Ha. Bridget. That's how you got this chapter back from your beta so quickly. I was wondering, you know. Isn't it wonderful how I notice these things? *beams*
Anyway, I'm finally reviewing, but I promised I would do it eventually, not necessarily at any particular point in time, and you know I adore Sins and you and every single chapter, so I didn't think I would need to tell you any sooner, particularly. Anyway. To the squeeing now.
Sneaking in and out of school bounds, seeing Lucius during the day and creeping back into her own dormitory at nightfall — there was not a dull moment. 'Never a dull moment' is the usual expression, but I wouldn't have noticed the deviation if it hadn't been for your usage of 'was not' instead of 'wasn't'. I would change it, unless it was there for some particular reason or other.
where she had come from or fantasies of where she was headed. Hee! Fantasies! Like in Sinful Reunion! *adores* Also, 'the place from where she had come' is slightly more correct.
“If I didn’t tell you before, what in the name of Salazar makes you think I’m going to tell you now?” So I pretty much *beamed* when I saw Salazar... no Merlin for Siobhan.
“People always know I’m not there, because I’m so easy to spot when I am. Damn, I’m going to have to do something about that.” She is so wonderful. It is my aspiration in life to be just like—no, to be Siobhan. I love the way she can carelessly brush everything off like that.
didn’t seem to be to your liking…” When people trail off at the end of a sentence, it’s usually written as a four-dotted ellipsis, and if they’re interrupted, it’s two dashes. You used it with only three a couple of times. Ellipsis of DOOM! Watch out! *ducks, laughing*
In the mornings, Siobhan found herself trying her hardest not to look searchingly among the post owls swooping overhead and doing so anyway. Oh, that’s so preciously Siobhan. I love her, have I mentioned that? She’s trying as hard as she can not to be conspicuous and beg the owls to land in front of her, but she wishes anyway. It’s the cover-for-what-you’re-really-thinking attitude. Maybe it’s a Slytherin thing.
Lucius murmured hungrily ‘Hungrily’ is just a hot adverb. Are adverbs allowed to be hot? You need a full stop there, too.
Worst, you might say the wrong thing to the wrong person.” It’s ‘worse.’ Hierarchy of worses: bad, worse, then worst.
“My selflessness is equal to your own, Lucius,” Siobhan retorted. I love the banter. Lovelovelove it. It’s so preciously tiramisu, and it seems to be the connection they really value most and seem to have no matter what they’re doing.
But do we ever find out what’s engraved on the ring? I didn’t quite catch that.
in his best attempt to shout as quietly as possible That’s a wonderful image—or rather, imagined sound—shouting as quietly as possible. Wonderful. You’ve misplaced your full stop here, though, too. *helpfully stabs computers*
“You know, so they can fit in some adultery to balance out the murder and torture.” Oh, the truth in this little teasing statement is just so sad. Poor, dear, misguided Siobhan. And Harry, too. He just doesn’t know how to tell her.
I could give it all up just to be unhappy. You’re missing a quote. And it’s another sad truth. Siobhan’s life is just that way, isn’t it? And don’t we have more sad truths in chapter sixteen? Oh, what you do to my heart, Jenna. I must remember truffles.
And oh, the ending. Siobhan has summarised herself in a way I didn’t expect she could. Siobhan, who can’t face that the life she’s created to avoid her life might be just as corrupt as the alternative. Siobhan, who has to put up with so much, and is so strong and wonderful. Siobhan who is my heroine.
Hehe, SexyBack just came on. Siobhan and Lucius bring sexy back. I love you, Jenna!
-_- Oh man, I can't believe he followed her! That was a great update! I can't wait to find out what happens next!
Im sorry I took so long to review, I loved the story though! It shows emotion and grabs you in and makes you want to keep reading, the only thing is that its getting kind of repetative withthe little sex scences, you do describe them perfectly and they are powerful but I think your over doing it just a tad bit. then, again, that may just be my opinion, it just fell the last few chapters have just been fillera nd the story wasnt going any place. Though, I love the wa you write, everything goes together so fluidly and one thing fits in with another, over-all an awesome story!
Wow i love this story. I love stories where Lucius is a hot lover of someone other than Narcissa
I figured that Harry would follow Siobhan at some point and find out what she was up to. I think that you very realistically showed what his reaction would be. I'm intrigued at what the engravings on the stone and ring could mean. I don't know if it means anything, but that just jumped out at me. I look forward to more!
Here I am, Jenna and Siobhan, as promised, with my reviewness!
I loved this chapter, because as much as I adore the Tiramisu, it's nice to see some dialogue, too; you do write it very well. I know that the connection between Lucius and Siobhan started out as just sexual, but as we all know they're falling/they've fallen in love, I like to get to see a different side of their relationship once in awhile. Just like I love to see her fight with Harry. I think it's good for both of them, actually. Neither has ever had the kind of friend they are to each other, if that makes any sense.
“I’ll send up red sparks.”
“Er. But what if I don’t -?”
“It’s a metaphor, Potter.”
Love that. Harry is exactly the type to miss a metaphor. He's not at all subte.
“I’ll have you know I keep a busy schedule,” Lucius replied, his tone losing all of the warmth it had managed to gather.
“Oh, in that case, be sure to bring me along for your next hair appointment or manicure or whatever it is that occupies your days,” she joked. *dies laughing* Poor Lucius, hiding his DeathEaterness and having his masculinity attacked. *giggles* I loved both of these lines.
And, they’re my age, so you don’t have to be worried.” Ha! Siobhan, dear, I heart you.
“My selflessness is equal to your own, Lucius,” Siobhan retorted, her impish smile, as she finally opened the box. Yes, indeed it is. I wonder about the 'her impish smile', though. Shouldn't it be 'flashing her impish smile' or something along that line?
“Potter what are you doing? Comma after Potter.
“Maybe Voldemort gives his more sinister servants time off on weekends, so they can spend time with their mistresses,” Potter groused darkly. “You know, so they can fit in some adultery to balance out the murder and torture.” I heart this line. It's almost Siobhan-like. Perhaps she's rubbing off on him.
“I just want an explaination.” Explanation, I think, unless that's a British thing I'm unaware of.
“And that, to you, is a lie?”
“That, to me, is a betrayal.”
Siobhan sighed. There was an off-chance he had a point. An off-chance?! How magnanimous of her to allow him that much. I think there's a little more than an off chance, Siobhan.
And for the last of my quotes: "sociopath with a snake fetish" is my favourite line of the whole thing. Great chapter!
Wow. Harry found out. I loved the confrontation between him and Siobhan.
Sad how her life's turning out. The story isn't very supsensful-I mean, there's no big mystery, really, but I still want to read more, and I can't wait for the next chapter! Awsome story, and good luck with your next chapter!
Firstly, I did promise you I’d read it – and so I have. At least the first chapter. It’s delicious. I can sense Siobhan’s desperation to have her fantasies become reality. I can feel her irritation at being treated as insignificant by Harry and Company. And I adore how her disgust with Draco is carefully hidden. *Those cunning folk use any means to achieve their ends* - brilliant way to portray that aspect of Slytherin in a character.
I’m interested in how you came to the conclusion that the Malfoys were not a happily married couple. It intrigues me. They’ve never been portrayed one way or the other, and I always assumed their ‘nobility’ status would make it more a marriage of convenience than much else, but I’d love to hear your take on it. Of course, it most likely plays into the plot, but as I haven’t gotten that far yet, I’ll just have to wait and see. I was a bit confused about their discussion – most people who consider themselves above others do try to maintain a pleasant front in public, but perhaps something has happened to disgust him to such a degree that he no longer cares for appearances.
Siobhan is very well-rounded. I adore how she is the loner, and I would love to know where the name came from. You’ve done an incredible job of capturing a reader’s attention (at least this reader’s) in just one chapter. It usually takes a few to really sink the hook, but you’ve done it beautifully. I feel just awful that I can’t find anything ‘constructive’ to say about this piece, but I’m pretty useless on that end. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty damn close. Brava.
There are so many questions that I have, and I am assuming that further exploration of the later chapters will satisfy my curiosity. Siobhan’s fantasies are perfect for a girl of her years – not too graphic, but not too innocent either. It’s refreshing to see a character so perfectly done – not perfect, but realistic in a way I could only dream of writing. It’s rare to find an OC that is so well written.
I also like how you haven’t written into the stereotype that all Slytherins are Death Eaters in training. Her anger and frustration at the war are very well portrayed in one sentence and make it very clear that while she may be harbouring impure thoughts of a certain man whose loyalties have always been in question, she, herself, is not taking that path.
You’ve done a wonderful job on this fic and I’m very pleased that I took the time to read this chapter.
Wonderful chapter, Jenna. (Yes, I fell for the self-advertising). I can just imagine Harry's face at discovering Siobhan's and Lucius's tryst. I was smirking, no, outright laughing at his expression.
Part of me is screaming that Siobhan is in denial. Of course she loves Lucius, how can she not? When will she ever find another man with silky blond hair, a pimp cane, muscled body and experience in bed? Okay, so I was joking that last sentence. But Lucius is falling for Siobhan, he cares for her, the way he is telling her to be careful...keeping her out of danger, etc.
I dont' suppose he overheard her argument with Harry? I think that would hurt him more than he would care to admit...
Author's Response: Hee, Thanks for the review. It's good you fell for the self-advertising -- being shameless isn't worth it if it doesn't get you anywhere ;) [Am I a Slyth, or what?] One clarification, nowhere in this fic does Lucius have a 'pimp cane' *wink* It's a movie thing that was cool enough until it became a fandom cliche x.x
I didn't even consider how Lucius would feel if he heard the arguement, since I wasn't going to have him overhear it, but, O.O, you've put an idea in my head. *runs*
But yes, he'd be hurt, which would just make him angry. But Siobhan was telling the truth - as she knows it. She has the potential to love Lucius, but she really doesn't see much in him worth loving. Yet. Whereas Lucius is head over heels ;) Not that he'd admit to that in 15 years.
Ahhh, Siobhan's back! Okay, I know she wasn't "missing" from any chapter, but I was longing for an update. Take your time in finishing the story, though, I'm not in any particular hurry!
Across the aisle, Potter stared at the board equally blankly. Siobhan thought he was probably forgetting more than he was learning.
You have a way of making your readers chuckle and dissolve into maniacal laughter in the span of a few seconds ...
The girl is devilish and sacrcastic as ever - a classic Slytherin. Of course, there was never real "love" between Siobhan and Lucius; it's hard to expect something like that from a Death Eater like Malfoy Senior.
And now Harry knows about their scandalous affair! I know he'll go to any lengths to stop it. He'll manage to persuade Siobhan from meeting Lucius in the next few chapters, perhaps? Or is this discussion over for good? I can't picture Harry giving up that easily ...
Awesome job, Jenna!
Author's Response: Thanks for the Review, love.
So, that line you quoted, Bridget/Deanine wrote. I wrote the original line, but she wanted me to restructure it,; instead of doing so myself, I yoinked the "example" she gave me. *giggles*
Harry, of course, would never/will never just be at peace with Siobhan/Lucius -- but given Voldemort's antics, he doesn't have time to make it top of his agenda. I imagine Harry will find himself occupied very, very soon. :X
oooooo....dang....she told him...hahaha...good chapter!..HAHA!...okay i can't stop laughing at the way she handled that...serves potter right sticking his nose into something that doesn't envolve him...or...does it?...hmmm...one can only guess what dark and twisted things lay in the dark resess of an authers mind...*scary organ music plays in the background making the reviewer look around nervously*...uummm hehe...okay....well good job on this and you have just got me wrapped so tightly around your little finger i don't think i can give up on this story if i tried...GOOD JOB!!
Author's Response: Who says I have dark and twisted thoughts lying around in my mind? *averts eyes* Good to know I have another
addictreader. Thanks for reviewing!!
*Is completely speechless at how amazingly well written that scene was* Honestly I can't think of anything to say. Wow...
Author's Response: Ooh, yay. Thanks! :)
OMG SQUEEEEEEE! Ok, I kept seeing your banner on the forums and finally I felt compelled to read this, which is strange because I'm not a fan of Lucius at all. But, I'm so glad I did! I didn't review up until now because I wanted to keep reading, but after this last chapter I had to stop and say dear Lord this story is fabulous!! *adds to favorites*
Your characterization is wonderful, everyone is extremely IC, which I personally think is difficult to do with the Malfoy's. I love that you made Siobhan friends with Harry. There really is a bias against Slytherins in the books, and I think shes an excellent example of how they can't be all bad. At the same time, her determination to get what she wants and her ease with manipulation makes her a perfect member of the house. Ok, back to reading!!!
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing, love. I hope you enjoy the rest of it as much as you have been! :) I appreciate the compliment on my characterisation, especially. *hugs*
*fans herself* well well well...i umm what can i say?...i could even stop to give a review here and there until i got to this chapter...my my you have captured my attention and ravished my mind in the most Torturously sweet way imaginable....i don't usually like a Lucius malfoy fic but my dear this one has topped my list of favorites...good job and do not stop for own sanity please i beg you!
Author's Response: It's funny how many readers I get who don't consider themselves Lucius-readers. *snickers mischeviously* Obviously, Siobhan and I really are members of "The Society for Lucius Malfoy Advocates", and with shameless advertising and a bit of writing, are winning players to this side of the field as we go :) /being manipulative.
Ooh i think Mr Malfoy is 'desirable' as well. I mean look at him, he is one sexy bitch ;-)
Author's Response: LOL. Agreed ;)
I just read through your entired story, and I have to say that I'm hooked. :) I still don't personally like Lucius (but you should be happy for that, less competition) but I find Siobhan very interesting. I love that she is friends with Harry. I look forward to reading more!
Author's Response: Well, he's not very likeable, is he? I'm not exactly in this business to make everyone drool over Lucius ;) That would make Siobhan falling in love with him less meaingful. Not... that she's going to fall in love with him or anything. >.>
Anyway. Glad you're enjoying it, thank you for reviewing! :)
Its fantastic, please tell me he's not using her for information!!!! None the less its great i love your use of words, everythings so tangiable with ur description.
Author's Response: Glad you like it, thanks for the review!
And no, he's not using her...*cough*
You already know about the lateness and the guilt bits, my dear Jenna, so I’ll get straight to reviewing.
I’m going to begin with jumping to Lucius’ letter. At first glace it was just a straightforward note, telling exactly what it needed to say. But when Siobhan noticed the fact that he had not signed with his name, I came to think of the fact that he started the name with hers – and her first name. I know they use their first names when they talk to each other, but there was just such a clear closeness in seeing it in ink. It’s like they share this great secret (duh, Anna, but you know what I mean) and their first names, which they are really not supposed to use when addressing each other, become some kind of code names. Yes, I know, I’m confusing everything. What I mean is that in that simple fact – I am Siobhan to you, and you are Lucius to me – lies something so great.
…and Siobhan was pleased that her friendship with him was proving to be so beneficial.
*nods* Yes, and I suspect Harry is not only convenient to Siobhan as a character but also to Jenna as an author? Really, Harry is the heaviest canon anchor, and it’s very giving for a reader to see how your OC acts (I can’t believe I just called Siobhan that) around him, especially as you write him as well as ever. The Jenna-Harry has always been my favourite, and he’s just as wonderful in Sins as he was when I first got to know him in Year Six.
“Please,” Siobhan scoffed. “Lucius Malfoy is too concerned about keeping his hair groomed and his boots polished to go around with the likes of those maniacs. If anything, he probably sits in his Manor ranting about the inferiority of Muggles, but wouldn’t be bothered to get off his arse and do anything about it himself.”
She likes to believe that herself, doesn’t she? I know it’s one of the strongest parts of the chapters, hence its title, so I want to comment on how clever I think it is of you to bring Lucius up around other people. The lines above could just as well have been spoken by Siobhan in her own head, but they’re ever so much more interesting when heard in a conversation. And Ginny… yeah, you know, I never thought of it (in relation to Sins) before you first showed me this chapter; obviously she wouldn’t be very fond of Mr Malfoy. (And, do tell me, is that why you are not very fond of her? *snigger*) Of course, there were other absolute gems in this conversation:
“What are you, president for the Society of Lucius Malfoy Advocates?” Potter said with a small, grimly-amused laugh.
“Maybe you can get an affiliation with ‘spew’…” Ron chimed in with a snigger.
But of course she can! *giggles* Seriously, Jenna, you know how to make your friends laugh.
“But, it doesn’t matter anyway. Why on earth would I pursue a man old enough to be my father?”
You have certainly picked an extremely good title. I can’t see the words ‘sin’ or ‘father’ appear anywhere these days without thinking about this precious story. And every time either of them appears in the actual text, they have such weight and significance. I’m sure you’ve already planned to do so, but I’d still like to encourage you to use these words really well, because I can’t imagine that I’m the only one who reacts like this.
Friday lessons seemed to drag onward with all the speed of a dying Flobberworm.
I love it when you make spontaneous HP references like that. It makes all the difference.
You know… The whole Tessie scene made me think a lot about Sirius Black and his “judge a man by how he treats his inferiors”, and it got me wondering why you chose to show it to us so clearly. It makes Lucius look like a bastard, yes. But not necessarily evil, as he agrees to take better care of the creature on Siobhan’s wish. I still don’t think that he gives a bugger about Tessie, and I despise him for that, but it’s nevertheless touching that Siobhan’s opinion matters so much to him. *small sigh*
Oh, and… I don’t suppose I could ask you for a warning in the A/N every time you’re going to mention Liam in a chapter? Because my heart sort of does this stupid somersault every time I see his name mentioned. Yes. Ahem. He needs more screen time in Sins, definitely, but with the proper warnings attached.
The Siobhan/Lucius scene is the best you’ve written in a long while; possibly the best yet in the story. Perhaps it’s the change of location, perhaps it’s Siobhan’s anger, perhaps it’s… I don’t know, but it’s… thrilling. I love Lucius’ eagerness, from the guiding her footsteps to his ‘At the moment, all I can think about is holding you down on this bed… Oh my gosh! I know I like to blabber about him loving her, but never mind that now! As long as he lusts for her like that, I’m not sure if I’m going to be demanding love as well. *grin* I’m saying it again: First Fangirl needs non-MNFF-able Tiramisu!
Can I be a bore? Good, because now I am going to be.
“Well, there issomething,” she said quietly.
- You’ve got a blank space missing between ‘is’ and ‘something’.
Her outburst sent Ginny into giggles and Ron into fits of laughter, while Potter just gaped in wide-eyed shock
- Full stop missing at the end there.
That, after all, had been the singular condition on which he had given her the secret of the passageway: …can you at least assure me you’re not doing anything dangerous…?
- I don’t know about the ellipsis there at the end; there wasn’t one in the original dialogue line by Harry.
“Is that so?” Ron asked, still snickering, and turning to his sister for her opinion.
- Here you’ve used the word ‘snickering’, whereas earlier on in the scene you said that Ron ‘sniggered’. I might have got it completely wrong, but I the idea I had was that ‘snicker’ is more American, and ‘snigger’ is British? But then again, this might just be me being ignorant. ;)
*happy sigh* I love your writing, Jenna. Just like that. There is no one else I’d rather fangirl. I know I have no right to beg for more Sins, and you already know that I’m eagerly awaiting the next chapter, so… :) JÄD!
Author's Response: *sighs happily* I love you so much, min älskling. And I love that you overanalyse everything, because otherwise I'd feel like all the little things I write mean nothing. I love that you often unbury my intentions :) Obviously, my writing is nothing without your reading.