, or especially if she succeeds and find that it doesn’t bring her the happiness she is seeking.
Draco is …well…despicable. So slimy. He moved closer to her, wearing a much mistaken look of satisfaction at his skills of seduction. I can just picture him, so smug and sure of himself, without a clue of how Siobhan really feels. And you’ve portrayed Siobhan’s repulsion very vividly. … deciding she didn't have the patience to bother patronizing him. I almost feel sorry for Draco; he’s so obliviously inept, while Siobhan is so superior and lofty. Once again, I’m back to marvel at Siobhan, contrasting her superior attitude and her surety that she can manipulate everyone with her dreams and almost hero worship of Lucius.
And, since I didn’t review Chapter One, I’ll comment about the title here. Sins of the Father. Very intriguing. Exodus 20:5: …for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of these who hate me… Siobhan’s attraction to Lucius and use of Draco coupled with the title…very interesting speculations. I can’t wait to see how Siobhan’s relationship with both the father and the son develop, and how one effects the other.
Wonderful story, Jenna, and I’m glad I finally got around to reading it, because it’s definitely worth it. *eagerly awaits chapter three*
Author's Response: Shamed, moi? No...
Thanks for complimenting Siobhan. It's important to me that people find her well-developed. And it upsets her if people think otherwise ;)
'I almost feel sorry for Draco'. As well you should. After all, children are often punished for the sins of their fathers, eh? *is cryptic*. Hold onto your curiousities and speculations, Nan. It will make the process all the more satisfying for me! :D
Thanks one billion for reviewing!
Oo, it’s that time again! The time when I attack unsuspecting authors with my reviewing. LOL. Okay, first, I want to start off with my favourite sentence in the chapter: “Since then she had become infatuated with him, addicted to the mere suggestion of him.” I love this line, it gives a real sense of longing and infatuation and, coupled with the other lines of this section, gives the meaning a final punch.
Lucius is perfectly described. Seriously. I could see him right there in front of me, letting Narcissa argue with him and then just dismissing her. Hehe, I love Lucius. *cough* Anyway, you got his character spot on in this chapter, and I can’t wait for more of him!!!
Oh, and Siobhan (whose name it took me forever to spell…>.<) is the best original character I’ve ever seen. Honestly, she is so well developed and devious, but not just the generic Slytherin. The way she lusts after Lucius is just brilliant, and you know how much I love scandalous liaisons. I will certainly, certainly, certainly be following this fic and reviewing (oh no, I hear you say) every single chapter, because I love it.
Ah, this whole review sounds so fluffy. Well, the chapter was perfect, so I have nothing to complain about. And if you want me to be nit-picky, I will say Lucius has grey eyes, not blue. BUT, all things considered, I don’t think that is such a giant problem. ~.0
Author's Response: How refreshing to see a Lucius fan review ;) Apparently people hate him. Odd, I know. Don't know where they get it from.
Thank you so much for complimenting Siobhan's character. She is pleased.
Lucius's eyes, eh? I thought they were described as pale, rather than grey like Sirius. I should check that again. Thanks for pointing it out. I also see grey eyes as blue, just waiting for sunlight to hit. But... we'll see, eh? Thanks again! :)
I’ll begin this review with something you do not want to hear. I have absolutely no points of expansion, nor did I find any errors that screamed in want of correction.
This is pure gush, baby.
‘“Why do you care, Malfoy?” she replied coolly, but with a flicker of a smile, catching him off guard. He eyed her appraisingly for a moment, before smirking and leaning further into the compartment.’
One thing I noticed and yet forgot about your writing style is the simplistic but thorough descriptiveness. Everything was quite vivid in my imagination, and for the first time, I realized that the woman you chose to stand for Siobhan was perfect for the role. I saw her perfectly. I saw her little lips curling up a bit. I saw a naturally forlorn look in her face. I saw the red mark the window left on her forehead. And yes, I know you didn’t describe that. Overactive imagination and all of that. What I meant to say was that you did a great job of really setting the scene in vivid colors.
“She stood in front of a glistening mirror, inside which she saw him walk up behind her and put a hand around her waist, her body trembling from his touch. He pulled her hair back and she tilted her head as he ran a single finger down her neck to her back, before kissing her very softly. Slowly, he turned her body around so that it faced his own, and Siobhan felt her breath taken away at how close he was.”
Here, I noticed a familiarity and maturity in this sexual scene. Did anything happen? No. You’ve got subtle sexuality down to a T. I can certainly understand her attraction to a character I’ve never liked all that much. It was … for want of a better word, hot.
“Well, Miss. Murphy – each of us had a parent or guardian murdered last week, do you mind us having a little chat about it?”
Ah, Ginny. She is a bit of a pistol. Despite the cold words, I heard them catch in her throat and saw a twinge of pain in her cheeks. I think you’ve written well the sorrow they’ve experienced. This had to be quite recently after an attack, for them to be so consumed. Not that they haven’t suffered enough as it is, but you know.
“She glanced over her shoulder to see Draco eyeing her with supremely false confidence, and knew that she held him in the palm of her hand.”
Normally, I like to see a more well-rounded view of Draco. As this is from her point of view, however, and the fact that she doesn’t care for him, I’ll enjoy as is. I like that she’s not particularly snide with him – it’s more of a general dislike or foul taste in her mouth. I would love it if you made her think of his bony bottom or caved in, pasty chest. Lol. Enjoying that image.
You’ve got a rich scene that plays out before the reader with a certain effortlessness. I see everything in bright, bold colors in spite of the obvious gloom in this fiction. I love the way you word matters. I don’t really have a strong feel for her personality. She’s a bit of a mystery. I’m getting subtle feelings, though, and will wait until I read more before making a strong opinion.
Author's Response: Pure gush. I do hate that. ;)
Thank you for all the feedback, though it gives me little to respond to ;) I'm mostly eyeing everyone's thoughts about Draco. It's the early chapters and Siobhan is very set in her opinions of people, and she has no desire to associate with Malfoy Jr, and I think this has been conveyed. But, no, Draco's character does not remain one-sided ;)
You can't get Siobhan down in one read, methinks. Especially since who she thinks she is and what she actually is are two different things. So, I hope you enjoy seeing her unwravel. So to speak. *cough*
Thanks again, lovey :D