MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: HBC_slytherinpride (Signed) · Date: 04/23/12 13:03 · For: A Shock
please quickly finish the next chapter!

Name: i_collect_plugs (Signed) · Date: 01/31/08 12:41 · For: A Shock
You should definetly continue it ;)

Name: Shalashaska (Signed) · Date: 02/22/07 16:45 · For: A Shock
You should definaley continue and if you can I think you should write more stories about Bellatrix because it's such a good topic for you and you do good on them!!!!!!!!!

Name: Shalashaska (Signed) · Date: 02/22/07 16:41 · For: A Shock
Okay,weird in a sort of way but definatley awesome!!!!

Name: Hedwig with a quill (Signed) · Date: 09/03/06 20:44 · For: A Shock
meh 8/10 creepy

Name: glamorgrl111 (Signed) · Date: 06/17/06 14:56 · For: A Shock
keep writing i love it - glamorgrl111

Name: HeRmYgInS (Signed) · Date: 01/30/06 11:38 · For: A Shock
Loved. All. Of. It. Very well written. I loved your ideas...please continue!

Name: Kestrel (Signed) · Date: 05/23/05 16:48 · For: A Shock
The following is my slight report of your story:

Excerpts are in italics, and my revisions are in bold. The weeks leading up to that had found her feeling something like a stomach flu, she chalked it up to stress, now she wished it was true. If you split the sentence and make the second one: She had chalked it up to stress; now she wished that it was a simple illness. it might work a bit better.

“Rodolph, I was just as surprised as you - ” The witch was cut off by the loud shriek that was Bellatrix’s laugh. BECAUSE OF THE CONFUSION ABOVE, YOU SHOULD REPLACE ‘the witch’ WITH ‘Prudence.'

Continuing to laugh, she suddenly felt light-headed and felt a uncomfortable spasm in her back. TOO MANY USES OF THE WORD ‘felt’.

Looking Rodolphus’ eyes she grabbed his hand and he proceeded to rub hers. It should be: Looking into Rodolphus' eyes she grabbed his hand; he proceeded to rub hers.

“We did always want to have a child, considering that I am the last of my blood line, it was left to you and I to carry on the Lestrange name.” It would be better if you'd split that up into multiple sentences.

Grabbing his hand as it grazed her chin she dug her nails into the flesh, taking a slight pleasure as she saw him grimace. I LIKED HER WAY OF CAUSING SLIGHT PAIN TO OTHERS TO HAVE ENJOYMENT: THAT WAS VERY BELLATRIX-LIKE!

You don't use commas as much as necessary, but when you do I notice that you use them in place of periods and or semicolons. You also have the habit of stoppping sentences in unusual places, then starting them up again. Fragments cannot be used by themselves for sentences.

I recommend a beta. I don't use one, myself, but until you get on your fanfiction-writing feet and get plenty ofreaders I think you could use a bit of beta'ing.
Please don't be upset or angry with me about this review; if you're angry please remember that I'm helping you to make your story better; if you're upset (sad) please note that this story has a very large percent of success, with the plot and all. I really think this is a neat idea, and I like the way you portray Bellatrix - and as you read above, I expecially liked that one line.
I shall bookmark your story and keep up with it- I do hope that you continue it. And I was curious about something - please read the reply to your review for Bellatrix to see my question. Thanks!

Name: Kira (Signed) · Date: 05/22/05 11:38 · For: A Shock
this is a kick ass story i cant wait to see what happens, bella pregnant oh my gosh shell be an interesting mother wont she! 10/10

Author's Response: Wow! You're my first review! I am soo glad that people are enjoying this. Yes, Bella will most certainly have an interesting time of it. Wait until you see who else will too! Thanks for the great review!

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