Honest, I think you should figure your way around writers block or whatever and continue this, because it has promise. Seems like that's true for most of your ideas...
After finishing this chapter, I read the A/N at the top and was crushed to find out that you aren't continuing this fic. I know that it's AU now, after HBP and all, but it is a great start to what could be a fabulous fic.
The depth you bring to your characters, along with the detailed descriptions make it easy to get lost in the writing.
Ron's attitude was dead on. Harry and Hermione felt right on too.
Dumbledore seemed to be really affected by the war, which I wouldn't have thought too much of, until I read his thoughts. Now I wonder just how deeply the war affected those around Harry. In almost every fic we see how the war affects Harry, Ron, Hermione, and sometimes Ginny. It's not very often that we see the teachers' point of view either.
That would be a great idea for a one-shot. How each of the teachers feels about the war and the closing/opening of Hogwarts.
Enough babbling... I can't wait to go check out more of your stories.
Hi! Just dropping by for a hug! *huggles Haley*
I really enjoyed this story! Great description at the beginning, I just can see and HEAR it!
I, just like CMH, loved how you worked in Harry's latest adventures. I especially loved --- as it seems like everyone else --- that those Slytherins were mentioned. It seems that it's a World Unite.
*hugs Haley again* *giggles fangirlishly*
Very interesting angle on the destruction of Voldemort! Most people, even pre-HBP, wouldn't have thought of making Harry kill him before his seventh year, but it worked very well in the story. I also like the way you credited the Slytherins and added in the bit about 'there's not just black and white' - I felt that was very important and symbolic. Overall, a very good story that I enjoyed a lot!
Ah, this is nice. I can imagine the shooting stars above the heads as they speak. I think that the idea of a traveling Quidditch team is cool. It is amazing how people can change for the better, sort of like the group of Slytherins. I couldn't find anything that needs fixing.
I love how you start right at the beginning with your descriptions. Your characters give off a feeling of familiarity, endearing them to the reader.
Perhaps the only other being in the Great Hall subject of more whispers than Dumbledore that evening, was the boy Harry Potter. This was an excellent transition. I think it might flow a bit better if it says 'subject to' and doesn't have the comma before 'was'.
The sound images you use are an amazing way to express the atmosphere in the Great Hall. The whispers and knife-on-plate sounds really give the reader a feel for what's happening in the Hall. Lovely diction, that is.
I enjoyed the references to Harry's adventure, like Ron's scar and Harry's reference to the Slytherins protecting him. It really captures interest! It also shows that a lot has changed.
“Don’t be silly, Ron,” said a bushy-haired witch with a Head Girl badge pined to her chest, There should be a period after 'chest' and 'pinned' has two ns. But I love how it's so clear this is Hermione!
Trelawny, also, should be Trelawney--Sibyll Patricia Trelawney, I believe, is the professor.
Ooh, and the Quidditch travelling team would have been such an interesting idea for unity! Now I'm sad there isn't going to be more. I knew that would happen.
Well, a lovely job on what there is of this story, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your wonderful writing!
Haley, this was a wonderful story, and I'm so sad that you won't add anymore chapters to it. But still, it didn't feel unfinished at all, and it was fabulous. The shooting stars scene was really good as well - it just made me sit there thinking about...well, how good life is. (I have to say that sounds cheesy ;-D) This story made me love all of the Harry Potter world even more. A 10/10 from one of your fangirls :)
Wow, that was really good! I can't believe how you ever get time to write like this ontop of bannermaking!
Anyways, this was my favorite part:“Doesn’t mean I have to like them.” Ron muttered, though he looked resigned. The three of them glanced over at the Slytherins, who although remained cool and calm on the surface, were still obviously amazed with the going-ons above. For many years, Harry had believed all Slytherins to be evil, subjects of Voldemort that didn’t have a good bone in their body. Last year, though, he had learned differently. Slytherins were ambitious, true, but it didn’t mean they were heartless. Many had joined him in the final battle against Voldemort. He owed his life to some of them, and he was ready to admit it. Ron, on the otherhand, hadn’t been there. He, Hermione, and Ginny had been spread out among the depths of the castle, magically connected with Harry. Each of them had provided a bit of their life force in order to equip Harry with the strength and skill he needed to defeat the Dark Lord. It had been a tremendous feat, but none of them had seen how a group of Slytherins had surrounded Harry and protected him from Death Eaters, as he tapped into the combined power. He, himself, would never forget it.
I don't know why, I just liked that part. Your writing was magnifique! I wish I could write like that! No fair! 10/10! Yay for you!
i really like it. too bad you didn't go on. it would be a good novel length fic.
Author's Response: Aww thank you, I appreciate this. Maybe someday... though I'm rather caught up with Spirits of the Storm right now ;)
I know that you've stopped working on this fic, but this was the one that I felt more compelled to review, seeing as a lot of people feel disencouraged by their first attempts at fan fiction (myself included; sometimes I still wonder whether I should forget it existed entirely), but I think that your story may not have gotten the recognition it deserved! In my humble opinion, it was a really great start, and had loads of promise, and, oddly enough, it does make a very good one-shot. A little ray of hope, almost.
I like what you've done with all the characters' pasts, especially considering that it was pre-HBP, and that you had to make up for an entire year. I really enjoyed reading about the events of the previous year, like Ron's Quidditch Captainship (is that a word?) and the Slytherins' help (knew they had it in them!).
Your grammer is excellent, and it was really hard to find flaws in it at all, but there were a few places that I noticed a word or two wrong. Nothing huge, just being nit-picky. :)
“Ron.” Harry Potter protested. In this bit, there should be a comma after Ron ("Ron,") instead of a period. Probably just a typo, but I wanted to make sure you caught that.
The British ministry, as well as Ministries across the continent feels that reinstating such a competition, will bond the Wizarding world together again... There shouldn't be a comma after "competition;" instead, the comma should come after the word "continent." "As well as Ministries across the continent" is a clause (I think?? <.<) so you'd need the commas around that to set it apart. At least, I'm pretty sure. *shrug* My English teacher mentioned something about this, but I may have been napping...:P
The only other thing I noticed is when you talk about Hermione's Head Girl badge, "pinned" should be spelled with two n's.
Alright, I'm done being nit-picky. I thought that it was really well-written, and that you did a great job presenting what was going on and setting the scene for the rest of whatever came next. I especially loved the first two chapters, they characterized Dumbledore so wonderfully (*sobs* Dumbledore...). His speech was great too. I find it so hard to write dialogue for Dumbledore, but I think you got it spot-on. It's how he deserves to be written. (*blows nose loudly*)
One of the things that struck me about your writing in this chapter was the way that you still gave enough backstory to make it clear what was going on, but at the same time, it wasn't overwhelming. It wasn't a trip down back-story lane, but it was very skillfully interwoven with whatever was going on. Nicely done!
All in all, I have to say that it was worth the read, and that it was a great first chapter, and obviously would have lead to a great story too, but I'm happy that you left it up as a one-shot, all the same. Was this your first fic? I've seen lots of given up first fan fictions, but I have to say that for just starting out, you were already a terrific writer. So I can only expect more good things from you! :)
And, as an aside, I thought that your voice and diction mirrored JKR's a lot too, the similarity in the way you described things and wrote was definetly there--but it seemed entirely effortless. It was almost spooky...lol!
Thank you for leaving this chapter up! It put a smile on my face. I'm going to be reading more of your stuff--and soon!
Author's Response: And thank you for reviewing it! When I read this... I was just so deeply gratified by what you wrote. It made me completely giddy. Yes, this was my first attempt at fanfiction. I had no idea what I was doing, so by saying it mirrored JKR... well... wow. That's about the greatest compliment there is.
And what you said about Dumbledore... *smiles* I remember that he was the most difficult thing about writing this - so I'm SO glad you think I got him spot-on. Poor guy... I really wish he had made it to book 7.
It's also ironic what you said about the backstory part - for that's the one thing I'm having the most trouble with in my new fic. Not giving too much mind you, but not enough. Oh well.. I'll get there eventually.
So thank you thank you thank you for this lovely review. It made me almost wish that I continued this story.. but alas, I really didn't know what I was doing. I hope I am blessed with more of these wonderful reviews from you in the future ;) Love, Hal
Don't give up - its a great start. I think the hardest thing to do is to write that first chapter--it sets the tone for what's to come...So get writing!
love being the first to review your story! I was immediately drawn into the story in the first paragraph. Good choice of using Dumbledore as our eyes in the Great Hall. You established the fact that Harry had defeated Voldemort and you gave us just enough information to understand that even the Slytherins could be noble. I like the idea of a traveling Quidditch team, which could lead to many possibilities. Hmm... This is a wonderful start and I look forward to reading the next installment! Well done!
Author's Response: You are fantastic, you know that? Always leaving long and meaningful reviews on everyone's fics. Your words made my day. For some reason, it didn't show up on the recently added list when I first put it up... so it really hasn't gotten any reads. At first I was thinking everyone hated it and I had no desire to continue. But thanks to you, I think I just may :) I have many ideas swirling around in my brain...