So, if Haley called last chapter The Chapter, then this must be The Other The Chapter. :)
The silence and the tension… the insecurity began to wrap itself around her. It might be because we’ve talked a bit about Lucius lately, but all I’m doing here is wondering what’s going through his mind, if he’s thinking and making decisions, or if he’s simply quiet to create the “unnerving silence”. I know that wondering is a big part of reading and following a fanfic, but what I’d give to know what’s going on in his thoughts…
I know this chapter takes place over a very short period of time, but I’d still like to point out how well I think it flows. One event leads seamlessly to another here, which is, in my opinion, typical for your writing when at its best. Siobhan’s treatment of Draco is indeed impressive, but I like even better how the event leads onto the next encounter with Lucius. :)
One of my absolute favourite lines: The winter chill that crept through the manor swept over her and raised goosebumps along her skin, causing her to shiver slightly. - splendid. In this one line, you capture the entire mood of the season and place we’re in, you add to Siobhan’s feeling of being exposed and tensed, and with it you’re leading us to the next move in the chapter.
I’ve been thinking a bit about how much, or how little, Siobhan cares what other people think. And I’m not talking of being caught up against a stone wall, but of her general involvement with Lucius. I’ve been comparing her with some canon characters, thinking of what they would be like in her situation. And, I find that all of them would have so many people to be concerned about, so many people’s opinions that would matter to them. Siobhan, it seems, would only have two people to be troubled with – Liam and Harry. Interesting, I think, because it tells me four things. One, of the freedom she possesses. Two, that she is, in a way, very lonely. Three, how important Harry actually is to her. And four, of the determination she has, to go with her own decision although the two people who care most about her (excluding Lucius, who I’m guessing will care more and more) will strongly disagree with what she’s doing. And, connected to this, I love how Siobhan doesn’t care about Narcissa at all, about what the blonde woman might see, know or tell others. It unites Siobhan and Lucius in some odd way, and that pleases me.
Another favourite line: “Call me ‘Lucius’,” he whispered. “When we’re alone, of course – which I’m expecting should be rather often.” - I don’t have to explain or motivate that one, do I? :)
There are four small things I’d like to point out, being one of those annoying SPEW members after all. *giggles*
- Drawing away from her,, he got out of the bed and walked to where his clothes were laying forgotten on the floor. - there’s a double comma after ‘her’.
- One softened by the years, perhaps, but Siobhan found it more attractive than the idea of a hardened, muscular body favoured by other woman. - I’m guessing the last word should be “women”?
- Despite his cold and virtually silent departure, she saw and felt flashes of what had just happened,; the memories of his touch thrilled her, even warmed her. - there’s both a comma and a semicolon after “happened”.
- …the blankets that Lucius had pulled across her when she shivered She smiled again in spite of her worries, pulling on her clothes and standing up straight. - there is a full stop missing between the two sentences.
And, you know, after re-reading this chapter I’ve a) temporarily set S/L to be my ultimate OTP (sorry, H/K…) and b) snorted at the idea that anyone could ever leave the HMS Tiramisu with this much goodness onboard. And if this was Siobhan’s birthday and its aftermath… to think what Christmas and New Year’s Eve has in store for her, before she has to return to Hogwarts. *dreams*
In a word...wow. I feel guilty reading this with kids in the room! It suddenly got incredibly warm. I have never been a Lucius fan - ever. I'm converted to your Lucius. I love the arrogance, the way he takes whatever (in this case whoever) he wants, and yet he's not so cold that it's all about him. Also, I LOVED Siobhan slapping Draco. He deserves everything he gets. *Grin* That was an incredibly impressive performance. You are a very gifted writer and you leave me not only longing for Lucius, but longing to read more!
Oh oh oh Jenna! *fans self* This story is hot my dear. I told you I would write you a review and I promise I'll write you a better one later. I just had to tell you, I absolutely love this story, you are a genius! You should be so proud of yourself, Siobhan is a brilliant OC, and I am a tough one to impress with OC's...honestly. If I didn't want Siobhan to have him so much, I would definately be all over Lucius, he is so sexy...and I honestly would have never have thought that before reading this but...wow. Anyway enough gushing, and I'll be back with some more constructive stuff later, but I just want you to know your story is brilliant and I'm definately converted to Lucius/Siobhan. It was definately inevitable. Good Job!
*sneaks in and pretends that review was here all along*
In this episode of The Adventures of Tiramisu, our ship and its crew come across the most paradise-like island, something far more beautiful and wondrous than they could ever have dreamed of…
Seriously, this chapter is amazing – timing and details make it a success. I know I have waited a long time for it, but even for someone who sat down and read all the chapters in one go, this is perfectly timed. You’ve withheld the end of this chapter just long enough, yes, it’s been a bit of a torture, but had you given it to us any sooner it might have seemed rushed. In fact, I think that’s one of your great gifts as an author – to make things happen at the right time, whether it’s something your readers have been expecting, or if it’s something that surprises us.
I find it difficult to know where to start looking at the chapter. I will not quote the entire first paragraph (although I would like to…), but I will tell you that it’s perfect. I have no other words for it. It’s perfect in itself, and as an introduction to this chapter. I’ve carried great expectations, and this first paragraph told me at once that all these expectations would be met. I will, however, quote one sentence before I move on: ‘The dinner party at Malfoy Manor proved to be no exception to the rule that such annual celebrations be dull as ditchwater.’ - *content sigh*
The assembly of guests suits the occasion so well. I enjoy the words on the characters we know a bit about, especially Siobhan’s view of Mrs Zabini – you’re not going against canon words that she is beautiful, but she’s still not perfect. The comparison to an insect is great, it makes me think of something parasite-like, someone who would infect their prey and consume it before moving on to their next husb- victim.
The dinner itself, apart from being a simply fabulous read, really reinforces what you’ve shown so far of Siobhan’s and Lucius’ characters, it’s perfectly placed here, before we’re head off to more serious business. And the tiramisu part, even if it was only there for certain obsessive fans, *cough*, serves the exact same reason. You’re reminding us of what has happened, you put more coal on the anticipation fire, and you make sure your readers are, by then, truly desperate for the end of this chapter. >.>
Now then… *looks for something solid to hold onto herself* *finds nothing and falls* So… where do I begin? Jenna, all of this is… splendid. Siobhan is all I expected her to be and more – uncertain, tense and nervous, but still trying to keep her composure, still able to see sense and focus on what she wants. And Lucius. Lucius! I’m so impressed by how he’s written. You’ve managed to bring out gentleness in him, as well as desire and passion, but he’s still 100% Lucius, the man from the books. He’s confident, and his usual air of arrogance is there, but his interest in Siobhan still seems… genuine. I’ve been thinking a bit about his “ability”, and found it very suitable. At some point, before I read this, I doubted that he would be very nice at all, that he would perhaps only think about himself, be egoistic. But upon reading this, I realised he’s much more complicated than that. Firstly, I don’t doubt for a second that he gets a lot from being… talented, but more importantly it gives him power, makes him (in the eyes of some…) even more irresistible. I do realise that this story would have become very difficult to write if he was as a lousy lover – but, *blushes*, you’ve done an incredible job writing him as a man who will be allowed back into Siobhan’s bed.
I’m completely happy with how the experience turned out for Siobhan. I’ve hear the general arguments floating around on this subject, about how it should be wrong to write something like this at all enjoyable. But, putting aside the fact that those arguments are entirely wrong in some cases, I think what happens here suits the story. There are, and will be, plenty of other difficulties along the road – I see no reason to why this should be one. Also, it becomes much more believable when considering that Lucius is experienced and knows what he’s doing. Had Siobhan’s company been someone as young as herself, *glares at Cult members*, what she feels here might have seemed too good to be true.
I’ve got some tiny things to bother you about:
‘The man, still moronically ignorant to Siobhan’s rudeness, grinned excitedly and opened his mouth to enquire after her further
“Conversing with our guest of honour, Graves?”
- there is a full stop missing after ‘further’, and also a blank line missing before Lucius’ words.
“So, it would seem,” Lucius answered with satisfaction…’ - I’m killing commas! :) Or at least attempting to kill one, because the one after ‘So’ at the beginning makes the sentence a bit odd.
‘…Siobhan felt his body shudder against her’ - again, just a full stop missing at the end.
The end, I love it: ‘…leaving her completely breathless.’ - I know I babbled about it in a Blood Debt review once, but once again it’s your ability to incorporate such golden, glowing details. He did promise to take her breath away, didn’t he? *is a very pleased fan*
To finish this review - it could of course be because I have a tiny idea of how things will eventually turn out, but somehow I don’t see this chapter as the climax of what you’ve built up so far, no, to me this is simply The Beginning. I’m terribly curious about what will come next, and my whole mind is just begging to see glances between the two, how they will act around keeping this secret. Oh, and I long for the other serious aspects, especially when Siobhan discovers something about her lover… *borrows Siobhan’s wand and blasts old Writer’s Block into a million pieces*
Author's Response: *sneaks in and pretends this author response was here all along*
I'm glad you thought the timing was done well. I always feel I have an issue with that. And you totally got the implication with Mrs Zabini's description. WOOT.
And everything else... just. wow. You're analysis makes me grin and giggle and glow with pride. You're the kind of reader a writer writes for -- because you catch all the little details. *sighs happily*. Thanks!
I read this first chapter a few months ago and left a review, but it seems to have disappeared. I suppose I’ll just have to write another one.
Siobhan is a wonderful character in many ways; the first being the wide range that she allows your writing. In this one chapter you’ve included some beautiful phrases in your descriptions of Lucius, some hilariously cutting commentary on Draco, an outside look at Harry and his friends, and some insightful looks in Siobhan herself. In that sense, I can’t wait to see what other gems of thought and perspective you and Siobhan have in store for me in later chapters.
Then, to move beyond the writing, there is Siobhan herself. I admit to having some preconceived notions about her, which I have found to be less than completely accurate. Yes, she does seem to have a superiority complex, but she handles the situation with Harry and his friends very nicely. Despite being willing to use Draco ruthlessly, she has some sense that she must leave the grieving friends to their privacy.
It’s nice to see that balance there. I think I might actually be able to like Siobhan and truly feel with her, something I hadn’t expected when I began reading. I am curious, however, as to how and where she draws the line in her manipulations. Actually, I’m curious about a lot of things; where does she come from? Who raised her? How did she become so cold in her interactions?
I will certainly keep reading and hopefully find out.
What!?? That’s it!?? You can’t just stop. *groans*
Well, now that I have myself under some semblance of control, I must say that I was thrilled to be finally breached with the treat we all have been waiting for since Chapter one. It was… The Chapter.
Your command of dialogue once again shows what a fabulous writer you are. It’s quirky, witty, and all the while realistic. Siobhan proves herself again to be a completely real character. I was also glad to see that she had no idea what she was doing. I just hope she gets a little more into it in the following chapter. After all, that’s Lucius on top of her!!
Quickly, I want to say that I highly enjoyed the birthday dinner. It hardly advanced the plot, but it was quite a fun little treat to read – especially the tiramisu bit. I also enjoyed seeing your interpretation on Death Eater dinners (when they’re pretending to be normal wizards, of course). Interesting… very interesting.
“I’ll… give it to you later,” [Draco] explained, trying to wink but instead twitching his left eye in a frightening way. Oh man. That killed me. Very ferret-like of Draco, eh?
“I’m standing in your bedroom, you are wearing nothing but a slip and I’ve made it quite clear that my intention is to make love to you tonight.” Wow. I think that’s the line right there that gave me shivers. The first set of shivers, anyway. How incredibly sexy.
“You’re still fully dressed and I’m half-naked,” she answered. Stop this Jenna, you’re too good to us – delivering dialogue like this to us.
This is hardly a brilliant review (not exactly SPEW worthy in any case), but I really have no criticism to make except that it was far too short and needs to be continued at this very moment. Also, though I may be President of The Cult, I must remind you that I love every single aspect of this story and find the couple in question highly intriguing and wonderful to read – despite what others may say! So write on, my dear friend, write on.
Author's Response: I'm so spoiled with my reviewers. Someone should shoot my ego, I think it's floating somewhere in the exosphere, and I can see it from here.
Hey, I am thoroughly enjoying your story! The characterization of Lucius is delicious; Siobhan as a somewhat naive virgin but also a true Slytherin is totally believable and blended perfectly. You were able to ease into the passion scene expertly. It was laced with just the right amount of tension and dialogue (from entirely too many mediocre reads on FF.net, I've noticed that too little dialogue in that type of scene can devalue it into PWP very quickly). This sentence was the one place where the chappie didn't flow quite smoothly for me; it was too long to be all one sentence, and my instinctive editor was really squirming: [quote]It was a fleeting coldness, though, because as Lucius snaked his hands down past her waist onto her bare hips where he slipped his fingers just underneath the lace lining of her underwear she felt her skin grow hot, as though a fire had been lit underneath its surface.[/quote] I might have written: ***It was a fleeting coldness, however, because as Lucius snaked his hands down past her waist and onto her bare hips, she felt her skin grow hot like never before. He slipped his fingers just underneath the lace lining of her underwear, and Siobhan felt as though a fire had been lit somewhere deep inside her.*** Just a thought. I must admit, I do have a weakness for Lucius in passion scenes! Beautiful story--keep it coming!!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! *grins widely* A reader I didn't know I had! And that sentence is rather long, you're right. As usual, I shall have the intention to fix it, but I can't promise I'll ever get to it. *is lazy* Thanks again! :)
Great Chapter! I wonder what you have in store for the next chapter.
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! Good to know who's reading ;)
And I stake my claim as first mate of Tiramisu, a Siobhan/Lucius ship- all becuase of the wonderful situations you have here. It is an amazing piece that hooked me in for once and for all, and I'm afraid that I might go crazy for more chapters in the upcoming weeks. You make the reader want Siobhan to kill Narcissa, kick Draco in the- you know, and have Lucius all to herself. And her mistakes relationship wise make you all the ready to shake some sense into her for her foolishness. In other words, you want Siobhan to succeed. And win Lucius from Narcissa's grasps (for the rest of your fandom to rip to shreds).
Just to show you an example of how you do that: Starting with: “I imagine I’d enjoy them all, Mr Malfoy,” Siobhan replied, almost mimicking his tone. “I’m sure whatever you choose will be suitable.”. Siobhan seems so naive and not herself at the moment. You question a bit on what she's doing, but following that: “Was that me taking your breath away, Mr Malfoy?” Siobhan asked slyly, her back up against the wall of the kitchen." And we see her again! Man, Siobhan rocks. But wait- there's more! His breath caressed her neck and when he spoke it was in a low whisper that would have gone unheard were his lips not touching her ear. “Have you ever been with a man, Miss Murphy?” You know, after this rollercoaster with Siobhan, I was expecting to just have a smile put on my face with that statement. But oh no, you made it so I has to squee with excitement. It was coming! "This time, Siobhan could not help but tremble. Still, she tried to retain the control of her voice, as difficult as he was making it." Once more, reinforcing that something's ahead. “How is that any of your business, Mr Malfoy?” she asked as briskly as she could manage." It's right around the corner! You could cut the tension with a knife. It makes it all the more exciting.
“Would your wife approve of your curiosities?”Ugh! Siobhan ruined it for herself with this statement! You just want to slap some sense into her before she really screws it up. “How can I know you’re not playing a game with me?” Too late. Siobhan was so close, she could have had Lucius right then and there, but she just had to say the wrong things and- "All her thoughts were chased away as Lucius brushed his lips against hers for one infinitesimal moment." You tricked us? After I went through the trouble of being worried for my favorite ship's future, and then you make it so Lucius is turned on by her words! “Well then, Mr Malfoy,” she breathed. “The tiramisu will be fine.” I bet Siobhan thinks something else is fine as well.
Now, I could only see two things that need to be changed (or should be, mind). First off, you have "cozy" as "cosy". Secondly, when you say "She followed the small servant out of the drawing room and towards the dining hall; off to the side was a door Siobhan had noticed before, and it was through there they went." This tripped me up as I was reading it. I think that what really makes it such a danger is the latter half of the sentence. I would recommend changing it somehow.
Now, for a few more things before I wrap my review up. Robison Crusoe is in a wizard's house; pureblood for that matter. And the Malfoys. Why? It really picques one's interest. Also, this: He left her as she was, slamming the doors behind him, proving that it wasn’t out of consideration that he had let her be." made me a tad curious and left me thinking rude things towards Draco and his dramatic and nothing-like-Lucius ways. "When she awoke the first rays of dawn were shining through a large window at one end of the library, and she had a pain in her lower back from sleeping in a less than comfortable position." I know what that feel like- not nice at all, and definately real in the way you worded it. The pain is very bad (for lack of a better word), and you described it really well. She handed it to her husband, along with a kiss on the cheek and a look that told Siobhan exactly where Lucius had been and what he had been doing. ... I think this one is self-explanatory.
Oops, one more point before I actually stop writing. You bash Narcissa and Draco to no end in your fic. And please don't stop, as I love it very much. Especially what I like to call the "Cissy moments". An example: "Siobhan made sure to make the process long and problematic, so as to rile the filthy woman as much as possible." I love it. I also would like to note Narcissa and Lucius have a very odd relationship, and I'd like to know more why Narcissa and Lucius act this way (although I have a pretty good guees).
Now, I'm actually winding down! It was excellent, as for the rest of your fic, and I simply cannot wait for the next installment, otherwise I might go crazy. And we can't have that now, can we? ;)
Author's Response: It's nice to have a fan that's not a crazed woman :D Nice demographics you're providing me with ;)
Thank you for pointing out that sentence, I actually don't like it myself. I'll have to edit it. And 'cosy' is a British spelling.
*quickly keeps writing so Pat doesn't go crazy*
Mmm, this chapter is as yummy as its title…
Incredibly surprised to find Muggle literature in the house of the Malfoys, she pulled out a copy of Robinson Crusoe and read it late into the night.
- Siobhan is not the only one who is incredibly surprised. I wonder why you’ve added this detail, and I wonder who’s book this is? Wouldn’t it be a bit embarrassing for the Malfoys, usually disapproving of all things Muggle or Mud-blood, to have such a book discovered in their own home? Or is this a sign that in all honesty, they might not mind all that is Muggle, it’s just that they wouldn’t admit it? Curious…
Well-written Narcissa in this chapter, I thought that this was very fitting:
She handed it to her husband, along with a kiss on the cheek and a look that told Siobhan exactly where Lucius had been and what he had been doing.
- I might not be a fan of Narcissa’s character in Sins, but that is only because of how you portray her, through Siobhan’s eyes. You’ve made Narcissa, in a way, into someone simple, a spoiled and gossiping lady with a silver spoon up her… well. :) At the same time though, she possesses this clear intelligence, which sometimes seems to have sprung from her paranoia. In any case, you’ve made sure that she’s not daft, and very interesting to read.
Siobhan hadn’t considered before that Lucius had only been toying with her, but now that her mind wandered upon that possibility, it made perfect sense. Here she was, a young, stupid girl walking into Malfoy Manor and expecting to be taken into the bed of Lucius himself.
Siobhan’s doubts after her discovery are a brilliant addition. I never expected this to be a smooth road to travel, and I very much enjoy the bumps you write. Still, I like how you turn things back to “normal” so soon, because self-doubt is not very becoming of Siobhan’s character. Believable, yes, but not something we haven’t seen a lot of. This is much more like her, and brilliantly Slytherinish: Siobhan knew what she wanted, and before she left Malfoy Manor, she was going to have it, one way or another.
I found two tiny mistakes, both are blank spaces missing:
…and, most importantly,no dessert.”
…at my word, Miss Murphy.I do intend to follow through.”
As much as I like the other details, to me this story lives from the energy created between Siobhan and Lucius. I don’t know if you write anything else as well as the two of them together. This is more than two fictional characters talking to each other, I’d rather say it’s interaction between two real, alive human beings. Their feelings and curiosity for each other is infectious, I never cared that much for Lucius Malfoy or men like him, but all of a sudden I’m interested in finding out more. Through Siobhan, of course. ;) I’m going to quote this:
“How is it?” Lucius asked, leaning closer to her and inhaling softly, as though attempting to know her thoughts from the scent of the dessert still on her lips.
- in my opinion one of the best pieces of this chapter. Especially the last part, after the comma, is very original and vivid.
I find it quite hard to understand, how these characters are playing hard to get at the moment. Perhaps Siobhan thinks she needs a bit of time, but personally I’m screaming inside for this to continue. I want the birthday celebrations, I’m wondering if you will write some more Pansy Parkinson during that evening (I would surely enjoy reading it), but most of all I’m craving more of the closeness - His kiss was slow, and sensual, but filled with a fervent passion that reminded Siobhan of her own desires. I know it might be a disaster coming, I realise not all dreams will be fulfilled, that they might even be thoroughly smashed – but oh, it will be beautiful, and I can’t wait to read it.
Author's Response: The library has a collection of books collected by the generations of Malfoys who have lived there. But Lucius is fully aware of the presence of Muggle literature, and has even added some to the collection himself ;)
As for the rest, I'm grinning as usual :D
Oh, I’m a bad Number One Fan, taking so long to review. Still, I do believe that I’ve made it pretty clear, how much I liked the two latest chapters? :) Now, this will be a non-SPEWly muddle of quotes, so beware…
…and had drifted into a wonderful deep sleep filled with dreams of Lucius that gave her a strong need for a cold shower upon waking up.
- he-hee. I know exactly why I like this line, it’s because that need for a cold shower appears so frequently in fanfiction – but it’s always men who crave them! As if women couldn’t harbour the very same feelings! *shakes head* You know, we talk about the scandalous thing happening here, we joke about how naughty Siobhan is, but I don’t think we mention often enough how honest her feelings are. Yes, fine, she is scheming here, but not just for the sake of doing so, no, she does really want Lucius.
Siobhan selected a few random books off the shelf, barely considering that she might be intruding, and settled herself down on one of the seats.
- Mmm, I love this self-confidence of Siobhan’s. Somehow, it is one of the things that actually make her a Slytherin to me. Not bothering, or rather being so relaxed in someone else’s home, is in a way like her habit of being late for class… She is, on a level, so comfortable in her own person. Why should it matter if she’s a few minutes late, or if she walks around in her pyjamas at Malfoy manor?
The Siobhan/Lucius interaction and dialogue are… delicious. When he approaches her in the seat, towering over her and speaking in challenging words, followed by her giving the strong response, standing up from her lower position and taking - not being given – the glass, mmm, it’s pure delight.
He knows. - *dies* Yes, I know I displayed the very same reaction the first time I read this chapter, but here I am, *dying* again. So powerful, so… well, it’s like the whole story speeds up, from here we are accelerating towards a point I can’t see, but it feels like it’s going to be very difficult to brake in time.
“You have the potential, Mr Malfoy,” she said without the slightest tremor in her voice, as she turned to face him. “But it will take much more than mind-games to do so.”
- That strength! Oh, she will certainly hate it for me, but Siobhan – I adore you! *faces the author again* Nothing half-measure here, but I had of course not expected you to rush things. We’re playing a complicated game, and your character is very aware of making the right moves. I wonder how long she will be able to control her ways on the board?
“Only as much as I detested being left here with your father,” she replied, and the answer seemed to gratify him. - *snickers* Clever, amusing Siobhan. No further comment.
She had felt his energy and it had taken hold of her. Running her fingers through her red curls she felt him there in that moment, his own hands in her hair.
- As if I didn’t admire you enough already, I have to mention something about this. You’ve always had an ability to communicate Siobhan’s emotions to me, and this is no exception. Surprised, but still, I feel her longing in myself, and it takes quite a violent shake of my head to re-focus. :)
Sneaky bastard, Siobhan thought with a smirk. - Sneaky bastard, yes, but sexy bastard – oh yes.
Poor Jenna. I will leave you a more intelligent review for Chapter 7, whenever intelligence returns to me. *looks above* Did I say it was brilliant? If not, I’m still convinced you know I think so.
Author's Response: *cheeks hurt from smiling*
Tee Hee! Okay, nitpicks first. We've already discussed "Whomever" and "Diverted" (vs averted) so I'm just putting them up here to remind you. Also, “It’s not usual such a full-time job, Usual ought to be Usually.
Okay, done with the minor corrections. I really like this chapter! I love the interaction between her and Harry. She asks him to trust her because she's "using" Draco to get what she wants. Which is true and all well and fine... but what she wants is worse! Such an interesting predicament for her, but I find myself rooting for her friendship with Harry.
It freed her from any guilt she might have had for manipulating someone with genuine emotional interest in her. I really liked that line. It makes her plans concerning Draco, ok. If she seems a bit creepy with her machinations, we just have to look to that and realise that Draco has earned every ounce!
“Black marble?” Siobhan said. “Oh, I must see that…” Something for counter tops, eh? This has me giggling. I think I wouldn't mind seeing that table either! Perhaps Lucius will show it to her...So yeah, I'm very much so enjoying the lead up to this pairing. What she has to do to get what she wants... ;)
Author's Response: :D Black Marble. What an eye you have for smutty possibilities, dear. Hehe. Thanks for the review! :)
Oh....dear...lord...I smell the scandalous liaison. I actually taste it now. You can’t keep walking this tightrope much longer, can you?
You perfectly iterate my fears for Siohban in this chapter. And there Siobhan was, allowing herself to be strung along. Consenting to be played for a fool, to believe that Lucius would choose an untried girl for a woman with twice her experience. I like this master manipulator, and I’m not looking forward to a table turning.
Now, Lucius isn’t my favorite leading man in Fanfiction, but after this chapter I have to grudgingly admit...he makes a good seductor. “No, no – we must do this properly,” he tantalized.
Grammar blip: “Mr Malfoy,” The period is missing after Mr.
Author's Response: *nods, nods, nods, smiles* Thank you again for the review! And, in the UK, they don't punctuate titles such as Mr or Mrs with a period [or full stop, I should say]
Ok, I'm going to make this a non-spewish review. Soibhan's personality comes out pretty strongly in this chapter, and now that someone else mentioned it, in some ways, she does have similarities to other Slytherins. *cough* I like how she and Harry connect in a very calm way. I can see how there might be shippers for them, but I see them ill suited for anything but friendship. I love how you're integrating little pieces of information they learn about each other as it might occur in life - bits and pieces. I saw this as more of a bridge chapter. I don't see anything I'd change.
Author's Response: Thank you, my love! :)
Are you tormenting your readers on purpose? I feel like we’re walking a delicate tightrope, through this house visit. At every turn there’s a new *moment* that makes me wince or worry or want to protect Siohban from herself and her fantasy.
Still feeling the Draco-pity. He’s a momma’s boy and his dad is the man of his dream-girl’s fantasies. (Yes, that sentence can cause migraines.)
We really start to hear Lucius in this chapter, to see how he will respond to his admirer, and I’m convinced that we’re in for some tears eventually, but there may be a moment’s fantasy for Siohban, maybe? This may sound crazy, but I almost think Lucius might love Narcissa. I think he may be using Siohban to prick his wife and make her jealous? Of course I have been acused of being delusional before.
Favorite line of the chapter: Only as much as I detested being left here with your father. Technically she is not lying. I love that bit of snark.
Constructive comment: Though, I must admit, they’re quite becoming of you.
Would on make more sense? *sigh* Now I have to go try and find chapter 7 on live journal… *AGAIN*
Author's Response: Yes, I'm purposely tormenting you. It's so much fun :)
Draco is a momma's boy! I love you for saying that.
Lucius love Narcissa? No! Hehe. Well, you have already seen that I address that. And I will continue to address that in future chapters.
Thanks for the review :)
Wow! Just wow! That was pure Lucius Malfoy heaven! It's inspired me to begin writing this one-shot that I have lined up. He is so true to the seductive and luscious Lucius that I simply adore. The witty remarks and Narcissa's position within it all... absolutely wonderful. One thing I would warn though, is make sure you do not rush events too quickly. Keep us hanging a little... Lucius isn't someone to rush into action without thought. I do love how he managed to perceive her affections though, such sharp-wit. Pure perfection! I don't know if I can wait to find out what happens next...
Author's Response: Lucius isn't someone to rush into action without thought. I disagree actually ;) I think he's so confident, and that he has so little respect for consequence that he does whatever he wants. Even in the case of the Diary Horcrux, he just passed it off carelessly to Ginny. Thanks for the review :)
Just popping in a small review, just to say how much I adored this chapter! Call me silly but I found your food choice rather interesting... oysters being a food of love that both Siobhan and Lucius do not like (the only thing on her mind is lust! And does he have the capability to love?) Lamb as the chosen alternative --- interesting, seeing as it's a sign of sacrifice and purity. And we all know that Siobhan's plan is bound to go wrong, her naivety and obsession is bound to cause trouble. She is playing with fire. Oooh, loving it so far.
Author's Response: Oh, wonderful observation! Siobhan and Lucius both are both rather philophobic [Philophobia: fear of falling in love], and they divert their attentions with lust. I think all people are capable of love. Siobhan convinces herself that she has no need for love as a defense mechanism for being alone, when really she longs for friendship and intimacy. Lucius sees love as a weakness. Lamb is really just one of Siobhan's favourite foods. And yes - she's playing with fire, and she's going to get burned. ;)
Oh dear, I'm so worried about Siobhan. She's going to get hurt.
Narcissa Malfoy did not give Siobhan the impression of being an overly generous woman.
I read this and thought, and do you really think Lucious is different on that accord? *thinking of Dobby* And yes, I still feel sorry for Draco. The circle of being used... it's karmic, but sad.
The mute button did come off, and we heard the other characters quite clearly. Also, I loved Luna, drifting across the page. Lovely.
Construsctive Comment: Now – you run along, and remember to give my regards to that dearest Bell of yours. Is Bell Ginny? Seems an odd phrasing.
Author's Response: Hmm, yes - Siobhan will get hurt. But that's inevitable in any romance or pseudo-romance, is it not? ;)
Hmm, yes - there's the trick with the House Elves. We all know that Lucius treats the house-elves no better than Narcissa would, but Siobhan isn't are of that, is she ;)
And as for the last comment, Bell does not refer to Ginny. Something it might interest you to learn is that Harry/Katie is my OTP ;) So it refers to Katie Bell, which would explain why Siobhan's telling him to give his regards to her, as she left Hogwarts the year before. :D
I am in tears. The mere inference of a long lasting effect on Harry had by Sirius' death... Of course his permission couldn't be updated, his godfather isn't alive to give it. :( You're hitting your groove with this chapter. I haven't read your other work, so I don't know if it's connected, but I liked that you referred back to the tension on the train. I like finally being able to understand it. Now, I know where this is going and I know that Harry is with Ginny... but... after this past scene I'd almost like a little Siobhan/Harry! You've made me so sympathetic to the both of them and them to eachother. Your characterisation of Harry is spot on with him hexing Malfoy and feeling little remorse. As well has having him curious about Siobhan, but not intrusive. I really enjoyed this!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review :D I hope I didn't guilt you *blushes shamefully*. What is it with everyone and Harry/Siobhan?! Goodness!! LOL. But just for the record - Harry & Ginny aren't together >.> I thought you knew be better than that! Hehe ;) Thanks very much again :)
Now that I have settled down a bit, perhaps I might succeed in making this review a bit less fangirlish. ;) I’ll be rude and not look at Caren’s review, mostly because I’m afraid she might have said a lot of things I want to mention as well. By pretending I didn’t see her review first, I can be repetitive with a clean conscious. Perfectly logical, don't you think?
Harry is too adorable in his concern. It’s just like him, wanting to rush to anyone’s rescue. But here, Siobhan’s not asking to be rescued. “And remember – I’m the scheming one in this relationship…” - too true, too true. I’m still with Harry a bit though, worrying just what Draco might get up to when, or rather if, Siobhan explains she has no further interest in/use for him. If he gets difficult, I don’t know what I’d rather see – a powerful Siobhan who gets rid of him on her own, or a certain Mr Malfoy coming to the rescue… Ah, pardon me for trailing off, my point was really that I very much enjoyed the Harry you have written here.
I’m going to mention that I’m always grateful for glimpses of less important canon characters throughout Sins. They might not be vital to the story, but people like Luna or Ron in the background has this piece of work firmly rooted into Potterverse. As for this particular chapter, I’ve never been the greatest fan of Luna although I do like her, but now I feel that we have got more in common that I first thought…
Narcissa… Oh, seeing her through Siobhan’s eyes certainly makes me despise her! Awful, simple woman! Wonderfully crafted of course, which is why I react this way. Yet you have not written her like someone who would be perceived this way by everyone she meets, no, I suspect that this Narcissa would appear rather intimidating to a lot of people, but in the company of her husband she becomes a joke. Her constant “darling” nearly makes me sick, I can’t believe that she uses it more than once, when she receives no response to it. I think I pity the Narcissa of Sins, not because of how she is treated but because of the sad person she is.
All parts of the Malfoy home, from the horse-drawn carriage and crunchy gravel to shivering house-elves and a black marble table, are beautifully described and fits in with how I had imagined things. Not only do you describe it, but you wrap it up and complete it in a very Jenna:ish fashion: ‘For once, Draco’s boastful banter was well justified.’
Siobhan… all of this belongs to her, which is why it almost feels difficult to comment on her part in the chapter. It feels more like she, as a real person, invites me to take a look at this, so reviewing her seems almost rude. But I will do it anyway, and I hope she will forgive me. I love to see how she is not hesitating on her plans for one moment, and I’m impressed how you let her honest words fit into the dialogue without it ever seeming forced, “You have no idea.” being a fine example from this chapter.
Her views of Draco and Narcissa are amusing to share, even if I feel sorry for her having to put up with the pair of them. I still don’t expect the outcome of Siobhan’s scheming to be exactly like she had hoped it would be, but however it turns out I do hope it will make up for what she has gone through. That said, what I enjoyed most of all in this chapter, was Siobhan around Lucius. She is… Well, being in the presence of Lucius makes her so alive, it leads her to such genuine feelings and actions. I can’t wait to see more of it – more in every sense in of the word.
No, I have not forgotten Mr Malfoy. No chance. I think the chapter title is both justified and very fitting, because it describes what this is all about – Lucius. And I love how you introduce him! I must confess you caught me off guard, because I had expected him to play his part of the ideal pure-blood family a bit better, instead of catching his every opportunity to mock Narcissa. I’m curious if this is his usual behaviour, or something that usually happens behind closed doors? In either case, Siobhan is witnessing it, proving that he’s not too concerned about letting people know what he thinks of his wife. Bonus cookie to you for making him point out that it is his house, and that everyone else is there only because he allows it. You’ve succeeded to portray him as a man fully in control, an arrogant king of his land and people. It’s interesting… you manage to write him as rather unsympathetic, but still I can see all the clearer why Siobhan is attracted to him. And, I want more here as well. More!
I haven’t got a lot to bug you about, although I seem to have turned into a full-blood repetition Nazi:
- ‘The grounds appeared rather bland, nothing but open field. Back at home Siobhan rather enjoyed the grounds, which had forested areas as well as a small lake; somewhat like Hogwarts but on a lesser scale.’ - you’ve got a fairly close repetition of ‘grounds’ there, perhaps the second one could be changed into ‘land’ or something similar.
- ’She grimaced slightly – if there was one food she could not stomach, it was oysters. Even the smell turned her stomach.’ - here it’s ‘stomach’ bothering me, even if one is a verb and the other a noun… Maybe the noun could be changed?
- ’And I’m certainly not going to complain about that, Siobhan thought as she followed Tessie to her bedroom – and she couldn’t stop herself from wondering where Mr Malfoy’s bedroom was.’ - here it’s the ‘bedroom’ I’ll whine about. If I might be so bold to suggest it, perhaps the end of the sentence could be ‘…wondering where Mr Malfoy would be sleeping.’ Although I like the ‘bed’ part of ‘bedroom’, so… Well, you’ll know what to do, I’m sure. I’ll stop bugging you now, I think. :)
Again, you’ve had me waiting for something, given me time to work my expectations up to want something really extraordinary – and then you give it to me, and not for one second am I disappointed. But, I think Haley said something like, “I think I’ve never been so satisfied, but still so unsatisfied, at the same time before.” – and I completely agree. We want more, we crave it, and now! If I’m not very much mistaken, didn’t you mention sometime ages ago, that the people of the Manor would be attending a New Year’s ball? Whether that is the case or not, I think you’ve given us enough teasers to prove that the next chapter will be even more outstanding than this. Thank you for sharing your writing with us, and for putting up with *dying* fangirls. :)
Author's Response: Hmm, I don't know if there's much in this I need to respond to with anything other than a giddy 'Thank you!'. I'm most struck by your comments about Narcissa - you've caught that she's not percieved by everyone in the same way that she is by Lucius and Siobhan.
As for Lucius's treatment of Narcissa, it will generally be how he treats her all the time. Everyone knows the Malfoys have the smae 'arrangement' that most of the other purebloods do. And Lucius is rather condescending in general. Their relationship is fleshed out more as the story goes on ;)
Thanks again for the review. This one was especially smile-inducing :D