Reviewer: HBC_slytherinpride
Date: 04/23/12 13:03
Chapter: A Shock

please quickly finish the next chapter!

Reviewer: i_collect_plugs
Date: 01/31/08 12:41
Chapter: A Shock

You should definetly continue it ;)

Reviewer: Shalashaska
Date: 02/22/07 16:45
Chapter: A Shock

You should definaley continue and if you can I think you should write more stories about Bellatrix because it's such a good topic for you and you do good on them!!!!!!!!!

Reviewer: Shalashaska
Date: 02/22/07 16:41
Chapter: A Shock

Okay,weird in a sort of way but definatley awesome!!!!

Reviewer: Hedwig with a quill
Date: 09/03/06 20:44
Chapter: A Shock

meh 8/10 creepy

Reviewer: glamorgrl111
Date: 06/17/06 14:56
Chapter: A Shock

keep writing i love it - glamorgrl111

Reviewer: HeRmYgInS
Date: 01/30/06 11:38
Chapter: A Shock

Loved. All. Of. It. Very well written. I loved your ideas...please continue!

Reviewer: Kestrel
Date: 05/23/05 16:48
Chapter: A Shock

The following is my slight report of your story:

Excerpts are in italics, and my revisions are in bold. The weeks leading up to that had found her feeling something like a stomach flu, she chalked it up to stress, now she wished it was true. If you split the sentence and make the second one: She had chalked it up to stress; now she wished that it was a simple illness. it might work a bit better.

“Rodolph, I was just as surprised as you - ” The witch was cut off by the loud shriek that was Bellatrix’s laugh. BECAUSE OF THE CONFUSION ABOVE, YOU SHOULD REPLACE ‘the witch’ WITH ‘Prudence.'

Continuing to laugh, she suddenly felt light-headed and felt a uncomfortable spasm in her back. TOO MANY USES OF THE WORD ‘felt’.

Looking Rodolphus’ eyes she grabbed his hand and he proceeded to rub hers. It should be: Looking into Rodolphus' eyes she grabbed his hand; he proceeded to rub hers.

“We did always want to have a child, considering that I am the last of my blood line, it was left to you and I to carry on the Lestrange name.” It would be better if you'd split that up into multiple sentences.

Grabbing his hand as it grazed her chin she dug her nails into the flesh, taking a slight pleasure as she saw him grimace. I LIKED HER WAY OF CAUSING SLIGHT PAIN TO OTHERS TO HAVE ENJOYMENT: THAT WAS VERY BELLATRIX-LIKE!

You don't use commas as much as necessary, but when you do I notice that you use them in place of periods and or semicolons. You also have the habit of stoppping sentences in unusual places, then starting them up again. Fragments cannot be used by themselves for sentences.

I recommend a beta. I don't use one, myself, but until you get on your fanfiction-writing feet and get plenty ofreaders I think you could use a bit of beta'ing.
Please don't be upset or angry with me about this review; if you're angry please remember that I'm helping you to make your story better; if you're upset (sad) please note that this story has a very large percent of success, with the plot and all. I really think this is a neat idea, and I like the way you portray Bellatrix - and as you read above, I expecially liked that one line.
I shall bookmark your story and keep up with it- I do hope that you continue it. And I was curious about something - please read the reply to your review for Bellatrix to see my question. Thanks!

Reviewer: Kira
Date: 05/22/05 11:38
Chapter: A Shock

this is a kick ass story i cant wait to see what happens, bella pregnant oh my gosh shell be an interesting mother wont she! 10/10

Author's Response: Wow! You're my first review! I am soo glad that people are enjoying this. Yes, Bella will most certainly have an interesting time of it. Wait until you see who else will too! Thanks for the great review!

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
Severus's Prince by DestinyMoonStar Professors
What does Severus Snape do when a one night stand turns into a baby boy? ...
The Youngest Death Eaters: Year III by DestinyMoonStar 6th-7th Years
Year 3 A year of hard choices and tough talks: Destiny learns about...
Allegiance by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 6th-7th Years
During his final year at Hogwarts, Draco Malfoy had few illusions about where...
FEATURED
The Pretender by littlebird Professors
She feels the familiar pang of disappointment that they've never been better...
A Light in the Gap by WeasleyMom 3rd-5th Years
When Harry woke that first morning in Grimmauld Place, he wondered if Ron and...
Tapestry by Equinox Chick 1st-2nd Years
As Walburga Black stitches, Sirius rebels. Two poems written about the infamous...
The Weird Sisters - B-Sides and Rarities, Vol. 2 by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 1st-2nd Years
The Weird Sisters are back for an encore. Ten more tracks from your MNFF authors.
CATEGORIES