The whole beginning of this chapter, with James and Sirius trying to get into Dumbledore's Office, is absolutely hilarious. I love the way Sirius tries to open the door using 'alohomora.' You do a really good job of showing the frustration he feels at Dumbledore being gone. Jocelyn's behavior continues to be odd, but I'm sure we'll eventually find out why. It is interesting that you throw Hector in at this point in the story and I can't help but wonder what part, if any, he'll have in the rest of the story. The ending is marvelous. I love the way Lily is anticipating James asking her out and how she gets angry when he doesn't. Looking forward to the next chapter.
This is a really good chapter. I like the way you begin with the scene at St. Mungo's and then return the students to Hogwarts. You do a really good job describing the type of somber feel that follows attending a funeral and then spending some time at a hospital, but I'm glad to see that the students are striving for some kind of normalcy. However, you are missing the word 'the' between 'to' and 'kitchens' in the sentence about James, Sirius, and Jocelyn going to the kitchens for food. I like the way you work Narcissa back into the story as a somewhat threatening presence and then show how she can be subdued with threats as well. The ending is really great because it finally shows Sirius thinking clearly about what needs to be done. I'm interested to find out what Dumbledore will have to say to him.
Wow, I really like this chapter, even though it definitely ends on a depressing note. Going from a funeral to a hospital to watch someone else die is probably the worst scenario I can imagine anyone being in, especially when it's their parents. Having Sirius run away after seeing the kitchen was a very nice touch. While I was reading that part though, I couldn't help but think that he might've run to his parents' house because he was so angry by what had happened and he could probably take some of it out on his family. Therefore, I was slightly disappointed when he ended up just running until he was lost, even though I can understand him doing that as well. I can't help but wonder what Sirius will do now and I am anxious to keep reading to find out.
Another really good chapter, even though it started out a little slow. I'm slightly confused again as to why Lily doesn't seem to comprehend the antagonism in Sirius' family. After their chat in Hogsmead I would have thought it was obvious unless she really wasn't paying much attention to what he said. Another thing, I thought Lily would know a lot about James after that since Sirius started telling her about himself so he could tell her all about James. So, did he or did he not tell Lily about James during their first conversation in Hogsmeade? Also, I noticed a typo at the beginning of the chapter after James just made a comment and you wrote, 'he insisted as the headed up the Charms corridor.' The 'the' between 'as' and 'headed' should be 'they' instead. Other than that littly typo and Lily's apparent lack of understanding, I think this chapter is really good. It definitely shows the beginning of a foundation for the relationship between James and Lily, which is important. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter.
Ah, the Blacks at war with themselves. I can't help but wonder what the rest of the family is thinking about Vega's murder by Death Eaters. Will they all immediately think Bella was the one who orchestrated it? Probably, or at least I think they will. Okay, enough of my own musings and to the chapter at hand. You do a wonderful job of portraying both Jocelyn and Sirius through their argument with each other over what he's planning to do. It is so fitting that she run after him and try to stop him, especially since they are both outcasts within their family. The one thing that kept nagging at me was why didn't James follow Sirius as well? With their newly repaired friendship, I would think that James would want to go after Sirius, either to convince him to wait or to just go with him to help. Either way, I can't help thinking that James would have wanted to do something and would not have remained sitting in the Great Hall when Sirius stormed out. Other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter and can't wait to find out what Sirius does in the next.
You do a really good job using this chapter as a way to transition into the dark/angsty chapters you say are coming. The beginning was nice and really made me laugh. I was a little confused by exactly why Sirius needed to go to the hospital wing for simply choking on juice. I've never heard of anyone needing medical attention for that as liquid can't really get stuck in someone's throat. I understand he would be coughing a lot before he'd be able to breathe normally again, but to stop breahing completely (which is what I thought you were implying) seems a little unrealistic. Anyway, I really love the scene in the Defense Against the Dark Arts class where James, Sirius, Jocelyn, and Lily all end up with detention for arguing with Professor Venenum. It's about time Lily showed some solidarity with the others and loosened up enough to stand up for them against an unfair teacher; doing that is something I always thought she would do. However, I have a hard time picturing Lily being queasy around dead things since she is so good in potions. Oh well, maybe she's good making the potions that don't contain dead things. My favorite part of this whole chapter is the confrontation that Sirius and Jocelyn have with Narcissa. The way you write Narcissa is exactly the way I had pictured her, bored and unaffected by her cousins. I am anxious to read the next couple of chapters and find out what happens to everyone.
Opening the chapter with Lily reading out of the Daily Prophet was brilliant! It really reminded me of certain parts of the books where JK puts in the little snippets from the Daily Prophet. Plus, having it there really set up the scene that followed as it re-inforced Bellatrix's knowledge of what heppened in Hogsmeade. I mean, I'm sure she would have known either way, but because the Daily Prophet published the story, she didn't draw as much attention sending the letter to Sirius as she would have if the article had not been published. However, I was slightly troubled with the way Lily appears so clueless about what is going on when Sirius receives the letter. It didn't seem realistic to me that Lily would've forgotten all about the animosity between Bellatrix and Sirius after he had told her all about his family history while they were in Hogsmeade. Having Lily be totally oblivious to the implications of Bellatrix's letter makes her seem more like an airhead than she truly is, especially since we've all been told how bright she is. Anyway, I really like the scene where James and Sirius are walking around and you write a lot of Sirius' thoughts. Allowing us to see what he is thinking really opens up his character to us, which is great. The ending was pretty good. I enjoyed seeing how being friends with James again really effected Sirius and his ability to perform magic. Fantastic!
Having Death Eaters attack James is a brilliant way to basically force him and Sirius to work together. Sirius finally snaps out of it and realizes James is still his best mate and James finally accepts Sirius' help before they both basically shrug the whole deal off. Marvelous! Just one question. If James is already at the Three Broomsticks by himself, and Sirius and Remus bring Jocelyn with them, where is Peter? Also, something that has been nagging me the last few chapters. How were Lily and James dealing with Head Boy and Head Girl duties during the whole situation? There really isn't much mention of it, so it may be completely irrelevant, but there really isn't much mention of the way the two of them were behaving toward each other during the whole time James and Sirius weren't speaking. Okay, back to the chapter at hand. I really, really enjoyed reading this chapter and am glad that James and Sirius have finally made up so that Remus doesn't have to go through his transformation alone. However, in the end, when James says, ' "And you know that means...", ' there should probably be 'what' between 'know' and 'that.' I am looking forward to reading the next chapter and seeing how the newly repaired friendship affects the way Lily and James act around each other.
Another well crafted chapter. Everyone is really starting to feel the urgency of getting James and Sirius to repair their friendship, especially Remus and Jocelyn. I like the way you have Sirius finally start talking to Jocelyn again because it may make it easier for her to start working on him to soften him up towards James. One thing that confused me in this chapter is the conversation between James and Jocelyn during practice. In the conversation, Jocelyn says that James won't listen to Sirius, which implies that Sirius tried to explain the situation between him and Lily. If that really happened, when did it happen? Anyway, I think it's totally great that Sirius' transfiguration ability keeps getting worse while James is having no problems at all. To me, it shows that Sirius feels guilty about what is going on. Plus, I can totally see James smirking and laughing at Sirius, even though he probably isn't really enjoying himself. His laugh is more of a laugh without mirth because the only good that is coming from the situation is that he is not the only one having problems. Anyway, I look forward to the next chapter and finding out what is going to happen.
Okay, I'm going to try to put aside my confusion at what exactly happened to cause the huge rift between James and Sirius if James never found out about Hogsmeade. This chapter was really beautifully written. The scene with the note passing was absolutely fantastic and I couldn't stop laughing. Just one thing I have a question about; is Jocelyn angry with Peter or does he not even count when she's trying to figure out who she's not mad at because she never really talked to him anyway? I like the way you sum up the whole switching of pairs because it really does shift the way things go for everyone involved. Also, you brought up a new point about how everyone is whispering that Lily stole Sirius from Jocelyn, but wouldn't they also be whispering about Sirius stealing Lily from James? This is really the first time you bring up the fact that people thought Jocelyn and Sirius were going out. Is there a reason they thought that because you don't really show them acting like they were dating each other. Anyway, I really liked the way this chapter moved the story along. Plus, you really start to point out the urgency of the situation when you mention the full moon. It gives the whole story a nice little push and made me really anxious to see James and Sirius reconcile quickly so Remus is not left alone during his transformation.
Okay. This chapter is really well written. I like the way you focus more on the girls here than on the boys, especially showing that Jocelyn was beginning to get jealous about Lily and Sirius as well as James. But I am a little confused about what is going on between everyone. If Lily was okay sitting with Jocelyn, Sirius, Remus, and Peter in this chapter, why didn't Sirius, Lily, and Jocelyn just go sit with Remus, Peter, and James in the previous chapter? I think part of my confusion is coming from not knowing why Sirius has cut James off completely. Anyway, I like everything going on in this chapter, especially the way all the people around James and Sirius are starting to really feel the tension between the two. Of course, my favorite part of all was the very end where Filch catches Jocelyn and Remus in the closet. That's a fantastic twist to add to the story at this point. It will be interesting to find out what is going to happen to them and if they're able to figure out a new plot to untangle the knot created by their last one.
Well, even though I didn't like this chapter as much as the previous five, it definitely had some good points. My favorite part was when James ended up covered in red ink, not because of why it happened but just the color of the ink. You point out how symbolic the red is when you point out that it looked similar to dried blood when James entered the Gryffindor common room. What really bothered me about this whole chapter was the reason behind James' anger. If he didn't know about Sirius and Lily's afternoon in Hogsmeade, I have a hard time picturing him getting that angry over Sirius hanging out with Lily. Also, even though you explain that Sirius wants to hang out with Lily now that they've shared some tears, I can't see him not saying anything to the Marauders. I feel like there is a chunk of story missing between the afternoon in Hogsmeade and breakfast the next morning that might explain the tension between Sirius and James and when it first appeared. As for a small detail that can be easily fixed, I think you forgot to put the word 'at' between 'up' and 'the' in the line, 'He looked up the trio and for...' in the paragraph about breakfast. Don't get me wrong, I still love this story and can't wait to read more, but I'm slightly confused by the drastic change in behavior between James and Sirius without any real explanation of how it occurred.
wow that chapter was completely fabulous, oh man, it was awesome, well done
"Sirius, you’re purple,” she added, catching sight of his face. “That can’t be healthy.” I think that's the quote I quoted at BTV. I love this chapter. It's like, this is what's supposed to happen! This should've happened ages ago! But there you have it. It did. 10~JFig
Another marvelous chapter! I love the bit of Sirius' back story you add in this chapter, it really helps illuminate his personality and Jocelyn's as well. Going back to the beginning though, you came up with a very inventive way to keep James from finding out about Sirius and Lily. But, when you have Jocelyn say, ' "Hello James, hello Sirius,"..., there should be commas between 'hello' and the boys' names. Then, while James and Jocelyn were leaving and talking about Sirius catching up, I got thrown off by the phrases 'I’ll catch you up' and 'He’ll catch us up.' I would take the 'you' and the 'us' out of the phrases to make them a little clearer as I got slightly confused when reading them. So, the phrases would be 'I'll catch up' and 'He'll catch up,' but you can also add 'to you' at the end of each phrase. The only other thing that caught my eye to be fixed was at the very end when Sirius says, 'Her mum and dad we’re kind of like parents to me....' The 'we're' should be 'were,' without an apostrophe in the middle. All in all, I really enjoyed reading this chapter. It had a lot of information that help explains some of the relationships between your characters. I am still anxious to see if James will find out about the little 'date' between Lily and Sirius and how he will react if he does.
I love the way you have written this chapter with so many little twists, especially the bit about James going to Hogsmeade with Jocelyn and Lily going with Sirius. I am assuming that was the little plan Remus cooked up in the opening conversation with Jocelyn, right? There was only one thing that caught my attention that can be fixed. In this sentence, ' "...Honestly Lily, James Potter has been nothing but –” ' there should be a comma between 'Honestly' and 'Lily.' Other than that little detail, I absolutely loved this chapter. You have a real knack for writing some brilliant dialogue, especially the opening conversation between Remus and Jocelyn, and it makes you story so much fun to read. It will be interesting to see how you write the excursion to Hogsmeade and James' reaction to Sirius going with Lily.
Ohhhh My Goodness! Definitley one of favorite chapters! Finally Sirius is letting other people know his pain. It will make things so much easier than having all of his emotions bottled up. Yay! Keep up all of the wonderful SUSPENSE! Just don't keep us waiting to long for the next chapter!
The beginning of this chapter is marvelous. I love the way you show the similarities between James and Lily by having the scenes with them mirror each other. Plus, as much as James and Lily mirror each other, Jocelyn and Sirius also mirror each in these scenes. You definitely make it clear who is supposed to be with whom. I just wonder how long it will take Lily and Sirius to figure it out as well. Very nicely done! However, my favorite part of this chapter has to be the end where Jocelyn, Sirius, and Remus are plotting how they can nudge Lily into realizing her feelings for James. I think it's great that you are getting them involved. But, being the nit-picky reader that I am, I couldn't help notice a few spots where the writing wasn't quite as smooth as it could be. They're probably just typos, but I thought I would let you know anyway. 1. ' “Remember Lils,” Jocelyn called just before the door shut, and Lily paused.' There should be a comma between 'Remember' and 'Lils.' Pluse I think it might sounds better if you broke this up into two sentences by putting a period after 'shut' and making 'Lily paused.' into it's own sentence. By making that sentence only two words, it would really show Lily's pause at the door instead of just telling that she paused. 2.'The portrait of the Fat Lady swung open, and he climbed back into the common room without another glance at Lily Evans furious face.' There should be an apostrophe after the 's' in Evans. 3.' “Whatever happens, it’ll be easy for you two,” she told explained....' I'm not sure which word you really want there, either 'told' or 'explained,' but there should only be one and not both. 4.' “I’m risking my best friend to, you know.” ' The 'to' should be 'too.' Anyway, all that aside, your story is progressing very nicely. I can't help wondering how long it will take for Lily and Sirius to wise up, and which one will do it first. Also, I think it will be interesting to see what Jocelyn, Sirius, and Remus are plotting.
I liked this chapter best. It makes me wonder what sirius is gonna do. and what will hector think? it makes you want the next chapter to come out! it was stellar!
That. Was. Absolutely. Amazing. This has to be my favorite chapter yet! Some things I liked (ok loved) in particular:
"Yes. It's official." Yes it is, yes it is. By the way, I would definitely join the I'm Sick of Hector Freemonte Club, but I do see what you're saying about him. It really isn't his fault.
The reference to a Lilac Brown. Is that supposed to be Lavender's mother? I just thought with the gosipping type thing...
"Well I know what kind of progress you're not making!" Go Remus! You tell him! Somebody needed to say it...
The whole fight between Remus and Sirius was wonderful. You wrote it extremely well and of course I loved what came after it! I was hoping that would happen soon! So beautiful and perfect and great and amazing and well you get the idea... anyway, this was definitely, without a doubt, a superb chapter! Please please update soon! million/10!!!
Thank you very much!
Yes, it definitely is...
Lilac is Lavender's paternal aunt...
Yes, someone did need to say it!
Again, thank you!