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Reviews For The Parting

Name: Hplos Noodles (Signed) · Date: 09/27/05 15:30 · For: The Parted
I dont no why I liked this but it was really inventive and differant! Loved it! I dont usually care for poems but this was particually appealing. Please, please, please write another one soon!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Poetry is not my main focus, but I will update with more now and again.

Name: CCCC (Signed) · Date: 06/26/05 20:58 · For: The Parted
Ok, I'm back for my 2nd reivew out of three, but I'm going to review out of order and do

Avada Kedavra

I think I can recognise some of dear old Oscar's work hiding in there somewhere, Reading Gaol if I'm not mistaken.

I liked this better than you're first one, partly because it's got some punctuation in there to help the reader along. But the imagery is just as good if not better.

I particularly liked the way (I'm not entirely sure that this was intentional, was that is speeded up as it went on, implying that everything is a faster and faster rush to death (yes I'm reaching here).

My personal favourite part, was the penultimate verse, especially "swansong pulling me towards the veil", that resonated with me for some reason.

An even bigger well done than the one above (or below, whichever way round the reviews work.

Author's Response: Looking back at the three, this is my favourite too. I think it works the best out of all of them as a poem. I've never (scandalous, I know) read Reading Gaol, although I have read some of his poetry. I must go read the damn thing now you've said that! LOL I think I was aiming for a poor version of a war poem with this. I don't think I'm there yet! :-)

Name: Thestral45 (Signed) · Date: 06/23/05 15:41 · For: The Parted
I've arrived! I know, I'm late, but as long as I get here...| Anyway, I have to say that I really enjoyed all your poems, The Ties That Bind being my favorite. That last stanza was moving (to me anyway). I like mysterious things, it's just me. I didn't really notice anything really long, other than the typo that was earlier pointed out. I like your style of writing, and keep it up! Good job!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review, Thestral!

Name: CCCC (Signed) · Date: 06/21/05 16:57 · For: The Parted
Here I am, late (or very nearly) as usual. Second time around (that logout bug is becoming even more vunning *sigh*, 3 poems in one aren't you generous. Oh well, to business.

The Parted

Firstly, this poem is lovely, (no sarcasm). At first it appears to be extremely mournful and sad, but this only heightens it's triumphant end.

The imagery is excellent, and definitely among the best if not the best I've seen in this competition, to follow Vader's example, my personal favourite was "The black cloak of defence conceals a love frozen in the eaves", it just summed up the separation for me.

I have to say though, that it does need some punctuation in it. You send the reader in, andgive them no real directions as to the meter, or where one though ends and another begins, which can be quite confusing. Overall, though a very good poem (must go now, will leave separate reviews for other two.)

Author's Response: Hee hee, I have a very cavalier attitude to punctuation in poetry, but I did go and punctuate it after the earlier reviews. The black cloak refers to Severus and his dark outlook on life, his emotional life has become an empty house with love hiding up in the roof, as far away from his heart as possible. I had a ball playing with imagery and I'm so glad you thought it was working. :-)

Name: Vader (Signed) · Date: 06/21/05 7:50 · For: The Parted

Magical Maeve, you have written three very good poems here. Vader sincerely enjoyed reading all three of them very much. From your work as a Beta Reader, Vader suspected you were a fantastic writer. These poems confirm that suspicion. Great job on all the of these.

Was you first poem, The Parted, meant to be a sonnet? It seems to follow a sonnet’s rhyme pattern, abab cdcd efef gg. Vader wasn’t so sure on the meter though. Perhaps the similar rhyme scheme is only a coincidence. At any rate, this poem felt so deep and so rich. There is some very good imagery in there. For example, Vader liked the line that went, the black cloak of defence seals a love frozen in the eaves, or, the iron-bright honesty of love that inhibits their minds. In a word, those lines were wonderful.

Vader also liked how this was not a typical, flowery poem about love. Granted, it is a poem about being separated for a very long time that being reunited. It just feels real where as many love or romantic poems slip off into la-la land. You avoided this pitfall very nicely.

In all honesty, Vader isn’t sure how he would change this poem. His personal preference is for much shorter lines in each stanza. However, you longer length lines do not seem to interrupt the flow. There are some places where he felt like some punctuation could have been added; most notably, a period here and there to indicate to the reader that particular thought was finished. The absence of those marks can cause the reader to try and rush right on to the next line and try and keep ideas together that really should be separate. Other than that, you did a very nice job here.

In The Ties That Bind, you once again follow that sonnet like abab cdcd efef gg pattern. This time, however, your lines get noticeably shorter by the end of the poem. It gives the reader a sense of hastening to the end, which is interesting…if intentional.

Vader thought this poem fell short of The Parted in terms of the number of lines that just blew him away. However, the first two lines opening the poem were pretty darn good. Again, Vader thinks maybe you should have tacked on a couple of periods here and there to indicate to the reader where thoughts are finished. Doing so takes the guess work out of trying to decide where thoughts begin and end. Make no mistake, this is a good poem too.

Finally, we have Vader’s favorite of the three, Avada Kedavra. Maybe Vader was partial to this one because he tried a couple of times to write a poem about this same topic…and failed miserably both times. Some of Vader’s favorites lines are:

Of a wand held high and death behind it, grinning.
Of a swansong pulling me towards the veil - fantastic.
And as I hear the gentle chimes
Of a bell discordant, ringing lonely.

You also seemed to do a better job placing punctuation in this one. It really did help steer the reader, keeping he or she in tune with the rhythm of your poem. You did a truly tremendous job on this one. Vader is very impressed (takes a bow to Magical Maeve’s poetic ability). Well done, on all three. Hopefully, we’ll get to see more poetry from you in the not too distant future.

Author's Response: Thank you for such a great review! This was, as you know, my first attempt at writing poetry since leaving school and a lot of the technical kowledge of writing poetry has been lost in the mists of my memory. The first two were sonnets in their basic form. I played with imagery more than anything else, and tried to get across a theme in a fairly abstract way.

I hate soppy love poems, I prefer the earthiness of DH Lawrence or the beauty of WB Yeats so I was never going to go for flowery! LOL As I said to Tom, the last one was my favourite also, just because when I re-read them it's the one that I think works best.

Thanks for such a great challenge and for encouraging me back to poetry!

Name: Orlaith (Signed) · Date: 06/20/05 15:53 · For: The Parted

The Parted:

Oh bravo! This was absolutely beautiful! Wonderfully structured, I thought the subtelty that courses through was great. The descriptive depth is good considering the length. I particularly liked the last two lines:

"Ahead may lie unruly waters, foaming against their forging prow But finally love, victorious, rises, above them both, to take a bow.

A very smooth ending indeed!

There appears to be a lack of punctuation, but that may not be a problem, I really enjoyed this one.

The Ties That Bind:

This reminded me somewhat of the poem on the doors of Gringotts! Particularly the 2nd stanza which made me think it was almost dagger like in your choice of vocabulary. The rhyme is very tasteful! Again a lack of punctuation, but it really doesnt take much from the way the poem is presented - well done!

Avada Kedavra

I think here you have captured death by the curse with terrifying beauty;

"And death will die a thousand times While I will face it one time only And as I hear the gentle chimes Of a bell discordant, ringing lonely"

Particularly jumped out at me, it was really quite touching. I noticed a return of punctuation - Wonderful. I really enjoyed all three - Cheers!

Author's Response: Thanks, Orlaith! *hangs head over the lack of punctuation* In my defence they were all un-beta'd. You have picked out some of my favourite lines too. The idea about death dying over and over while we will face it only once needs to be credited to John Donne, who's poem Death is one of the most profoundly uplifting that I have ever read.

Name: d3pr3ss3dNhappy (Signed) · Date: 05/27/05 17:17 · For: The Parted
Wow. All these poems were amazing. I especially enjoyed the second one though. I don't think I even needed an explanation for that one. It was very well written and the words were perfect. I'm humbled, I don't think my poem has any chance in this challenge.

I did notice one typo. At least, I think I did. You wrote "defence" in your first poem (Snape/Maeve) and I believe it is spelled "defense". However, I've seen that same spelling for it in another fic, so I'm starting to wonder if the "s" is just an American way of spelling.

These poems were magnificent overall. You did a really good job of making each one unique, even though in the first two, they had the same subject. But they were completely different.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review, Marie! Yes, defence is the British spelling and defense the American. There are quite a few of those little spelling differences around. :-) Glad you liked them...now I'm just waiting for Vader's next challenge...it was fun, wasn't it!

Name: phoenix_fire (Signed) · Date: 05/26/05 18:27 · For: The Parted
Wow. I love them all. But mostly the last one, Avada Kedavra. Maybe I'm morbid, I dunno.... Good writing, top marks. : )

Author's Response: Thanks for the review, glad you liked them!

Name: the nutty imp (Signed) · Date: 05/26/05 6:59 · For: The Parted
I like them all but, for me the second one is the best. ^_^ I guess it's the play of words is what struck me about it. I mean words like insensible sight, deathless life, inglorious light, indecisive knife.
I like the way you used stronger language gives a more intense imagery to get your point across to the reader.
The second stanza is a great contrast too. It uses more basic words/language to get the point across thus end it rather nicely.
Ciao! ^_^

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I realise I'm a bit late responding to these but the log in issue makes me afraid to try... however it seems to be behaving itself today. Yes, I loved playing with imagery....writing poetry allowed me to do far more with it than I can in my prose so it was great fun to do. Writing poetry is one heck of a way to improve your prose writing abilities in that respect. Thanks for the review!

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