Beautiful story. I can't really think what else to say. I loved how you showed Lily with each marauder. Brilliant story, sorry for the pathetic review :)
I just wrote a gazillion word review and got logged out in the submission. Argh! Okay, what did I say? Good job, well balanced, multidimensional characters. It made me a little weepy.
Constructive comment: Sometimes the prose gets a touch prosaic. Example: "but we’re far from perfect, Lily. The scars on our hearts map our faults." This turn of phrase is deep and introspective and flowery for a teenager's random conversation. It seems unreal.
Overall, loved it. I like it when authors make me weepy...Now it's time to press submit and pray...
This is an excellent character piece. You watch the marauders from Lily's eyes. Characters that are only loosely penciled in cannon, become real humans with depth. It's all rather well done, with a healthy balance of description, dialogue, and internal thoughts.
Conscructive Comments: At times the prose waxes a touch prosaic. One instance of dialogue jumped out at me. QUOTE: "but we’re far from perfect, Lily. The scars on our hearts map our faults."
Would a teenager really come out with that one? It seems very deep and introspective and unreal.
Well, that's all I have. You have a distinctive writing style, and your characters are multidimensional. :)
Author's Response: Thank you. You're not the only one who has mentioned the fact that the dialogue is a bit...off. Er...I'm a teenager and I know that I would say that. But I guess I'm a bit more mature than most, so I can't really use myself as an example. Thanks for reviewing.
I'm crying - but then, that could just be the rain. (My window leaks when it's raining.) Seriously, this is excellent stuff; I love it. Even if it is a tad depressing, everyone loves that kind of thing - the kind of thing that makes you wonder where all the happiness in the world went. And then we all go back to our regular life and forget about the tragedy that we felt hit us only minutes earlier. Let me tell you - I won't be forgetting about this fic anytime soon. Your Great Escape
I must say, there are no words to critisize your story. I was left without words, I still am, that being my excuse for this shoddy review. I nearly cried at the end, it was so moving. i think Jo would approve.
That was so cool! I depise Peter Pettegrew. Congrats on being Featured Fic!
First off, I must say, congratulations on getting this on the featured stories. I must say, it entirely deserves the honor.
At first, I was a bit hesitant. It was in present tense- seemed to be all about Lily and Peter. But I read on. And I'm glad I did, because the story turned out to be emotionally touching, and an unique glimpse at the four Marauders through the eyes of a friend.
Peter... Ah, Peter. You portrayed him as not a monster, but as a person. A person who had faults. I find this amazing, that you can make the reader feel pity for possibly the most revolting character in the series. This is what every author dreams of- (myself included) to make even the most despicable character have redeeming qualities. I'll never be able to look at Peter Pettigrew the same way again.
Sirius. Once again, I'm shocked to find you can present him in such a light- not just a funny boy that runs around, mocking teachers- but again, human. Somehow, I think you have a window- we see these characters as the book portrays them- but you look inside. You see what they're like. I can only marvel at your exceptional work. The extent of this really shone in Sirius's chapter.
Now to Remus. Perhaps the most touching out of all, I find it completely amazing that you can keep the character of Remus, yet give him depth that doesn't undermine his original personality. The fact that he knows her best of all, that he gives her comfort, gave insight into who Remus was. This touched me deeply, and I must say, it's every author's dream to create a scene like you did on this.
James. This was the briefest one, and also the part I'm going to comment on the least, but I must say, I know that Lily loved him. In only a few paragraphs, you had the reader captivated. You know. You simply know how much she loved him. Excellent job.
The last sentence had me nearly in tears- waiting for the world to stop spinning. It was the most perfect sentence I think I've ever come across. This story was beautiful. I can describe it as nothing other than beautiful. The depth you have, the wonderful way with words and the relationships, the way each Marauder means something different to her- It made this seem much more real. It stopped being just about Harry Potter the moment I read the first sentence. It could have been about someone's real life. This is the best fanfiction I've ever read. It's simply breathtaking. I love it. I absolutely love it.
Author's Response: I didn't even know it was a featured story until you mentioned it, so thank you. Anyway, this is probably one of the best reviews I've ever gotten. Thank you so very much for the review. I'm glad you could see past the fact that I can't write James for crap. But thank you so much. Reviews like yours make writing more enjoyable.
This story was recommended to me by a friend, and I'm impressed with her choice. I love Marauder fics, but this one-shot is one of the best I've seen so far. And I wouldn't take that so lightly. I think I'll have to read Unveiled Secrets now, to see more of your writing. ;)The very first thing that drew me in was the tense. I read and reread the first sentence, trying to see if I had missed anything. Surely it's not in present tense, I told myself. But it was! And you managed to keep it perfected for the rest of the one-shot. Since reading that, I suppose a little light went off and I was on the lookout for any slips. But I couldn't find any; good job at that.
Peter... It's when I read fics like yours that my hatred for him grows a bit softer. You portrayed him as human. That's some hard work. And you showed us his weakness without overdoing it too, and not making him too pathetic. He wasn't OOC at all. And I thought it interesting how you described Sirius as a King (for emphasis). He certainly was a "constellation of frustration." I smiled as I read that, because I knew exactly who was next. Sirius, the golden boy, now crowned king. Lily as his "mother" is very fitting; in fact, that is her "position" in one of my fics. I really think that that was part of her friendship with Sirius.Ah, Remus. That part was my favorite. 'Tis beautiful in all senses. Your language was careful to evoke the right emotions - at least, it worked on me. Remus has always meant comfort to me too. I'll leave it at that. Suffice it to say that your writing reflected my feelings.
I thought it odd how you never mentioned Sirius at the wedding, though I know that that part was Remus' part of the story. He was best man, after all. Shouldn't he at least been described? The youthfulness in his face that we know about? And the rest of the fic was amazing. None of the glimpses in the married life were too short nor too long, just enough for us. Your scene with the Secret-Keeper (BTW, remember to include a dash) was well-explained too. I thought it interesting that it was James who opposed to it, not Lily. And my favorite line -->And she waits beside his cradle, waits for the world to stop spinning. *sigh* I loved your fic. Thanks for contributing to fan fic, and I hope you continue writing.
This story was utterly moving. The characterisations, plot, and setting were well-done and flowed nicely. I loved each scene and their respective themes. Such an original idea and unique writing style... ::content sigh::
I have no constructive criticism for this. Your story left me speechless, and I was close to tears by the end. Peter's betrayal and the reference to his previous quote on loyalty... Brilliant! Sirius' story was saddest to me. It was an intriguing change-of-pace to see Lily and Sirius having the more affectionate friendship, rather than her Remus. Her and Remus' friendship was platonic, and I adored it.
The Lily and James scene was crafted beautifully. Not mushy or too romance-y.
Favorite Lines: One thing she’s learned about the Marauders is that they all hide behind smoke screens, appearing to glitter in shattered light. However, when she has them alone, they aren’t glorious, graceful men but stumbling, awkward boys. Perfect. I'm definitely placing this story in my favorites.
Amazing!! A one-shot? I love how you portrayed the different relationships that Lily has with it boy, and showed that they could be flawed and still amazing. I especially love the way you wrote Sirius! Well done!
Wow. This was one of the most interesting Marauder fics I have read in a while. The interlude with Peter was the best I've seen. You managed to get his character down perfectly as well as convey his frustration at being left out. I was not as comfortable with the implication of a romance/fling between Lily and Sirius, but I could get over that because of your brilliant portrayal of Sirius. I could actually SEE him burning himself out even as he rested with Lily. Such a tortured image of him is rarely written in fan-fics. The comparison between the Marauders and saints is a rather interesting one, especially since we know that Lily and James - even Sirius are looked upon as Martyrs. I haven't read your other fictions, but based on this one, I plan to. Excellent work!
Author's Response: Thank you :)