I really enjoyed the first chapter!!! I can't wait to read the rest! ~Sara
Author's Response: I hope you'd enjot the rest as well :)
Really good!!! i like it!! ~Sara
Author's Response: Thank you.
My favourite character in this chapter was definantly Kreacher. You did a wonderful job on his speach. However, my favourite quote has to be "I promise to never turn your hair green again." It's just makes me laugh when I think of a six-year-old version of Sirius saying this.
I think you captured Narssisa and Lucius' personalities quite well. I can see Lucius not wanting to be put in a bad light, and Narssisa wanting to stay true to her family. Then, Lucius doing it for the money and to put others on a lower scale then himself. Wonderful.
I think the plot is pretty interesting. I'm curious to know if Sirius growing up at the Malfoy's effects his house. Keep up the wonderful writing.
Author's Response: I never thought I'd be a natural at writing Kreacher. *lol* Well given the fact that Sirius turned out the way he did despite growing up a Black - I figured the Malfoys would also fail to change him from the Sirius Black we all know and love.
Another lovely light-hearted chapter. I like the pranks you think of, they’re not too elaborate for first years to carry out, but they’re still funny. I would have liked to see Snape myself, though. Hearing Percy’s account of what Penelope overheard in the Hospital Wing was nice, but I think the prank would have been even funnier, if you would have shown it directly.
The encounter with the Kelpie made me curious to find out more about the Blacks, but with all the pranks the actual mystery in your story seems to be taking second place in this chapter. The last chapter ended with a lot of suspense, because of the dream sequence, but this chapter didn’t pick up there at all. The suspense was completely lost in the transition, and while I like these fun chapters, I would have liked to see you carry the suspense from the dream into this chapter and maybe shed some light on the past.
Another thing that stood out to me during the Kelpie scene was that Sirius and Harry seem to know an awful lot of spells. While you can justify Sirius’ knowledge with saying that Kingsley and Moody showed him some spells, Harry doesn’t have an excuse to know this much after only a few days of school. It’s simply not possible for someone who has never cast a spell before to learn four or five spells in one or two days.
There were also a number of grammar issues that stood out to me:
When you incorporate dialogue in your sentences, you don’t put any punctuation mark in front of it quite often. This is simply wrong, there has to be either a comma or a full stop in front of the speech. You put a comma when the sentence in front of the speech refer to the way a character is saying something, and a full stop, when it doesn’t refer to the dialogue at all.
Another punctuation issue I noticed was that you sometimes don’t put a comma in front of the name of someone that is addressed. For example here: ”What are you gonna do about it Weasley?” There should be a comma in front of ‘Weasley’.
Another thing I wanted to mention briefly are the serious-Sirius pun and the whole Sirius-McGonagall angle. The serious-Sirius pun is getting really old by now, but what made it work in your fic, is that you said it was a bad pun right after Harry made it. This shows that you yourself aren’t one of those, who think the pun is incredibly witty, but that you still know how to use it to your advantage. As for Sirius’ mannerism towards McGonagall, I feel that it’s getting old very fast. It was funny the first time around, but having something similar in this chapter doesn’t seem to serve any purpose but renewing an old joke. I would be careful with repeating jokes or funny behaviour like this, because it can bore readers very quickly.
I feel like I’ve totally torn the chapter to pieces, which wasn’t what I wanted to do. I actually enjoyed reading it, I’m just in a very nit-picky mood tonight.
Author's Response: *lol* This chapter truly shows how far I've come from the moment I've first started. *giggle* It's my first unbetaed chapter; and before Lex arrived to mod for me and grilled me on proper punctuations *lol* - *sigh* I really have to fix it ... although it's nice to look at this particular chapter: for the before and after picture *giggle* -- ok enough with the sentiments -- I've been delaying this long enough. Ze mods will probably cringe when they read this and wondered how I slipped through *lol*
to fix or not to fix, that is the question... (kidding!) I'll fix it. ^_^
*giggle* who could resist the old Serious-Sirius pun *lol* no Sirius fic is complete without it *lol*
your story is awesome hurry up with the next chapter.
Author's Response: *sheepish grin* Am in the process of re-writing it ...
Hey Miel, I'm back! *lol* Told you, you wouldn't get rid of me.^^
Another very good chapter, although I have to say, that Remus's dream at the end and his memory issues interested me more than Sirius, Harry and Ron's fight. The first part with the three boys, their problems and the pranks was nice and entertaining. But Remus's dream showed why the story is placed in the Mystery-category again. I was sitting on the edge of my seat and literally couldn't read fast enough, then when I was done I had to go back and reread the whole dream sequence to make sure I caught every little detail.
I like how you include Hermione into the group right from the start. But where was Neville in this chapter? Even Seamus and Dean were mentioned when Sirius came back from his detention, but Neville was nowhere to be seen. I hope you haven't forgotten about him.
Sirius smiled, as he sometimes forget that Harry, although a full blooded wizard, was raised in the non-magical world. The part about Sirius forgetting that Harry has been raised by Muggles sounds as if Harry and Sirius have known each other for quite some time. Your usage of 'sometimes' suggests that Sirius has forgotten about it in the past and continues to do so. This isn't possible, because they just met the day before. If you change it to 'he had forgotten' it shows that while Sirius knows this, he hasn't been around Harry for long and forgot, because if he would have been around Harry for a while he would probably be used to him not knowing about some wizarding traditions.
They now gave their full attention to the other exchange that trtranspired in their room. You put the 'tr' twice in a row at the beginning of 'transpired'.
“War is a terrible thing, isn’t it Remus? It reveals the dark inner conflict within us. It unmasks and shows us the ugliness, cruelty, and inhumanity lurking within. It destroys all that was once innocent, good, and pure. We lose more friends than we gain allies. There are no true heroes in war, only victims. I know you can’t hear me now, but I have to say I’m sorry. Voldemort may be gone, but it’s not yet over. Funny, isn’t it? It was so much easier then, I knew Voldemort was evil and choosing sides was so simple ... so black and white...but, it’s not so easy now. Now all I see are shades of gray. I have chosen my shade of gray. I’m sorry, I cannot go against my family. I only pray that when you wake up, you’ll stay away from this conflict, else next time we meet, it will be as enemies. Farewell, my friend.” This speech is so deep (for lack of better word), it sent shivers down my spine. I know lots of people have had similar things about war, but if it's done well it moves me every time. I love your choice of words, the words say so much about Regulus in such a short span of time. You can feel how conflicted he is. His farewell at the end sounded so final, and in a way it is, because he didn't only say goodbye to his friend, but also to a part of himself that would be lost if he followed the darker path he had chosen for himself. This is the best passage of this chapter, the whole fic up until now even!
Author's Response: Rest assure that Neville's not forgotten. I just don't feature him much because I'm not good with his characterization *lol* I know its lame ^_^ Thanks for the advice and correction with that typo. Will correct that.
^_^ I think you're the first to mention about that passage ... an indication that I ought to do more serious scenes than all those fooling around.
darn those prologues!
Author's Response: *lol* the bard song?
I love this story SO much...
Author's Response: ^_^ Thank you. Glad to hear that :)
that was a funny chappter! :) L.O.L complete caos! I love Sirius for that! this is the first story like this that i've read! Really good i give it a ten! :)
Author's Response: Thanks. I know what you mean a strange mix -- I just can't decide on which genre to stick with *lol*
Wow. this story is probably one of the best i have read thus far, cant wait for the next chapter.
Author's Response: Thanks. I'll try to pick up and finish that next chapter (which has been gathering cobwebs for a while now) ... I think I know what to do about a certain character now :)
This is an amazing story it is so going on to my favorite list!! How did you ever come up with all that history of the black family? it is like J.K.R. wrote it, it fits so good!!!
Author's Response: Always love it when people does that. Wild imagination and an obsession to myths :) The Blacks just have that air of mystery to them, one that I can't resist. Thanks for reading :)
Well, I'm guilty of being a "silent reader". I was planning to comment once I got caught up with the story, but seeing as you pinned me, i figured I'd better comment now. Allow me to commend you on your excellent writing, I love how you manage to fit in rhymes, it looks so cool, though sometimes I wonder if the formatting screwed up because it seems that everytime you start a new line it would be capitalised, but it doesn't work like that on the main screen. Anyway, keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Thanks for telling me. Seems I'll have to fix those formating. So happy to hear that you're enjoying this one :)
O my god, I nearly killed myself laughing when Sirius talked to McGonagall! The cheek of him to speak to a professor like that! Your Sirius is brilliant, soo funny. At times he seems to be older than he actually is, but then he goes and does something stupid or childish and he's the typicical 11-year old again. Towards the end of this chapter I felt really sorry for him, it can't be easy to be hated or feared by everyone or nearly everyone. You managed to convey his emotions pretty well there.
Harry's dream was interesting. I'm curious what role Sirius will play in the events of Harry's first year and how his presence will affect Harry and his friends.
Some nit-picky things I noticed:
“Don’t ye worry about me, Harry. Me skin is tougher than most.” The giant smiled down at concerned boy “Now go get yerself a boat.” I'm not sure if there's a rule for this, but I would add 'the' in front of 'concerned boy'. It feels right that way.
A handful of first years who have also recovered from their shock, chuckled as well. 'Have' has to be in past tense here.
A few feet away, Harry Potter have similar thoughts. Same as above, 'have' has to be 'had'.
He glared at the red curtains that surrounded his bed as he fumed about gits who does not understand his need to brood. 'Gits' and 'does' don't match, it either has to be 'a git who does' or 'gits who do'. And once again you use present tense where there should be past tense.
Professor McGonagall, brought Sirius to the Gryffindor Common Room. You don't need the comma in this sentence. Another small mistake, 'common room' isn't written with capital letters. You told me that for one of my fics, didn't you?^^
Author's Response: *lol* that I did. Thanks Ilka. I'll go and correct those.
I really liked the way you started this chapter, the atmosphere of the previous chapter is continued very nicely during the first paragraphs until Percy leaves the compartment. That’s when the darkness and mysterious-ness from the Prologue and Chapter 1 start to return, the last scene then is exactly like the Prologue again, where tone is concerned.
You have a pretty good grasp on your characters and they stay true to canon for the most part. I was somewhat surprised that Hermione didn’t know about the Blacks’ involvement in the war against Voldemort. She knew everything there was to know about Harry at the beginning of PS, wouldn’t she also know about the Blacks? It would be in the books I’d say.
Some nit-picking before I have to go back to work:
“As much as we want to take credit for this marvelously prank...” Marvelous needs to be an adjective here, because the word describes the following noun, not a verb.
“Typical Weasley, trying to cover up for one another’s blotches. Dumbledore probably made that buffoon a prefect, just to show that he treats trash just as fairly as he do other students.” Don’t forget the s, if you have present tense third person singular. It has to be ‘he does’ here.
Harry is now thoroughly confused. You’ve been telling the whole story in past tense so far, keep doing it. ‘Harry was …’
“A thestal, a flying horse with bat-like wings, it symbolizes death. A dark unicorn, an innately magical monster that brings death and diseases. Lastly a hinoema, a fire horse that wrecks havoc wherever it goes and consumes everything in its path." Small typo, they’re called thestrals, not thestals.
Orion Black, known for his knowledge of dark magic and power
All those who face him shivers and cowers
Your subject in the second line ‘all those’ is plural, so you don’t need the s at the end of ‘shiver’ and ‘cower’.
The verses at the end, when the book is ‘talking’ are brilliant. They make this section really stand out and give the ‘book’ a unique voice. I can’t wait to read what Sirius is going to learn about his family through the book.
Author's Response: Well except for Neville ^_^ ... most Neville experts says I made him a bit more confident but thank goodness this is AU so I got away with that.
Hermione? I figured since she's Muggle, her family didn't experience the atrocities first hand and test books tends to give a much watered down version of some facts (at least bad ones they elaborate a lot on the achievements) I doubt that she'll know the who's who of the Death Eaters at that age ... I culd be wrong ofcourse.
Thankd for all those corrections again. I'll go and fix them.
In case you were wondering, I'm still reading and reviewing, I just didn't have to much time over the last two weeks or so. I really enjoyed this chapter, mainly because it wasn't as gloomy and dark as the Prologue and Chapter 1. It made for a nice contrast.
I also felt that I really got to know Sirius in this chapter. The tidbits we learn from Kingsley, the scene in Malfoy Manor and finally the way he acted on the Hogwarts Express all showed different sides of his character and I can't wait to see more. Especially the way he got along with Harry intrigues me. I wonder if they'll become friends or if Sirius is a little too wild for Harry.
And just because I have loads of time on my hands, I found a couple more mistakes than in the previous chapters:
Suddenly, a young woman with spikey pink hair came and zigzagged around everyone, she jumped over some file boxes, and amazingly not a single drop spilled from the cup of coffee that she carried. This isn't really a mistake, but it would sound better if you got rid of the 'that', it's not needed and just hinders the flow of the sentence.
She took a deep breath to composed herself before she opened the door and stepped inside the room. After 'to' you always put the infinitive, so this has to be 'She took a deep breath to compose herself'.
A mere child that was often left to our care whenever the Malfoys have to attend a function. You start this sentence in the past, so you should stay in the past until the end of it. Thus it has to be 'whenever the Malfoys had to attend...'.
Kingley grinned. There's a small typo here, it's 'Kingsley' not 'Kingley'.
Lucius frowned and cursed the problematic child that he was forced to take in. The action of taking Sirius in was before the time when Lucius is cursing it, so the tense must reflect this, it has to be 'that he had been forced to take in'.
Most of them have children in similar attire with cages that contained owls atop their trunks. You're telling your story in past tense, but in this sentence you use present tense instead, simply changing it to past tense would be keeping with the flow of your story.
Author's Response: I know what you mean I've been equally swamped ... (thankfully it's nothing school related)
Thanks Ilka ^_^ You were warned this early work is the sloppiest one :) Thanks for the good have shove to get me to finally fix it. Am a lazy one.
I'll g and fix all that ^_^ Danke! ^_^
can you send me the whole song of "this old man" (the quill's version) at firstname.lastname@example.org THANKS!
Author's Response: Sent :) Hope you'll enjoy it :)
I like the way you started this chapter, you're not throwing the readers into this new time period without any background information, which makes it easier to follow the story. The dialogue was also a good way of showing how the name Black is still affecting the people, namely Kingsley, even though the Blacks who fought for Voldemort are dead. The dialogue doesn't get boring and really is a mix of giving information and helping the story along.
Sirius' reaction to being in his home all alone all of a sudden are really well done. You managed to keep him in character while still showing that he is just a little kid. His assurance that he is a better wizard than Blood Traitors and Halfbloods shows that he still shares his parents believes, this couldn't be any other way, because he has never known anything else.
The meeting with Fudge was well done as well. Fudge is still discussing what should happen while Dumbledore goes ahead and produces a solution that Fudge can't really say no to. That's just what Dumbledore would do, handle a situation the way he wants it and then put it out to Fudge as an option, knowing that Fudge can't really object. Very nicely done.
The interaction between Lucius and Narcissa was brilliant. Lucius doesn't even notice that she's manipulating him! Narcissa uses some of the same weapons she uses on Snape in Spinner's End to make Lucius do what she wants him to, she uses flattery there and she does it again in this story. By the way, did you write this before HBP came out or after?
The Malfoy Manor was such a grand mansion. She had stood for five generations of Malfoys. The whiteness of its walls gives it a welcoming appearance. There you change tenses again, without any reason. Change the present tense in the third sentence to past tense, there's no need to make this sentence stand out above the rest of the description.
So Sirius will be living with the Malfoys? I'm curious how he will get along with Draco and what life will be like for him at Malfoy Manor.
Author's Response: Thanks Ilka... I'll go fix that again. I actually wrote this pre-HBP thus I even got Sirius's mother's name wrong ... at least I was able to guess the father's name correctly. I'll have to change all the Nadine to Walburga as well :(
The only other fic of yours I read is El Gaunt Herencia, so I decided to try something different and not go for THe Healer first. Your prologue intrigued me and I can't wait to see what'll happen to Sirius. I love the Blacks and everything about them, so your promise that this will partly be about the mysteries surrounding their family made me want to read this even more.
The atmosphere you create in the first few paragraphs with the prophecy and Orion's thoughts was really well done and gave the story a mythical and mysterious feel. I like the idea that the Blacks call a seer every time a child is born, that sounds like something they'd definitely do. THe prophecy made it seem as if Sirius is destined to do something really important, I'm curious what role he will have to play in the history of his family.
Nadine vowed to raise her beloved first-born child as a proper Black. The child will be strong as is common to all Black heirs, she can feel it. You changed tenses here, even though it wasn't necessary to do so. The second sentence won't lose any of its power if you put it in past tense as well, so that's what I'd do, so it doesn't disrupt the flow of your story.
There's a definite change in pace when Sirius and Regulus appear, but you still manage to keep the mysterious atmosphere from the beginning of the story, this keeps your fic consistens and makes it seem like two parts of a whole and not just two separate scenes without any relation to each other. Sirius' character is very well done. I like it that he was mischievious and slightly reckless even as a little kid, his thirst for adventures won't just have appeared when he met James but it would have been there before as well. Regulus is well done as well. If Sirius is six years old at that point in the story, I'd venture a guess that Regulus is four or five, so it's believable that he would let Sirius be the one in charge and follow him, even though he has slight reservations against doing something their parents don't want them to do. I think it's ok for him to go with Sirius, even though he doesn't want to, because what four year old doesn't do what his older brother says?
There are a few instances where you use 'that' in which I think you could leave them out, but it doesn't disrupt the flow of your story.
I really want to know what object Sirius was playing with and what has happened to him, so that's all you get for the prologue^^ Nice beginning, it has me hooked already.
Author's Response: Well this one will definitely be a lighter read than 'The Healer' (despite the length). Thanks for pointing that out. I'll fix that :)
The object? some people interpreted it as some sort of time turner. I myself just made it up but I guess it would be an older version of that.
As always with you Miel, good work! I have now read almost every single story of yours and i must say i thoroughly enjoyed every one of them. Ok, i like this chapter a lot but it needs to have a wee bit more flow and that is pretty much the only mistake you made. Otherwise everything is perfect. Your writing style is good and your characterisation excellent. An extremely delightful read!
Author's Response: *lol* This is actually my first fic so it is a bit choppy. I've been trying to slowly fix it by adding a short scene here and there ... correcting the tenses... although not much recently.
A very good effort on your part i must say! I was just browsing stories for the scavenger hunt and i came across this. A particularly good story. What i like most about this story is that it is very entertaining and this is one of the most important ingredients of any story because that is what the reader want to see. I am a bit confused though- Black with Malfoy? Did i miss something over here? And also as harriet says about neville- he does seem confident. Good job with this story!
Author's Response: *Sigh* I know ... I've tried to tone him down a bit .. but to no avail. Guess I'm not good with Neville. Good thing this is tagged as an AU... else I don't think I could had gotten away with that...