i love this fic actually i love every fic of yours that i've read so far
Author's Response: Thank you. means a lot to hear that :)
Ah! This made me cry, dead serious it did. And I would never have given nearly as much insight into this as you did. Well done, well done indeed!
Author's Response: One of the best compliment I've gotten. Thank you. ^_^
First off, mad props to you for writing a Regulus-fic. Not many around here who do write the poor boy. And he deserves more love.
I'm going to refrain from criticising the poetry; it's lovely and for the most part well-written. However, I hope you won't mind if I quibble a bit about the dialogue segments. :)
On the title. I like the idea of bringing Regulus's name into it as well as the hints it gives us as to the way his story finally turned out - Regulus didn't have a happy ending, and the title says that. However, my quibble - is 'torned' really a word at all? Past tense of 'tear' is always 'torn' in my experience, and seeing 'torned' definitely jarred me for a moment. The ellipsis in the title are also slightly awkward; I'd rephrase it to 'Little King, Thy Kingdom Torn Asunder'. This is personal opinion, of course. Feel free to like it or disregard it, it's up to you. :)
The first scene, Bellatrix and Regulus and Sirius, was certainly interesting. However, this line confused me a little:
“She said my existence, and my cowardice will put us all to shame that ...”
I wasn't sure quite what you meant by this one. Judging by the way Sirius replies, I'd suggest a minor reword of that, something along the lines of "She said that my cowardice would shame us all, she said that - " (I'd also use a dash rather than an ellipsis to indicate interrupted speech, but that's just me.)
In the last line of this scene, I'd take out the comma after 'since', and merge that line with the next (the sentence fragment makes no sense there) - 'Since I'm already in trouble, what do you say...'
(As an aside, Bellatrix's mother is now canonically named 'Druella'.)
'Mom' is a bit of an Americanism, at least for children in the 1970s in a family like the Blacks', and isn't what I'd envision them caling her. Considering their formality, 'Mother' seems to be most appropriate; this is, again, a personal choice, however. :)
The second scene is definitely nice. I've always thought that the brothers Black were closer than they liked to admit, and this scene bears me out on this. Again for the nit-picks, though:
“Well Sirius, that's because you always got caught.”
I'd suggest 'always get caught'. Sirius is talking in present tense, and therefore Regulus ought to.
“If I’m such a goody-two-shoes, then I would not have gone along with most of your stupid ideas.”
Again, a slight tense clash. I'd suggest 'I wouldn't go along with your stupid ideas.'
“Yeah, everyone believes that sweet and angelic Regulus will not be capable of doing all that; but why blame me?”
This line says a lot about people's perceptions of the two. Nice. However, I seriously suggest that you use a few contractions in dialogue; I'm quite aware that folks do indeed pan contractions quite heartily, but when writing dialogue between two eleven-year-old or younger boys (especially Sirius, who I can't really see sounding formal for some reason), contractions are a Writer's Best Friend. I'd suggest something like this:
"Yeah, so everyone believes sweet, angelic Regulus couldn't possibly do all that, fine, but why blame me?"
Sometimes, dialogue that is a little colloquialised and imperfect feels more real; a blanket test for it is this: if you feel silly when saying it aloud, then it isn't quite all right. :) However, when writing characters who do come across as 'formal', one does have to be careful not to write in too many colloquialisms or 'modern'-sounding words.
“Ravenclaw, at least meant that Andromeda’s smart. Gryffindor is a house full of idiotic self-righteous traitors and the lesser kind.”
I'd suggest the word 'intelligent' instead of 'smart' here - 'smart' sounds a little off for Mrs. Black.
Those lower life forms should not even be allowed to breathe the same air as we do.
Something about this line feels a little off to me - Regulus might be an opinionated pureblooded git (at the moment!), but I can't envision any teenager routinely talking like that - perhaps something like 'They shouldn't even be allowed to breathe the air we do!' - in some places, the way you write Regulus's dialogue sounds a little too unemotional, considering that he's young and fairly hot-headed.
“So is it, James’ place?”
I'd suggest axing the comma after 'it'.
A few punctiational nitpicks on the Sirius-and-James section:
“Why do I have a feeling that this is bad news.” Suggest a question mark instead of the full-stop.
“Sirius, I’m sorry but...” Suggest a comma after 'sorry', and a dash instead of the ellipsis after 'but'.
I don’t think its working out either. Suggest 'it's' instead of 'its'.
Prongs, you said you love her right? Suggest a comma before 'right'.
"Thanks Padfoot.” Suggest a comma before 'Padfoot'.
Fidelus Charm. Fidelius. :)
Finally, I like the last scene very much, although I do think it'd benefit from removing that 'Hello, Remus' (not necessary). I also can't help but wonder about Sirius's change of attitude - one minute Regulus is 'afraid of everything', the next he 'has the heart of a lion', which seems a touch self-contradictory.
My nitpicking and annoyingly detailed criticism might have given you the wrong impression - apologies. I do like this piece, and shall read more of your work; occasionally, however, I let my inner grammatical obsessions get the better of me. :)
Author's Response: Thank you for all those corrections :) This was actually written Pre-HBP so there's probably more canon-errors by now (but was too lazy to correct those) ... I really appreciate the corrections - your CC does help to improve this --- am going to fix it :)
I'm so sorry, i missed that little point before. I think i remember reading that the "A" form RAB was part of the same constellation? Also is Bellatrix's mother name also a constellation?
Your mind's as good as JKR's own, and i can give no higher compliment that that. This is an excellent way to spend my holidays, if i do say so myself!
I also loved how it went through the stages, I'm so sorry i didnt mention all this before, i was a little star struck. :$ I loved How Regulus finally stood up for himself, in my opinion, no Black is a weakling, even Bellatrix. I can't wait to see what you have in store for us next!
Author's Response: I heard that too ... was that Aktartus or something? Bella's mum ... *sheepish smile* nope ... I didn't think it was necessary and was too lazy to do the research *L*
I actually wrote this before HBP ... just thought that a name that stands for 'Little King' and a star located at the heart of Leo ... he ought to be improtant and that maybe he's braver than Sirius gave him credit for. ^_^ *lol* I give too much emphasis on names.
*stares with awe* wow, a Vader review! You've got some good friends in high places! I didnt think it was wordled awkwardly at all... that could have been because i read the edited version! *L* Anyway, i think you really got into the characters mind, good stuff mate. You continue to improve!
Author's Response: Yes Vader's one of the more amazing poets in this site. This one was actually a response to a poetry challenge he issued. 'Life Story of a Minor HP Character'.
You're actually reading the edited version. I fixed it due to all those suggestions I got ^_^ especially from Vader. I'm mostly improving due to all the help I've gotten from reviewers, betas and even mods ^_^ Those rejection notice does give good advice. The fact that they're so strict here is a blessing for me ^_^.
Great job on this; I really enjoyed it. I have to say that the poem interspersed throughout the story was my favorite part, and the poem was very good, too :)
The story is also unique, going from Regulus's point of view (I haven't seen many fics told via Regulus), and I also enjoyed the fact that it was all dialogue --- a unique way to write something, though it can become very difficult, but in this story, you kept the flow clear and the format really worked. Good job on that.
You also did a good job on keeping in character with Regulus (it was quite believeable). My only criticisms would be that Voldemort seemed a little too cliched, and some of Regulus's and James's dialogue was a little weak --- Nothing too drastic, but it just felt slightly OOC, especially on some of James's lines.
Overall, a good job, and I'll say again that I thought the poem was the best part and wonderfully composed. (By the way, I, too, believe that Regulus is RAB. :)
Author's Response: Thanks megan_lupin.
For Voldemort, I'll admit that I don't have quite a good grasp of his characterization. He is a bit two-dimensional here ^_^ but I have no idea on how to polish him up.
On James, he had to be depicted in a somewhat negative POV because I'm using Regulus' POV.
^_^ owed the smooth flow of this to reviewers like you who pointed out the weak points for me to fix it up until I got it right. :)
Thanks for the review :) and glad you liked this.
It's not often that something I read gives me shivers down my spine, but this piece did. I found the whole story so touching and the way that the poetry was interspersed between the dialogue sections seemed to make the emotions even clearer. This was a very insightful piece as we know very little from canon about the brothers' relationship. The whole premis of Regulus' feelings of abandonment and jealousy were very well thought out and conveyed. I also liked the twist of James betraying Sirius with Lily - making sense of the first poem. How sad that Sirius never found out that his brother was braver than he thought - both in canon and in your story! My only gripe is that there are a few typos and punc. mistakes - the odd question mark missing here and there but the elegance and originality of your writing more than makes up for them. Good stuff, Nutty!
Author's Response: Thanks. Sadly grammar is typos is a weakness of mine ... I've already fixed this, but seems I still missed a lot. Guess that's why I'm not such a good beta *L* Always glad to hear from you.
I love the dialogue and poetry format. Surprising how much the former reveals about Regulus and Sirius' relationship and the loss they both feel. And love how nicely enframed that dialogue is within the lines of poetry.
Author's Response: Thanks. I wanted to show how they are somehow, not that different despite their lives going in different direction. Thanks so much for the review. I'm glad you like it.
Nicely done. I liked how the poetry was incorporated into the story. I like your take on Regulus. He's a character we don't know much about in JKR's story, so it's interesting to get a glimps at his possible background.
Author's Response: Thanks ^_^ Regulus is indeed interesting just because we know very little about him ^_^
That was incredibly sad, that he only saw the error in his ways at the very last moment. I liked the way you illustrated the poetry with sections of conversation inbetween. You successfully showed the depth of tehir bond and how far it went.
There were several spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, but it was wonderfully thought out.
I like the last stanza very much tears prickled in my eyes as I read:
"I once told you that I am not brave. I never knew that I was wrong, I stood tall and your life I saved. To you my brother, I bid thee so long."
Well done, I rather enjoyed that!
Author's Response: Grammar is one of my weaknesses (I tend to forget them when writing a story) ^_^ Thanks for telling me ... I'll re-check the spelling and maybe correct some grammatical errors (if I find them) Thanks for those words of encouragement ^_^
Hi, I'm also judging, just so you know! :) I thought that how you tied in the poem with the story was an original idea. I also liked how it was about Regulus Black. A few things that didn't seem to fit were, like Vader said, that one particular stanza. Just didn't seem to flow with the...what's the word...meaning? Anyway, I think you did an excellent job!
Author's Response: Wow it's incredibly hard to review and answer nowadays .... (okay going back on topic)
Thanks so much for telling me ... I guess the newly revised stanza doesn't work well either ... I try to change that again .... As soon as I can think of a new one and the system stops to log me off constantly :( Thanks for leaving word ^_^ I know how hard it is to do so these days ...
Vader is impressed with this work, nutty imp. It tells such a great story and has such a tragic/heroic ending. Additionally, Vader enjoyed the freshness of the idea; he hasn’t seen too many stories/poems about Regulus Black. The fact that it was a new idea in that regard (at least to Vader) boosted his enjoyment of it.
The rhythm and rhymes in the poetic portions were, with very few exceptions, fantastic. There were a couple of places where maybe the rhythm wasn’t really off, but seemed to change a little. That is, in a couple of the stanzas, the lines seemed to be much shorter. Vader thinks, however, taking this work a whole, you can get away with that a little more because the dialogue sort of breaks up the stanzas anyway. With something like this, perfection in meter isn’t as important.
For the most part, the rhymes schemes were very good. The one that really just didn’t work for me was secrets and wicked used in the following stanza:
He locked you in his grip
By sharing little secrets.
You call it friendship
All I see is a game so wicked
Vader would suggest working on this stanza, and possibly rewording it a little. The meter seems a little off to him as well. It just didn’t seem to flow like the rest of the poem. If Vader may be so bold as to offer a suggestion…? How about something like, “Secrets locked you in his grip, of this you should be ashamed. You call it friendship’s bond, I think it’s a wicked game.” Okay, the rhyme is not perfect there either. But, you could work with something along those lines. At any rate, it’s just a suggestion.
Finally, the dialogue really added a lot to this work. It sort of filled in any holes. The only comment Vader had there is that in a few places it gets a little confusing as to who is talking. Eventually, the reader can figure out who it is, but have to read a few lines beyond to tell. And, Vader really isn’t sure how you change that without altering the pattern here. It’s a minor comment, but something Vader honestly felt as he read.
This one rates very on a number of different levels. It’s original, it flows well, good rhyme, good meter. What can Vader say, good job!
Author's Response: Wow that's a long review thanks Vader. Truth be told I had a hard time coming up with a good rhyme with secrets...I did as suggested and re-worded everything it does seem better... the new stanza is:
He had you locked firmly into his grip
Secrets shared strengthened this bond.
You blindly embraced this friendship;
I watched the rift between us dawned.
Am not sure if it works well but it does worked better than the other one. Your suggestions helped greatly. ^_^
ok, since I'm doing this for the judging competition, I'm just going to review the poem. (less work :D) 1. It's got a nice steady rhythm that is easy to get into, (that's good) 2. "You had never cower" doesn't make much sense, I think you might have meant, "You never cowered" or "You would never cower", either's good. 3."You truly did belong in Gryffindor" has one to many emphatic syllables, changing it to "truely belonged" would help, or losing a syllable altogether. 4. This verse (6th one) is excellent, can't think of any comments. 5. "the our family" a typo here I think, our I'd suggest id better. 6. I'd slightly question the use of the word racket, but that's just a personal opinion. 7. "but turned the other cheek" has turned in the wrong tense, it should be "turn", and I think there needs to be a semi-colon after betrayed for it to make sense. 8. My final and most major piece of criticism is the punctuation, there is not nearly enough of it. You've capitalised the first letter of each line for no apparent reason, and several times there are places where lines require re-reading to understand them. Apart from that, it was really good, there was some nice imagery, and some interesting speculation. Overall, Well #Done
Author's Response: Thanks for pointing out those errors. I made the necessary corrections ^_^
Author's Response: I forgot: "I really appreciate the time and effort that you took to point all those out."
Just awesome. JUST AWESOME. That was really heart-breaking. Not only that the rhymes were superb, they also tied in perfectly with the air of the story. Moreover, I don't think there could have been a better description of the drifting apart of Sirius and Regulus's attitutes. I also really liked the Little King thing at the end and the way of Regulus' unknown, brave death.
Author's Response: Thanks. The ties of brotherhood and their slow forming rift is exactly what I wanted to show. Am elated to hear that you see it that way too ^_^
Your poetry is quite good but this is much much better. It is exactly the sort of fic I have wanted to write for ages with dialouge in between Sirius and Regulus, but I'm glad you beat me to it because you have made a much better job than I ever could. I loved the way you worked in the poem to the words, there were hardly any mistakes at all, and they were so tiny I can't even remember them properly. It was very interesting the way you had Sirius with Lily, personally I don't think that would happend because I reckon James would kill him but thats just me. I a, adding this to my faves list and I am eager to read more of your stuff. Definately a well earned ten.
Author's Response: Thanks glad to hear that people are enjoying this. The Sirius/Lily *L* you're not the only one who thinks so. ^_^ I blame that on watching too much old movies *grin*
Oh, I cried. I love the whole thing. I love how you have the littlest bit of actual story in between. I will review again, when I have read them all, and give you anther rating.
Author's Response: Thanks ^_^ Glad to hear that you like the dialogues in-between and that you found this sad.
This story was very well written. I loved the way you used poetry to express Regulus's feelings. I think you proved your point about poetry being more powerful easily. Several times with the dialogue (James and Sirius) I had a little trouble understanding who was saying what. But other than that, it was grand! I like the idea that maybe Regulus wasn't just the coward Sirius made him out to be. And I thought there was an interesting twist with the Sirius/Lily relationship, though I'm not sure I really like it.
Author's Response: Thanks ^_^ Really nice of you to say so. The Sirius/Lily *L* .. I just wanted to give Sirius and James a bit of an issue between them -- The Snape incident just seemed more of a Remus/Sirius issue. Got the idea from an old movie "Chances Are" where the best friend treated the child like his own not only due to his love for his late friend but also the mother of the child. ^_^ Although I can't imagine Lily being with anyone else ^_^
Pretty Good, at first i didn't really like where it as going, but i loved the ending!!! So sad!!
Author's Response: Glad to that you liked it, in the end. Thanks for reading and reviewing ^_^
omigod, that was so sad. ;(
Author's Response: Thanks. Glad to here I managed to pull off an angst fic ^_^