I like this summary of the trio's changes through the years, though I don't really agree that Harry became so cold. I think, like Dumbledore said, what Harry's great strength was was that he remained human and didn't harden. But that's something that could be discussed forever, and your rendering was definitely well done! I liked that you chose Susan as a narrator, since she seems like the type of person who would really feel for others like that. Nice fic!
Very Nice! It was interesting from that perspective!
I love how you used such a minor character to show there changes. When I read the description, I thought it would be told by Molly, but I like Susan better. One of my favorite lines from this story was: "He came broken, he left…shattered" this really brought home Harry's change, and I loved this story. Definitly going on my favorites!
Nobody does first person like you, Josh. You have such a feel for character voice, and you use it to it when writing in this point of view. I love that – it makes it so real. And, while I’m not usually a fan of first-person narrative, I like it when it serves a purpose. This story is about observation, and so this pov really brings something to the story – it feels like we really are watching them change.
I like the style you went with – her views of each of them; Harry, Ron, and Hermione. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed Harry’s change the way I have in this story. I’m so used to seeing it gradual, that even in an analysis of his canon character, the changes are unclear. But you display is growth with each year, his hardship and maturity that come far too early in life. I see a young boy being forced to become a man, and the toll it takes on him.
And Ron and Hermione are done with equally brilliant perceptions – not on Susan’s part, but on yours. And of course, that does become Susan, and you portray it so well through her eyes. You’re writing descriptions and changes of Harry, Ron, and Hermione, but in doing so, you create a character of Susan, too. I love how you write her as a watcher, and a sympathetic observer. Just knowing that she’s there, inwardly rooting for each of them, it gives me a small comfort – knowing that the Golden Trio has people watching out for them, even if they don’t realize it.
The only thing I’m unsure of is the organization. Somehow, either because of his importance or because of the depth you went into with his character – it feels like Harry should be saved for last. I can see her talking about Ron and Hermione, and then – Harry. Growing, changing, burdened, courageous Harry. The most important of all – the one supported by Ron and Hermione, the one they give their all to, the one it’s all really about. The current organization is nice, but it feels anti-climactic, and it doesn’t have as much of an ending *OOMPH*. [Whatever that is, lol].
I think the shining attribute of this writing has to be your understanding of the characters. It seems so natural – not like you sat down and tried to figure out what each of them were about. But, you just wrote. And it came out beautifully.
Well, I figure it's time I reviewed for you, Joshito. First of all, I have to say that I was very impressed both by the idea of the story and by your wonderful storytelling. You really do have a wonderful way with the wording. It's slightly peculiar in a very delightful way, and it helps bring the story together.
Okay… on to being my nitpicky self. For the most part your grammar and sentence structure is good, but were a few things that didn't work. First of all, you have He was whispering something, but he was whispering so softly, that I could not hear him. Are you sure Tom didn't write that sentence? Your comma use is …creative to say the least. Either remove the second comma (after softly) or remove the 'that' in that I could not hear him. You can't have both.I saw him, as he up the marble staircase, chatting happily with Ron and Hermione. As he ran up? Walked up? There is no verb in the main clause of this sentence. It does need one, unfortunately. ;) And while I can guess what you mean from the context, it doesn't make sense without a verb.
The sections about Hermione and Ron don't quite work for me. It's the balance of it. As it stands, the majority of the story is focused on Susan's impression of Harry's experience at Hogwarts. The sections on Hermione and Ron seem like an afterthought. I would recommend you either take them out altogether and make the story solely about Susan and Harry or expand them so that they are as detailed as Harry's and balance each other out. Okay, okay, that's asking you to do a lot of work, I know. I don't necessarily expect you to do it. But expanding those sections would, in my opinion, make the story much stronger.:: huggles Joshito :: Despite all my criticism, this really is quite a good story and I like it very much. Enough that I would/will most certainly rec. it to other people. You've done a great job creating a character for Susan; you have made her into an empathetic observer who pays attention to and things about the people she watches. You've managed to do it entirely through what she thinks about the trio-a real exercise in showing instead of telling! Good job, Josh!
Oh my goodness. I just found this and... wow, I'm glad I did, because it was awesome. I have never read anything like it, and it was written so well. I actually got teary-eyed at the end, which is a first (: Love it.
It was a very interesting one-shot, written about the trio from a different perspective...it's always great to read stories like that. I learned a lot about the trio and Susan just by reading that first page...I have never really thought about the trio in that way. I especially liked the part where you said that Hermione went from brains to wisdom and back again. To me, that sounds about right. I really hope that you do/did well in the contest, and please, write more. I enjoy reading your work. :)
This was a lovely set of character studies, both of the Trio and of Susan Bones, the narrator. Each of the Trio was described in a new way, and it was interesting to view them from the perspective of a true outsider. Harry in particular caught my attention, the metaphoric hardening was very nicely described. It was sad to imagine how all that growing up he had to do so fast would look to someone who was only an aquiantance. The description of the changes in Ron were nice too, how he grew in confidence over the years. We learned a lot about Susan, too, just from the way she viewed the Trio. She would make a great psychologist! I really liked this, and I hope you do well in the challenge.
I really enjoyed this story. It was so interesting to see Harry, Ron and Hermione from another's perspective - especially someone from another house. It always intrigues me when I think about how much other pupils know about the events that befall the trio. I thought you summed up the way they had all changed and matured over the years very well, and from the little we know about Susan, I'd say that you conveyed her 'voice' very accurately too. Very good!
I really enjoyed reading this; I almost wish it was longer! The concept of seeing the trio through someone else's eyes is very interesting; Susan does not know the details, but from her outsider's view she sees things that those closer to the trio might miss. Someone who is around Harry, Ron and Hermione every day might not notice how they changed over the years, but for someone who is not in their house and rarely talks to them, the changes become more apparent. Susan's description of Harry was particularly stirring; it would be very heartbreaking to watch him lose his innocence over the years in such a tragic way. 10/10.
This story was excellent. I loved the way you took a character who we don't know much about and gave her a personality. Very creative. I felt that it was to short. Hermione and Ron's descriptions could have been longer. It was definatly a but rushed. I give this story an 8 because it could have been better but I liked it alot.
I thought this was really wonderful. I mean, Harry, Ron, and Hermione really have developed so much from the little children who met on the train. They've grown together, they love each other, and help esach other with everything. It made me very sad when I read Harry's section of the story. How true it is. A sweet, innocet little boy aged, not by time, but by cruelty and hardship. How much he's chaged...how he will never be the same person who first stepped onto platform 9 3/4 that day long ago. How much he struggles. And Ron and Hermione...how they've overcome their personal challeneges to be the best they can be. And mostly how they all care about each other so much, and how they're all in it together, changung together...it was so...touching. And I loved the way it was told by Susan, a character we know not much about, and how she has watched them, and admires them. It was genunily sweet.
I really enjoyed this one-shot. It seemed that each of the characters described was done so with elegance; I felt as though each section was worded extremely carefully. The selection about Harry was my favorite. “He came broken, he left…shattered…” This is a wonderful ending for Harry, plus I thought it was worth quoting. The only thing that irked me was the paragraph about Harry conquering the dementors and Susan watching from her dormitory. Surely if she could even see well enough to know that it was Harry down by the lake, she would notice that there were two of him. Also, I doubt that the dormitory would even be facing the lake; it was described as a cellar type common room. Perhaps it’s just me, I don’t know. It’s just my nitpicking.
Hermione’s was interesting because you described her as going from brains to wisdom — or rather that Susan described Hermione in this way, seeing as it is in first person. I really am glad that you chose a Hufflepuff for this one-shot. They always seem to be quietly observing. That brings me to another matter. I really have to give you credit on this one, Josh, because Susan is a girl. I really think it’s amazing that you were able to write her in first person. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying that guys are incapable of writing in first person! I’m merely saying that if I had to write something from say Cedric’s point of view, I wouldn’t be able to write it very well. Good job on that!
Last but not least we had Ron. I really liked how you pointed out how he desires to live up to his family and how Susan admired his determination. The theme of the trio changing seemed, in your story, to apply most to Ron, which is why I’m glad he was last. It made it seem more conclusive. There were a few grammar mistakes, but they were barely notable. Great job!
Pretty good all in all. I liked Ron's description best. It fit him very well. Perhaps a bit more time could be spent on Hermione, though her changes are a bit more subtle than the boys'. I also liked your description of Harry after the third year; very appropriate.
I'm finally going to review you! One of these days, I'm going to review everyone from SPEW, but that day is long in coming, I think. I always like reviewing one-shots, just because I don't have to read previous chapters. Okay, I'll review...First, I think spelling Gryffindor correctly would help. You managed to spell incorrectly it two different ways. ;) As we left the castle, he looked saddened, as if some great treasure had been snatched from him. That's an excellent observation on Susan's part. Her noticing Harry lamenting Sirius' need to hide is very believable.
I liked the description of the third task. As short as it is, I can imagine the way it sounded when Fleur screamed and everyone suddenly became quiet, and the way it sounded when Cedric screamed. I think you could have mentioned the red sparks and the worry they brought to the crowd. And I think that "anticipation turned into horror."The way that Susan described Hermione had a hint of animosity in it, that she wasn't too fond of her. It seemed that Susan thinks she is better than Hermione for some reason, be it that she's not bossy or a know-it-all. Also, it seemed to dwell on what Hermione has done. Describe Hermione for a bit - the personality that you can't see on the outside. Susan, from the way she's described Harry, has a lot of insight on other people. Maybe it's just Harry, but a little more will suffice.
Ron was my favorite, hands down. Mentioning the shadow of his brothers is essential to understanding Ron at all, because it was, at first, who he was. A shadow of the older Weasleys. Including the first train ride to Hogwarts was clever too. That's when he started to really change.I thought this was good overall. These are only suggestions, and if you'd like to, leave your fic alone - it's fine enough. This is the first I've read of your work, and it's very encouraging!
Author's Response: *headdesl* I spelled Gryffindor wrong. Gah. Thanks for the review!
Author's Response: *headdesk* *headesk Death to moochie.
Too much to be said on how evtreamly great that was. Good job. Unfortunatly, I can only give it *10*, wich is feeble to the rating it really deserves. I wish you could continue, and add more chapters, but it sounds like this is a one shot deal. Personally, I didn't even notice any typos. It was really great, good job
...Wow! That story was freakin' awesome! That's one of the best fics I've ever read! I wish I could write like that! I'm giving this a 10! That was truly awesome!
Author's Response: Thank you very much. :) I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I like Susan as a character, though we haven’t seen much about her. You’ve made her very confident and wise in this. She seemed older than the Trio, as though she wasn’t their peer or wasn’t really involved in any of those events. It worked nicely by showing the Trio from outside their circle, but it was a bit too disconnected for my liking. I would have liked to hear about the change in Susan’s relationship with the Trio brought on by the DA, which you skimmed over entirely.
The writing was good and I liked the little interludes between the characters. The style was nice- rather sad and very appropriate. However, you tended to use a lot of commas. I overuse commas- you’re not allowed to steal my vice!
Keeping in mind that I like the idea of a Harry/Susan romance, I thought the length difference with the focus on Harry was good. Susan (or you) seems to view Harry as the member of the Trio who is having the most insecurities and problems. It’s almost as if she expects him to take a darker road than the others. She has an incredible amount of knowledge of the true events of the books, especially POA. I’m not sure how realistic that is.
Susan’s thoughts about Hermione seem nearly condescending. It makes me wonder if she feels threatened by Hermione and is trying to hide it. The way she talks about Harry and Ron “accidentally” saving Hermione makes is sound as if she doesn’t give Hermione much credit on her own; and yet, she seems to like Hermione at the end of fifth year.
And then there’s Ron. I loved the mention of Ron’s nervousness when he first met Harry- it put a smile on my face after some sad going earlier in the story. She seems to really admire Ron for pulling himself out from under his brother’s shadows- however, I’m of the opinion that she overrates Ron’s mental state. I’m a confirmed Ron hater, but I just don’t see him that positively.
Nice response to a plot bunny. It was quite enjoyable, and it met the requirements well.
Author's Response: Gah! I had jsut typed this all out and then it told me to log in. *grumbles* Anyway... Oops. I forgot the DA! *dies* I'll try to put that in a edited version if I get teh chance. I was having a really hard time smoothing out al three parts so they would flow together and settled on separating them completely. Maybe too much though? As for Hermione, I was having trouble with her as well. I didn't know how to describe her from Susan's POV. I decided to do a general overview. Maybe I should've given some examples...A Ron hater! *runs away* Ah well...I see what you're saying. I'll try to incorporate these suggestions in similar stories and maybe even a edited one later. Thanks for the review! :)
Author's Response: That had a lot of typos. Grr.
You misspelled 'peers' when talking about Hermione, but other than that it was pretty good. However, I would have liked an amount of text for Hermione and Ron that equaled that for Harry. Rating this a 6 because I've seen you write much better.
Author's Response: I would've written more, but it would have seemed really forced, and it would sound ad. I tried though. :)
Hoorah for reviews! You should feel special because I never review on MNFF... I'm just lazy like that. But yay for you and for your fic! Still great the second time around. :D
Author's Response: I do feel special. *shines* Thanks Joy. :D