Gosh, Jenna… Do you really expect me to turn my thoughts on this into a coherent review? If so, I’m afraid that I’m about to disappoint you. As usual, you leave nothing for me to criticise, so all I can do is to tell you what I enjoyed the most, hoping that it will at least give you an idea of what I think you write best and what I want more of, instead of things you could improve. I’ll go through the chapter, mostly in quotes:
"No, my love, you know exactly what I like," Lucius replied with a smirk. - I’m in love with the familiarity in this whole scene. Yes, "in love" – the dynamics between them makes me feel as though I’ve fallen in love, my heart is tingling and burning when I read. And oh, that he is using "my love", it sent a silent squeee through my shipper soul. I did not only read it here, but in my mind I pictured it far into the future, in all kinds of situation. And, sooner or later, with Narcissa hearing it, of course. Hee.
"Yes," Siobhan murmured, approaching him and leaning against his chest, closing her eyes, "I think that can be arranged." - This took me by surprise. No, I didn’t find it to be unsuitable at this point, it was more the kind of surprise Siobhan herself experienced from his gentle kiss on her cheek. You keep moving their relationship forward, little things change even if the characters themselves don’t realise it, and now it seems that we’re at a point when tenderness is growing between them. Resting against a chest with closed eyes – such closeness, such trust. It’s one of the most relaxing and strengthening things I know of, however brief it might be.
Unless I’m confusing myself, it seems that in pretty much every chapter, Siobhan is reminding herself that what she’s doing is only something temporary, that it won’t last. But every time she thinks this, I think the opposite. Yes, perhaps I’m just a crazy shipper, but I still know that the love is there, that if she would only let herself, and if he would do the same and if the world was less complicated, they would have something extraordinary. They still do, but you know what I mean…
…wishing that she could be with her brother Liam or someone else who loved her. Gah! Is Siobhan reading this? In any case, I love how you wrote that, Jenna, because when I first read it I shouted out loud: "But she IS with someone who loves her!!!"
“You seem to have respect for the greatness that comes with age. I thought perhaps you might appreciate it for what it’s worth.” - Hee. That was just so incredibly well put.
When Siobhan opened her eyes, Lucius was watching her face intently. - Oh. My. God. (Yes, you.) This whole scene… it’s just… Jenna, it’s a gift you have, to give me an idea of what is happening in the hearts and minds of the characters, but not through overly straightforward, blunt words, no, through the way they act. And what’s even better, you make it just clear enough for me as a reader to grasp, but not for the other characters (with only their own point of view) to understand. And oooh, Lucius watching her face, it’s just… No, that’s not what I meant to say. I meant to say that I’m impressed with how you let Siobhan read Lucius’ reaction. With such a small, but incredibly well-placed, detail, you managed to turn a moment where they seemed so very close into confusion, misunderstanding and separation. It all felt very real, including the way that Siobhan thought Lucius’ reaction was her fault. The whole chain of events/emotions was just expertly written.
Guess what? I am going to mention one tiny little thing, just to be a tad bit annoying. After all, what are fangirls if not occasionally annoying? 0=)
You know I can’t help myself, little sister. I miss you very much, and I’m counting the days until summer. I hope to visit you, and hope you’ll return the favour. Happy Christmas, little sister. - There is a fairly close repetition of the words "little sister" there. Nothing to worry about, but I thought I’d point it out anyway.
*feels heart beating for Tiramisu ship* Honestly Jenna… I don’t know if the characters get much of a say in this at all. Their ship has a captain with such strong determination that they somehow will make it in the end – through hard weather, shark-crowded seas and no-tiramisu-starvation. We will make it. =)
Author's Response: "But she IS with someone who loves her!!!" -- *hee*. You always catch every small intention.
Liam's 'little sister' thing was purposeful. I think I felt a little uncomfortable, writing wise, with the close repetition. But since Liam doesn't have a Beta for his letters... I figured I could get away with it. He says it very often, and I felt that bothof those particular lines required the term of endearment. [Interesting to know Liam does something annoying, *laughs*]
Wow - that was great!
please please please update!!!!!!
The chapter, the chapter...-looks at it fondly- -wishes she could have fully enjoyed it- -is too big a fan of flickering!sparks now to enjoy it to the max- However, I did love this, and the foreshadowing of the Dark Mark is so wonderfully done. This is me, applauding you.
hmm, im not quite sure you pulled this off, being a friend of potter's and a lover of lucius's. The characters are all a little bended to fit the story.I don't think Lucius woukd be much for reading let alone reading muggle pieces. Siobhan had some snape-ish qualities, like being alone and having no time for redundancy and obviousness. I liked that. I just don't think I like the idea of her being lucius's favorite concubine. Narcissa is obviously more interesting in the books than how you wrote her, as is Draco, and I don't expect Draco would be so easy to fal for a trap like Siobhan's. And one question: how did siobhan come to learn about lucius that she would daydream about him before he knew her?
I think it was a pretty good story, it kept me occupied and had my attention the entire time. I can see why you would want to catagorize it in "alternate universe" because it seems pretty parallel, although at first glance almost too close for discernmant.
Author's Response: Well, your review was rather disheartening. But I will at least say a few things: 1) This is a story about mistakes, a series of mistakes, on the part of everyone. 2) Siobhan is naive about Lucius and prejudiced against Draco and Narcissa. Lucius is still but a shadow, and the latter two have still huge parts to play before you even begin to see the development of their characters. And that, plus the fact that this is all limited to Siobhan's perception... well, I imagine she has a very different perception than you. 3) I do not believe in clear-cut, straightforward storyline. That's not what this is about.
You seem to have come into this with established perceptions of all the minor characters in canon, and with the expectation that everything is precisely as it seems. That is not how the story is written, and as such is probably not to your taste. I'm glad you enjoyed the parts you did, but I think your expectations of the story will not be met, because they are vastly different from my intentions.
As to your question -- it is answered in chapter one. She saw him before summer began [and it would be assumed she was already familiar with knowledge of him, since Draco often talks of his father, and since they both live in the same 'society'.] And the other thing, for some reason I take issue with personally, is that she can't be Harry's friend and Lucius' lover. Both relationships are still fresh, and she expects nothing more than a holiday long trist with Lucius, no emotional involvement whatsoever. She is not a best friend of Harry's just a friend. And in any case, I do not make my relationships mutually exclusive, so I do not believe anyone should. It is about each individual relationship, not the three people as one. Furthermore, Siobhan has practically no idea of Harry's feelings about Lucius, and why should she take his dislike into the equation, when all she wants is a short physical affair?
Thank you for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed what you did. But I think the manner in which you offer your criticism is more harsh than constructive, and it rather has me on the defence. I just think you are not realising that this is the beginning of a long story, and that the surface has only been scratched. It is one things to ask questions about things that are mysteries, it is another to critique characters that have yet to be explained.
*It is not an AU so much as it as an AU element, because something from canon has been changed.
ok, so I just read the first eleven chapters of your story and I really enjoyed it. Luciusis such a darkly attractive character, and it's a real shame that there are so few stories about him. Well done, and please update as soon as you can!
You sure know how to play into a girl's fantacies with their hook-ups! Could Lucius be falling in love...?
Author's Response: Oh, but what would I know about a girl's fantasies? *wink* And... well, Lucius is Lucius. I can't answer questions for him, especially since Siobhan doesn't know the answer to that one.
It appears that the relationship between them is growing. It doesn't look like it's based purely off lust. Other things are coming into the picture. I'm excited to see what you have planned for this. This fic has already earned a spot of honor in my Favorites. I want to congratulate you on a job well done. You create the sexual tension between the two perfectly. *applauds*
Please please please, Update!!!!
3words: really good update
I've been trying to decide for ages what it is about your writing that hooks me so. I've finally come up with something. It's absolutely thrilling. And with every chapter of this remarkable story you weave, this notion is more thoroughly enforced. Your writing has grown so much, has reached such wonderful heights, that this isn't just fiction anymore. You've truly made art here, Jenna. I want to commend you for this.
So back to the “thrilling” thing. It's true. You have this way of working a plot, slipping in these delicious lines, pulling out these marvelously nuances. You don't waste words. You make every single syllable count. As a reader, I come away from a paragraph breathless with joy. You never fail to do the job.
Your way with characters astounds me. How you manage to hold a character completely steady in his characterization at every moment remains a mystery to me. You never let the reader forget that these characters are human, are real. But at the same time, you offer us a glimpse into this intricate world. It's something so strange, and yet so familiar. You manage to pour the essence of humanity into these characters, and ten chapters in, I feel as if I walk beside them at every moment, watching not from a computer screen, but from my own two eyes.
Look at me. I'm so enraptured by this universe you've created, I can't even stop my raving. I suppose I better stop pouring my pretty words of praise, and get to the actual reviewing. Merlin knows I owe you one!
I've mentioned before how I adore what you did with Draco in this chapter. Until now, he's been a Shakespearian two-dimensional character, mainly good only for a laugh or a conflict for our protagonists to overcome. This was never a bad thing, in fact it was quite the opposite—it made for a very entertaining piece of fiction. However, by giving him this strange vulnerability, this sadness, this helplessness, it adds another dimension to your story. While I'm not exactly rooting for the poor kid, I am however, wanting him around a bit longer to see what else you can do with him.
The dialogue in this chapter is extraordinary. You've always been a master of dialogue, but there are far to many excerpts in this chapter to post that showcase how truly good you really are. The Lucius/Siobhan banter is nothing short of genius. The way you play them off of each other makes me week in the knees. I adore Lucius, I adore Siobhan, I adore you.
Other favourite things in this chapter:
-Lucius' stance on Muggles and their literature. Interesting, very interesting.
-Siobhan's comments to Mr Lenihan. No less than hilarious.
-Siobhan being jealous and paranoid.
-Lurky!Lucius. Everyone loves a mystery man.
-Siobhan's Ribbony dress. I can just picture this...
There is not a thing about your writing that I don't adore and work to emulate. I have no concrit for you, because that would defeat the purpose of fangirling. I love you. Goodnight.
Awsome Story. Update!!!!!!!
You know… This chapter is not easy to review. I realised now, when re-reading it (again), that since we had that conversation about Lucius the other day, and since that particular LJ post of yours, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the Siobhan/Lucius relationship. Yes, what you said then did surprise me. Mainly, I think, because Sins is from Siobhan’s PoV and I’ve focused on figuring her out. While doing so I seem to have forgotten about Lucius a bit, only really judging his character after what he has said and done, not from the thoughts and feelings he must harbour. But now… Sins has got another angle to it, and things are almost turned upside-down in my head.
The first scene… The dialogue is brilliant, both when looking at the actual words and when thinking of how their views and opinions will affect the relationship later on. Oh, it’s not just Siobhan herself who enjoys the verbal battles of wit and shared taunts of playful, but sharp, tongues - I love it too. Yes, their more intimate moments are as delicious as such moments come, but it’s their interaction and conversation that make their relationship unique. *pleased*
The glimpse of pureblood society is convincing and in line with what you’ve shown of it earlier. You’ve got all the right parts there really: the fixed state of things with …and dancing the same steps that their ancestors had paved the well-polished floor with centuries ago… and This was her future, so bleak and superficial. - which seem not only to relate to dancing or Siobhan, but to the general state of things, and how difficult it would be to change these people’s opinions. You’ve included the cold politeness, the lack of interest and devotion, and silent acceptance of infidelity. Draco’s dancing skill was a nice addition, and served to reinforce the idea of traditions and stagnation further. And on the subject of Draco… No, I can’t pity him. Try as I may, I keep thinking he deserves it. Which is really unfair, of course, since I’m judging him not only on his Sins behaviour, but also on his actions in canon. In fact, you should see the ebil smirk that creeps upon my face when I think about his reaction to the truth. If he will face it, that is. You know… as I wrote that, I suddenly became very curious of when he will find out/realise it, and how the timing will affect things. If he will face/admit the truth, that is… *saves her theories for later*
So, let me focus on Siobhan for a moment. My thoughts on her in this chapter are also affected by our discussion, and make think of something I probably wouldn’t have otherwise. When I look at this: She knew, however, that Lucius would be out of her life in a matter of weeks, and she couldn’t fathom finding another like him. - it seems like not just her logical thoughts, but also her heart, have decided there can’t be anyone else like Lucius in the world. Her worry about Lucius choosing another woman might reflect the same thing, but that could also be a jealousy brought from lust, not love. The fact that she has already decided that he is irreplaceable (perhaps consciously as a lover and subconsciously as someone to actually love) gives me a better idea of what she might feel. I love to see the contrast in this chapter, between the return of a very confident Siobhan, and a Siobhan who thinks that Lucius has chosen another woman instead of her.
Lucius… *smiles* Oh, it’s so bad to feel like this, I know, with all that must go wrong for the two of them, but I love him and Siobhan together. I don’t doubt that if he felt like it, he could choose another woman at any time, but the point is that he doesn’t. He even waits for her (sure, for a very short while, but still), and clearly appreciates her. I can’t think that the Lucius you’re writing is without… options, on a night like this, but yet it seems that he doesn’t even consider someone but her. I have a fair idea of what he feels, since you told me about it, and it makes my heart ache. I wish things were easier… but then again, it would take away a lot of what makes this story so great.
Now I feel like quoting favourite lines… but I suppose it would be more useful if I pointed out the tiny mistakes I spotted?
The mentality of high-society escapes me, Siobhan thought drearily. - I’ve obviously quoted this in italics, but Siobhan’s thoughts aren’t italicised in the text – I guess they should be?
They danced for as long as the music played, and took a seat only when the orchestra took a break.. - there are two full stops at the end.
And “Wishing I were someone else,” Siobhan said stiffly with a smile. - I take it that you decided to keep the Freudian slip there? ;) I thought I’d mention it, just in case.
*coughs* *cannot help quoting favourite lines*
"Then again, we both already knew you were a predator, so I shouldn't be surprised." - *grins* I love it, I simply love it.
Over his shoulder, Siobhan caught a glimpse of Lucius, a content smirk playing across his lips, like that of an anonymous artist eavesdropping on the admiration of his work. - pureblood parties do have their bright parts, no?
"Well, let me take the rest of you there, then," he whispered huskily. - best reply of the evening. :)
She treaded the gravel walkway, enjoying the sound of stone crunching beneath her quick footsteps and the sensation of the winter chill against her skin. - it might be because I have unlimited access to winter chill, but for a moment there I was walking right next to Siobhan, the surroundings clear and bright in my mind.
Now, before I end this review, I’d like to agree with Bridget, that a nice Christmas present is in order. I’m thinking… something small but significant, that she could take back to Hogwarts and carry with her if she wished to… *giggles* Never mind that. I’m just a crazy shipper after all. ;)
Author's Response: You know, I don't think you ever give me anything to respond to, because you've already said everything ;)
As for the Freudian Slip, I'm aware that I left it there. I'm just not sure if I want to keep it. Because, 'someone else' is more accurate than 'somewhere else', though, I don't think it's something Siobhan would outwardly reveal... except by Freudian Slip, of course. Neither Draco nor Mr Lenihan seemed to think anything of it, though. So I'm not sure >.>
Other than that, yes, I don't think you left any questions to be answered or issues that need to be addressed, so I'll just give you a hug and a thanks and go back to writing :)
An excellent chapter. Well written. Good plotline. And a real good choice of characters. You certainly know your grammer. This chapter is really well thought out and makes a reader thirsty for more. Good job! 8 is the highest i give anywhere.
Okay. I really just hard down don't like Lucius. This fic doesn't have the power to change that in me.
Siobhan I continue to like strangly enough. She is a very exostential girl. She's not worried about the intagibles, the mindsets or beliefs of her lover. She wants the moment, her moment of physical pleasure. She wants the thrill of playing a dangerous game and winning her prize. I can't say that I completely relate to that but she stays true to it.
I continue to pity Draco. When will he reallize what Siobhan and his father have been up to? How will he respond?
Finally...I wonder what Siobhan and Lucius will be exchanging at Christmas. Surely something more *cough* original than just another roll in the hay? ;)
Author's Response: I love that first comment about you not liking Lucius. You're supposed to feel exactly how you feel about Lucius, it shows I'm doing a good job. :D [On the other hand, while I don't want to romanticise him, I'm hoping to humanise him just a bit in later chapters...]
Siobhan is actually very confused about what she wants, right now she's at a point where she's really good at controlling her emotions, especially since she really doesn't have interest in Lucius as anything more than a physical object [I mean, he stands for so much of what she stands against, why would she]. I think she's liberated in the sexual sense, but her emotions are def. going to catch up on her ;)
Draco... Draco, Draco. I can't promise he'll figure out exactly what's going on anytime soon, because Siobhan and Lucius are pretty sly. But, he's not a complete idiot, of course. A series of different reactions to his different suspicions...
Ah, Christmas. I don't really have any special Christmas Smut planned, if that's what your prodding around for. If you noticed, I've started cutting off the actual sex scenes. Trying to keep it sexy but focus more on the characters.
Thanks for the review, dearest Bridge! I hope you enjoyed the thoroughly long response :)
Squeak-squeak-squeak. Where is my wheel?
Author's Response: Deary me, I don't know. Perhaps Jan might have an idea -- did you know that she's my BETA?
Lucius?! What's Lucius got to do with all this? Sweet heavens to Betsy! My poor little undead rodent brain can't process it all!
Author's Response: Lucius has everything to do with it, Snickers... ;)
Oh my poor little undead rodent brain! I thought I could read one chapter, but no. I need to go on...
Author's Response: *is honoured to be chosen by the Undead Hamster* Thank you for your... enlightening... review.
Ah, finally! It seems like I've been waiting for this chappie for ages :) For the record, this is one of my top two fave fanfics. Lucius is often hard to write, and yours is so believable--just the right mixture of evil and arrogance >:)
First, concrit: An ever-vigilant SPEW member already pointed out what I saw in the text, however, in your summary...
Lucius teaches Siobhan that there consumnation was only the beginning... That should be "their" not "there", and "consumnation" ought to be ""consummation".
Siobhan is so cleverly arrogant, slapping Draco like that! I love that she can think on her feet so well, and have so much fun with Draco at the same time! Although I am a Draco fan as well, so I can't help feeling sorry for him--he's been so dense for so long now... He'll wise up to Siobhan's scheme eventually, right? That will be a truly fun chapter to read.
Siobhan is supremely unconcerned with both Draco and Narcissa--that confidence of hers is so satisfying and believable to read, but--I'm guessing her flippant attitude is gonna come back and bite her in the butt later. Canon!Draco and canon!Narcissa are more capable and probably more dangerous than Siobhan's giving them credit for.
I especially loved the thought that crossed Siobhan's mind about why "normal people usually avoid casual sexual encounters". Her ability to be so emotionally detached and just go for what she wants, well, er, it puts the "fun" in "dysfunctional"!
Waiting with baited breath for more--beautiful!!